On Earth Day, I, Donald Trump, have ideas not just to make America great again, but to make the whole earth great again. When I do these things, the environment will be great again. It will be great.

• Hey, instead of using airplanes, I’m gonna have all my staff use carbon friendly travel by organic trebuchets/recycled parachutes.
• I’ll compost all my political enemies.
• I’ll only use organic products when fantasizing about my daughter. It’s great. Doesn’t she look great. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.
• I’ll stop using endangered animals as sources for my hair, and it will still look great.
• And when I go to Central Park to let my hair run around for a bit, I’ll make sure to use a leash and clean up after it.
• I’ll sue everyone who speaks ill of me to incentivize keeping their filthy carbon dioxide in their lungs.
• Did you know, methane is a much greater greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide? The cure is easy. If you eat falafel, you can’t immigrate to America. The air quality will be great.
• And if you are an H1B worker, you’re fired. Keep that noxious methane in the third world with you.
• I’ll make better deals with carbon dioxide. Does it really have to retain so much heat?
• Better yet, I’ll build a wall to keep greenhouse gases from illegally entering the atmosphere, and I’m gonna make Richard Lindzen pay for it.
• Hey, if you don’t like global warming, just do what I do and leave your windows open when you run your AC. I’m rich. I can afford it.
• I’ll commit to continue recycling my positions on the issues at least weekly.
• When Exxon Mobil starts acting out, just punch it in the mouth. Don’t worry, I’ll pay your legal fees.
• I’ll use eminent domain, pave that residential area and put up an energy efficient parking lot.
• I’ll add a climate science degree at Trump University.
• I’ll keep exchanging wives for younger, more energy-efficient models. It’s great. I recommend it for everybody.
• Reduce my carbon footprint? Why? My carbon footprint is just between a medium and large, just like my hands and other things. It’s a great size.
• And last of all, if you give me the nomination, I’ll stop pissing on conservative principles. Ok, I probably won’t, but I will start using the transgender or coed restrooms instead. You know, there are chicks in there. It’s great.