I’m pretty sure I’ve made this point before, but with another great expansion of government on the horizon, I should make it again.

The federal government is Godzilla. That’s the easiest way to look at it. It’s this giant, lumbering beast that is marginally under our command. So what do you do with such a thing? Well, if you need to destroy Tokyo (which is something we tasked our government with in the 40s), then it’s well suited for such a task. Godzilla is great at smashing things and can easily unleash havoc.

But let’s say we don’t need to smash something at the moment. Let’s say instead we want it to feed the poor. Well, I guess Godzilla could carry a bunch of food and try to hand it out to the little ants in front of it, but it’s likely to crush a bunch of people and smash a few buildings in the process. It’s so big, it might not even notice that and think it’s doing a great job. And the bigger we make Godzilla, the less it’ll hear our pleas and the more likely it is to unwittingly crush and destroy things while trying to be helpful.

And if Godzilla is in the middle of trying to help us and we accidentally make it mad…

So the solution is to task Godzilla with tasks away from domestic life where it can’t accidentally harm us, and try not to let Godzilla get too big so it is less likely to unwittingly crush us and is easier to control. Otherwise, we might lose all control of Godzilla, and then what’s the solution? That’s right: Mothra. And the problem is, if metaphorically Godzilla is the federal government, I have no idea what Mothra is supposed to be. But Mothra is a big, scary bug so it can’t be pleasant.

Can we repeal Obamacare? I dunno. Sounds hard. Then again, it doesn’t go into full effect until 2013, so maybe we can get a new Republican in to squash it just before it goes into full effect. If we could do that, it would be even more awesome than blocking it in the first place.

Look at it this way. Let’s say there’s a little kid who’s wanted a cool robot toy for months. He’s obsessed with nothing but getting that awesome new toy. Then comes Christmas, and he opens his presents, and there it is! The toy he’s always wanted! He’s overjoyed! He can barely contain himself. He gets the toy out of its box and spends a while just looking at it and admiring it. Then he finally reaches over to play with it and…

I smash it to pieces with a bat right in front of him. “Ha! You’ll never get that toy, you stupid little kid!” I laugh. And he cries and cries, and I mock and laugh and film him for YouTube so everyone can see how pathetic and stupid he is.

That’s what repealing Obamacare would be like. Pretty awesome, huh?

If you’re looking for a pep talk in light of Bloody Sunday, here are some good words from the Whitler. Also, here’s some positive thinking from Sarah Palin.

There’s no use in conservatives getting too down in any political defeat, because we’ll always still be our awesome selves, and liberals will still be losers who smell weird. If we want to succeed, we have to have a positive attitude and never freak out too much because things didn’t go our way. It’s exactly the same as when you try to put a saddle on a grizzly bear and ride it like a horse; if you lose your confidence or panic, disaster could strike.

We’re conservatives; we have useful things to do. We don’t have time for lots of useless yelling and freaking out. We know what we need to do and we do it, and afterward everyone is like, “Holy crap! He’s riding a grizzly bear!”