Before…

After…

In a blow for murderous terrorist conspirators everywhere, Mohammad al-Qahtani, known as the “20th hijacker” filed a lawsuit against former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
While detained at GitMo, Gahtani underwent a special interrogation that gave the United States valuable information. However, Qahtani asserts that he was subjected to forced nudity, sexual humiliation, religious humiliation, prolonged stress positions, sleep deprivation and other controversial interrogation techniques.
Mr. Rumsfeld insisted, “Whatever we did – nudity, sleep deprivation, weird positions – I assure you it was consensual.”
Mr. Gahtani spoke outiside the German courhouse where the suit was filed. “I want Rumsfeld in jail. I want him to apologize and I want my 72 virgins.”

John Kerry’s remarks disparaging troop intelligence ends up to be really well timed as it goes with the Army’s brand new recruiting campaign:

Continue reading ‘John Kerry’s Remarks Were Well Timed’ »

It’s been three days since the election–has anyone heard of even ONE thing the Democrats want to accomplish now that they are in control?

Q: Why is Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei wrong about the 2006 Midterm Elections being a victory for Iran?

Continue reading ‘Iran didn’t win…’ »

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Apparently, everybody else has an Election Hangover, so they’re too busy moping around and turning on the empty-suit leadership of the Republican Party for selling out their conservative base and denying there was a crisis in the making. Meanwhile, that gives me ample opportunity at a solo shot on the catblogging gig.
Anyway, it’s time for Frisky the Faux-Moderate:

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If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

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You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for “catblogging.”
You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.
Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.
There’s also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.
Anybody I miss?

It’s Friday, so you know it’s time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week’s different… this week we’re going to start a new feature called:

WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?
So, from Mahmoud Abbas’ expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
Is it:

a) His Depends to hold up for just a minute longer.

b) The kitchen to stop serving “Five Qassam Chili” on Thursday nights.

c) His henchmen to start wearing ties… and eyepatches. Eyepatches are cool, you know.

d) Uri Geller to give him more private lessons.

e) Beir Zeit University to stop graduating suicide bombers and bombmakers so they can bring back their Dental School.
or
f) NONE OF THE ABOVE
Put your guesses in the comments.

Thanks to everyone who supported “Lincoln, As I Recall…” in the Pickle Tales competition.
I have won my bracket, although having to share my victory with two others only means that I (with your help) will be given the opportunity to beat them down once again when Round Two begins.
As a token of my appreciation, I will not post photos of me stripping down to my… (what the heck am I wearing today?) Nor will I use my “Jew Claw” on anyone.
Stay tuned, because it’s not long before the podcasting combat begins again.

Part 1: Iraq

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“America is a country of peace, but we are quite prepared if non-peace breaks out.”
Last time, I laid out an agenda for our military in relation to the conflict in Iraq. Now, I’ll lay out more general reforms of the military. Let start with this fact:
The key skill of the military is shooting foreigners in the face.
While I support great new technologies such as smart bomb and giant robots with Gatling guns for arms, we should always be ahead of other countries in the ability to shoot people in the face. When our troops are on the ground and facing the enemy rifle to rifle, the enemy should be well aware that he is going to be shot in the face because that’s what our troops do and are good at. When foreigners see Americans, they should yell, “Not in the face!” This means giving our troops all the training they need and reliable rifles before worrying about all the cool high-tech stuff.
This leads to another reform:
The .45 should return as the sidearm of choice.
If we want out military to be feared as demon-gods in other countries, then they can’t be carrying some pansy little metric round like the 9mm. The .45 is the kind of round you have nightmares of getting shot in the face with. Give our troops .45s!
While military reform should be focused on the basics of shooting people in the face, there still must be a strong focus on new technology. Our advanced technology which makes everyone else seem like cavemen in comparison is a big part of making America seem god-like in all conflicts it in engages in. And, when America is seen as a wrathful god, conflicts will end quickly. That’s why we must focus on one especially important technology:
We need a spaced-base laser for eliminating targets on the ground.
I have long been a proponent of a space-based laser I call S.M.I.T.E (see here and here). If we have a laser that can shoot from space and eliminate any individual in sight, foreigners will have no choice but to conclude that we are gods. Any time a terrorist steps out of a cave, he will know that we can smite him at any moment with no consequences to us. This is a powerful psychological tool.
Scientists say it’s hard to focus a laser beam from space all the way through the atmosphere without it being diffused, but that just means we need better scientists. We do stuff in earth’s atmosphere all the time – fly planes, float weather balloons, have barbecues – so there is no reason we can’t fire a laser through it. We need to get working on this yesterday!
So what to do with our appearance of god-like power? We use it to get this point across:
Other countries only exist because we let them.
Most foreigners forget this because of the foolishness of trying to make our military seem “nice” (as I talked about in Part 1). Islamic radicals attack us because they think we won’t obliterate their cities even though we are fully capable of it. We have to end that foolish idea. How much missile defense does their favorite city, Mecca, have? None. It’s time to get rid of the idea that Allah can somehow stop the might of America.
I think a positive step towards ending radical Islam would be to do a bombing run on Mecca. Except, they would all be dummy bombs with these words written on them in multiple languages: “America has decided to let Mecca exist… for now.” This properly demonstrates our power and abilities while respecting the holy places of other religions (we can even fill the dummy bombs with free Korans and prayer rugs; America loves giving gifts to other countries even if we’re still hated).
Now, some other countries may complain about this. This leads to another rule:
Any criticism of our military actions from other countries will always be ignored.
If a leader of a country calls us up to complain, the president will hang up on him immediately. If someone starts to speak out against America’s actions at the U.N., the U.S.’s U.N. ambassador will then walk up, punch the person speaking in his dumb monkey face, and then leave without uttering another word. Other countries are free to complain about us to each other, but they must understand that we are never listening. Ever. They must all understand this:
The only way to end U.S. military action is for the other parties involved to become peaceful.
Dead is peaceful, but, as part of our policy of limited benevolence, that will be a last resort (or, at least, not usually the first resort).
I think that’s enough for you all to cogitate on today. Next time, I’ll talk about troop benefits and what defines treason (which people will actually be arrested for now). Then, I’ll move on to the domestic front, most likely starting with border security since that is a big concern of many and something the Republicans have dropped the ball on. I can’t solve every problem facing America and the world, but I will try.
I hope you will continue to support this exciting new positive agenda for America (even if you’re one of my international readers). If you have an idea so you can visibly show support, put it in the comments.
Be honorable, ronin.

Today is a day off for me, but, because I love America, I’m going to write more of my new agenda for America today, this time focusing on general military reforms and troop benefits.
In that vein, I should mention today is the 231st Birthday of the United States Marine Corps. Also, tomorrow, Veteran’s Day, is my brother’s birthday. I can’t call him, though, since Sgt. Joe foo’ the Marine is in the middle of OCS so that he will be Lt. Joe foo’ the Marine in December. So, today, I will ask for donations in honor of the Marines to the Valour-IT program to buy laptops for injured military men and women.

I had been boosting the Navy before, but they have almost reached their goal of $45,000 and the Navy always lends support to the Marines anyway.

UPDATE:
The Navy has now reached its goal. Thus, I’m now an official booster for the Marines. Ooh-rah! Let’s get them to $45,000 next!