LOS ANGELES (AP) – As California regulators adopted the nation’s first mandatory energy efficiency rules for computers and monitors – devices that account for 3 percent of home electric bills and 7 percent of commercial power costs in California – Apple Inc. (NASDAQ: AAPL) announced that it would create new devices to meet those standards.

The Apple iBacus: low carbon footprint, fun, and accuracy

Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new regulations were an “opportunity to innovate,” and not a “pointless, useless, expensive, feel-good, job-killing burden as its critics claim.”

“Of course,” added Cook, “I have a loyal army of millennials willing to pony up for anything with a silver chomp-appled silhouette on it, so naturally the ‘big picture’ is more obvious to me.”

The first device in the new product line is described in Apple’s official documentation as “an innovative digital computer with a distinctive touch interface”. Cook heaped praise on the device for it’s “zero-power, zero-carbon footprint, 100% earth-affirming design”.

“Also,” continued Cook, “like most Apple products, it’s completely devoid of USB socket, headphone jacks, and card slots. But – and I’m so proud of this – with this little beauty, we’ve even managed to eliminate the on-off switch.”

Dubbed the “iBacus”, the shiny new gadget has almost unheard of computing power, able to represent numbers up to 10 million, and even store most of an entire phone number.

“It should sell like gangbusters” said Cook. “If you’ve ever seen bored millenials in a restaurant, you know they just sit there flicking their fingers up and down on their phones. It’s a natural motion for them now, so it’s a perfect fit.”

Although some early adopters complain about the unit’s lack of ability to create anything artistic beyond a crude impressionistic take on a Skittles spill, Cook insisted the best was yet to come.

“Wait,” grinned Cook, “until we release the Etch-i-Sketch”.