CULLOWHEE, N.C. (AP) — Police at Western Carolina University and wildlife officials were investigating the discovery early Monday of a dead bear cub draped with a pair of Barack Obama campaign signs. Both the Obama and McCain campaigns were quick to accuse each other of responsibility for the death.

“I might kill bears, but at least I don’t steal their honey.”

“This bear, who we like to call Joe, was obviously despondent over the prospect of an Obama presidency,” said McCain spokeswoman Nancy Pfotenhauer. “Obama said he wants to take people’s honey and spread it around. The campaign signs were obviously a suicide note naming the thing that drove Joe over the edge.”

Bill Burton, speaking for the Obama camp, accused McCain of distorting the Democrat candidate’s position. “Yes, Obama does want to spread honey around, but that’s a GOOD thing. I mean, does ANYONE eat honey straight from the jar? Of COURSE not! Most decent, hard-working Americans mix their honey with other tasty condiments such as barbeque sauce or mustard and then spread it on grilled chicken. Thinly. Just a nice glaze. Not all gooey and drippy and gaggy-sweet. Government is the chef who wants to help you be patriotic by spreading your honey around.”

At a rally in Miami, Florida, Obama questioned whether Joe the Bear actually had enough honey to be affected by his new tax policies. “My plan will only affect people who make more than 250 jars of honey a year. There’s no bear that I know of that makes that much. And ‘Joe’ isn’t even a bear. He’s actually a wolverine. Or maybe a just a chubby badger. He also owes honey to the government, his real name is Fozzy, and he’s related to notorious 60’s radical and picnic basket thief, Yogi Bear.”

During a campaign stop in Pennsylvania, McCain belittled Obama for criticizing the late bear. “Ignore Barack. He’s just cranky because Joe made him admit on film that he’s such an unrepentant socialist that the only country he should be running for President of is Cuba. In AMERICA, we celebrate when people make more honey.”

“Unless,” McCain added, “they get their greedy, Wall Street heads stuck in a honey jar, in which case we need to take some of your honey and spread it around to get them out again.”