Both the Hillary and Trump campaigns would benefit from locking candidate in underground bunker and only letting surrogates talk for them.

I always thought “cons” was an abbreviation of “conservatives” but apparently those are two distinct groups on the right.

If #NeverTrump decided to put their full might behind Trump, I’d be surprised if they moved things one percentage point.

Anyone focusing on #NeverTrump is trying to pass blame, not win.

“Here’s Trump spokesman Ryan Lochte to explain how the election was rigged.”

The vote is rigged? That we have to choose between Trump and Clinton shows the whole system is rigged.

I’m not apologizing for my tone or anything I’ve said. Because I’m a winner.

With Obama paying hundreds of millions in ransom, I’m now worried about being kidnapped by Trump.

I always imagine Jesus turning to face the camera when he says the second sentence of John 20:29.

Most people think Hillary set up a personal email server for corrupt reasons, but it’s also possible she’s just an idiot with bad advisors.

When I ask my three-year-old what he did all day, he can never remember. I wonder if he’s an alcoholic.

Don’t get Harambe jokes. Nothing funny about how that plumber made him fall off the construction site. He wasn’t going to hurt that woman.

Advantage of Trump over Clinton is that more of the media recognizes him as awful and would continue to scrutinize him if he were elected.

What if Trump is underpolling because many of his supporters are incapable of human speech and thus can’t respond to pollsters?

How are some of you seeing Arthur Chu’s tweets? My understanding is he pre-blocks anyone who follows anyone other than Arthur Chu.

People being mysteriously disappeared for unexplained reasons is just part of Twitter’s charm.

An interesting strategy to try to reduce the amount of people being offended would be to ban the easily offended.

A great slogan for some activist, fair-trade coffee company: “Be woke.”

Gene Wilder was one of the greatest comic actors. Plus his name sounds like something a mad scientist would use for splicing DNA.

The “evolving superpowers” thing from the X-Men doesn’t happen in real life. Except for the electric eel.

Just found out about the SETI signal thing. If we’re visited by advanced aliens, make sure they don’t find out about Harambe.

I wonder what this election would be like if there was a libertarian alternative for president.

Where’s that article? My wife wears headphones all day and I haven’t been able to talk to her in weeks.