The Fred Thompson show website now has archives, so you can listen to Jeri Thompson read an IMAO post while Fred Thompson laughs (because I’m awesome) if you go to about 26:30 on the March 3rd show.
Archive of entries posted on 10th March 2009
Monkeys Think Ahead
We’re a further step towards Planet of the Apes, because we now know chimps can plan ahead. Santino the chimp does a silly little monkey dance as a display of dominance every afternoon and people inevitably laugh at him. Santino get the last laugh because then he starts throwing rocks at the people who dared mock his silly little monkey dance. They’re aren’t many rocks just lying around, though, and it ends up Santino spends every morning collecting rocks since he knows people are going to laugh at his silly monkey dance and he’s going to want to throw rocks at them. That’s a smart monkey who thinks ahead. He didn’t think far enough ahead, though, because the zookeepers have now castrated him for it. Ha! Stupid monkey.
In My World: Doing a Lot and Doing It Poorly
Rahm Emanuel entered the Oval Office. “You might want to take things a little slower, Obama.”
“I know exactly what I’m doing!” President Obama shouted.
“Well, the stock market is diving every time you speak, and it’s not like your meeting with the Prime Minister of Britain went well.”
* * * *
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, President Obama,” Gordon Brown said as he entered the Oval Office.
“It is a pleasure to meet me,” Obama said very matter of factly. “Everyone wants to meet me. I’m very popular.”
“Yes, well, I wanted to give you these gifts as an offer of friendship. Here is a pen holder carved from the wood of the sister ship of from which your desk is made.”
“A wooden pen holder?” Obama said angrily. “I can hold my own pens! I’m a genius!”
Brown was a bit taken aback. “Yes… well… Here is a seven volume biography of Winston Churchill.”
Obama scrunched his face. “I don’t know who that is or why I should care about him. Anyway, I guess I should give you something…” Obama rummaged through a desk drawer. “Here are twenty-five classic American movies.”
Brown looked through them. “Deuce Bigalow? Naked Gun 33 and a 1/3? These are from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart… and there is only seven of them.”
“Hey! At least one of those is a Must Love Dogs/You’ve Got Mail double feature!”
“Oh, okay…”
“You’re ungrateful!” Obama screamed. “You’ve met the one and only Obama and you’re ungrateful!”
“No, I’m very thankful…”
“I declare war on you! War! WAAAAAR!”
“Please… don’t… I… um… Are you… high?”
* * * *
“We’re you?” Rahm asked.
Obama stared down at his desk and didn’t answer.
“Could you stop snorting coke long enough to answer me!”
“Hey! I’m just doing enough to take the edge off. And I don’t think I did as bad at foreign affairs as Hillary who’s supposed to be so much more experienced!”
* * * *
“Here’s is a reset button to reset the American-Russian relationship.” Hillary handed Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov a red button on a yellow box.
“Um… it doesn’t say reset.”
“Yes it does,” Hillary stated. “My people are very smart and that’s the Russian word they came up with for reset.”
“I know Russian and it doesn’t say reset.”
“It says reset!” Hillary snapped.
“I’m a native speaker of Russian, and–”
Hillary leaped at him and grabbed his throat. “How dare you contradict me! How about I push a big red button and reset your whole @#$% country!”
* * * *
“At least Gibbs explained things to the press very nicely,” Obama said.
“He’s ended his last three press conferences curled in a ball, crying, and wetting himself.”
“That’s Gibbs!” Obama chuckled. “Anyway, I have a new list of enemies I want him to call out. I was looking through some blogs and blog comments, and I wrote down everyone who criticized me. I want him to personally name them and call them traitors. I’ll teach CoolDude447 to call me ‘teh ghey’!”
“I’m not really sure we should be spending time on that,” Rahm said.
“If other things need to get done, can’t you have my vice president what’s-his-name handle it?”
“Biden barely has enough brain power to remember to breathe on a regular basis.”
“Whatever. Soon my troubles with my enemies will be over. I even have troops looking for Rush Limbaugh right now in the mountains on the border of Pakistan.”
“Um… they’re not looking for Limbaugh.”
“But I thought I heard they were looking for America’s number one enemy?”
“They’re looking for Osama,” Rahm explained, “and we’ve had trouble retasking them to anything else.”
* * * *
Buck the Marine got a call on his radio. “Buck here.”
“Buck, you have an order from Obama.”
“I’m already looking for Osama,” Buck answered.
“No, it’s an order from Obama.”
“I don’t take orders from terrorists.”
“No, Obama, in D.C.”
“Osama is in Washington D.C.! He must be up to something big!”
“No, President Obama.”
“Osama has taken over the country and declared himself leader?” Buck exclaimed. “Don’t worry; I’ll lead the resistance from the outside the country.”
“Yeah… um… you do that.”
lolbama! Part 9
This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Also, you guys submitted so many good ones that I’m actually going to just sit this one out. Excellent work, people. There’ll be a little something extra in your paychecks this week.
By the way, I only got one person submitting on the Castro picture from last week’s lolterizt! (I apologize for the crummy selection), so if you still want to take a stab at it, there’s plenty of room.
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From ColoradoRight of Colorado Right:
Also from ColoradoRight of Colorado Right:
From ev1:
From Peregrine John:
From Neil:
Also from Neil:
From Rick of Rabid Conservative:
My favorite from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Hunter:
From Derek of Awesometific American:
From Neil:
From Rev. Right of America is an Obamanation!:
From Rick of Rabid Conservative:
Also from Rick of Rabid Conservative:
From Susie:
From the real joe
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Goofy Beards
In Britain, a Muslim police officer is suing because people laugh at his beard. But look at it!
It’s like something just took a photo and painted a beard on with MSPaint! Can you really expect someone who can see that in the mirror and not know something is horribly wrong to uphold the law? Frankly, it would be discourteous not to laugh at him and thus pretend a beard like that is normal. It is not the beard of a sane man; I think I saw that beard in a DSM IV. It’s disturbed beard syndrome. That looks like the same beard you’d buy a kid for a dollar in a costume shop. I we sure it isn’t? That’s the sort of beard that get you laughed out of Amish country. It’s like a black Pacman is biting his chin.
I’m just saying it’s a goofy-looking beard. Am I right?