LOS ANGELES (AP) – Despite numerous promises in his lifetime to allow his guns to be taken from his cold, dead hands, the late Charlton Heston issued a statement today saying that he will retain possession of his firearms into the afterlife.
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“I know a lot of liberals eagerly anticipated my demise so that they could freely disarm me,” said the dead former President of the National Rifle Association, “but I’ve come to realize that joining the choir invisible is not, in and of itself, sufficient reason for an American citizen to surrender his weapons.”
“Liberals have long assumed that the day of my demise would be the day they could strip me of my right to self-defense, but they assumed wrong,” said the deceased actor. “If Democrats won’t acknowledge death as a reason to take away a person’s right to vote, why should it be a reason to take away their right to bear arms? Besides, the last time I thought I was dead, I woke up on a planet full of talking apes. I really could’ve used a good rifle then.”
Senator Diane Feinstein said she wasn’t surprised by the screen legend’s change of heart, non-beating though it was. “This is typical hypocrisy from the so-called ‘gun-rights’ establishment,” said the California Senator. “All they care about is killing hundreds of thousands of children every year with their assault rifles, and I guess Mr. Heston hasn’t reached his quota of slaughtered innocents yet.”
Documentarian Michael Moore, whose 2002 film Bowling for Columbine proved beyond argument that guns are pure evil, registered shock and disappointment at the departed Oscar-winning actor’s decision. “I was standing in line outside Heston’s house with my gun-prying tool, just like every other decent gun-hating patriot. It was going to be like Arthur drawing Excalibur, and the first person to get Heston’s rifle was going to have a gun-control bill named after him. Sadly, it was not to be.”
“Looks like America bowled a 37 today,” said Moore.
If only Mr. Hestson could sit up and get off a couple rounds at Michael Moore.
Heston’s corps is still too much of a man for your average pot smoking hippie liberal to stand up to.
RIP, Mr. Heston.
I heard someone tried to take the gun from his hands after he died, but he wouldn’t let go and quite clearly yelled out “homo” at who tried.
The coroner said that was just rigor mortis settling in.
This post is made of awesome. Kudos, Harvey.
I mean, how else can you get a 21-gun salute in Heaven?
//Heston’s corps is still too much of a man for your average pot smoking hippie liberal to stand up to.
#2 – Posted by: Marvin on April 7, 2008 11:21 AM//
Well said, Marvin! And Harv this post rocks of the awesomeness that no doubt would be Charleton Heston’s greatest wish. Bravo!
“NEWSISH FAKERY” indeed.
“Fraudumentarian Michael Moore, whose 2002 film….”
“…gun-hating patriot….” A new top 10 oxymoron.
As it happens I bought the movie EL CID and watched it over the weekend. Heston plays a Spaniard who led the fight to keep the Moslems from conquring Spain. Very good movie.
I hear Heston’s “corpse” is pretty tough too!
Michael Moore needs his fat dumb monkey face punched, his fat ass and his tiny balls kicked…hard…several times! Come to St Paul for the Republican convention, Michael! We want to have a “meet and greet”… After all we are all just a bunch of rubes here in the upper midwest!
OMG, this is good stuff. So subtle, so pointed, so, so, so…HARVEY!
But I can’t help thinking, that even Mr. Heston in his dead state, would recite to you the line he spoke in Friends, “Kid, put on some pants so I can kick your butt…”
Mainly, though, I loved your quote about the vote!
Do you think we could get Mr. Heston to go to SF when the torch lands there. He could start shooting pro and anti Chinese protesters and no one would get in trouble. What’s going to happen to him, he’s dead. Can they arrest a dead man? In SF they probably wouldn’t notice for a few days, what with the prevalent hippy smell.
I had been on the Free Tibet side of this issue but I’m quickly moving the other way. Of course both sides are acting like animals or liberals (sorry redundant), but the Tibet folks seem to want to ruin things for everyone.
Very (liberal) democratic of them.
Thank You all more than I can describe for this thread.
Considering;
My #1 Hero’s Memorial last Friday; William F. Buckley
The 40th anniversary of the loss of the best hope the Afican-American portion of this country had to move POSITIVELY into the future; Martin Luther King
The passing of “My President” Charleton Heston (yes I still have the bumper sticker from the 90’s)
After reading this I thought of what they’re saying to each other while sharing a cloud.
Thanks again for breaking my depression.
“I really could have used a good rifle then.” LOL
I’d rather listen to Mr. Heston read random entries from the Yellow Pages than anything that Fat, Fat Water Rat-bastard Mickey Moore ever has or ever will produce. I joined the NRA because of Mr. Heston, and a member I’ll remain. A .45ACP high-velocity hollow-point means never having to say, “Shoot him again, he’s still moving!”. Great warriors go to Valhalla where everyone goes armed all the time. Mr. Heston will fit right in.
A Question: will Heston be packing in the grave? No, I’m serious as a heart attack.
Harvey, you snarkey devil, don’t stop.
Good one. Heston and Buckley in one week, it’s hard to take.
Video: Second Amendment rally in Harrisburg, PA
mms://media1.pahousegop.com/video/170204423.wmv
Harvey, you should get a job writing for the NY Times. Your stories are more believable than the tripe they usually publish.
I bet he even has his casket booby-trapped to nail down the Left-wing Gun Grabbers. I hope so.