Previous Episode

“Fahrenheit 9/11 was a real eye-opener for me,” Osama said on the broadcast, “I mean, I hated and wanted to kill all Americans before then, but now I’m really disgusted by Bush’s incompetence. Anyway, I just want to echo P. Diddy’s message and say, ‘Vote Or Die,’ but also add, ‘Vote And Die.’ I’m pretty set on killing you either way. I would like to add that I think Kerry would make a much better leader for your destruction than Bush; Kerry seems like a good man. I’ll kill him last.”
“Taunting me just before the election,” Bush said as he shook his fist at the screen. “I’ll show him by getting reelected, capturing him, and then strangling him with an extension cord. I even picked out the cord; boy was Laura angry when I unplugged it while she was watching her soaps.”
Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “We must focus on the battleground states. If Kerry takes them and becomes president, it will be doom… DOOM! Or, even worse, another Carter.”
“I won’t let that happen,” Bush said firmly, “That’s why I have Schwarzenegger and Giuliani getting my message out. Cheney even sped out to one state when we found out it could be in our column.

Cheney sat near a beach in Hawaii drinking a Mai Tai. “Now this is campaigning.”
Some Hawaiians walked up to Cheney. “We will only vote for Bush if you can best our champion in a surfing competition.”
Cheney quickly finished his Mai Tai in one last gulp. “Ah, hell.”

“Also,” Bush told Rove, “to make sure we aren’t held up by false charges of voter intimidation, I sent Rumsfeld’s dog and U.N. peacekeeper Chomps to monitor heavily Democrat districts.”

“No one has been able to enter the polling place,” said the anchorwoman, “Due to a violent rottweiler in a blue helmet attacking anyone who comes near. Some describe the dog as ‘angry,’ while others describe him as ‘very angry.'”

“Plus, I sent Condi to appeal to Latino voters.”

Condoleezza Rice smiled unconvincingly. “So who likes salsa?”

“She’s Latino, right?” Bush asked, “I forget what defines that.”
“Let’s not worry about that,” Rove answered, “We also need to try and win some Democrats.”
“I deployed Rumsfeld to do just that,” Bush said proudly.

“Numerous Democrats have been found dead,” the anchorman reported, “Possibly victims of the so-called ‘Rumsfeld Strangler.’ Democrats are cautioned to stay indoors and, under no circumstances, vote.”

“You need to answer the charges of the missing explosives,” Rove cautioned.
“I’ve been telling the press that they’re in my garage!” Bush shouted, “They’re only interested in making me look bad, though! When I get reelected, I vow to destroy them!”
“The destruction of the mainstream media has already been predicted in the Book of Punditry,” Rove answered, “Quote, ‘The media shall collapse under its own weight, and the truth shall be told by those in pajamas.’ So keep your concern on this election. It must be known to the people that Kerry and Edwards are too incompetent to take on the terrorist threat.”

“Inject my face with more botulism and paint me orange again!” Kerry ordered, “I must look my best for when I’m elected!”
“And make sure to set aside five hours to ensure my hair look fab-U-lous!” Edwards said.

“Then all that’s left to do is to go out there and prove I’m extra competent,” Bush said, “Hopefully the American people will be smart enough to recognize that.” Bush then turned to head out to campaign.
“Good luck to you,” Rove said, “but one last thing.”
“What?”
“Remember to put on some pants.”
Bush looked down. “Oh yeah.”
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW IN A REAL WORLD NEAR YOU