The Illustrated Frank J: However, Being a Capitalist, I Own a Bigger, Better Gun to Wave Menacingly at Peaceniks

[source]

Barking Up the Wrong Tree, Mr. Putin

A Russian fighter jet flew dangerously close to a US RC-135 reconnaissance aircraft in the latest military provocation by Moscow over the Baltic Sea.

Trying to get a rise out of Obama by threatening the US militarily is like trying to get a rise out of Elton John by having him judge the Miss America swimsuit competition.

Notchurally

[High Praise! to After Math]

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Link of the Day: Rome Berns

[High Praise! to Les of Nuking Politics]

Rome Berns

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

Not the Half Who Know What They’re Doing, Though

A new poll shows that nearly half of Democrats think the Constitution “should be updated”.

I agree. Assuming you do it by using the procedure it contains for doing so, and not via 5 judges with an itch and a grudge.

Trump’s Earth Day Plans to Make Earth Great Again

On Earth Day, I, Donald Trump, have ideas not just to make America great again, but to make the whole earth great again. When I do these things, the environment will be great again. It will be great.

  • Hey, instead of using airplanes, I’m gonna have all my staff use carbon friendly travel by organic trebuchets/recycled parachutes.
  • I’ll compost all my political enemies.
  • I’ll only use organic products when fantasizing about my daughter. It’s great. Doesn’t she look great. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.
  • I’ll stop using endangered animals as sources for my hair, and it will still look great.
  • And when I go to Central Park to let my hair run around for a bit, I’ll make sure to use a leash and clean up after it.
  • I’ll sue everyone who speaks ill of me to incentivize keeping their filthy carbon dioxide in their lungs.
  • Did you know, methane is a much greater greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide? The cure is easy. If you eat falafel, you can’t immigrate to America. The air quality will be great.
  • And if you are an H1B worker, you’re fired. Keep that noxious methane in the third world with you.
  • I’ll make better deals with carbon dioxide. Does it really have to retain so much heat?
  • Better yet, I’ll build a wall to keep greenhouse gases from illegally entering the atmosphere, and I’m gonna make Richard Lindzen pay for it.
  • Hey, if you don’t like global warming, just do what I do and leave your windows open when you run your AC. I’m rich. I can afford it.
  • I’ll commit to continue recycling my positions on the issues at least weekly.
  • When Exxon Mobil starts acting out, just punch it in the mouth. Don’t worry, I’ll pay your legal fees.
  • I’ll use eminent domain, pave that residential area and put up an energy efficient parking lot.
  • I’ll add a climate science degree at Trump University.
  • I’ll keep exchanging wives for younger, more energy-efficient models. It’s great. I recommend it for everybody.
  • Reduce my carbon footprint? Why? My carbon footprint is just between a medium and large, just like my hands and other things. It’s a great size.
  • And last of all, if you give me the nomination, I’ll stop pissing on conservative principles. Ok, I probably won’t, but I will start using the transgender or coed restrooms instead. You know, there are chicks in there. It’s great.

15 Fun Facts About Earth Day

(reposted from 2012)

Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 28th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.

Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.

Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…

15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY

1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.

2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.

3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.

4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.

5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.

6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”

7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.

8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.

9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.

11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.

12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.

13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.

14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.

15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
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Final thought:

Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)

Straight Line of the Day: Hillary Clinton Admitted She Wants a $1 Trillion Tax Hike. Most of Which Will Be Spent on…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Hillary Clinton admitted that she wanted a $1 trillion tax hike. Most of which will be spent on…

Nightmare Fuel

During a speech in Virgina, President Obama said “every day, ISIS leaders wake up and understand that it could be their last”.

Then they remember who America’s President is, chuckle to themselves, roll over, and go back to sleep.