I saw a liberal shouting mathematical axioms at a outlet on the wall.
“What are you doing, my idiot friend?” I asked.
“I’m speaking truth to power, man!” he answered, his left eye twitching.
“Aren’t you taking that a bit literally?”
“SHUT UP, FASCIST!” he screamed at me.
Of course, I was left with no choice but to punch him in his dumb monkey face. Still, it got me thinking: If liberals are speaking “truth to power,” then shouldn’t we conservatives be speaking lies to weakness? It’s worth a shot, at least. And who is the biggest source of weakness? Democrats, of course!
LIES TO TELL DEMOCRATS
“You know how you keep shouting that America has lost the war? You should keep doing that; Americans love that sort of thing.”
“This whole VTech shooting tragedy would be a great time to bring back the issue of gun control. That would be great for your party!”
“Pelosi is an attractive woman. She should release a swimsuit calendar.”
“I think Harry Reid admitting he doesn’t have a penis is a great idea. It would make him a sympathetic character.”
“Ted Kennedy has to be the most coherent speaker you guys have. He should really be out front representing you.”
“You should have DNC.org redirect to the Daily Kos. They’re totally mainstream and won’t alienate people at all.”
“Hillary needs to show more anger; that’s what people want from her.”
“That mouse trap is deactivated; go ahead and take the cheese.”
What are some other lies we can speak to weakness?
Americans love losing a war.
Americans love looking weak in the face of Islamic-nutjobs (I figure this one is perfect, they seem to think Jimmy Carter was a great president and they definitely think Bill Clinton was).
I do love this bit
saw a liberal shouting mathematical axioms at a outlet on the wall.
“What are you doing, my idiot friend?” I asked.
“I’m speaking truth to power, man!” he answered, his left eye twitching.
That’s the FrnakJ I know and am a little afraid of!
“We should totally pull out of Iraq. We have nothing to fear from Al Qaeda any more, and the people there will be fine.”
“You know that guy Michael Moore? He’d be the absolute best choice for running mate for whomever wins the Democratic nomination!”
American’s love Friday Catblogging! You should put cat blogging on every website you have. You’re readership would go through the roof.
Fred Thompson is so bad ass, that just the idea of lying about him anbd saying something that didn’t make him sound elite made my brain melt. I was revived by the grace of Fred.
Pelosi swim magazine?!?!?! Stop giving people horrible mind pictures Frank!
“What you really need to do is tell Americans they don’t pay enough in taxes.”
“Yeah, you’re right: the media is controlled by a conservative cabal, with no voice for progressive agenda items at all.”
“Make sure you stress the need to put explicit gay videos in sex ed classes. Kids just can’t figure these things out on their own.”
“Keep calling for the draft. That’s always been a winner for you.”
“Definitely keep up the fight for partial birth abortion. That gives people the warm fuzzies.”
“You might even want to float a trial balloon about letting Iran annex Israel to make peace in the Middle East.”
“But whatever you do, make sure not to hurt the feelings of people who are shouting ‘Death to America’. They don’t mean ‘Death to America’, but ‘We Love Keith Olbermann’. It’s the same thing in Farsi.”
Shout it from the rooftops:
FIRE CAN’T MELT STEEL!!
“Pelosi is an attractive woman. She should release a swimsuit calendar.”
Harry Reid probably already describes her as ‘the best ankle in town.’
“You need to keep proposing a huge tax on gasoline”.
“You should work hard to keep any house, church, store, apartment, or business from being built anywhere near you”.
“Use whatever means necessary to ensure that homosexuality, beastiality, bisexuality, and every other perversion is taught and encouraged as ‘natural and safe and perfect’ in every school starting with kindergarten”.
“Continue to divide people into subgroups based on the color of their skin, the shape of their genitals, the way they want to have sex, or any other category so that every single person can become a legitimate victim”.
“Continue to divide people into subgroups based on the color of their skin, the shape of their genitals, the way they want to have sex, or any other category so that every single person can become a legitimate victim. If categories of said person include all of the following: heterosexual, white, and male, said victim status will become ineligible.”
ok… fixed!
Poke Rumsfeld’s dog with a stick- He likes that!
While you’re doing that, make fun of Fred Thompson and pull on Chuck Norris’ beard.
“You should really get after McCain for his IED joke. That was so insesitive for him to say that.”
You should keep after Don Imus for his remarks. That was so insesitive for him to say that.”
“You should be supportive of Alec Baldwin despite his tirade against his own flesh & blood. Everyone else is just being so sensitive.”
“You should really feel for Cho. He was just a sesitive, fragile being.”
George Bush has hidden incriminating documents in a secret room in your house. To open the hidden door, you need to stick a metal fork in an electrical outlet. I don’t know which outlet, so you should try them all.
Karl Rove doesn’t want you to lick that frozen flagpole because it will destroy his dark powers. You should do it.
To fight global warming, you should re-direct your car’s exhaust back into your car and not into the atmosphere.
Sen. Gavel should win the nomination. Americans love the idea of the US disarming all of it’s own nukes and allowing only terrorist nations to possess them.
Hillary is tough on terrorism.
Edwards should pass on those cheap $400 haircuts and go for the $1000 “dreadlocks” hair extensions.
RosieO should be nominated as vice-president.
“You should really continue visiting Syria, Iran, Venuzuella, and the Al Qaeda camps on the Afgan-Paki border. And wear a burka while you’re at it.”
“You know, it would be a great idea of you to pass a bill making all migrant Al Qaeda memvers citizens of this country. Americans would like really dig that.”
“You should insist that we free all the guys in GITMO, and then get them apartments in the States.”
“You should speak honestly about your love of Hugo Chavez and his programs. Also, constantly talk about implementing them here. After all, they have done wonders in Venuzuella.”
These are some of the best responses I’ve seen in a long time!
Winchester pistol bullets are crap. They’ll shatter against your skull.
Try it – it’s funny as hell.
….not having a spine is a good thing. See how flexible you are.
….Harry Reid should continue to talk. With someone like that on the liberal side they can’t help but win.
…lady I don’t care that you used to be Speaker of the House. Now that Sharia law is in place, you leave the house, we’ll stone you. Of course it might improver your appearance, but no one will ever know because you’ll be either dead or veiled (living dead)
…the Reverend Al Sharpton should continue to crucify everyone who thinks differently than he does. He is only following the plan of his master, who seeks that everyone be miserable like unto him.
…keep Rosie on the view. Just chuck the rest out and put in MK Hamm, Michele Malkin and the high priestess of nasty (and my personal heroine) Ann Coulter.
If somebody did make a Pelosi swimsuit calendar, I think it’s only fair and deserving that they’re beat with one of their own arms. Just sayin’.
Aw, what can I say? Frankj, Bob in Feenicks, and Socrates have already 0wN3d everything I might say. Some cut ‘n’ pastes of any lefty dogmatic speeches will do.
A married couple that makes over $70,000 a year is “rich”. They should definitely pay more taxes, especially in MINNES…ARRRGGGHHH!!!! I CAN’T, FRANK EVEN IF I LIKED MESSING WITH LIBTARDS I JUST CAN’T LET GO OF THE MONEY!!! I need it, to buy food and shelter, don’t you see???? I worked hard for it!! (weeping silently)
Kerry supports the military.
Murtha supports the military.
Michael Moore is an athletic supporter.
Durbin whines Truth to Power.
Ahmadickhead is a moderate.
Communism will work if it’s tried in the right cirucumstances.
Schooling should be all about teaching little boys to be more sensitive.
Hillary’s not a dyke.
Keep taking an epic crap on national morale. The people love it.
Clamor for the youth vote. We swear it’ll work this time.
Political Correctness isn’t Newspeak with a purple ribbon. Keep pushing it.
Keep giving the finger to God and religion. The only real God is yourself; the only real religion is your agenda.
Don Imus’ comments were satanic ramblings of a racist–and curiously non-gay–cowboy. But every post on the Daily Kos needs to be branded on the fleshy buttcheek of every American.
The Iraqi people just aren’t in to that whole “freedom” thing.
The Bill of Rights were created by the Founding Fathers via psychedelic mushroom trip. Of COURSE they’re subject to interpretation.
John Walker Lindh was merely expressing his grievances against the government in an innovative way. He deserves both release and apology hummer from Rumsfeld.
Osama’s just suffering from severe middle child syndrome. He needs a hug. Bush however needs to be hanged, drawn and quartered.
San Francisco is the new Jerusalem.
Rosie’s opinions being spoken louder and more obnoxiously than her co-hosts actually DOES make them more correct…
…she is also a world-renown metallurgist.
Screw Jesus. Al Gore is the true Prophet.
Wahhabi Islam is just the rudimentary backlash Marxist revolution against globalization and western interference since 1945. If we give them Israel and France they’ll thank you and go away…
…they also won’t need to add your head to their “collection”
John Edwards is the straightliest man to ever grace the Gaia-loving Earth…
…Fred Thompson lives on Castro Street.
African Americans are completely lost and helpless without your divine intervention.
The government would never, ever take away our civil rights. Why do we need those icky guns for?
The following sentence is true. The preceding sentence was false.
Science explains E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Europe is Eden.
Socialism doesn’t rape entrepreneur.
The military sucks. Just say it already; Americans CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH.
A lawyer is to angel what a solder is to Eichmann.
Ward Churchill makes sense.
Noam Chomsky could beat William F. Buckley in a grudge cage match.
I’ve run out of ideas.
Iran would give up the nuclear weapons program if you just went over and explained it to them personally. You are sooo nice – they are bound to be friends with you in Sadr City too. You must go over there, end the war and save us all. Right Away! Go! Destiny Calls!
Hillary was REALLY fortunate in that cattle futures deal.
Bill was just a victim of glory seeking gold diggers.
None of the stupid environmental policies that you’ve passed apply to you.
One square of toilet paper will do the job.
Al Gore is a scientist.
It is time for Bush to play hardball.
1. Shutdown all environmental equipment to the Senate and House and all of their office buildings.
2. Close down “free” hospitalization to them and their families at Military facilities.
3. Publicly “Borrow” the funds for Security to Senate and House members, and their staff salaries.
4. Close the Barber Shop and cafeterias, where they get cut-rate service (meals are $2, no matter what is eaten there).
5. Since the District of Columbia is funded by the Federal Government, publicly announce that all federally funded services have been cut off until he has a “clean” military funding bill.
The US Military is full of morons and the American people need to know about it!
Gay sex in all it’s forms is natural and beautiful, including man on boy sex so let NAMBLA speak for your party.
Howard Dean should be on TV everyday promoting your party!
Hillary should wear a skirt and show off her legs to the American people
Bill Maher is a font of quiet humility and high-minded socio-political discourse.
Ted Rall’s artwork is of the same caliber as that of Leonardo DaVinci.
Cynthia McKinney is the absolute zenith of human sanity.
“saw a liberal shouting mathematical axioms at a outlet on the wall.”
So you missed a perfect chance to plug one of those monkeys in. Of course that would have prematurely ended your conversation. Normally, that’s a good thing. Getting a blood curdling scream or two out of them can be considered a bonus.
Oh wait, it’s time to for a song.
To the tune of “Shock the monkey.”
Shock the monkey to life
Stupid hippy get a life
Beat’s me why I bother come
Beat’s me when were done
Shake them monkey’s out’ the trees
Smack E’m on there knees
Have at them as you please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don’t you know when you’re going to punch those monkey’s
Rat a rat
Spat moonbat
You can spank a little ape
Have fun with that
There is one thing you must be sure of
I can’t listen to them any more
Darling, time to monkey with the monkey’s
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don’t you know you’re going to punch a monkey
Current’s still turning
Fur’s a burning
They don’t like it, but I guess their learning
Shock! – watch the monkey get hurt, monkey
Beats me, about those creeps
Beats me, why they breathe
Throw food stamps before the swine
Make all them monkey’s go blind
Just shoot me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don’t you know you’re going to punch the monkey’s
Too much to be taken
Ground beneath me shaken
Monkey noggins breakin’
Shock! – watch the monkey get hurt, monkey
Punch the monkey
Punch the monkey
Beat that monkey dead
There I feel much better now!
That jihadi with the bomb vest is just a misunderstood victim in need of a hug. You should hug him.
George Bush is purposely poisoning our air. You should hold your breath.
And an addendum to another poster’s comment:
“Screw Jesus. Al Gore is the true Prophet.”
Posted by: Eldias on April 27, 2007 03:52 PM
…but Mohammad was pretty cool too.
(we don’t want to insult the religion of peace now, do we?)
George Bush doesn’t want liberals to give me all their money. He says it would prove we’ve lost in Iraq.
The American People want you to implement the “fairness doctrine” and remove all conservatives from TV and radio…including FOX News!!!
More democratic debates…all the time…all channels…keep them coming for the next two years! We love that stuff!
Why don’t you try your regular
– Saddam has WMD
– Saddam is involved with Al-Qaeda
instead of making up new lies?
Less work.
P.S. I can post here from my home IP… please tell me you did’nt ban me, it would be too lame.
Tell the American people they aren’t Muslim enough and they deserve to be attacked by terrorists.
Well, since our own rebuplican party leadership hasn’t been particularly strong, isn’t the whole idea of the media speaking truth to power an example of speaking lies to weakness?
The Americans are tired of that whole “democracy” thing. We’d all really rather be ruled by our enlightened socialist/communist brethren. While we’re at it, let’s implement Kyoto and bring our standards of living down to 4th world status.
Y’know, it just hit me… “Speak lies to weakness” sounds like something an activist on Bizarro World would say.
Christianity is the root of all evil. Campaign on banning it in all it’s forms in the United States.
Keep pushing evolution. The American people all know we evolved from some priomordial ooze a gazillion years ago.
Halliburtin! Nuff said!
I think that the calendar shouldn’t feature just Nancy. We can have one hot Democratic/lefty chick (ha!) per month: Nancy, Hillary, Rosie, Barbra Streisand, Helen Thomas, Dianne Feinstein, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, etc.
And, for the gals, hot Democratic/lefty guys: Teddy, Michael Moore (use the same wide-angle lens as for Rosie), Harry, Al, John Kerry (windsurfing), Howard Dean, Gray Davis (just use a blank page) . . .
The tax form is too short. Americans need the short form to be at least nine pages, one for each digit of the Social Security Number.
Hillary’s hair would look nicer if it were styled like Cynthia McKinney’s.
We need a Clinton/Feinstein/Pelosi swimsuit calendar…
Oh, boy, that would be HOT.
Sir Andrew:
We’ll have to add Janet Reno, Donna Shalala, and Barbara Mikulski to that calendar! LOL
“Why don’t you try your regular
– Saddam has WMD
– Saddam is involved with Al-Qaeda
instead of making up new lies?
Less work.”
I know I shouldn’t tempt the troll -but- Emiliano, I work at a place that translates documents for the military and did a tour in Baghdad. If you want to clean up the mustard gas production site without a chem suit, be my guest. If you want to deny AQ was in Iraq, then keep putting your hands over your ears and saying “LA-LA-LA-LA”. Sorry, I’ve seen the documents (and they are unclassified, now).
My contribution –
“Those people are very understanding about different cultures; take your life partner on a tour of scenic Tehran and live it up in the bath houses and public parks. No one will mind.”
SGT Dave
“Jews is evil. Israel is evil. It is ALL their fault that the Muslims are mad at us. If we just stops supporting Israel, then those sweet Arabs will just end their jihad.”
Like, Ohm’s Law, dude. Truth to Power.
The Democratic Underground is the official mouthpiece of the Democratic Party.