Is Obama a hard-drinking, chain-smoking president? Some people thought that after seeing the advice on his medical exam, but most of that was just boilerplate. Here’s some of the other advice he got, which is also all pretty much standard:

* “There is a point at which the amount of arugula you consume is unhealthy.”

* “Make sure to carefully clean any wound from Joe Biden biting you. And he will bite you.”

* “If every time you go to the park, a duck knocks you down and pecks you in the face, maybe you shouldn’t go to the park.”

* “If you need to lose weight, the solution isn’t to eat more. I know that’s how your brain works, so I thought I’d tell you.”

* “You say you got these bruises from ‘walking into a window,’ but I want you to know you can be open with me if your spouse is abusing you… oh, wait, it’s on video, and you did walk into a window after mistaking it for a door. What kind of moron are you?”

* “I’m going to recommend you find a safer means of transportation around D.C. than a zip line.”

* “You wouldn’t get so many nose bleeds if you kept your finger out of there.”

* “Though I know you need to spend a lot of time with Congressional Democrats, try really hard never to touch any of them.”

* “It’s not really a health issue, but you shouldn’t need a teleprompter for a doctor’s visit.”

* “Stop checking every bucket to see whether your head can fit inside it.”

* “Two black eyes means to me you’re just not meant to wield nunchucks.”

* “A healthy man’s ears shouldn’t be that big.”

* “When people mentioned jobs and war, you thought ‘health care.’ This could be some sort of associative disorder and should be monitored.”

* “I’d like to run some tests to check for a mental handicap… it’s completely routine. If you’re good, you’ll get a lollipop!”

My new Pajamas Media column is up on the difference between how liberals and conservatives look at freedom. It’s not really a funny one; in fact, if you laugh at it, I’ll probably cry.