Straight Line of the Day: Now Subject to Enhanced Screening by the TSA…

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Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Now subject to enhanced screening by the TSA…

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    • Your wish is my command…Rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, s**t-kickers but not Methodists. Methodists should never be subject to enhanced screening by the TSA unless they’re in a wheel chair or are under ten years of age.

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    • TSA: I have reason to believe that there are certain substances in your luggage.
      MAN: Well what sort of substances, officer?
      TSA: Er… certain substances.
      MAN: Well, what sort of certain substances?
      TSA: Er, certain substances of an illicit nature.
      MAN: Er, could you be more specific?
      TSA: I beg your pardon?
      MAN: Could you be clearer?
      TSA: Oh, oh … yes, er … certain substances in your luggage. To be removed for clinical tests.
      MAN: Have you got anything patiticular in mind?
      TSA: Well what have you got?
      MAN: Nothing, officer.
      TSA: You are Sandy Camp the actor?
      MAN: Yes.
      TSA: I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie.
      MAN: What are you after?
      TSA: (pulling a brown paper package from out of his pocket, very badly and obviously) Oo! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Here is a brown paper bag I have found in your luggage. I must confiscate this, sir, and take it with me for clinical examination.
      MAN: Wait a minute. You just got that out of your pocket.

      .

      (Coincidentally, the watch-smuggler sketch appears in the same episode, too.)

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  12. Now subject to enhanced screening by the TSA:

    Numerically, the first group is by far the largest. It consists of the great mass of the people and consequently represents the simplest-minded part of the nation. It cannot be listed in terms of professions, but at most in general degrees of intelligence. To it belong all those who have neither been born nor trained to think independently, and who partly from incapacity and partly from incompetence believe everything that is set before them in black and white. To them also belongs the type of lazybones who could perfectly well think, but from sheer mental laziness seizes gratefully on everything that someone else has thought, with the modest assumption that the someone else has exerted himself considerably. Now, with all these types, who constitute the great masses, the influence of the press will be enormous. They are not able or willing themselves to examine what is set before them, and as a result their whole attitude toward all the problems of the day can be reduced almost exclusively to the outside influence of others. This can be advantageous when their enlightenment is provided by a serious and truth-loving party, but it is catastrophic when scoundrels and liars provide it.

    The second group is much smaller in number. It is partly composed of elements which previously belonged to the first group, but after long and bitter disappointments shifted to the opposite and no longer believe anything that comes before their eyes in print. They hate every newspaper; either they don’t read it at all, or without exception fly into a rage over the contents, since in their opinion they consist only of lies and falsehoods. These people are very hard to handle, since they are suspicious even in the face of the truth. Consequently, they are lost for all positive, political work.

    The third group, finally, is by far the smallest; it consists of the minds with real mental subtlety, whom natural gifts and education have taught to think independently, who try to form their own judgment on all things, and who subject everything they read to a thorough examination and further development of their own. They will not look at a newspaper without always collaborating [sic] in their minds, and the writer has no easy time of it. Journalists love [sic] such readers with the greatest reserve.

    For the members of this third group, it must be admitted, the nonsense that newspaper scribblers can put down is not very dangerous or even very important. Most of them in the course of their lives have learned to regard every journalist as a rascal on principle, who tells the truth only once in a blue moon. Unfortunately, however, the importance of these splendid people lies only in their intelligence and not in their number — a misfortune at a time when wisdom is nothing and the majority is everything! Today, when the ballot of the masses decides, the chief weight lies with the most numerous group, and this is the first: the mob of the simple or credulous.

    — Mein Kampf, Adolph Clusterfahrt

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