Archive of entries posted on October 2008

IMAO Once Again Causing Controversy

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The Young Conservatives of Texas printed a humorous Top Ten Gun Safety Tips flyer and is now in threat of being disbanded by Lone Star College–Tomball (What the hell kind of college name is that? Did the college get married and change its name?). The Volokh Conspiracy has a discussion of the First Amendment implications, but if you look at the top ten list there, you may note that another issue is at play here: Plagiarism!

That’s right; the list is taken from my Top Ten Gun Safety tips t-shirt (in stock now!), with a few minor edits (for some reason, #4 is missing the punchline). I’m guessing the most controversial one is #10 “Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a Hippy or a Communist.” Now, a lot of people have crticized that line because it doesn’t use the preferred spelling of “hippie,” and I don’t really have a response to that. But do some people think it constitutes an actual threat?

Come on! This isn’t “dead baby humor” trying to be offensive. This is straight up conservatives like guns and don’t like hippies and Communists humor. It’s about as mild as “Why does the chicken cross the road?” for this site. It’s actually making fun of conservative bravado in a way, so you could actually call it quite nuanced — except that makes it sound gay. Anyway, I even remember one Simpsons episode that made jokes about shooting hippies (and graphically depicted it — it was awesome!). Hippies aren’t even real people. They’re just made up. As for threatening to point a gun at Communists, that’s like threatening to point a gun at Nazis. Reagan killed them all in the eighties anyway.

Anyway, Brian S. Nelson speaking on behalf of the Lone Star College System responded to FIRE’s free speech claim saying:

“The mention of firearms and weapons on college campuses – and in specific LSCS – Tomball – brings fear and concern to students, faculty and staff ‐ which translates into a ‘material interference with the operation of the school or the rights of others’.”

So basically you can have the First Amendment and the Second Amendment but don’t try to combine the two into one freedom peanut butter cup and talk about guns, because that’s verboten. So, I guess that can’t even talk about Heller in their Constitutional law class. Really, is our freedom of speech limited by what can scare sissies? In America, the last people we’re ever supposed to be concerned about are sissies. If it were up the sissies, we’d have the queen on our money right now. I hate that woman. I don’t want her anywhere near my money.

Anyway, just for the the Young Conservative of Texas, here’s a rewrite of item ten:

“Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a Hippy or a Communist or a college administrator.”

Then again, that’s kinda repetitive. Of course, this could be some brilliant ploy by the Lone Star College system. They’ll have a meeting for anyone who felt threatened by the flyer, and then they’ll shoot all those people for being Communists (or hippies). That’s the Texas I know.

Hellbender Note

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I should have two more chapter up this week. Even at the glacial pace, I should have the story finished before senility keeps me from remembering how it ends.

Righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttt . . .

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Just add Jimmy Carter

Vote Obama and Don’t Ask Any Questions If You Know What’s Good for You

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I hope we’ve all learned our lesson. In the new regime, if Barack Obama comes to your house, you better show him complete reverence or he and his cronies in the media will destroy you. Joe the Plumber has had his company shut down just for asking a question, so Obama is already losing people jobs and he’s not even president yet.

Anyway, if you want to keep your meager job and share in Obama’s socialism handouts, don’t ask questions like these:

“I know your supporters can’t, but can you name anything significant you’ve accomplished?”

“Do you have any friends who don’t hate or want to destroy America?”

“What’s your policy on flag pin wearing today?”

“When Chief Justice Roberts says your full name as part of swearing you in, are you going to have him arrested for a hate crime?”

“Why are your ears so big, you mutant freak?”

“So basically you think Socialism is fine and dandy as long as you call it something else?”

“Can I call you ‘Barry’? How about ‘Pinko’?”

“How exactly are you going to handle the presidency when rolling a ball down a little lane is apparently an epic challenge for you?”

“Can you please say, ‘Did I do that?’ in a nasally voice?”

The IMAO Presidential Endorsement

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When it comes down to it, the main reason people come to IMAO is for guidance. That’s why our endorsements are so critical. Many credit our endorsement of George W. Bush in 2004 of winning him that election when polls had him losing just days before. Other’s credit our conspiring with Diebold for rendering those polls moot. Unfortunately, the voting machines this year have a programming glitch causing them to register a vote for whomever the user selects instead of the predetermined winner, so it’s back to the old fashioned tactic of trying to influence people.

That said, IMAO endorses…

Continue reading ‘The IMAO Presidential Endorsement’ »

Sarah Palin on SNL

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Ace thought they slammed her, but the jokes from the Tina Fey Palin seemed less pointed this time (I loved her answer about are some parts of the country unAmerican). Allahpundit was negative about it to, but he’s negative about everything. While it does seem Palin wasn’t given much to do, I think it was a net plus for her just to be there not looking awkward at all and being in on the jokes. It should help blunt any parody of her in the future.

And I thought the rap was pretty funny.

UPDATE:

Highest ratings for SNL in fourteen years.

Don’t question Obama’s patriotism

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Don’t question Barack Obama’s patriotism.

Ignore the fact that a recent campaign stop in Londonderry, New Hampshire, had scheduled a high school senior, Zach Bencal, to sing the National Anthem. Then canceled the National Anthem to make room for something more important:

Bencal, who sings the anthem for a number of school events and is actively involved in local community theatre, had been contacted by the Obama campaign to sing the anthem. He agreed to do so, then was told later in the evening the anthem had been scratched from the program. Bencal said he was told by the campaign the decision was a simple programming change to make room for another speaker.

Even though the National Anthem isn’t that important to him, don’t question his patriotism.

Ignore the Senator not putting his hand over his heart during the playing of the National Anthem during an Indianola, Iowa, campaign stop in September, 2007:

Despite that, don’t question his patriotism.

Ignore his long history with terrorists Bill Ayers, who bombed NYC police headquarters, the Pentagon, and the U.S. Capitol. The same Bill Ayers in whose living room Obama held one of his first ever campaign appearances. The same Bill Ayers who served on boards with Obama. The same Bill Ayers who lives in the same neighborhood as Obama. The same Bill Ayers who has exchanged hundreds of thousands of dollars with Obama.

But don’t question Obama’s patriotism, we’re told.

So, I won’t.

But, if you’re voting for Barack Obama, I’m questioning yours.

It takes a big plunger to plunge a big load of . . .

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Mario In My World comment thread

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Comments aren’t working on this post for some reason, so you can comment here to tell me how awesome I am.

McCain the Comedian

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Perhaps the funniest speech I’ve heard a politician give:

(via Hot Air)

In My World: Super Mario Socialism

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Mario, Princess Peach, and Luigi headed out of Mushroom Castle to go on a picnic. “What a beautiful day!” Princess Peach exclaimed.

“Itsa all right,” Mario said.

“O-oh no!” Luigi stammered, pointing to the horizon, “Itsa Bowser!”

 Will Mario the Plumber be able to survive his most taxing adventure yet?

Flying over them was Bowser in his Koopa Clown Copter. Behind him were numerous flying Koopas, each carrying a large bag. “Muh ha ha ha ha!” Bowser bellowed. “We have all of your gold coins, Mario the Plumber!”

“What!?” Mario cried. “How did you breaka into my vault and geta my coins?”

“We didn’t have to break in,” Bowser said. “It’s our right to them since my good friend, Obama Koopa, has been elected President of Mushroom Kingdom.”

Little Obama Koopa popped up next to Bowser in the Clown Copter. “Hopenchange! Hopenchange!”

“This isa crazy!” Mario yelled. “How dida he get elected? Doesn’t everyone knows he pals around with Bomb-Ombs? And what does he want with all my gold coins? He canta roll them up to snorta the coke.”

“Obama Koopa has decided you have way too many gold coins for a plumber,” Bowser proclaimed, “so it’s time to redistribute your wealth. We’re going to give your coins to all the Goombas.”

“Those lazy bastards canta have my coins!” Mario cried. “I worked hard for those coins backa in old the days when a 1-Up actually meant something. Obama Koopa, how can you justify taking from me like this?”

“Hopenchange! Hopenchange!” Obama Koopa responded.

“What does that even mean? You turtle bastard! I will stomp on your head and kicka your shell all over town!”

Luigi tapped Mario on the shoulder. “You can’t say that. It’s racist.”

“How isa that racist?”

Luigi shrugged. “They said so in the media. I donta understand why, but they say itsa racist.”

Mario slapped him. “Shut upa! You’re useless!” He turned back to shake his fist at Bowser as he flew off with all of Mario’s coins. “I’ll breaka your neck for this!”

“At least I didn’t get kidnapped this time,” Princess Peach giggled.

“Shut upa, you stupid bitch!” Mario screamed. “I could be so lucky! They took all my gold coins! This isa serious this time! This willa destroy my plumbing business! I worka so hard on this. You probably don’t even remember when I started out knocking crabs upside down and kicking them before I wasa super.”

“Then again, you still never gotta your plumbing license,” Luigi said.

“How many times have I saved the Mushroom Kingdom!” Mario yelled. “What do I needa plumbing license for! And things certainly weren’t any easier having to drag a useless turd like you around.” Mario slapped Luigi. “Now shut upa! You’re useless!”

“I think you need to calm down,” Princess Peach said.

“They’re is no calming down until I getta my coins!” Mario screamed. “I think I’ll call my cousin Guido this time. We’ll show them!”

“But isn’t he in the mob?” Princess Peach asked.

“He’s a legitimate business man!” Mario answered angrily. “Why do you have to label every Italian-Mushroom Kingdonian as a criminal, you filthy racist whore! I outta slap you around like my useless brother!”

Princess Peach backed off and muttered under her breath, “Greasy wop midget.”

“What did you say!” Mario screamed.

Luigi jumped in between them. “Hey, Mario, we’re just all upset because of Bowser. Letsa not do anything stupid.”

Mario slapped Luigi. “Shut upa! You’re useless!”

Toad ran up to them carrying a gold coin. “Look what Obama Koopa gave me! Isn’t he the greatest?”

“Thatsa my coin!” Mario yelled. He then picked up a trash can and started slamming it into Toad.

“Please stop!” Toad pleaded. “I don’t even know what I did!”

Mario kept slamming the trash can into him. “I’m sorry, but your mercy is in another Italian plumber!”

Finally, Mario stopped and Toad lay still on the ground. “I thinka you killed him!” Luigi cried.

Mario spat on the ground. “I know I did.”

“What did you do, Mario!” Princess Peach yelled. “What did you do!”

“I gotta one of my coins back, that’s what I did!” He took the coin off of Toad. “Now we get the rest. I’m not going to let happen to my plumbing business what happened to my construction business. You remember that, Luigi?”

“You got shut down by the EPA.”

“When a gorilla throws a barrel at me,” Mario said, “I smash the barrel with a hammer; that’s my policy. I don’t got time to first fill out an environmental impact form. Would the government rather me jump over the barrel and let them run into the flaming oil can? Then they become one of those fire creatures; is that good for the environment? Plus, they move around erratically; I can’t jump over those! Do those bureaucrats know anything about business? Ita makes me so mad!” He slapped Luigi.

Luigi clutched his face. “What was that for?”

“For doing nothing, like usual! Now let’s getta those coins back! Get me my weapons!”

“But they took away your weapons,” Luigi said. “Now that Obama Koopa is in charge, civilian possession of bullet bills is illegal.”

“What!” Mario turned to Princess Peach. “You’re the princess; you do something!”

Princess Peach shrugged. “I’m really more of a figurehead. See, we have a bicameral legislature that meets–”

“I donta know what that means!” Mario screamed. “Shutta your mouth. You’re as useless as my brother!” He turned to Luigi. “Just get me my 150cc kart and we’ll go after them.”

“We can’t drive the kart anymore,” Luigi said. “It’s illegal unless you convert it to a hybrid.”

“Thatsa it!” Mario ran into Mushroom Castle and started rooting around in a trunk. “Here it is!” He pulled out a shotgun.

“You can’t have a gun in a platformer!” Luigi exclaimed.

Mario slapped him. “Shut upa! You’re useless! I’m switching genres! Now this game is survival horror, and I’m getting my coins back and killing anyone who gets in my way. You know as they say: Guns don’t kill people; people with mustaches kill people.” Mario chambered a round. “Letsa go!”

Coming November 4th to Nintendo Wii.

Democracy in action

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Iraqi voter
A voter in the democratic elections in Iraq, October 15, 2005.

Hippie voter
A Democratic voter in the elections in Ohio, November 4, 2008.

Warning: Dangerous Asteroid Is on the Loose

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NASA has reported that they have lost track of a particularly dangerous asteroid. This asteroid has been known to threaten all life on this planet and needs to be found immediately. Everyone should be on the lookout for it.

Here’s the last known photo of it:

And here’s what a computer program has determined it might look like if it changes its appearance:

If you see the asteroid, do not try to handle it yourself. Call NASA and find cover.

Remember: Only you can prevent the total annihilation of life on this planet.™

In My World: Redistribution

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Joe the Plumber was busy working under a kitchen sink, which is why he didn’t hear someone come up behind him. He was slammed in the back with a pipe wrench, leaving him crying in pain as he looked up at his attacker: Barack Obama.

“You made one mistake, Joe,” Obama said. “You made too much money.”

“I’m just trying to expand my business.” Joe lay on the floor, clutching his back. “I was just hoping to–”

Obama kicked him. “I don’t care! It’s my money now! Give it to me!”

Joe pulled out his wallet and Obama greedily snatched it away and looked through it. He then kicked Joe again. “There’s not enough in there!”

“What’s going on?” The owner of the house stood at the kitchen’s door, looking shocked at the scene in front of her.

“This doesn’t concern you!” Obama shouted at her.

“Should I call the police?” she asked.

Obama ripped the kitchen phone out of the wall. “You’re not calling anyone, bitch! Now what were you going to pay him?”

“Hey, leave her alone!” Joe pleaded. “This is about me!”

“Shut the @#$% up!” Obama shouted back. He then waved his pipe wrench at the woman. “Write the check out to me! Do it! Do it now!”

The woman broke down crying as she pulled out her checkbook.

Obama walked back over to Joe. “This is why I have nothing but disdain for women.”

“What do you want?” Joe asked desperately.

“I just want to help everybody, Joe.” Obama knelt down and smiled. “Just trying to spread the wealth around. But @#$% like you got to make this difficult. Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to take your cell phone, call your banks, and wire $40,000 to me. If you don’t, I’m going to raise your taxes even more by making you lose your Child Tax Credit. And know how I’m going to do that? BY @#$% KILLING YOUR FAMILY!!!!”

The screen turned off and Obama turned to the press. “And that was the dramatization of my new tax plan. Any questions?”

“Why are you so awesome?” a reporter squealed with glee.

“It’s hard.” Obama bowed his head sadly. “Especially when FOX News allows critical things about me to be said.”

“Awww, poor Obama,” the press said. “Everyone is against him.”

“Let’s only write positive things about him and negative things about McCain!” one reporter said.

Another reporter looked confused. “Um… I thought we were already doing that.”

Heh

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Senator Government