The Pentagon revealed that they often get e-mailed plans like parachuting bears into the Middle East the hunt down Osama bin Laden. So yeah, I e-mail the Pentagon my ideas in my spare time. Here are some other plans I’ve come up with:
CREATIVE WAR PLANS
* Send terrorists boxes labeled “guns” and “bomb making supplies.” What’s actually inside? All our nation’s squirrels!
* Create giant robots that eat people.
* Make our own flying saucer and land it in the Middle East so terrorists think they’re being visited by aliens. When the “aliens” come out of the UFO, the terrorists will rush to greet them and find out too late that they’re actually angry rottweilers in robes.
* Make a satellite that can throw rocks at people from space. Then terrorists will get hit in head with rocks and be like, “Where the hell did that come from?!” They’ll be totally freaked out!
* To hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden, send the Land Shark.
* Send the terrorists shipments of free sunglasses. Unbeknown to them, the sunglasses have no actual UV protection.
* Build next to the Pentagon a decoy Hexagon. You’ll have to carefully count the sides to make sure which one is the right one.
* Create a virus that turns people to zombies and release it in a terrorists stronghold. Just make sure it stays isolated to there as that’s where the trouble starts.
* Distribute free candy to children. The terrorists, being evil, will then steal the candy from the children. But the joke is on them because the candy is poison!
* Replace Osama with Obama to make all the terrorists plans ineffective.
What are your creative ideas you’ve sent the Pentagon?
Encourage the passage of card-check legislation where terrorists operate. Then parachute in some SEIU organizers to get things started. When the terrorist groups are unionized, the terrorists (knowing that they cannot be fired) will become lazy and unmotivated. Plus, the purple SEIU shirts will make them easy to spot in the desert, thereby making them easier to kill. As an added bonus, increasing wages and benefits for the individual terrorists will cause the terrorist groups to go bankrupt in a couple years (hopefully to be replaced by non-unionized Walmarts).
* Get Frnak J. to write their company emails. They’ll be stricken with typos for years!
* Angry mother bears! With miniguns! The cubs will have LAWs!
* Continue secret funding of the Gaybomb.
* Spray enemy troops with bee pheromones, leave bee hives behind in general area!
* Snakes!
Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!
(It worked before.)
* Saturate the countryside with inflatable goats.
* Swap Obama with Osama and then torture Osama with Biden’s non-stop, verbal drivel (a fate worse than death).
Fly in zombie Ted Kennedys to drive them around. Focus on waterways and bridges.
Mail them the islamic version of Playboy. You know, Playgoat. They open it to the centerfold and eek !! it’s Helen Thomas, Hillary Clinton, or Nancy Pelosi. They can;t terrorize if they are blind.
Spray thmn with cheeseburger scent and release Micahel Moore in the Mideast.
More rocket mounter dinos. Lot’s more.
Give them my typing skills. They’ll never make sense of their memos.
The B-52 Stratofortress, with its long loiter time and high payload, is perfect for delivery of multiple cruise missiles against strategic enemy targets. These cruise missiles will contain bats! Horrible, blood-sucking Common Vampire Bats!
Creative War Plans: 1)Nuke ’em from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
2) Kill all the Bastards not wearing U.S. Military Uniforms, then come home.
3) All Female PMS Death Squads
4) Use more Napalm. You may not win, but it’ll smell like victory.
5) Bring back the Neutron Bomb.
6) “All your petroleum belongs to us.”
7) Stop sending U.S. Military to Haiti, unless it’s to perform Plan #2
8) Strap torpedo launchers to trained Killer Whales. Recruit that Orca from SeaWorld Orlando, he’s a natural-born killer(whale).
9) Promote Gays in the ENEMY’s Military.
10) Use Code Pink as human shields.
ManBearPig FTW
Two words: demon sheep
Enact a campaign on health care reform.
Or we could send Obama over their to campaign for them.
Parachute drop the U.S. Congress on them. They should go broke and/or kill each other off within six months.
Simple solution. Send each terrorist a connect-the-dots picture of Mohammed. Every time one of them finishes connecting the dots and creates an illustration of Mohammed, he’ll immediately be stoned to death by the other Muslims around him.
Make them watch Matt Damon films!
*send the Land Shark with frickin’ lasers. Don’t forget the frickin’ lasers.
*Dick Cheney death squads would be nice. As added bonus: Will cause Olbermann’s head to explode.
Put them on the Unabomber’s mailing list.
What? Too old?
Damn kids, get off my lawn!
Offer to buy all the Opium they can produce forever, turning them from angry militants to prosperous capitalists overnight.
Then ship opium to China. (it worked before).
Or distribute opium free to the worthless third of US population who always vote Democrat so they’ll get the h*ll out of our way.
It’d still be cheaper than Obamacare.
Pingback: Out and About in Nevada « NoonanForNevada
Bat bombs. “nuff said
A friend of mine once actually started a website to collect creative war plans. One of my ideas was to create internet rumors that certain terrorist leaders were actually Israeli or CIA informants. Then it hit me, what if people actually were informants — it could get them killed. So maybe that is a bad freelance idea, but a good idea for the government.