Every cloud has a silver lining, thus silver-lined clouds are quite common and thus economically worthless. Keep waiting for the much rarer gold-lined cloud.
Archive of entries posted on September 2009
Frank Advice for Life
lolbama! Part 22
This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Looks like I picked a good captioning picture last week. Had to leave quite a few on the cutting room floor. Good work, people.
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Fenshing:
From Zappatrust:
From AlanABQ:
[reference link (NSFW)]
From Brian the Adequate:
From Kevin:
From Evan:
From Garry:
From George the Pure(ile):
From Hellrider:
[reference link]
From Julie:
From me (Harvey):
[reference link]
From Paul:
From Shabba:
From Zorn:
From Robert:
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
This Van Was a Real Clunker
Frank Advice for Life
While Link’s Quest was perhaps the least of the Legend of Zelda series, it had the best advice about life.
Improved Unenhanced Interrogation Techniques
Hart of That Hero muses on the few remaining techniques available to the CIA now that guns, power drills, and family death threats are off the table for interrogating terrorists.
The thing is, direct inquiry isn’t the ONLY way to get people to give up secrets they shouldn’t. Consider some other possibilities:
 |
* “I’m from the New York Times, and this is totally off the record.”
* Nigerian spam scam
* Ebay/PayPal spoofs
* Reality show “confession booths”
* Your “anonymous” blog
* $3 discount bin diaries with “locks” on them that pop open if you look at them cross-eyed
* “We’ll just make this video for ‘fun’. No one else will ever see it, and I *promise* to erase it tomorrow”.
* A bottle of MD 20/20 & a harmless game of “Truth or Dare”.
* “Don’t worry. Our ‘privacy policy’ strictly prohibits sharing of information with third parties. You COULD read the whole boring thing if you want, or just click ‘I agree'”.
* Victoria’s Secret 44DD underwire digital mp3 recorder.
Any other ideas for information extraction?
THE LORD OF THE LEFT WING – Part I
Since Harvey saw fit to share his version of the Eye of Sauron earlier today, I figured I’d take this opportunity to repost this little piece of satire from America is an Obamanation! that received very little attention when I posted it over there. I think it deserves a wider audience and I hope you agree…
THE LORD OF THE LEFT WING
by Erik Nolt, Jr.
BOOK I – THE FELONSHIP OF THE QUISLINGS
This story is largely concerned with habits… bad voting habits… and from its paragraphs a reader may (with any luck) discover much of their own character and a little of their own history.
CHAPTER I: A Long, Expensive Party
Long ago, in the eastern region of Morpork, there dwelt in the fiery depths of Mount Dumb in the heart of the ancient city of Wasting-Tons, a great and powerful evil necromancer known as Lord Soros. It was here within his evil volcano lair that he set about a plot to take over all of the once proud land of Belittled Worth.
Map of Belittled Worth
To accomplish this end, he needed an army — An army of mindless dolts who would bend easily to his will and would not be tempted by conscience to stray from his mission of darkness. And so it was that he constructed his own soldiers by fusing the DNA of several lowly creatures, each selectively bred for the worst of their traits.
The Eye of Soros
He began, appropriately enough, with demons, selected for their lack of morals and pure wickedness, as well as their slyness and ability to easily possess the souls of mortal men and to tempt them into evil deeds with their glib tongues.
Next, he selected the orcs, twisted, ugly and fierce warriors capable of great cruelty.
Then, common sewer rats, cunning and sneaky and adept at spreading pestilence and disease, and laying waste to whole cities.
Finally, he threw in the essence of ticks, parasitic blood-sucking insects, as a final touch.
To celebrate the birth of this new lifeform, the evil Lord Soros threw a party in their honor, a party so infamous for its immense cost, sheer excess and unbridled debauchery, the mere mention of it will forever fill good men with the urge to vomit… and so it was that the Demon-Orc-Rat-Tick Party was born… and continues to this very day… and all of us have been stuck with the bill!
Blarney Fink (D – Massahugedebts)
Over the years, even as the endless celebration of all things wicked and depraved continued unabated, some folks shortened the name of this nightmarish cauldron of malevolence to the “Democrat” Party. Many of its witless worshipers, however, insisted on the more formal “Democratic” Party, arguing that the former ignored the blood-sucking parasite portion of their ancestry, something of which they were, surprisingly enough, quite proud. To this day, there are those that continue to try, stubbornly, to drop that pesky last syllable in spite of the protests, but find, much to their chagrin, that you can never quite manage to get the “ic” out of the Democratic Party.
To be continued…
NOTE: For those that may be curious, I already have the artwork ready for Part II and hope to come up with some fitting story content to go with it soon.
By Request
5 of 7 wanted to see the Obama symbol on the Tower of Barad-dûr:
How’s that?
Speaking of Obama’s unspeakable evil, someone thought he saw the Mark of the Beast in Obama’s Royal Seal.
I’m filing this one under “a bit of a stretch”.
If We Can’t Reason With Them, Maybe We Can Out-Crazy Them
Via Gateway Pundit, a video showing underhanded dirty-trickster leftism at it’s finest:
“Be civil, but block. So if they stand up and start asking questions and you’re in that area, simply stand up and start chanting ‘Health care now! Health care now!”
“So if we stand up, what does that do?”
“It’s the idea of keeping the camera away from them so they can’t be seen by the camera. Because before they’re yelling, and everyone else has got their heads down, cowering at their feet. So the whole idea is you just stand… if they have banners… we hold our signs, so if you have signs you’ll be able to hold up your signs in front of them. The whole idea is to deflect and not to confront.
[HCAN stooge asks him to recap proper procedure]
“‘You people, why won’t you…’… then it’s simply stand up, ‘Health care now! Health care now!’ until they get frustrated and then they’ll take their cookies and go to bed.”
“So, not confront, but it’s your meeting, hold onto your meeting, ok?”.
Fine. Just shout “SCISSORS BEATS PAPER!” then cut their signs in half.
Then break some HCAN jerk’s nose and yell “this man needs HEALTH CARE NOW!”.
Mad Liberals – Dear Republicans…
It’s finally finished!
That was a hell of a lot more work than I ever anticipated, but I think you’ll get a kick out of the results. I re-tweaked the source and used as many of your submissions as I thought I could reasonably get away with, so the counts do not match my original request post, but it doesn’t really matter anyway.
I started by using at least one submission from everyone that participated, then went back and started filling in random words from the lists where they seemed to fit best.
For those that would like to see the original rant, it came from the Democratic Underground (which I will not link directly), but you can find a copy of it at the much more link-friendly DUmmie FUnnies, a site which seeks out and pokes fun at the most unhinged rantings of the left, where they also include a link to the original should you care to tempt fate and venture into the open sewer that is DU.
I will warn you, however, that there is a whole lot of foul language in the original that we edited out in our much cleaner and far more sane version!
The final mad-lib(eral) is below the fold due to its length. Thanks to all who participated!
Job losses
The job numbers for August are out. And they don’t look good.
Unemployment is now at 9.7% — the highest it’s been since 1983.
The “underemployment rate” — the unemployed rate plus part-time workers who prefer a full-time position plus people who want work but have given up looking for a job — is at 16.8 percent, a record.
What does all this mean?
Obviously, nearly 1 in 10 Americans are out of work. But what else does it mean?
It means that the wrong people are losing their jobs.
We need to fire some elected officials. I’m thinking the entire Obama administration would be a good place to start. But then, I said don’t hire those rascals to begin with. But did America listen to me? No. 52% of American voters went and did something stupid.
Oh, sure. They were frustrated. They didn’t like how things were. But not putting any thought into a solution is a bad solution.
So, we have unemployment near 10%.
I think we ought to give Congress a 10% unemployment rate. That would mean 10 Senators losing their jobs. And 43 or 44 Representatives being sent packing.
Some say to throw them all out. But, as a Representative said yesterday, there are downsides to doing that. Remember, that’s basically what happened to put Obama in office: a desire to get rid of who was there. They seemed to forget that Bush wasn’t running for a third term. Stupid Obama voters.
So, which 10% of Congress should be unemployed?
Oh, I have some ideas.
Senators who are up for reelection in 2010:
Harry Reid (D-NV)
Boxer, Barbara (D-CA)
Dodd, Christopher J. (D-CT)
Daniel Inouye (D-HI)
Barbara Mikulski (D-MD)
Patty Murray (D-WA)
Schumer, Charles E. (D-NY)
Specter, Arlen (D-PA)
Leahy, Patrick J. (D-VT)
Lincoln, Blanche L. (D-AR)
Representatives:
Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
Barney Frank (D-MA)
Steve Cohen (D-TN)
Corrine Brown (D-FL)
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL)
Alcee Hastings (D-FL)
Eddie Bernice Johnson (D-TX)
Maxine Waters (D-CA)
Charles Rangel (D-NY)
Jim Moran (D-VA)
…Oh heck, I could go on and on with Representatives. But I’d start with this group.
If 10% of Congress lost their jobs … the most useless 10% … then unemployment might not be a bad thing after all.
Imagine this group having to work for a living. Or even trying to find a job.
Frank Advice for Life
At Boise Game Last Night…
…there were fisticuffs!
I missed it at first and it seemed like everyone was booing our team for winning the game. But no, there were booing punching which was wrong. Remember: Good sportsmanship means no punching unless it’s boxing in which punching is expected.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Colonel Mo’ammar Mohammar Muammar Qaddafi Khadaffi Gaddafi (Good, God, is there any consensus on how you spell this psycho’s name???) is in the news yet again this week.
Anyway, it seems that before he goes off camping in New Jersey, the Libyan dictator has plans to stop by the UN and ask them to dissolve Switzerland.
No, I’m not kidding about any of that, and those are not links to The Onion!
It seems that the UK government’s favorite oil-for-terrorists trading partner has his panties in a twist because his son Hannibal Lecter? and his wife were arrested there for assaulting a hotel maid in Geneva about a year ago.
So, of course, they now deserve to have their country carved up and have the pieces given to the surrounding nations.
I knew there had to be more to the story, however, and did some digging. Here’s what I found out:
Other Things Gaddafi Has Against the Swiss:
h/t Ace of Spades left sidebar headlines
Mad Lib(eral)s
More than half-a-century ago, a very bright and witty man named Leonard Stern created a word game that came to be known as Mad Libs. (You can read about the history of the whole concept HERE.)
I am certain that many of you, or more likely most of you, have played the game at a party sometime during the course of your lives. For those of you that haven’t, the concept is pretty simple: You start with something like a passage from a book, the Preamble to the Constitution, a popular song, or even a page from an instructional manual, replace many of the key words with blanks and ask people to fill them in with appropriate parts of speech (noun, verb, adjective, etc.). The results range from the mildly humorous to the uproariously funny depending on the quality (or lack thereof) of the words given.
I have long had the idea of playing an online version of the game using a particularly unhinged rant from a liberal, but to do it right, one needs lots of participants. Well, now that I have an appropriately sized audience at my disposal to try this, why don’t we have a little fun?
The rules are simple. I am going to tell you what types of words I need and you are going to provide me with some quality words (i.e., more creative nouns than, say, “chair” or “table”). Since we need so many nouns, verbs and adjectives, everyone can start by offering me one each of those, then you may choose a word that fits one of the other needed categories.
Here’s the thing: KEEP IT CLEAN! Pretend you are at a party with your parents and various uncles and aunts and Grandma and the pastor from your church and the sweet old lady who lives next door. Sure, a little spice is nice, a little double entendre here and there is even encouraged, but the thing is, the liberal loon who wrote the source material filled it with more filth than you could pile in the back of a fleet of manure trucks, so we’re going to actually clean it up for them.
It’s a long rant, so we need plenty of words. But in order to give everybody a chance to play, I am going to ask each of you to please only submit a list of words once every half hour or so (and no fair hauling out a drawer full of sock puppets) and to limit your responses to 1 verb, 1 noun, 1 adjective and 1 “other” word per entry. I will try to be fair when filling the puzzle in and use the words in the order in which they are received provided they fit the proper mold. Please indicate what types of words you are giving me in parentheses next to the word.
***UPDATE (8:00 pm CDT, Sat Sept 5, 2009):***
The results post is now up! Enjoy!
Continue reading ‘Mad Lib(eral)s’ »