- Put the pillows in disposable plastic so if your disgusting guests put their lice- and bedbug-infested hair on them there will be minimal damage.
- Same with the sheets.
- Sit in the living room at all times cleaning your hunting rifles.
- Pets OK, but no cobalt-doped carbon dots (and no pooftahs).
* And no showers lasting more than 5 minutes. This isn’t a spa.
Don’t show up at 2:57 when you know damned well check-in is at 3:00.
Like 5’6″ Nick Saban is frightening to anyone other than a football player.
No hanky panky.
Umm… that’s sort of one of the main reason’s to rent an place.
Keep good records for the annual massive tax write-off
Leave mints on the pillows. It’s a cute touch, and gives the lice and bedbugs something to eat during the periods between occupants
Honeymooners, especially, would freak out if they left a pile of fresh crispy bacon for them. 🥓
…don’t…
Pro tip: use the address to someone else’s house.
Do not search for hidden cameras, believe me, I’ll know.
Hostel rates should not vary due to victim or psychopath status to avert suspicion.
Put guests at ease by wearing a Not The Gimp tee-shirt.
Don’t call it the “Honeymoon House”, and for goodness sakes, don’t put Folger’s crystals in the starbucks bag.
Has the sour cream in the fridge acquired a sickly green color? Just re-label the container as guacamole.