Crowder talks about the gay marriage controversy and double standards and pants-less leprechauns, you homophobe.
Archive of entries posted on September 2009
I’m On Vacation and Stuff
I forgot if I officially mentioned it, but I’m on vacation and stuff for like the rest of this week and next. I might have some small posts, but if you see any big posts from me that means Cadet Happy broke onto my blog again and is posting as me so don’t trust those posts. I’m warning you now because I’m going to be camping and out of communication so you’ll have to police yourselves. Anyway, I invited Mr. Right of America is an Obamanation to guest blog and then there is still Harvey and Basil who might actually be me posting under another name. In fact, if you don’t look at the authors’ names, you might not even realize I was gone.
Anyway, for something to do while I’m gone, my silly sister did the costume design for a web show for the WB directed by Jason Priestley called The Lake. I don’t know how big of an overlap there is between my audience and people who like teenage dramas, but I’m proud of my little sister as it’s the biggest profile project she’s done so far (other than her uncredited work for the miniature killer dolls on that one season of CSI).
Tailgating and a football game today (go BSU!). Be honorable, ronin.
Frank Advice for Life
Another Brick in the Head
EXCLUSIVE!
Thanks to anonymous sources, we here at IMAO (and America is an Obamanation!) have managed to get hold of a secret communique from Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to members of the teachers’ union regarding the President’s live address to our nation’s school children this coming Tuesday:
Greetings, my fellow educators and indoctrination coordinators!
As I am certain you are well aware by now, a truly exciting day in the annals of history approaches, as our beloved President will address school children all over this quite plain and undistinguished nation on Tuesday, September 8th, to ask their help in moving this backward, bitter land of bible-clinging troglodytes forward into the glorious international collective of tomorrow.
I hope you are all as excited as I am by this new and hopeful day of change we can all believe in!
By now, you should have received your classroom kits and instructions on how to make this a true moment of insight and enlightenment for all of the good little progressives who have been entrusted to your care. Remember, our Dear Leader is counting on the cooperation of each and every one of you to help undo any damage that may have been inflicted on our poor, dear children by their awful, evil-mongering parental units during this excruciatingly long and painful summer. Thankfully, though, we have them back under our control now and with your hard work and commitment to our just and noble cause, I am quite certain that their young heads full of mush can still be molded into what our Great Society most needs — conformist worker drones.
Be certain to engage the students in the Party approved activities before, during and after The Great One’s sure-to-be awe-inspiring speech. It is imperative that we not miss this opportunity to drive home The Messiah’s message to these impressionable young children, so they can begin helping us push our agenda on the American People while we still can.
Unfortunately, some students may not be as cooperative as we might hope. Luckily, there are proven methods of dealing with their misbehavior…
[Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator]
Should that prove ineffective, there is no cause for alarm as we are including several bottles of our newest formula in your classroom kits!
Yours in Faithful “O”bedience,
Arne Duncan
United States Secretary of Education
BREAKING:
The Nose on Your Face has an exclusive copy of the original draft of the Dept. of Education’s classroom activities sheet.
They Call Me, Mr. Right
Greetings and salutations, fellow IMAOans!
As you may or may not know, IMAO’s Great and Benevolent Dictator for Life, Frank J., has decided to take a leave of absence so that he might retreat from the stresses of every day life and pursue his lifelong dream of hunting unsuspecting hippies through the streets of San Francisco with Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin. You can rest assured that I have been informed by IMAO’s lawyers that no actual human beings will be harmed during these pursuits (only hippies), but I do ask all of you to please join me in praying that the Imperial Dark Lord Cheney does not send any stray bullets in Frank’s general direction.
While he is gone, Frank has graciously asked me to contribute a few posts here at IMAO, a truly awesome and most daunting responsibility which I hope I am up to.
As someone who has spent the last five years poking brutal fun at all things Leftist and insane (but I repeat myself), I was particularly dumbfounded by his request, because, quite frankly, I always thought Frank considered himself to be the reincarnation of a Chinese Communist icon. I can now assure you, however – after thorough research into the matter – that the name of the blog is not intended to be read as “I, MAO”. Being a good conservative, one can never be too careful about whom one gets oneself involved with these days.
Anyway, I hope to keep you all entertained and distracted from the horrific continuing destruction of our great republic for the next week. Oh, and since Frank suggested “pimping” my blog(s) while I was here, be sure to check out America is an Obamanation! sometime, where I “preach” the “good news” of our “Lord and Savior” Barack Hussein 0bamachrist as “Rev.” Right (among other noms-de-guerre) along with an occasional contribution from some other rather clever folks. You can also see some of my earlier work at The Right Place, where I really ought to clean out the cobwebs and start posting again every now and then.
I’ll be back again soon! (You have been warned.)
Who can take a rainbow…
A friend of mine passed this my way. I hadn’t seen it before. Now, it may be my age showing, but I remember when “The Candyman” was a new song.
Enjoy…
[Direct YouTube link]
Frank Advice for Life
How a Special Election in Massachusetts Works
One of the hazards of running a radio talk show is that sometimes the staff grabs the wrong audio clip.
On the bright side, sometimes it works better that way:
[audio:http://www.imao.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/fred-thompson-select-kennedy.mp3][Fred Thompson Show 8-27-09 – 13 sec, 214k]
How to Fight the Earth’s Terrorism
Dude, the earth is going to kill us! It’s like a terrorist times a million!
So how can you defend yourself against the earth? I have a few tips:
* Install hardwood floors. This puts a stronger barrier between you and the earth when in the home.
* Don’t wear earth tones. Those are the earth’s gang colors and could cause it to attack you.
* If the earth starts shaking, fire a shotgun into it. This lets it know you means business.
* If you see Al Gore, strangle him before he can spy on you. He’s a traitor who has sided with the earth.
* The earth and the moon seem to be close friends. If all else fails, we can get the earth to play along by threatening to nuke the moon.
* Every day use a Foucault pendulum to check the rotation of the earth. If it’s changed, the earth is up to something.
* If needed, get help from Mercury. Mercury is our friend and he loves all of us except for the Irish.
* Try reporting the earth to the sun. The sun may take action, but it has a lot of bureaucracy to go through so I wouldn’t expect that to happen soon.
Study those tips well. You know what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent the earth from… doing stuff… we don’t like.”
Obama Signals Willingness to Negotiate With Wildfires
WASHINGTON (AP) – In response to reports of deaths and widespread property damage allegedly caused by so-called “wildfires” in California, President Obama said that he wanted to the let the more moderate and peace-loving flames know that “America is willing to negotiate without pre-conditions”.
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“First,” said Obama, “let’s dispense with the reckless, insulting terminology of the previous administration. There is no ‘war on fire‘. There is only a ‘California Contingency Operation‘. While we still seek the defeat of the radical combustionist faction, Al Qindle, we also believe that we can seek common ground with other, less conflagrationist elements on a reasonable degree of self-sustaining oxidation that all sides can agree to.”
During an recent interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed Obama’s call for peace as “the pussified wee-wee-uppings of a limp-wristed man-girl” and defended the Bush administration’s use of “enhanced extinguishing techniques”, saying that “if you pour a little water on these burning bastards, they’ll give it up faster than a drunken cheerleader on prom night.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed Cheney’s criticism as “the senile ramblings of a skin-scalped goblin whose hobbies include shooting his friends in the face for fun”, and insisted that any criticism of the President’s position indicated racial bias.
“These radical right-wing ‘fire-haters’ are disparaging areas of our country where a lot of things are now black. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why they REALLY hate that part of the country.”
Random Thoughts
If we just checked the tire pressure of our hands, we could save countless tonsils.
No joke, though: Wash your hands with soap and water. If water not available, use some other clear liquid like gasoline.
They should do a new version of Outbreak where the crisis is solved by the president instructing everybody to wash their hands. I never saw that movie, though, so maybe it did end that way.
Eventually we’ll have a dictatorship where if you don’t look both ways before crossing the street, Obama’s secret police will disappear you. Also, you could get hit by a car.
The Holocaust and waterboarding KSM are exactly the same since they’re both mean things someone bad did.
Obama so far is the only president brave enough to tell us to wash our hands and take on the pro-flu lobby.
More bad news direct from Google: No one will ever truly love you.
Gmail crashing makes me think we should just go back to being hunters/gatherers. I’ll hunt, you gather; gathering sounds boring.
Fair? Balanced? Does it matter?
I’ve mentioned before — I’m sure I have — that years ago, I used to do news for a small south Georgia radio station. Not that I was any good. But I did give it my best shot. That fact that I’m not doing that for a living today says something about just how good I was. Or wasn’t.
Still, I learned that you try to do the news straight. There’s news. And there’s opinion. Sports has a bit of both. Weather, too, to be honest. But news? Just the facts. Leave opinion out of it. And try to play it straight.
You don’t see that anymore. Not much, anyway.
But is it fair to criticize a news reporter for his story? Or her story? After all, they’re human. They have opinions. But, they shouldn’t let their opinions interfere with their jobs.
Do they? Yes, some do. Actually, a lot do. It’s rare that reporters don’t. At least, on the national level.
But is the criticism fair? If a reporter files a story on a topic about which you have strong feelings, are you going to say the reporter is playing it straight if the reports seems to support your opinion? Or will you say the reporter is biased if the story contradicts your opinion?
Is the bias in the eye of the beholder?
I believe that sometimes it is. But, I also believe that often, the reporter isn’t reporting, but editorializing.
Let’s conduct a little experiment, shall we?
Look at my recent post on a DNC-sponsored rally in Columbus, Georgia. [EDIT: Yes, it was uploaded as “private.” My bad. It’s public now.] The rally was organized by a DNC-sponsored group that calls itself a grassroots organization. Yeah, I wrote my opinion of that earlier.
But, take three minutes and look at my report.
Ignore the poor quality of the video and the audio. I have an old, hand-held JVC camcorder, not some fancy camera like the local TV stations have. And, I have that south Georgia accent. Plus, built-in microphone on an overtaxed MacBook.
The quality of the audio and video aside, look at the content. Did I report it straight? Heck, compare it against a report I did on a July 4th Tea Party rally. Did I favor one side or the other?
If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you may have picked up how I personally feel. But, looking just at the reports, did I report it fairly? Was it balanced?
If I didn’t report it straight, then it shows just how hard it is to keep personal bias out. Keep that in mind when you watch a real reporter. (Here’s an example of what I see as a fairly balanced report from an actual reporter.)
But… if I did report it straight, that brings up the question: why can’t others do it, if some old, fat, gray-haired loudmouth white guy (me, not Ted Kennedy) can?
Then again, does it matter? At least, does it matter whether or not I report something fair and balanced? I mean, I’m a blogger. And if you read this blog for news, then something is seriously wrong with you. Or something is seriously wrong with the state of traditional news reporting. One or the other.
Frank Advice for Life
Lesser Known Effects of Global Warming
As you’ve probably heard, scientists have concluded that global warming is making polar bears smaller. I know what you’re thinking — “Now I’ll finally be able to slap around those stupid polar bears!” — but you have to realize that these changes in the norm adversely affect everything. Here are some things to watch out for:
LESSER KNOWN EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING
* Larger squirrels.
* Tighter face for Nancy Pelosi.
* Gradual increase in length for the American Idol results show.
* Gradual disappearance of orange M&Ms.
* Faster snails.
* Increase in delusions that Obama is smart.
* Bolder barbecue sauces.
* Increase in appearance of sleeves on blankets.
* Whinier hippies.
* Decrease in Mr. T’s pity.
* Increased obscurity in Dennis Miller jokes.
* Bird songs less in tune.
* Phatter beats.
* Less frequent updates on humor blogs.
* More tweeting.
lolterizt! Part 89
This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From silaS marreD (via FailBlog):
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Barb:
From Greg:
[reference link (NSFW)]
From Wendy:
From me (Harvey):
[reference link]
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.