So Green Zone, a $130 million movie about how the Iraq war is wrong and a plot by neocons, was a box office flop this past weekend. Who could have predicted that? You’d think the American people would feel they haven’t heard enough arguments against the Iraq war and would be clamoring to pay $10 and hear from Hollywood actors and directors on the subject.

Really, when are actors and such going to figure out they’re the last people we want to hear from on any subject beyond where to score good blow? Just dance for us, monkeys!

Obama is in his final push (final for real this time; we swear!) for his health care bill. Which raises a good question: How much do we laugh at him if he fails?

I say we put aside a whole week to mock what a failure he is, going to any public even he’s at to point and laugh at him. He’ll eventually yell, “You guys are mean!” and run away crying to the White House and hide in there and refuse to come out. That will be a nice break for all involved.

Sounds a little cruel, but that’s how you play politics. How much do you plan to laugh at him?

The Pentagon revealed that they often get e-mailed plans like parachuting bears into the Middle East the hunt down Osama bin Laden. So yeah, I e-mail the Pentagon my ideas in my spare time. Here are some other plans I’ve come up with:

CREATIVE WAR PLANS

* Send terrorists boxes labeled “guns” and “bomb making supplies.” What’s actually inside? All our nation’s squirrels!

* Create giant robots that eat people.

* Make our own flying saucer and land it in the Middle East so terrorists think they’re being visited by aliens. When the “aliens” come out of the UFO, the terrorists will rush to greet them and find out too late that they’re actually angry rottweilers in robes.

* Make a satellite that can throw rocks at people from space. Then terrorists will get hit in head with rocks and be like, “Where the hell did that come from?!” They’ll be totally freaked out!

* To hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden, send the Land Shark.

* Send the terrorists shipments of free sunglasses. Unbeknown to them, the sunglasses have no actual UV protection.

* Build next to the Pentagon a decoy Hexagon. You’ll have to carefully count the sides to make sure which one is the right one.

* Create a virus that turns people to zombies and release it in a terrorists stronghold. Just make sure it stays isolated to there as that’s where the trouble starts.

* Distribute free candy to children. The terrorists, being evil, will then steal the candy from the children. But the joke is on them because the candy is poison!

* Replace Osama with Obama to make all the terrorists plans ineffective.

What are your creative ideas you’ve sent the Pentagon?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, the day we celebrate how we chased all the drunken, subhuman Irish out of America by throwing potatoes at them. No one knows what happened to them, but rumors say the Irish hide in burrows underground and sneak in our houses through our basements or crawl spaces to raid our liquor cabinets. That’s why we celebrate today by trying to drink all our liquor before the Irish get to it.