Just What Chicago Needs, Government-Owned Grocery Stores
NRO | 18 Sep 2023 | Jim GeraghtyThe city of Chicago — already doing such a terrific job on handling crime, poverty, homelessness, and unemployment — is exploring the possibility of establishing municipally owned grocery stores.
City officials contend that a city-run grocery store would be better because they wouldn’t have to worry about making money. And Mayor Brandon Johnson is enthusiastically embracing the idea…
… 100% guaranteed to stock all of the wokery you would ever want…
… a ready supply of environmentally friendly to-go bags for the discerning looter…
… offering discount cards for all illegal immigrants currently visiting our fair city…
… no need to worry about such mundane things as balancing the register or taking inventory – the stick-up crews and looters will take care of that…
Easy to find stuff on the nearly empty shelves.
Bypasses the huge costs of the government funded welfare department. Instead of needing to send out welfare checks people will bypass the middleman and just get what they need off the shelf.
Since the government works for the people, people can just walk in and fire anyone they want at anytime.
Discounts for frequent shoplifters!
… you can be greeted at the door by disgraced former Senator John “Bluto” Blutarsky : “Grab a brew. Don’t cost nuthin’”
You can work off the community service sentence you got for shoplifting by stocking the shelves.
Advantages of a Government-Run Grocery Store: …
those participating in self check-out will be required to pay dues to the AFSCME.
All the cake you can eat.
That being said, the department of newspeak has just released a memo classifying expired cans of sardines as cake.
With absurdly high prices and low quality, but the miraculous ability to lose money hand over fist despite a lack of competition and requiring tax funding to subsidize it, it will prove how much better communism is than capitalism. Take that you right wing extremists!
With that said:
It’d probably be a great place to work. As I found out as a teenager, everybody has to buy groceries, and as a government worker, you wouldn’t really need to do much actual work. I recommend hanging out by the produce department as it usually has the, ahem, most health conscious, customers.
Advantages of a Government-Run Grocery Store: …
They can always tax the people who don’t shop there to cover the cost for those that do.
In-store security provided by casually dressed FBI agents on the lookout for MAGA looking caucasians.
Completing your shopping list means automatic certification as a MMA fighter and TSA agent.
Solves that homeless problem, but you might want to avoid the toilet paper aisle.
Some people see a man and hope thats mud
A gansta’s made outta fentanyl and blood
Hepatitis,sores, skin and bones
A mind that’s weak ,a need to steal is strong,
You load 16 grams, what do you get?
Another day of not given a shet,
Cops cant stop me, ’cause I wanna go
Gonna hold up the guvmint store