Now that Frank J is a new dad — which might imply he was an old dad, but I’m not suggesting that — he might appreciate some tips.

Having once been a new dad myself, I remember how much I appreciated people offering my all kinds of advice on how to do this or that and what all I was doing wrong and how could any child expect to survive when subjected to someone with as little parenting skills as I …

Ah, yes, I really appreciated all that. And those dads reading this can relate.

Well, Frank J’s a new dad now, and he’s gonna get all the help he can. Whether he likes it or not.

Allow me to start with some things I learned along the way, that might actually be useful if he was raising my children. No one told me these. I learned these by experience:

• When the baby cries, she’s asking for Mama.
• If the baby appears to smile, and is looking at you, she’s smiling.
• If the baby appears to smile, but is looking at some of your wife’s family, it’s just gas.
• If the baby spits up, she’s wanting Mama.
• People will pay more attention to the baby than to you. That’s because people are inherently evil.
• There will be other people around the hospital with babies. They had babies born around the same time as you. They’re just trying to steal your thunder.
• Your wife will be tired. Pretend to care.
• The hospital will have cable, which means you will be able to see the playoff games.
• If the baby starts crying with the bases loaded, suggest to your wife that she show the baby around one of the other floors. Tell her she’s being selfish is she doesn’t.
• If the baby makes any sound, she’s simply trying to say “Daddy.” Don’t correct her. There will be plenty of time for that later.
• If you smell some really horrible smell emanating from the diaper area, everything’s fine; she’s merely asking for Mama to hold her.

These are just some of the things I learned when I became a new dad, and I pass them along for what they’re worth.

Perhaps others have some tips they’d like to share?