Berkeley is finally putting a stop to the hate crimes of the Founding Fathers
Dean of Students Jeffrey Edleson explained the rationale behind the policy change during a recent press conference.
“Students come to UC Berkeley out of a love of knowledge,” said Edleson. “Out of a desire to expand their horizons, to become wiser, more thoughtful human beings. We, the administrators of this educational facility, take our responsibility to create that growth-friendly environment very seriously. But there’s a difference between walking a hard, uphill path in pursuit of an education, and walking a path filled with land mines. Make no mistake – hate speech is a land mine that kills a student’s drive to learn and grow. Our students shouldn’t live in a world where their curiosity can be killed by the hatefulness of others. Think of our speech code as a minesweeper.”
A minesweeper that is, by some accounts, sorely needed at Berkeley. Studies show that 76% of the students who drop out do so in self-defense after being exposed to hateful words.
One survivor of the experience, Mitzy Anderson, who is neither African American nor Native American, but who self-describes as “very sensitive” to the feelings of both, explained her visceral reaction to the Constitution.
“I was walking across campus the other day,” said Anderson, “and passed by a College Republican table, and they were giving out free copies of the Constitution. I thought ‘that’s the thing that makes people have free speech. I should read that.’ So I took one, and before I knew it, I was reading the ‘I’ word. Ouch! Then there was the part about how African Americans only counted as 3/5ths of a person. SO offensive. 3/5ths is 60%, which, ironically, is what I’m getting in my history class. But at least I’m getting an A in math. Also in my Grievance Studies classes.”
“I very nearly dropped out in self-defense after that experience,” said Anderson, “I mean I was REALLY offended. Fortunately, with this new policy in place, I’ll never have to fear being terrorized that way again.”
“Also,” added Anderson, “I really think they need to ban students from Indiana, too. I’m just not comfortable around people whose home state’s name is 86% racial slur.”
In a late update to this article, Mr. Edleson informed us that campus administrators expected to have that policy in place by month’s end.
CORRECTION: Jeffrey Edleson is not the Dean of Students at Berkeley. He is the Dean of the School of Social Welfare at Berkeley
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It is not ironic that Ms Anderson is getting 60% in her History class. Unless it is a commentary on grade inflation.
60% of what?
So that’s why that Conservative Berkeley guy got a black eye..it’s all beginning to make sense now.
Voted Satire Most Likely To Be A Real Headline Before The Decade Is Out
Year hell…before the month is out!!
I wonder what she would think of my home state, Oklahoma, which translates as: “red people”.
I thought it meant “Surrey With The Fringe On Top.”
Hey, that gives me an idea for the Bernie Sanders SLOTD . . .
Indians not Taxed!?! Just call me Chief Running Bare!
Pingback: UC Berkeley Bans Constitution as ‘Hate Speech’ Over ‘3/5 Person’ and ‘Indians not Taxed’ – Freedom Is Just Another Word…
Snopes to fact check this post in 3…2…1…
“Grievance Studies”? Seriously? Grievance. Studies. And, of course, she’s getting an A in it….because she’s soooooo sensitive. She’s actually melodramatic and prone to hyperbole and histrionics.
I hope this article was satire, otherwise, wow, what a bunch of sissies! Is she serious about Indiana offending her? Good luck in real life honey! SMH
I am Jeffrey Edleson at Berkeley. I am not the Dean of Students, I never held a press conference and did not say the words attributed to me. I am the Dean of the School of Social Welfare and have nothing to do with this story. The reporter got this all very wrong, if in fact the reporter was even on campus or at a press conference.
Or so you say. The new rule is guilty until considered, maybe innocent, but still open to charges, around here!
As the author of this article, I do solemnly affirm that I have been on the campus of UC Berkeley.
You’ve never heard me speak Harvey. I am not the Dean of Students. Please correct your reporting.
Why would anyone speak Harvey? Is that some kind of Klingon dialect?
Elvish.
Thank you, thankyouverymuch.
Mr. Edelson:
Thank you for confirming that all of the 100% totally factual facts in the totally factual story are 100% totally factual. It may surprise you to learn how many people read articles posted under the Parody & Satire category, as this one is, and think that it’s not 100% totally factually factual. Your confirmation of the complete and total accuracy of this completely totally accurate report should help put such misunderstandings to rest. Totally.
Totes.
Make sure U C Berkley receives zero (0) Funds from Federal Government and taxpayers.
They better break out the play doh, Kitties, and coloring books for these snowflakes
Given that 55 ears ago the thug mario savio and his “Goons at the Gate” were attacking America lovers withe their F U C K placards; and were supported by Cal; this is not an unexpected result!
I’m just glad this story is still satire (so far).
I imagine next they’ll ban American flags for triggering liberal snowflakes and making them feel all sad and repressed by the violence inherent in the system.
Unless the flags are on fire… libs do like them some burning flags.
Unless they’re rainbow…
Is burning one of those protected speech? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that discussed.
Burning a “Rainbow” flag is hate speech and, as Joy Behar suggests, something the authorities should arrest you for and is sure fire grounds for impeachment if you are an elected Republican.