I’m on the Michael Moore mailing list, and I got this today:
11/5/04
That is correct. I won’t fisk that.
Dear Friends,
I hate you.
Aww… that not true. You’re now an amusing idiot.
Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let’s, in
the words of Monty Python, ‘always look on the bright side of life!’ There
IS some good news from Tuesday’s election.
Yeah, an increase in Senate seats and House seats for the Republicans plus a mandate for Bush. Boo-yeah!
Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:
Wow. I could only think of four.
1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.
No. Remember how you said he stole the first election? That means he was only legitimately elected once and can run again.
2. Bush’s victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since
Woodrow Wilson in 1916.
And he got a majority of the vote, something even the lecherous hillbilly never achieved.
3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults
(Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always
wrong and you should never listen to them.
Don’t worry; once the young get jobs, reality will hit them and they’ll become more conservative. Plus, the Roe Effect will keep the youth vote even more conservative in the future.
4. In spite of Bush’s win, the majority of Americans still think the
country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn’t worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don’t try to figure this one out. It’s an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
Other American things: courage, resolve, and strength. Moore’s followers shouldn’t try to figure those out either.
5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the
Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won’t be able to pack the
Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say “if the Democrats do
their job?” Um, maybe better to scratch this one.
Heh. Sometimes you are amusing. You should make another movie like Canadian Bacon.
6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of
our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West
Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that’s a start. We’ve got most of the fresh water,
all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in
lava. And no more show tunes!
Now you’re just getting silly. Look at what percentage of gun owners voted Bush before you start making threats.
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any
old nut — a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut.
May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.
That’s just spite speaking.
8. 88% of Bush’s support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will
no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn’t such a long time! If
you’re ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly
golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.
And minorities are gradually voting more Republican. In 50 years, you’ll only find Democrats in the history books.
9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married
in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won’t
have to buy now.
I think this blow to Moore has made him funnier. I can now remember the days I didn’t intensely hate him (and then I think of his disgusting letter right after 9/11).
10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress,
including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It’s always good to
have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates
can’t.
Shouldn’t talk of Cynthia McKinney gone under that part where you spoke of poisonous nuts? Maybe she’ll start accusing Bush of knowing he was going to be reelected.
11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!
I never drank Coors, but this still hurts. I wanted a five seat Senate gain. Well, phooey.
12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don’t want them to go away.
Well, liberals and conservatives can agree on one thing. That’s heartening.
13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3
chambers in Tuesday’s elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state
legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the
2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53
chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47
chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber
(Montana House) is still undecided.
You lost me with that one. Who got elected to what now?
14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than
the one he’s having this week. It’s all downhill for him from here on out —
and, more significantly, he’s just not going to want to do all the hard work
that will be expected of him. It’ll be like everyone’s last month in 12th
grade — you’ve already made it, so it’s party time! Perhaps he’ll treat the
next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the
ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn’t he? He’s already proved his
point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.
Yeah, he sure kicked your ass, but the lame duck is quite a stretch. With the increased majorities in the Legislature and no worries of reelection, expect more hell for you left-wing nuts. You’re going to squeal like pigs when we’re done!
15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very
dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two
scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn’t ever need to pander to the
Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear
that he should spend these last four years building “a legacy” so that
history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for
too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and
arrogant — and thus, reckless — that he will commit a blunder of such
major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from
office.
Or people will love him even more such that your pathetic voices of doomsaying fade so far into the background as to not be heard anymore.
Ah, feel that sweet silence.
16. There are nearly 300 million Americans — 200 million of them of voting
age. We only lost by three and a half million! That’s not a landslide — it
means we’re almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards
to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of
those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go
home crying — especially when you get to start the next down on the three
yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are
coming!!!
I don’t care if you have three yards or one yard to go; we’re going to sack the crap out of you. Hell, we’ll knock you back twelve more yards. More violent sport analogies to come.
17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the
candidate dubbed “The #1 Liberal in the Senate.” That’s more than the total
number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore.
Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for
a trend it should be this — that so many Americans were, for the first time
since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has
always been filled with evangelicals — that is not news. What IS news is
that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact,
that’s BIG news. Which means, don’t expect the mainstream media, the ones
who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November
2, 2004. In fact, it’s better that they don’t. We’ll need the element of
surprise in 2008.
Don’t call Kerry a liberal; you’re trying to scare people by labeling him that. He ran from that label as will everyone else as it is the kiss of death and always will be. Even with all the MSM on his side, people still saw the truth and voted that way.
Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, “My
Romanian grandfather used to say to me, ‘Remember, Morton, this is such a
wonderful country — it doesn’t even need a president!'”
Actually, that’s a sweet saying.
But it needs us. Rest up, I’ll write you again tomorrow.
I’ll be waiting!
Yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com
Oh yeah, you’re fat!
Anyway, I need to remember to pick up the Team America soundtrack on the way home…
Dare I say….”First!”
there are no words to how much i hate that man
i’ll settle for a howard dean yowl…
YEAEAEEEAAARRRHHHGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam
If michael moore died, this week would be perfect.
OK, now that that point is settled, I’ll add my comments…
In points 16 and 17 Moore makes classic faults in statistical reasoning.
In point 16, he says There are nearly 300 million Americans — 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million!
One cannot lay claim to how any of the non-voting Americans might have voted. It could have gone either way. And “voting age” Americans do not matter–only Americans who bothered to both register and vote. Apples and oranges here.
On point 17, Moore compares the raw number of Kerry 2004 voters against those who supported Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. This might be “Nice-to-Know” information, but without mentioning the number of registered voters in each of these election years, it is meaningless. I don’t think too many would argue his point (however muddled) that the electorate was energized this year, but again, Moore’s argument is specious.
But then I’m repeating myself, aren’t I?
’17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the
candidate dubbed “The #1 Liberal in the Senate.”‘
No you bulbous baboon, they voted against W, not FOR #1Lib.
yeah more people voted for kerry that’s true….but a HELL of a lot MORE (not to be confused with moore) people voted for bush…plus i had a provisional vote…i am guessing many more votes were uncounted and they didn’t even bother finishing the electorals. so i’d have to say Bush had more votes next to his name to make the margin bigger…even if it was 51-47 percent it’d still widen the gap by millions.
… more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. Would this be due in any small part that there are more people now, period?
That’s kind of wordy, isn’t it? Why can’t I come up with something pithy like “you bulbous baboon?”
OXOXO,
shadowm
(responsible for the “John Kerry, Assassin” posts on many forums across the country)
ps: Frank? After all the compliments I’ve paid you on your stuff, how about setting me up for a date with Ann Coulter?
Other reasons MM can look on the bright side.
1. My new status as yesterdays news allows me to become a cast member on the Surreal Life.
2. Bush’s attempt at world domination will cause Mcdonalds to pop up everywhere in the world I travel. I like Mcdonalds.
3. I can’t lie. The tax cuts rule.
hope you didn’t spend too much time on this Frank. That wasn’t a fisk, that was a back rub.
And fire your proofreader.
What an idiot! What a buffoon! Ohio State doesn’t play Michigan this Saturday.
Cynthia McKinney’s (re-)election to Congress did nothing to increase the number of African-Americans in the House, as that seat was formerly held by Denise Majette, another black woman (who took the seat from McKinney in the last election, but was seized this year by delusions that she could beat Republican Johnny Isaakson in a race for the Senate seat being vacated by the retiring Zell Miller.)
4. In spite of Bush’s win, the majority of Americans still think the
country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn’t worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don’t try to figure this one out. It’s an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
Of course we failed to mention that these numbers come from polls conducted byters the same polls that indicated a Kerry win, didn’t we Michael?
Mkae that by the same pollsters
“14. Bush is now a lame duck president.”
I see Mr. Moore knowledge of American Politics is as complete as ever. A ‘Lame Duck’ president refers to a president who LOST their re-election bid during the time between the election and the inauguration.
Lessee. 2 guzzinta 2, carry the naught, cipher on… Hmmn. Bush won by 537 votes in 2000. Bush won by 3.5 million in 2004. Yeah, I see the trend? I think.
Lame duck my arse. He’s an eagle and baby he’s gonna fly. Don’t look up now Mr. Moore or you’ll get poop in your eye!! AND…John Kerry didn’t not run as a liberal, did he now???? He tried to hide his true colors and where did it get him?? Back in the senate I believe.
“Look at what percentage of gun owners voted Bush before you start making threats.” -Frank
That’s also something the lefties at the DU need to consider before they threaten revolution. HA!
16.
Actually, your three and half million votes is now 4.6 million votes and climbing, but its ok, I know statistics hurt your head Mike
everyone go see michael moore hates america..
Boy. Moore sure is in good spirits. Did anyone else get the impression that he secretly voted for Bush? I mean, how else is he going to get anybody to pay money for his crap for another four years?
I think that Bush actually won by 4.7 million votes, not 3.5, but I’ll have to double check that…
I’m not sure I get the narrowest victory since Wilson thing… He won by roughly 3.5 million popular votes, while the Ford/Carter 1976 election was decided by roughly 1 million popular votes. Is this one of those fake but accurate things?
MrMan: “I know statistics hurt your head Mike” – Interpreting statistics. Its an American thing, like hating Michael Moore.
All I have to say about Mike is:
Farenheit 911 was obviously a massive failure in its attempt to discredit Bush. I went to see it and I demand back whatever cut of my ticket you personally got, along with the 2 hours of my life that I put up with retards who hooted and hollered at your every word.
MUCK FOORE in ’04
Dittos on the above “lame duck” comments. Edwards is certainly a lame duck senator, and you could even call Kerry one too, but Moore is (as usual) factually incorrect.
What he should have added to his list of Happy Thoughts was the fact that maybe Kerry will regularly attend Senate now (you know, actually do his paying job?).
Daschle’s gone, Edwards is gone, I like that trend.
The Buckeyes are at Michigan State. Let’s hope their newest QB can handle the challenge and give Jabba the Fat Bastard Hut something else to moan about.
So many Democrats getting de-elected. If they don’t figure out a goal, they’re in danger of becoming history.
My buttocks tingle with anticipation at the possibility of political shifting.
My other wild and crazy dream is that liberal nutballs will read the census report and realize that the Republican voters can’t possibly all be unwashed back country hicks.
for a guy from “flint, michigan” he really should realize that michigan state, who the bucks played this week, is not the same as michigan, who we play on the 21st(i think). (lambert field?)
by the way, buckeyes 32; spartans 19.
i’d also like to add, as a buckeye, i would like to personally thank mr moore for his prediction on this year’s OSU-Michigan game (if that is the game he was actually refering to). i have seen his track record on predictions, and i’ll now be placing a few bets for my beloved bucks. as anyone who’s visited columbus in november might know, even three straight losses early in the season, is more than made up for with just one win over those maize and blue bastards
sorry, correction:
the OSU-Michigan is on the 20th, be sure to make the proper adjustments when programming your VCR. (or your tivo if you’re a child of privelage)
p.s. i don’t know how to spell privelage, but i do know that michael moore is a tard
Did any one go to the link and see what was posted under this slob’s 17 reasons essay? His thoughts were sarcastically listed in the form of the names of the service men and women (volunteers all) who gave their lives to keep Islamic fascism away from North American shores. And then he has the gall to to hope that they will forgive us.
If anyone needs forgiveness it is the man that for his own self-agrandisement has cheapened their sacrafice with his very existence on this planet.
Michigan State lost to Ohio. Oh, well, another Moore prediction down the drain.
Moore’s sick love of the green filth is actually fitting. Like the dems, they looked good through most of the battle, but had it handed to them in the last minutes.
You Colombus Bush faithfull are going to have to settle for just the one victory in November. Be of good cheer; it’s one more than you usually get.
Note to fat blob: Michigan went democrat by a smaller margin this time. If you look at the county by county, Kerry only won something like 15 of 83 counties here. West Michigan is way more conservative than the east side, and is growing ( unlike the poor welfare and union infected east side). We passed the ban on gay marriage, and made it so local elections must be held to expand non-indian gambling. We still have a Republican dominated state House and Senate, and the commie Granmole has to pretend she is moderate to conservative. So put that in your donut trough and inhale it.
BTW, has anyone calculated how many calories it takes to maintain Michael “oh my god, that is a big fat ass” Moore’s weight? And how many starving third world kids could be fed by diverting those calories? Just curious.
Dudes (and ladies ;o)), take it easy. It’s obvious that this is just a bunch of over-optimistic hopemongering on the part of Our Blob Flint. Moore’s just doing what he does best: spin, spin, spin the evidence before him until it tells him what he and his followers want to hear. It’s actually kind of heartening to think that he’s as drunk on the Kool Aid as his followers are, instead of it being a case of him cynically manipulating them just to affect the outcome of elections. If he really believes the smoke he’s blowing, he’s going to be in for a long series of disappointments in the years to come.
Michael Moore isn’t even from Flint, he just pretends he is so he can be cool like all those crazy black people!~!1`
Anyways, it only makes since that someone as deranged and insane as Michael Moore would be a big State fan…
To be honest I was kind of hoping the combined crushing defeats of October 30th (Michigan over Michigan State) and November 2nd (You know ;P) would drive him into a suicidial depression.
my 17 helpful suggestions for Michael Moore:
1: Down, not across.
2: Down, not across.
3: Down, not across.
4: Down, not across.
5: Down, not across.
6: Down, not across.
7: Down, not across.
8: Down, not across.
9: Down, not across.
10: Down, not across.
11: Down, not across.
12: Down, not across.
13: Down, not across.
14: Down, not across.
15: Down, not across.
16: Down, not across.
17: Down, not across.
The 2004 presidential election was the last one where Colorado,Nevada,New Mexico and Virginia voted for a Republican 11/21/20.