A clown crapped into a three-piece suit and now the RNC says everyone has to rally behind it because party unity.

If mankind had socialism since the beginning, today we’d still be living like cavemen but we’d have an even amount of mud and rocks.

Well, the ones in charge of mud/rock distribution get a larger share, but that’s expected.

2yo had a boo-boo so I gave him the “Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” speech.

The problem is that both Trump and Hillary will be looking for their most enthusiastic support from the same group: garbage people.

How is the “Drumpf” thing different than “Barack HUSSEIN Obama”?

Both Trump and Sanders are populists without any coherent philosophy, yet they come across very differently.

Hillary is a partisan without any coherent philosophy, but we’re pretty used to that.

You can’t be for socialism and against violence. You can’t prevent the free market without force.

Understand the violence inherent in the system.

In the new Indiana Jones, will the title character be the ancient artifact?

Should we have let President Obama go to a Communist country? Isn’t there a risk of him deciding he doesn’t want to come back?

We elected Obama president. That means he’s our responsibility and we have to keep an eye on him and watch out for him.

Who a year ago predicted Jeb Bush would drop out and eventually endorse Ted Cruz? I think you win a prize.

“There’s clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Election 2016.”

#IfIWerePresident I’d play video games all day and if you didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother you.

I’ll vote for Trump if you pay me a $1 million. I’ll vote for Hillary if you pay me what Goldman Sachs paid her for a speech.

The reviews of Batman v Superman make it sound like the overlong mess I assumed it was going to be from when it was first announced.

How do you explain to a child present-tense “read” and past-tense “read” and the sick minds behind it?

Trump spent a whole rally ranting about how gloves are a big scam because they have all this space at the fingertips you don’t need.

I’d believe the Zodiac killer thing over the affair.

Why is everyone freaking out over the bird landing near Bernie Sanders? If you’ve ever been near him, you know he reeks of birdseed.

The reviews for Batman v Superman, though negative, did confirm the movie contained Batman and Superman which is all anyone cared about.

It’s the age of the Trump voter. Did you think your Batman v Superman movie had to be any good to be successful?

Move Pitch: Orange-faced clown man is the only one who can stop terrorism.

Bernie Sanders’s supporters are mainly white, while Hillary is supported by a diverse group of horrible, cynical people.

I like Bernie Sanders. He is so so dumb, but he’s refreshingly genuine.

Domesticated dogs should come with warnings that they’ve been genetically altered.

I don’t care how bad Batman v Superman is. If Batman punches Superman in it, I’m going to see it.

Weird how a bird landing on Bernie’s podium was a big deal but a flying monkey lands on Hillary’s shoulder and everyone acts like its normal.

I’m still pretty certain this whole Trump thing is a joke and you’re all going to look really dumb for taking it this seriously.

I really like Better Call Saul. I’m not sure where it’s going, even though I should know where it’s going.

Learn to deal with things that offend you. There’s no safe space in this world other than the grave.

If you want to learn how to deal with things that offend you, talk to Christians. We deal with a thousand things like that a day.

“I’m sick of the bad food and horrible service at this restaurant so I’m drinking this delicious gallon of bleach instead.” -Trump voter

Politics is so weird right now, but remember when Obama was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

Ah. Happier — but still really stupid — times.

Our nation’s number one problem is whining. We’re an absurdly rich country with unimaginable opportunities and we whine about everything.

If Trump is using up the “Lyin'” adjective on Cruz, what’s he going to call Hillary?

My guess is we’re going to set a record for lowest approval rating of a newly elected president.

We all know Trump is a horrible person and everyone around him is a horrible person. How is this still news?

Is Trump a Microsoft chat bot?

Strangely, the fact that the mainstream anti-abortion position is to not punish women makes many pro-abortion people very angry.

Politics makes everything weird and stupid.

I’m not referring to Trump here. He was weird and stupid before he got into politics.

Let’s have another news cycle where we pretend something Trump said is a serious thing that needs to be parsed and discussed.

Got some capes in the mail and my daughter correctly chose Team Batman.

What if google.com forgot one year to renew their URL on GoDaddy?

I just realized I haven’t seen the Green Giant in forever. Did climate change kill him?

Donald Trump is doing the Kang and Kodos routine on abortion, but much more ineptly.

Bernie Sanders is kind of perfect for Twitter because I don’t think he has any thoughts bigger than 140 characters.

Trump promises to rapidly reverse all the bad things with his time laser.

“Now that I’m president, all the bad things will be rapidly reversed!”
*Trump Benjamin Buttons*

We’re having an epidemic on college campuses where safe spaces keep getting ransacked by Huns.

I have this feeling Hillary is going to be seeking revenge against Democrat primary voters for making her fight for it again.

My son has an important job interview. Wish him luck!

I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to a “Guardrail Damage Ahead” sign. Abandon my plans to lose control and swerve off road?

Not really into the feminist video game stuff, but it was kind of tough explaining to my daughter there was no option to play as Zelda.