Now that Frank J is a new dad — which might imply he was an old dad, but I’m not suggesting that — he might appreciate some tips.
Having once been a new dad myself, I remember how much I appreciated people offering my all kinds of advice on how to do this or that and what all I was doing wrong and how could any child expect to survive when subjected to someone with as little parenting skills as I …
Ah, yes, I really appreciated all that. And those dads reading this can relate.
Well, Frank J’s a new dad now, and he’s gonna get all the help he can. Whether he likes it or not.
Allow me to start with some things I learned along the way, that might actually be useful if he was raising my children. No one told me these. I learned these by experience:
- When the baby cries, she’s asking for Mama.
- If the baby appears to smile, and is looking at you, she’s smiling.
- If the baby appears to smile, but is looking at some of your wife’s family, it’s just gas.
- If the baby spits up, she’s wanting Mama.
- People will pay more attention to the baby than to you. That’s because people are inherently evil.
- There will be other people around the hospital with babies. They had babies born around the same time as you. They’re just trying to steal your thunder.
- Your wife will be tired. Pretend to care.
- The hospital will have cable, which means you will be able to see the playoff games.
- If the baby starts crying with the bases loaded, suggest to your wife that she show the baby around one of the other floors. Tell her she’s being selfish is she doesn’t.
- If the baby makes any sound, she’s simply trying to say “Daddy.” Don’t correct her. There will be plenty of time for that later.
- If you smell some really horrible smell emanating from the diaper area, everything’s fine; she’s merely asking for Mama to hold her.
These are just some of the things I learned when I became a new dad, and I pass them along for what they’re worth.
Perhaps others have some tips they’d like to share?
Babies are not footballs.
Babies cannot get you out of jury duty, so don’t have any if that is your only goal.
Hucking used diapers into the neighbor’s yard is considered bad new dad etiquette.
Babies cannot be trained to clean air condition/heater ducts. (By the time they can be trained, they are way too big.)
Babies turn into teenagers. You might as well come to terms with it now.
Always place a coaster under babies.
Do not stare directly at babies. That is how they establish mind control links.
Get to bed a little earlier than you used to so you can make up for the sleep you’ll lose because your wife keeps getting in and out of bed all night long.
The “up to 10 lbs” on the diaper pack refers to the weight of the baby, not the waste products.
Encouraging your baby to talk only hastens the day they start to talk back.
Once Buttercup does learn to speak REMEMBER that you are now living with a witness for the prosecution, she can repeat anything you say and will as soon as the embarrassment potential is maximized.
Take every opportunity to watch your child as they sleep, memories of how angelic they look sleeping are sometimes the only thing that keeps you from strangling them when they are awake.
Always remember that you are now third in SarahK’s affections, or possibly fourth, depending on how well she likes the dog.
Don’t be fooled by being called “Dad”. That is merely a term women use to make you feel better about having to hump the 150 lbs worth of “stuff” required just to get the munchkin out the door. Caution: You will do this a lot!
Objects may appear closer in the mirror… And mere words cannot convey our happiness for you all.
Buttercup in a blanket is the new standard for cutest baby ever and while holding her, the universe revolves around you too. Occasionally let someone else hold her.
Changing diapers is woman’s work…let Sarah handle that! It’s all stinky and gooey and icky!
Getting up at night to feed the baby is woman’s work…hey, God didn’t give you a rack did he so relax and sleep sound ma boy!
Playing with baby is fun until all the screamin and such starts. That means it’s time for mommy to take over! You have a job and need peace and quite in your life!
You’re her father, not her buddy.
If a toy creates discord, it loses.
Not only are you third in line (ala Sgt Relic), but they will team up against you.
(Working overseas in remote areas takes planning; you do not want to see a year’s worth of diapers all in one place at one time.)
Who ever puts food in the top end is responsible for what comes out the bottom end, this is why someone else should always feed the child.
If you bounce little Buttercup up and down for about thirty seconds, she wants Mama. Gratify her desire before she starts vomiting, which will be in a minute or so.
Lock her in a tower (away from boys) until she’s 25…or until her hair grows long enough for some half-wit douche who’s not good enough to climb up and steal her away from you.
Here is a simplified guide to parenting, through hilarious illustrations.
My real advice, though, is threefold. One, spend time caring for your baby. Time spent playing with baby while handing her back to Mom to do all the grunt work like changing diapers is NOT time spent caring for her. Do the whole nine yards– well, all but the breastfeeding anyway. You can’t get to know the difference between a hungry cry and a tired cry and a poopy cry unless you spend time learning it. And learning it while the baby only does three things (eat, sleep, and poop) is much easier, because later you’ll add the teething cry and the bored cry and many other cries. With experience you can tell what’s happening just by the way everyone’s crying.
Two, your wife is adjusting emotionally to a huge change, just like you only also having to deal with hormonal changes as well. Cut her some slack. If she’s not meeting your emotional needs for things like companionship or validation, QUIETLY get your needs met some other way (like blogging or visiting with friends) until she adjusts. Do not rub her face in the fact that you’re having some “guy time” or online time to get your daily dose of validation. If you insist that she continue meeting your needs like before the baby, or if you rub her face in the fact that you’re meeting them elsewhere for the moment, you will make things much, much worse for both of you.
Three, don’t take anyone’s parenting advice, including mine. And especially don’t read parenting magazines. They will make you feel inadequate for not having the latest in gadgets or wrapping your kid in only 6 layers of bubble wrap while 8 layers are now recommended by the government. Go with your gut, and if you must take advice, take it from someone you trust who has actually succeeded in raising good kids (i.e., not me).
Finally, tell SarahK she can email me anytime for breastfeeding help. That, at least, is a part of parenting I haven’t totally screwed up.
Wait at least one week before firearms training. And as cute as buttercup is, she’s gonna need it.
Use a diaper genie. Really. Used diapers should not under any excuse be hidden under the couch. You don’t want to know the story.
Enjoy the time. You will be marrying her off tomorrow morning, or so it feels.
Buy these things:
1. A basement or a tower, your call..she IS a princess so a tower is probably more appropriate.
B. A pit bull.
3. A chastity belt
There were boys born this week too.
Remember the three ‘D’s of parenting: Deception, Distraction and Deals.
CONGRATS – what a beautiful baby!
When the baby cries, it’s not proper etiquette to cry back.
If her poop is green, buy a new set of crayons. Kids need the green one to color grass.
Pull the couch away from the wall a bit. When she crawls behind it from one end, you crawl behind it from the other end going “Bwaaahahahahahahaaaaaaa!” (Always good for a bonding laugh.)
Practice your best Edward G. Robinson on her. It’s okay, she won’t ridicule you.
Lift her up and let her look closely at objects around the house she otherwise would never get a close look at. Things like an overhead light, a glass cabinet full of knick-knacks, etc. (They enjoy this. I know I would.)
Let them play with your face. You can always buy new eyeballs.
How about a new site banner with Buttercup sitting on the moon?
* Babies will instinctively grab anything you place into their palm. While it is tempting to test this out immediately, the child really needs to be two or three years old before they think Daddy’s “Here, pull my finger” trick is funny.
* When you let one loose at the dinner table, SarahK will give disapproving looks but Princess Buttercup will be amuzed if you point out that an elephant just ran out from under Daddy’s chair.
* Part of your role in the household is to set a bad example. That is how little girls grow up with an appropriately deep suspicion of men. Do your duty and enjoy it.
Genghis @ 14
Remember the three ‘D’s of parenting: Deception, Distraction and
DealsDuct tape.FIFY
#11 Wacky Hermit already said it all. Especially the part about not reading parenting magazines!
12storm1911 has already mentioned it…. the diaper genie
after firearms, beer, and hockey… it’s possibly one of the greatest inventions ever
so forget any blabbering you may have heard from some environmental kooks about using cloth diapers from some namby pamby “diaper service” …for the simplicity & peace of mind you get from using disposables and a diaper genie, it’s well worth the tax $$$ you pay for the solid waste disposal services for your community to buy that little bit of space in the landfill for Princess Buttercup’s diapers.
oh yeah …Luv’s diapers are THE BEST!!
I did think of something else…. bless this child every night. No kidding, even now, while she’s tiny, place your hand on her forehead (gently, we aren’t playing Alien here) and ask God’s blessing on her. Start now and it will become an important moment in each day, demonstrating your love for her and your trust in the Almighty in a way she can see and feel.
Good serious advice from Wacky Hermit. I’ll add a little more.
If people offer to watch the baby and let you rest (and you trust them), LET THEM. The offers won’t last very long, and it’s the constancy of infant care that’s difficult to adjust to right at first. You’re mommy and daddy now, and that means you’re always on for at least the next five to six years.
For at least the next month, all of your conversations will begin with the question, “how’s the baby?” The next question will be, “how is mommy doing?” On rare occasions, question #3 might be, “oh, and how are you doing too?” People aren’t trying to make you feel unimportant; it’s just how they react to new children people. Right now, as far as they’re concerned, you’re a reporter, not a participant. Don’t waste time correcting them; this will go away after the new wears off.
Finally, you are the paradigm of manhood–as far as Buttercup is concerned, anyway. The first and strongest impressions in her world of what a man is supposed to be will come from her daddy. That’s a weighty responsibility, but it’s pretty freakin’ awesome too. It also makes a good blog tag line: “Frank J., the epitome of manhood.”
Cats always land on their feet…
Babies always land on their heads…
Life as you know it is over, the baby is in charge now, resistance is futile.
Congrats to you and SarahK! Buttercup is in good hands.
You will hear stories of people who manage to balance a work life, play time, and their families, while still looking like a million bucks (and especially without those dark circles under their eyes).
THESE STORIES ARE ALL LIES.
Tell yourself you love poop. Keep telling yourself that until you believe it. This may take a while, but it helps. Trust me on this.
Mom doesn’t have to actually be awake to start breast feeding, but she might be shortly after the process gets started. And that’s ok.
1. you will never be on time for anything in your life ever again.
2. the on time thing doesn’t really matter.
3. she is the only in your life that matters now.
No kidding. Go out and get a gun safe right now. Start using it right now. Don’t put it off until it matters, because then you won’t be used to it when it matters. You want to be 100% by then.
I don’t know nothin’ ’bout rasin’ babies.
Hopefully your child will be as nice as my German Shepherd. When she was five, she realized that if thirsty, she could get my attention by carrying her empty water dish around the living room.
Five in dog years is probably twenty-five or thirty in human years, so this tidbit may be even more worthless than you originally thought.
I figure he’s already learned this, but just in case….
In a dispute between you and SarahK, she’s right.
Don’t let Uncle Laurence babysit unless you want to se ewebcam video of a bunch of cats batting her around…..
Check that, let Uncle Laurence babysit and let us know beforehand.
Baby food is not made of babies so don’t try to save money by making your own.
Splashing milk on your wrist does not make milk the proper temperature, that’s how you check. You warm it with a blowtorch.
Don’t get her a 1911 until she’s at least 8, it’s just too hard to rack the slide, so get her a revolver when she’s younger, make it a Ruger GP-100 so she can shoot .38 special and then move to .357mag when she’s 6.
Make sure the saddle for the dog has a seatbelt. You wouldn’t want to be unsafe.
Be sure the baby’s stroller has cup holders and knobby tires. If you currently have an inadequate stroller, discard it immediately and replace it!
PS: The cup holders are for you. Baby bottles are stored in the cute, insulated pouches in the diaper bag. And yes, you will be lugging a diaper bag everywhere you go.
Assuming that Buttercup will be nursing to start, you’ll think that you know what a dirty diaper is. And then they start solid foods. And your knowledge world will be expanded in a way you never imagined.
If the breastfeeding ain’t working, there are millions upon millions of healthy kids raised on formula, and you shouldn’t feel a whit bad about feeding formula to your daughter. Lactation consultants and la leche are criminals for what they do to mothers who have trouble w/ breastfeeding. A pox on the lot of ’em … dirty hippies!
What I did with my daughters:
1) Be a great husband to your wife. They learn what a man is supposed to be like by watching how you treat your spouse. They deserve the best so be the best.
2) Be a dad first and a friend second. You can still do all that fun stuff you want to do but they have to know you are in charge. You are there to teach and protect them until they can protect themselves.
3) In a fun and friendly way, teach them every single dirty fighting trick in the book. Poking eyes, ripping out armpit hair, small joint manipulation… if it isn’t “fair” they need to know it. Just be sure they know to practice on daddy only and not siblings or classmates.
4) When they are young it is OK to have a boy for a best friend. When they come over to play be sure to get out all the guns, axes, swords, machetes you can find. When boys are little, you are the cool dad who has a lot of cool guy stuff. When they hit 16 you are the psycho dad no one wants to mess with. So far this has worked for me…
Hey, I posted some really valuable (as in not) pearls of wisdom in the other, other thread. So, my advice to you is to go there and read it. If I recall correctly it was comment #389 billion. Either that, or it was #93. Don’t worry; we’ll wait until you come back.
Babies are the gift that keeps on giving. Except they always give the same thing and it smells really bad.
The most important line to remember is, “Oh, did you just change her, I was just about to do that.”
Don’t burp the baby while wearing a shirt you actually like.
Now that the baby has actually been born, people will stop telling you horror stories about their friends ill-fated pregnancies and will begin telling you horror stories about their friends’ newborns.
Lastly, it may seem like a good idea to give the baby a beer, but you probably shouldn’t.
When you play peek-a-boo don’t go all Chuck Norris on her.
Yesterday was her birthday. What did you get her?
Enjoy your time now, while she likes you. It all goes downhill when she hits 13.
From personal experience:
You need to meet an unknown quota of diaper changes. I’m not sure how the come up with the number, but change diapers NOW before peanut starts on solid food. Now, it’ll just be messy. Later, it will be smells you have never imagined could be possible out of a buttercup like that.
Let her know in the next week or two tbat she doesn’t get to start dating guys until she’s 25. Marriage ain’t happening until at least 35, if the guy passes all tests. You know, oil changes on the family car, that sort of thing.
Just keep in mind that you spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk and the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up…
Having three daughters of my own I set the age they are allowed to date at 30 (you all who said 25 are simply below standard). Check your local zoning ordinances before you build a tower to put her in. If princess towers are not allowed try to convince them it is a tree house and to ignore the concertina wire and mine field.
Just think, in 14 or 15 years…BOYS!!!
well, this story might be relevant in a dozen years or so.
my father is a marine, retired. when my sister reached the dating age, he had a routine when one of those boys came knocking. First, he would say to my sister (whose name is being changed to protect the guilty), “Susan, don’t come down yet. you are not ready to go out.”
“But Dad–”
“I want to talk to him first.”
So then my father would do one of two things. either he would go in the basement to pump iron and make himself all pumped up. Or he would just happen to be cleaning his guns, saying, “I really love my daughter [sound of shotgun being pump being slid back and forth], i would never want anyone to hurt her.”
then he would lay out three rules.
First, he wanted her in by a certain time. i forgot when but it was reasonable.
Second, if you get drunk, you will be in trouble. if you drink and drive, you’ll be dead. so call us if you get drunk, and mitigate your punishment.
Third, “none of that.” yeah, just like that.
one smartass even had the nerve to look all innocent and say, “none of what, sir?”
“You know.”
“No, sir, I don’t.
This went on for like a minute.
So Frank J. judging from the pictures i have seen you either need some guns or you need to get to the gym pronto.
Practice saying “This is the greatest day of my life”…and say it like you mean it. You say this not because it is true but because you have to. Seriously, remember that Spring Break week to Cancun and now the prospect of no sleep and discussing baby poop for the next year is supposed to leapfrog that? So don’t be freaked out that you are just staring at this little thing thinking “eh” or “I thought this was supposed to feel awesome”. Just fake it as sincerely as you can, everyone will appreciate the effort.
On the upside, sometime in the next six months you are going to be rocking that little baby to sleep and it will just kind of hit you that you love this little human more than you ever thought you could love anything ever. You won’t be able to pinpoint the moment the exact moment that it happened but you will suddenly realize that this whole being a dad thing is awesome. Of course you can’t tell anyone because you previously lied about it already being awesome which will make you mad…so just go punch some hippies and enjoy the warm glow.
Also remember that it counts as “watching the baby” if you hold them while watching football in your recliner.
Congrats
You think now that #14 (Deception, Distraction, and Deals) was just funny stuff, but he’s right. LOL
Also,
THIS ^^^
When my daughter was a baby, I called my mom to apologize for having been snotty to her when I was a teenager (as all teenagers are) because I really had NO IDEA how much a mother loved a child until then. I was like, what a jerk, she loved me like that and I said WHAT to her when I was a kid?
Of course, my daughter is now 11, so you know, karma. I’m getting the eyerolling and loud sighing and “Oh my GOD!” LOL My mom and I now discuss on the phone various ways to embarrass her (not that I would ever do these fun yet mortifying things, but plotting at least provides comic relief!).
1) Your involvement with the baby between midnight and 6 a.m. should be restricted to diaper-changing. You can do this in your sleep. Seriously, I’ve changed a zillion of them on auto-pilot. Bottle-making, on the other hand, is far too complex and rouses you out of your somnambulatory state. Never consent to this.
2) Establish the sleep schedule. Sanity will be maintained this way. After a month, it’s okay to let them “cry it out” -provided they are not poopy, hungry, or gassy. Set the timer for 20 minutes. If they’re still crying after 20, go get ’em. I can’t tell you how many times mine have stopped crying at about the 18-minute mark.
3) B00b-feeding is the way to go. Not for Buttercup, but for SarahK. (Having gone both ways, I’m pretty sure they get plenty of nutrition either way). Those fluctuating hormones? They return to normal WAY faster this way. There’s the extra bonus, too, of weight reduction. After nursing our first, the missus actually dropped to 15lbs. less than she was the day we were married. Smokin’.
One last thing:
Have AT LEAST two more. It is your civic duty as a member of the “pretty/smart/funny” nexus to propagate the species.
If you have more than three…well that’s just awesome. My Dad -who had six- always said that after 3 kids, the workload never really changed. The older ones start to help out with the younger ones. By that time, you’ve also learned how to deal with being outnumbered as well.
Of course, now I have six as well 😀
Babies leak from the top end, too. Wear a hand towel over your shoulder for the next two years, or all your shirts will have smelly stains in the shoulder area.
Here’s one for when baby becomes a toddler, and leaves toys scattered around the house like caltrops, each one waiting to find your unshod foot at 3:00am: SHUFFLE YER FEET.
This one is easy. Have SarahK pump out a couple of extra bottles and store them in the fridge; or if going the formula route, prep the dry formula in the bottles, and know EXACTLY how many seconds it’s going to take 8oz of water to get to the right temp in the microwave.
That’s what those effing cloth diapers are for. Don’t waste good towels for burp rags.
Two Words: Range Bag. Preferably one with MOLLE webbing so you can add all the extra pouches you need to the outside. Why? #1: The look more manly than all those baby colors the diaper bags currently come in. #2: They’re bigger and can carry more stuff. Folded diapers are square, and fit perfectly into a range bag with a divider in it. #3: When she outgrows the diaper stage, where you don’t have to lug everything around, you can repurpose it back into a range bag.
Print this out for later
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package,
because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes
or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a
“barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over the Euphrates near
Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
at the window is mine.
OK, FrankJ, the honeymoon is over and it’s time you start delivering the funny…like right now! I feel like I’m waiting for a baby to be born or something… I offer this motivation for you. If Chris Christie runs for and is elected POTUS in 2 years, I will change my screen name from ussjimmycarter to dicksmoker!
If I may add to my previous advice:
It is best not to make fun of your child at all, but, if you do, don’t do it with an audience. Don’t ask me how I know about this (although I will note that I’m a childless bachelor).
Babies love it when you lay on the floor and hold them up in the air over your head so they can “fly”. They really like it after a good meal.
Frank, you don’t have to worry about this for a few months yet but eventually you will develop a sudden obsession for bubblewrap.
Sarah, get some well deserved rest. And later when you’re feeling a bit more energized, punch Frank out of love.
Princess Buttercup, listen to your Mommy and Daddy. And fill those diapers like you really really mean it.
I have never read so much advice. There is too much. Let me sum up:
Fly by the seat of your pants. Avoid the seat of hers.
Lead by Example
Imprint the lil booger starting immediatly such as…”When you go to college.” The thought of not attending University didn’t even cross my daughters mind. You can imprint them fairly easily.
Watch what you say….they will repeat it…even if you say something while in another room.
Forget about your current furniture and getting any new furniture for at least 15 yrs…..they are going to spill.
Start teaching your child sign language immediatly. The “Baby Talk” sign language program worked wonders for us. My son could recognize sign and sign back at 9-10 months, well before his speech became viable. This eliminates lots of frustration for child and parent and has been shown to stimulate the language portion of the brain.
Keep the cootchie coo stuff to a minimum and speak to her with big people words. Its ok to have binky and blanky.
Keerp on schedule…they like a schedule as it makes them feel secure.
Its ok if they eat a little dirt etc. etc.
Define you roles & responsibilities as soon as possible, then offer to help the other whenever you can.
Dont feel minimized or put out if the Mommy is some what reluctant to let you handle the child without watching you like a hawk.
Do not spend a million dollars of toys for the next 4 xmas…..they will end up playing with the paper and boxes.
When you get home every day..KISS the WIFE FIRST then the child.
Enjoy the little things and stay in today, time will accelerate from this point forward.
Good Luck & Best Wishes to you and your family
This tip is for much later, say preteen yrs, but learning to throw a shoe accurately at your target has always worked for me. And my kids turned out well.
I missed it? Sheesh, step away from this blog for one day and look what happens.
Congrats Frank and Sarah!
Funny, now we have baby adverts in the sidebar.
Keep the cootchie coo stuff to a minimum and speak to her with big people words. Its ok to have binky and blanky.
Man, that is a BIG one. I agree wholeheartedly. I’ve witnessed the results of both sides. (The cutesy resulted in very ugly later on. Using normal polite adult talk I convinced an extremely feral animal to trust and like me. So a baby girl should be a piece of cake using the same method.) Talk to her as an adult as socially as possible. But infuse humor into her.
Monk – “You’ll thank me later.”
Raising Girls to be Strong Women
http://rightnetwork.com/posts/1001642146
Looks like I’m too late to give any good advice, (awesome, GrannyBoo, and all,)
so I’ll add this:
Burp rag- essential, as the smell of a clean shirt makes babies throw up.
Breast feeding does NOT mean you sleep an entire night , you will still be waking at 3AM to retrieve the hungry Princess for Mom to feed.
Don’t go any public place that has the temerity
to put a changing table in the Men’s room. (I don’t know if that’s possible anymore though)
You are the first man in her life,
love her and Sarah as Christ loves His Church.
You hug that little new born baby, then spend 18 years slowly letting go. Knowing how much to let go and when is hard. You won’t always get it right. But you will know you came close when they are 25 and still asking your advice.
So hooray for the three of you. Like all good adventures, it won’t match the pictures on the brochure. But it is still the best!
Ain’t that the truth?
And to go along with that one: If Mama tells Daddy to change the diaper, just pretend incompetence and Mama will do it. (Hey, it works for the laundry!)
1. Read to her every night, starting now. Good stuff. Real stuff. (Skip most of the children’s books since Dr. Seuss). Read the Bible to her regularly, too. You’ll teach her to paint pictures in her mind, and to love the sound of your voice. Which will come in handy when you’re lecturing her *again* on why she can’t wear THAT out of the house.
2. And sing to her. Not Queen songs, either. She will not be a critic until she’s 13 or 14.
3. Enter her world. Think she’s important. Try to think about what God is like, and be that way to her. You are already His model to her, whether you mean to be or not. So mean to be.
4.Remember, parenting isn’t a popularity contest. This will come in handy when she’s 14 and knows more than you ever did.
5.This one is for both you and SarahK: when she turns 15 and seems to reject all you stand for, know that this will pass, if you let it. She just has to start writing her own story, instead of continuing to be a character in yours. Yes, it will hurt, but remember that parents ALWAYS love their kids more than their kids love them.
6. Don’t forget Who she belongs to. That’s not you or SarahK. She’s on loan, and you will be accountable for your stewardship.
7. Live on your knees daily. No-one but the Lord can raise a child. “Who is sufficient for these things?”
This stuff is awesome! I’m going to have to bookmark it for future reference. lol
That said…srsly, get the Pit Bull. They look terrifying and intimidate the heck out of people, but they are also the most loyal, loving dogs imaginable. They will also alert you every time someone sets foot on your property. Useful when boys start getting interested in her and figure out which window is her bedroom.
Also, the words of a friend of mine who worked as a crime scene investigator, “I have a gun and a shovel and I know how to effectively hide a body and get away with it. Have a nice evening and bring her home by 9pm.”
Gotta agree about the dog. It doesn’t NEED to be a pitbull, but the big mean looking breeds can be the best of both worlds – loving family pet, vicious defender of home and family. When Buttercup is just starting to move around on her own, get a puppy. The two will grow up and grow together. Great video fodder will result. And the dog will understand that she is to be protected at all times.
You can make good coin leasing the baby to single guy friends to take to the beach. Any guy’s chick gravity increases by an order of magnitude when they have a baby.
I know it seems cynical but business is business, is it not?
> Live on your knees daily. No-one but the Lord can raise a child. “Who is sufficient for these things?”
OK. Just leave the baby on the floor while you pray all day. You don’t have to feed her or change her; no-one but “the Lord” can do that.
Let us know how that works out.
Your baby will be with you for the rest of your life but football season is only five months a year. Gotta keep things in perspective.
“If you smell some really horrible smell emanating from the diaper area, everything’s fine; she’s merely asking for Mama to hold her. ”
Incorrect.
This process involves scent-marking, which means that the baby is attempting to make that life-time bond with her mother. Not returning the baby when this scent-marking process is taking place can endanger that bond and lead to years of confusion for the child and anguish for the mother. Do not interfere with this loving and necessary process.
Frank,
I can sympathize with your current feelings. When kids are born, it was always “Awww, how’s mom doing?”
No one seems to care that dad has to sit in a very uncomfortable chair for hours and hours … with very little help … and no drugs at all.
On a serious note, check out the book “On Becoming Babywise”. They claim if you do what they say, baby will sleep through the night by 8 wks and be a very easy, happy baby.
We are in the middle of raising 4 kids and used this method with #4. She slept through the night by 7 wks and has woken in the middle of the night 2-3 times since then (she’s now 5).
Finally, congratulations and welcome to the club!
Now, now, God doesn’t put the stink in the poop for a couple months yet. Especially if she’s breastfed. In three months, though, look out!