If there was a peace prize in the Awesomeness Awards, this would totally win. It could save tons of people in a totally awesome way: Killing mosquitoes with a heat-seeking laser. It will fry them mid-flight by the millions using leftover technology from SDI. This is a text book example of why you don’t mess with humans: Other animals may just swat at mosquitoes, but we make an automated laser cannon.
Archive of entries posted on 18th March 2009
Rumor of the Day
Dick Cheney Assassination Squad FAQ
DICK CHENEY ASSASSINATION SQUAD FAQ
Q. How did we first hear about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Noted smart person Seymour Hersh revealed the squad’s existence as reported by noted news-type person and silly dancing monkey Keith Olbermann.
Q. What was Keith Olbermann’s reaction?
A. Here is it in its entirety.
Q. If there really was a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad, wouldn’t Seymour Hersh have wound up dead before he could tell anyone?
A. He hasn’t officially reported his findings, and he has been found dead, his body split into five pieces, four of them scattered to the distant corners of the earth.
Q. Where’s the fifth piece?
A. Scientists theorize it’s on one of Saturn’s moons.
Q. Holy crap!
A. Yeah, that’s what happens to you when you mess with the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad!
Q. Is there any other evidence of it?
A. IMAO reader Michael Rutman sent in this photo he took:
It appears to be Dick Cheney on a non-avian armed with what looks to be a laser cannon. This goes along with what most theorize a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad would be like.
Q. What proof is there that the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad has dinosaurs?
A. Can you imagine a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad without some sort of dinosaur mount? Do you have any idea how ludicrous that sounds?
Q. What are the qualifications to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. You must:
* Be a Republican.
* Have shot a lawyer in the face.
* Not have allergies to dinosaurs.
* Have never let a hippie come within one hundred feet of you without being punched.
* Own stock in Halliburton.
Additionally, it helps to be part robot like Dick Cheney.
Q. Can you be fully a robot?
A. Of course not. Having robots riding dinosaurs is just asking for trouble.
Q. But cyborgs are okay?
A. Yes! Stop acting like this is a complicated distinction, nimrod!
Q. So who are the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad assassinating?
A. Buy a foreign newspaper and check the obituaries. That’s them.
Q. Can anyone stop the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Dennis Kucinich is going to try.
Q. Isn’t he afraid the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is going to come after him?
A. If that happens, he plans to hide on someone’s lawn by disguising himself as a lawn gnome.
Q. Does he have the pointy red hat to pull that off?
A. He has a variety of them for whether the occasion is formal or casual.
Q. What would hiding from the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad be?
A. I believe that’s casual, but don’t quote me on that.
Jack Cafferty Plagiarized Me
I read this editorial by Jack Cafferty and it instantly made me think of the editorial I wrote last week for Pajamas Media. What do you think?
Maybe If We Change the Name They Won’t Be Dangerous Anymore
Obama will no longer refer to Guantanamo inmates as “enemy combatants”.
Guess we’ll need some sort of new, politically correct term for them.
How about:
 |
* Playful roughhousers
* Persons of misunderstanding
* Gitmo Morphin Power Rangers
* Ticking time bombs
* Immoral aliens
* The Obama Tabernacle Choir
* Shot while escaping
* Haji’s Heroes (starring Barack Obama as Col. Klink)
* The Waterboardettes
* Proof that liberals are spineless pansies who can’t be trusted with our national security
Of course, I’ll just call them what I’ve always called them:
F@#$ing terrorists.
Any other suggestions?
Link of the Day
What if the Federal government were a corporation?
Would its website look like this?
Kylon Gustin of BusinessPlanAdvice.com thinks so and brilliantly walks the line between parody and “What crazy scheme is Obama floating THIS time?”.
Become part of the collective
Get what’s coming to you. We’re here to take from the rich and give to you.Are there services we are not currently offering that you need?
Remember, Big Brother’s mission is to provide free social services to the masses and create a dependent society resulting in our entrenchment into every aspect of their lives. If there is some aspect of your life that we have missed, please let us know.
Yeah, it made me giggle, but part of me was thinking “Don’t give them any ideas!”