I wasn’t invited to the jobs summit even thought I have lots of awesome ideas on everything — I guess Obama wants America to fail. Anyway, here are my ideas for how to create more jobs.
FRANK IDEAS TO CREATE MORE JOBS
* Maybe play some Barry White to see if we can get jobs to mate and produce more jobs.
* Have a job bite a hobby until it becomes infected and turns into a job itself.
* Have we tried throwing water on jobs to see if that causes them to reproduce?
* Try to forcefully stimulate job mitosis.
* Invite Jesus to a jobs summit. Tell him everyone there really needs a job and hand him the five jobs we have and then step back and let Jesus do his thing.
* Cut the top off a job and plant it in the ground.
* Tax cuts.
Man, that’s all I could come up with. Making jobs is hard. I wish I were smart like Paul Krugman. Or at least had a beard like him.
The important thing to remember in this crisis, though, is that no one take my job.
We could have a program to feed jobs after midnight. I’ just saying.
Capture all of the jobs and torture them until they tell us what we need to know. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll torture them again. And if that doesn’t work, Cheney will shoot them with a shotgun.
I put mine in a dark room until they turn red. For Christmas sakes.
Obama’s checkin’ his list, checkin’ it twice,
Gonna find which blogs are naughty or nice,
Obama’s jobs are coming… to town!!
Thank the quantum-loving God it’s Friday.
*rip open the space time thingy and go steal jobs from alternate realities.
*start a jobs mill and breed them.
*steal jobs from other countries.
The important thing to remember in this crisis, though, is that no one take my job.
Rats. You have extinguished my one hope for a merry christmas this year.
Take the AP’s lead and fund 11 fact checkers for every conservative book
Provide block grants to help remove the record breaking snowfall expected this winter
Outlaw home do-it-your selfers
Mandate that every US town with a population over 1,000 must have a Sky Hook
Everyone knows the best jobs come from stem cells harvested from dead babies but GEORGE BUSH made them illegal!
Jump into the Hadron and visit Higgs boson. Demand that he produce jobs or we shall stop spending gazillions of bucks trying to find him…
Jump into the Hadron and visit another alternative Universe. Make fun of all the sucker employers paying their employees too much money and outsource the jobs to this Universe!
Blackmail Tiger Woods for a couple of billion dollars and build a golf course staffed entirely with hookers and “hostesses”…
Nuke China and then Super Nuke them claiming the whole time it was the Jooooooooooos! We can then open sweat-shops and produce crap!
We could put lots of people to work drilling for oil.
You’re all a bunch of CREATIONISTS!!!11!!1!
How about if we fire a bunch of Senators and Congressmen in 2010 and 2012 and hire a bunch of new ones?
Just have the reality-based media do what they’re best at? Ignore reality and make stuff up. Mathews, Obertard, Cutie Katie, and the rest of the talking heads just need to start telling everyone that the unemployment rate is not .002%
“All your unemployment is belong to us. We no longer have unemployment. I working. You working. Everyone work. See, no out of work. Just Boosh lies!”
If a job disappears in the forest and no one is around to report it…did it really go away?
…unemployment rate is not above .002%
Sorry. Typo.
I was flipping back and forth from CNN and MSNBC last night, “playing a game i like to call see if I can tell the difference.” I accidentally hit the fox-news channel apparently my pornography/offensive blocker didn’t catch it ill have to call comcast. Anyway global warming may not be real and there is some sort of jobs being lost? Have any of you heard about this? I work for the fed in DC and everyone I work with has a job and their kids are getting jobs since we have been hiring even more now then when Bush doubled our budget and then Obama doubled that. Anyway so we were all sitting around watching you-tube like usual complaining about our 100k $ salaries not being a living wage plus the huge chunk the union takes. When I mentioned something about a recession and no one else had heard of it either. Don’t know what all of you rednecks are “uppity” about. Is the KKK not hiring anymore? Does racism and homophobia not have dental? Anyway my life partner is here and we are going out to this 500$ a plate meal for our department something about moral during hard times. I would have rather kept that money and spent it on a trip to disney-land i love wearing ass-less chaps and performing gay oral sex in front of 10 yr olds and then freaking out on all the puritans that try and trample my rights.
I’ck i feel all dirty trying channel the mind of a liberal even for a minute like that.
Bailout’s job plan.
* Hire people to help get michael moore into his pants.
* Hire people to advis the first sasquatch on fashion. (should create hundreds of jobs)
* jobs tsar
* Dog tsar
*Tsar tsar
*Tsar tsar tsar
* Laying down Que card hold for when present hussein bows and can’t see teleprompter.
* Teleprompter cleaner
* hussein cleaner
* Psychiatrist for hussein supporters
“Tax cuts.”
Tax cuts? They don’t work. We have definitive proof that they don’t work: Barbara Boxer, one of my US Senators, says so, and so does Harry Reid! Paul Krugman probably says so, as well, and I used to have a beard like him, so he’s probably right.
* Obama speech set designers
* Obama speech set designer assistants
* Obama speech military audience look-alike stand-ins
* Obama speech neighborhood support community organizers
* Obama speech neighborhood announcement doorbellers
* Obama speech reviewers and reciters
* Obama speech public reaction pollsters
* Obama speech public reaction pollsters’ assistants with money bags
*build a jobs collider and try and find the elusive job’s creation particle, or maybe make a blackhole.
*grow jobs in a test tube.
The Bee-Watcher Watcher watched the Bee-Watcher.
He didn’t watch well. So another Hawtch-Hawtcher
had to come in as a Watch-Watcher-Watcher.
And today all the Hawtchers who live in Hawtch-Hawtch
are watching on Watch-Watcher-Watchering-Watch,
Watch-Watching the Watcher who’s watching that bee.
THEODORE GEISSEL
Dr. Socalist
Required reading for Job Czar
* Steal jobs from all the illegal aliens in the US. That’s anywhere from 11 to 20 million jobs right there.
Create a jobs fusion reactor that could spew out jobs enlessly using just one small job as a fuel source to make the fusiony thingy ….fuse
Infuse rabbits with jobs and let nature take its course. Soon there will be more jobs than we know what to do with. We could then create a jobs reserve for the leaner times.
we could put two existing jobs in a jar, and shake it, and then see if they fight!
Okay, so it wouldn’t create a job, but it would create some entertainment, right? Especially if the jobs were “angry grizzly bear” and “congressman”.
Jesus needed more than the five loaves. He also had two fish.
So, maybe hand him 5 jobs and 2 tax cuts.
Give every homeless person in America a blender.
If you mate two jobs, you have to make sure they’re one male job and one female job. But we’ve been losing male jobs at a faster rate, so you may have to move the male jobs around to visit all the female jobs.
The only problem I can see with this job mating plan is that successful matings produce child jobs. And those are illegal as far as I know. Any jobs we get through this job breeding program won’t be able to be had for at least 16 years.
I wish I could get a female job to visit me, Wacky Hermit.
Hey, that’s a job right there! Don’t all you women line up at once, now. Or not.
Send Jimmy (me!) some female jobs.
Bwahahahaha.
(No one else is laughing.)
What’s with all this talk about job creation? Haven’t you people heard? The stimulus plan is working, jobs are being created at a faster rate than at any time in history by Obama. The problem isn”t that there aren’t enough jobs, it’s that stupid, racist, divisive, neophytes just won’t accept the jobs that are being created.
Have we tried wishing upon the first star we see tonight?
“The important thing to remember in this crisis, though, is that no one take my job.”
Dang! And I was thinking I need a new shirt. My plan is to Draft everyone over the age of 17 with out a job. Evil despots aren’t going to kill themselvs. Democrats should get onboard with this. The military is the perfect socialist society.
-You don’t have housing? The military will provide housing for you.
-Every service member and their dependants are covered by health care.
-You don’t have a job? A highly motivated NCO WILL find you a job.
-You don’t have a skill set? The military will train you for almost any job you want. “You want to be an astronant? Guess what. We have that.”
-You want to travel? Guess what We have Military service members in every country on the planet except for 3. (2 of them might be sooner than later.
-Every servicemember has access to a retirement plan.
Remind me why the democrats don’t like the military? Oh yeah! It’s because they actually do something.
When a job isn’t looking, slip a Viagra in its drink. It won’t lead to more jobs in the long term, but it will lead to short-term job growth. And that’s all we’re after here, isn’t it?