Is Obama a hard-drinking, chain-smoking president? Some people thought that after seeing the advice on his medical exam, but most of that was just boilerplate. Here’s some of the other advice he got, which is also all pretty much standard:
* “There is a point at which the amount of arugula you consume is unhealthy.”
* “Make sure to carefully clean any wound from Joe Biden biting you. And he will bite you.”
* “If every time you go to the park, a duck knocks you down and pecks you in the face, maybe you shouldn’t go to the park.”
* “If you need to lose weight, the solution isn’t to eat more. I know that’s how your brain works, so I thought I’d tell you.”
* “You say you got these bruises from ‘walking into a window,’ but I want you to know you can be open with me if your spouse is abusing you… oh, wait, it’s on video, and you did walk into a window after mistaking it for a door. What kind of moron are you?”
* “I’m going to recommend you find a safer means of transportation around D.C. than a zip line.”
* “You wouldn’t get so many nose bleeds if you kept your finger out of there.”
* “Though I know you need to spend a lot of time with Congressional Democrats, try really hard never to touch any of them.”
* “It’s not really a health issue, but you shouldn’t need a teleprompter for a doctor’s visit.”
* “Stop checking every bucket to see whether your head can fit inside it.”
* “Two black eyes means to me you’re just not meant to wield nunchucks.”
* “A healthy man’s ears shouldn’t be that big.”
* “When people mentioned jobs and war, you thought ‘health care.’ This could be some sort of associative disorder and should be monitored.”
* “I’d like to run some tests to check for a mental handicap… it’s completely routine. If you’re good, you’ll get a lollipop!”
“Two black eyes means to me you’re just not meant to wield nunchucks.”
I thought that was because he’s a black man. Well, half black, anyway…
You have six months to live. You want another opinion? OK. You’re an idiot.
Just because you CAN eat a whole bag of Cheetos at one setting doesn’t mean you SHOULD!
I’m sorry Mr. President, you’ve failed the hearing test.
Stop sticking things up your nose…especially your finger.
[How did I forget to reference that? Almost feels like malpractice. -Ed.]
No, I don’t issue prescriptions for medial marijuana.
hey, do any of you guys remember when all the lefty’s were running around saying that the office of the president is stressful and that bush was going to fall off the wagon? well there you go.
No. I’m sorry, President, I won’t do that job. Damn it, I’m a doctor, not a press secretary!
It’s dead, Barry. No, not ObamaCare. I meant your lung. You really should stop taking free donations from Big Tobacco.
“You’re either eating too much ice cream, or not enough. The only way we can tell is by checking the size of your wife’s butt. (Checks Michelle’s butt.) Ah, call Houston. You’ve got a problem.”
Sometimes crap just isn’t funny, Well “Crap-Crap” is always funny especially if its in diarrhea form or just discolored from eating Oreo’s.
My biggest fear from Liberals though is their affinity for Trannys. Wait I mean Tyranny. 😉 well both really.
“No, you’re not actually active duty military, so it’s OK to discuss your sexual preference.”
“I urge you to have your cranial-rectal hyperextention treated immediately”
No, your prostate cannot just vote “present.”
Those are alcohol swabs Mr. President, not throat lozenges.
I know you wanted to compare livers with Bush’s but he needs it back now!
“I said TAKE a vacation, not toke a vacation.”
“Vaseline can help slide that bucket off.”
Why did you keep saying “I’ve got new ideas for the Amercian Taxpayer ” during your colonoscopy?”
“Your lung cancer is not from eating too much arugula,”
“Just…try not breathing the same air when standing next to Barney Frank.”
“Hey! Do that again! Make them wiggle!”
“Hmm, it’s a 2010 Chevy pickup alright. How it got in there is anybodys’ guess.”
*It’s ok, there was already a lobatomy done*
*You really should wear ear protection.
*That is a condom, not a toy.
*The ringworm will go away with treatment, but you have to quit playing with Klingons.
Remember, gum lying on the ground or stuck to the underside of tables/chairs is not to be placed in your mouth
And no, you should not let Rahm touch you in your naughty spot.
No, Barry, you are not a master of the bo staff, and you were never recruited by ninjas. Now listen to your doctor and put this Kentucky jelly on your toast.
I say, Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?” ”
Now let me get this straight “,
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you called your doctor, woke him up,
And say, ‘Doctor, ain’t there nothing I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, Doctor, doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take,
I say, Doctor, dooooctor, to relieve this belly ache?’
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together,
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better,
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up,
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning
“Doc, my neighbor’s been drinking something called ‘Magic Youth Potion’ and he looks better every day.”
“He’s being swindled, you fool. How much has he spent on that crap?”
“Quite a bit. He’s been drinking it for a hundred twelve years.”
Any press secretary that says “umm” or “uh” 23 times in less than a minute should have to undergo daily proctological exams until his speech impediment clears. It’s F***ing irritating and distracting. Like, when my daughters say, like “like”, every like, other like, word.
The loser can’t even stop smoking and he wants to screw up my health care ?
Mr. Obama, I think you’ve been having too many of your “beer summits”, perhaps you should switch to something healthier like tea…oh, I’m sorry, don’t cry, I forgot that was a sore spot with you.