Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
Day 7: So… thirsty. Since the shutdown, I have been unable to figure out how to drink water on my own. Resorting to standing out in the rain and praying that osmosis will work.
Dear Barry,
As a park ranger, I am finding myself suffering chronic attacks of sudden blindness. One minute, I’m standing guard blocking off open-air monuments and memorials, and then a sudden veil falls over my eyes. The next thing I know, CITIZENS are swarming their public spaces. And worse, most of them come from a generation where they don’t take this kind of [REDACTED] from the government.
My insurance isn’t covering treatment for the blindness or the psychological issues of dealing with people exercising freedom. I tried enrolling in one of the new insurance exchanges, but couldn’t get through.
What am I to do?
The shutdown is a thousand times worse than sequester. Why haven’t you brought in tanks to crush the Republicans for opposing your divine will?
Love,
The New Republic
(P.S. Can we get some more autographed photos, please?)
…with all those closed gun free zones now there’s no place safe to go… ‘
…since there’s nobody to collect taxes I’m not payin’ them anymore. Aight?
…my car is getting worse gas mileage since there’s no one left to remind me to keep the proper tire inflation pressure.
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
I missed Anonymiss’ cookies for a whole week! What? That happened before the shutdown? Never mind.
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
Day 7. I have barricaded the doors to keep out the horde of Liberal Zombies who have infested my neighborhood. They are looking for food since they can’t feed themselves, they haven’t bathed in a week, cause they can’t work out the water faucet and their clothes are bedraggled from lack of changing, not having someone tell them what to wear. At least they look like zombies, might still be alive but, what’s the difference?
You know what I found lying in the street yesterday? A MATTRESS TAG!! People are ripping off mattress tags, and NO ONE is there to put a stop to it!!!
This truly is Armageddon.
@8 Zombies or not, I recommend a shotgun free-fire zone around your house for maximum protection.
The “Pledge to Obama” chants outside my house are getting louder.
They claim the government is shut down, but their mouths are still open.
@10 I declared my house a National Monument, so far they’ve been keeping away, but I get these NPS people putting up Barrycades on my lawn.
I announce with some trepidation that there will be no skeet shooting at Camp David for the duration of the shutdown. (And possibly beyond!)
@13 Big mistake. Once they realize you’re inside, you’ll be forcibly evicted from your own home because of that designation.
@15 I keep telling them I have a tee-time with the President.
…the American citizen now can’t get a ticket on the Intercontinental Railroad which runs through the 57 states of this beautiful country.
…classes teaching Austrian at the Defense Language Institute have been canceled.
…the team of emergency paralegals accompanying Obama on his travels has not been reduced.
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
I’ve been crying since they took Breaking Bad off the air. I mean, what am I going to watch now? Damn, Dirty Government! You can’t deny a man his favorite TV show like that, it’s inhuman, it’s unforgivable, it’s gotta be unconstitutional! I’m mad as hell, and I vote! Well, except when it’s a little cool and rainy, but other than that I vote! So look out! In 2012 I’m going put the hammer down on the Government if it doesn’t bring back Breaking Bad! Oh, and Firefly as well.
I’ve gone through an entire week without once feeling that icy grip of government’s hand or the reassuring pressure of its boot on my neck.
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
I feel so alone without the NSA listening in to my phonecalls.
In my efforts to sign up for the Affordale Care Act, I need the assistance of a Navigator/Facilitator. My calls have all been rerouted to a call center in India.
There is danger of a volcanic eruption in Yellowstone Park. Won’t shutting off all those geysers make the pressure rise more quickly?
Since the government shutdown, I’m starting to realize that the Federal government doesn’t really “DO” much that affects me directly, so I’ve been wondering if I’m getting my money’s worth.
…I’ve been worried that any moment now, the Federal government will turn off light, gravity, and freedom since apparently they own them.
…I’ve worried myself sick wondering if the Federal government will, at great expense, line up all the satellites it owns to block out sunlight over the U.S.
…I can’t seem to recover from the shock that the financial damage from the shutdown of the Federal goverment is less the financial damage caused by its operation.
I am lost in Yellowstone and the park rangers have quit looking for me because it is illegal or something. Does that big grizzly know it is illegal to eat me during the shutdown?
Mouth Rushmore is closed due to the shutdown, and Abraham Lincoln has got a serious booger growing out of his nose.
…I lay awake nights hoping the President got enough to eat and still managed to get some golf in with all this shutdown business going on…and that there’s still enough money left for his wife and his dog to take separate planes with full escort to their vacation.
The reality of just how much the loss of government affects my life has begun to make itself apparent.
Yesterday, the government approved minder in charge of tying shoes at the Atlas house was apparently deemed non-essential at 7:38 am, shortly after my children left for school (Thank God!) but before I left for work. That was alright for my wife, who prefers flip-flops, but I don’t own a pair of loafers and I’ve long-since forgotten how to tie my own shoes, in much the same way a bear who is fed by tourists in a national park loses the ability to forage for its own sustenance.
So, it was in my stocking feet that I went to the car for the morning commute. Unfortunately, my federally subsidized driver was missing. So I had to walk to work – 32 miles one way – and not only that: I also had to carry my computer bag AND my lunch! How in the name of all that’s holy could I be expected to play Candy Crush Saga on my iPhone without a free hand? After the first mile my socks were naturally in tatters and my feet starting to swell. It was clear I would be late for work if I made there at all, so I decided instead to divert to the nearest hospital. By the time I got there I was sure my feet would look like bleeding hamburger, plus they have Wi-Fi and I could probably connect to the office and get some work done while I waited for treatment on my feet.
The wait time at the hospital wasn’t too bad. I still have insurance and the ACA doesn’t actually go into effect until January so the demand hasn’t spiked yet, and the bureaucrats aren’t quite prepared to fully F up the process. It was odd though, seeing so many indigents with Obama buttons trying to sign up for the ACA right at the hospital. You need to sign up on the phone or via the computer if I understand correctly. Maybe they came direct to the hospital because of all the ‘glitches,’ and because the messaging has necessarily conflated the ‘health insurance’ that you are supposed to get through the exchanges with the ‘heath care’ that you get at a hospital.
But what do I know.
Anyway, I got my feet cleaned and bandaged. I did all the paperwork and that’s really what took the rest of the day. So I never really got any work done after all. I manage to squeeze in a little Candy Crush Saga, but the painkillers they had given me really took a toll.
When it was time to leave, all they had for me to wear on my feet were those little paper slippers. I was able to put them on just fine (no shoelaces to contend with – whew!), but it was clear I would barely make it out of the parking lot before my feet were bleeding again, even with the customary wheelchair ride to the curb.
I called my wife to come pick me up. I had to call the home phone because of course her Obamaphone is no longer connected to the grid. Her federally paid driver had also been furloughed, but that driver had only been part time and she drives herself around at least 30% of the time. Unfortunately the GPS unit in the van no longer works because apparently the satellites have been powered down or something. It took her about two hours of random driving around to find the hospital because, well, who keeps paper maps in the car anymore?
It took me less time to get to the hospital on bleeding feet in the morning. I blame George Bush.
And then, when I finally got home, I found that sometime during the day, my government feeder had also been deemed non-essential and sent home. This proved to be a real problem because I don’t think I’ve actually touched silverware since the first months of the Clinton administration, and because my wife had just spent two hours come retrieving me from the hospital, the soup she’d made for dinner was absolutely scalding.
Not only did my unfamiliarity with the spoon cause me to ruin one of my best shirts while trying to feed myself, I’m back at the hospital with second-degree burns from my lower lip to my belly button. And needless to say, since most of my dinner ended up on the outside rather than the inside, I’m also pretty damned hungry.
I hate to think what tomorrow will bring.
@29 “…a bear who is fed by tourists in a national park loses the ability to forage for its own sustenance.”
Great point, without tourists how will these bears survive in the wilds of our National Parks? Does Obama hate Bears?
The White House is asking for shutdown sob stories. What’s yours?
Must have left my house at eight, because I always do
My train, I’m certain, left the station just when it was due
I must have read the morning paper going into town
And having gotten through the editorial, no doubt I must have frowned
I must have made my desk around a quarter after nine
With letters to be read, and heaps of papers waiting to be signed
I must have gone to lunch at half past twelve or so
The usual place, the usual bunch
And still on top of this I’m pretty sure it must have rained
The day before the government shutdown.
I must have lit my seventh cigarette at half past two
And at the time I never even noticed I was blue
I must have kept on dragging through the business of the day
Without really knowing anything, I hid a part of me away
At five I must have left, there’s no exception to the rule
A matter of routine, I’ve done it ever since I finished school
The train back home again
Undoubtedly I must have read the evening paper then
Oh yes, I’m sure my life was well within it’s usual frame
The day before the government shutdown.
Must have opened my front door at eight o’clock or so
And stopped along the way to buy some chinese food to go
I’m sure I had my dinner watching something on tv
There’s not, I think, a single episode of Breaking Bad that I didn’t see
I must have gone to bed around a quarter after ten
I need a lot of sleep, and so I like to be in bed by then I must have read a while
The latest one by marilyn french or something in that style
It’s funny, but I had no sense of living without aim
The day before the government shutdown.
And turning out the light
I must have yawned and cuddled up for yet another night
And rattling on the roof I must have heard the sound of rain
The day before the government shut down.
The White House Is Asking for Shutdown Sob Stories. What’s Yours?”
…Since the NOAA.GOV website is down, I no longer can dress myself in accordance with today’s weather.
Because of the Republicans holding all of us hostage, today in Deadwood, SD I went outside with shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops. Boehner, stop the madness!!! I’m freezing my a** off!!!!
Eventually, it will have to end.
…my SOB story… the President is one.
Every morning, I wake up not knowing if the government will turn off the borders and my living room will be flooded with ocean water, Mexicans, and Canadians.
I saw an emaciated Congresswoman streaking at a golf tournament and she was mistaken for a mashie niblick, winding up in Tiger Wood’s golf bag.
Joe Biden and his staff were busking on the Capitol steps but got so confused when he sang “Them belly full, but we hungry” that they quit early to do lunch but then they saw a sign that said “Eat at Joe’s”, but Biden couldn’t get any of his cooks to drive past any parks or monuments to get to work, luckily Joe had FEMA on his ObamaPhone speed dial and they got directions to a kitchen with free soup!
Yesterday, ninety Park Officials were injured when the octogenarian Marines retook the Iwo Jima monument. The Park Rangers are not receiving Combat Pay for this.
I can’t afford the cost of my anxiety medication to mitigate the dread I experience in anticipation of the news that someone might screw up and turn the nonessential parts of government back on again.
I playin a drinking games wer I drin ks very tim the guy wid the wite house blames EEEEEEEVIL rethuglicans for all the shut down thins and I’m running out of the good stuff. WHERE’s MY BEEER SUMMITS>??!!!!
My Healthcare was costly enough then some SOB in Government really screwed it up!
Methinks Fangbeer might be the one doing those Garofalo posts.
“Does Obama hate Bears?”
Nope. Obama is a proud Bears fan who likes to recall having gone to some of the great football matches at Lambeth Fields and how he loved Dick Butkus and Rocky Blier when they were quarterbacks and had wide recievers like “Too-Tall” Jones and Chuck Bednarik to throw to.
Three little girls at the local elementary school held a TEA PARTY!!1! (clutches pearls – cruelty-free synthetic, of course) and there were no NSA agents to monitor them or IRS agents to audit their parents or Deputy Secretaries from the Department of Diversity to denounce them for the racist, intolerant little Eichmanns they so clearly are.
Bears, not DaBEARS.
I took my precious little darlings Che Chihuahua and Anthony Wienerdog for a walk in DC and they were forced to pee on barricades instead of the Iwo Jima Memorial as is their wont.
…thousands of illegal immigrants have been hired by the Department of Interior to fill in the Grand Canyon because there isn’t enough money to keep it open due to the shutdown.
When the 10-day old placenta finally dried and fell off my naturally born child, there was no-one from the National Endowment for the Arts to give me a grant to preserve, mount and permanently install it as a public work of art in front of the federal courthouse. We were forced to store it in a closet, but the dog – who is supposed to be on a strict vegetarian diet, the naughty beast – found it and ate it, then horked it up all over my Karla 5 red vegan shoes. On the way to the vet, the Chevy Volt caught fire and the dog died from smoke inhalation even though it was a clearly designated no-smoking zone. Meanwhile, my morbidly obese neighbors (don’t they know how unattractive that is?) are courting diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke and heart attacks by slamming down Big Gulps because there is no-one to re-educate them on the methods and benefits of drinking healthful, zero-calorie water from BPA-free, post-consumer recycled bottles. The horror, the horror!
[Total Aside]
#5 Rodney Dill’s “Aight” was a very small touch, but one to be admired. It made me laugh out loud, anyway.
(But then – – – you all do that at one time or another. Thanks!)
[/Aside]
@Tater salad
I reverse trolled garafolo one day with a few posts telling her that I wasn’t going to have sex with her no matter how many times she tried to come on to me. I came out the other end of the wormhole in space I had created staring at my wife, who had read the posts, and called me a jerk to my face. Needless to say, I am not the garafolo troll
@fangbeer – that’s exactly what the Garafalo troll would claim.
I walked 5 miles uphill in the snow with no shoes to sign up for Obamacare but the Interwubs was down at the commune’s glorious workers’ center. So I had to walk back to my humble foreclosed home, commiserating with other proud unemployed workers on my Obamaphone as I trekked uphill again.
I tried again the next day but the Obamacare website was unavailable due to the outpouring of young, healthy socialists ready to subsidize the aging Babyboomers in the extended twilight of their lives. I tried again and again; days became weeks which turned to months, until finally I was successful in subscribing to my Great Leader’s grand social experiment!
And just in time too: the frostbite from all this trudging around in the snow has cost me both feet. Thank goodness Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions!
Both sides assure me that the shutdown is only temporary.
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