Archive of entries posted on 10th November 2004

The New Attorney General

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So, Alberto Gonzales is the next Attorney General. He better be loco, if you know what I mean. Ashcroft made the liberals frothing at the mouth mad, and anyone less extreme in the AG position will be seen as a victory to them. I was really hoping Bush would nominate either Dirty Harry or the Punisher – people who would go after criminals with no regard to the law. I guess Janet Reno really set a high bar; rumors had it that, if someone questioned her, she’d lift him into the air and crush his head between her two mighty palms.
I still shudder when I think of her.

Happy Birthday

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Today, the day before Veteran’s Day, is the 229th birthday of the U.S. Marines. A happy birthday to them, and I guess there’s no better way to spend it than clearing out the scum in Fallujah.
UPDATE: Here’s a great article from the NY Post to go with the celebration.
UPDATE 2: Reader curt sent in this joke:

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie
Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when
they were captured by cannibals.
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The
chief said, “I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last
requests?”
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot,
spicy chili.” The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my
work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing “We
Shall Overcome” one last time.” The chief said, “Go right ahead, we’re
listening.” Jackson sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”
Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end.”
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”
The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.
“What?” said the chief. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the
Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his
waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to
his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with
gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just
shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”
“What!?” said the Marine, “And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!”

In My World: Window Shopping

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“Time to spend that political capital, people,” Bush told his staff, “That’s why I called all of you who ain’t resigned yet together. First off, I’d like to thank Rover for this great victory.”
Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “My evil power grows. Muh ha ha ha!”
“That’s super,” Bush remarked, and looked back to his staff. “Now, let’s think of some ideas of what to do next. Remember, I hate people who disagree with me and find it funny when I do stuff that makes them whine. So, who has an idea?” Bush looked around. “Rummy, you have your hand up. What are your thoughts?”
“War!” Rumsfeld yelled.
“Against who?”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted as he motioned to a map of the world.
“There will be plenty of time for more war in the next four years, but we have to be more focused than just decimating the entire world,” Bush said, “Who do you think the worst threat is?”
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. “I don’t like North Korea. Their poofy-haired leader’s neck begs daily for my hands to wrap around it and squeeze it until he’s dead.”
“That might be a good idea,” Bush stated, “The troops are getting tired of just killing Islamic extremists, so Commie kill’n might be a nice change of pace.”
“Plus, they have WMD’s,” Condoleezza added.
“I’m not falling for that trick again,” Bush responded, “If we’re going to war with North Korea, let’s make it clear that it’s just to steal their oil.”
“Actually, I have my own idea,” Condi said, “Why don’t we punish Old Europe for being unfaithful to us. I have a plan for overthrowing Paris. Based on their defenses, it should take just five armed Marines and a Humvee. Then, we can raid the treasures of the Louvre. I certainly wouldn’t mind the Mona Lisa on my wall.”
“Nah, I don’t like art,” Bush answered, “Except for a fish – a fish that sings.” Bush chuckled. “What dark times you’ve gotten me through, Big Mouth Billy Bass.”
“I have an idea,” Scott McClellan said, “I have to deal with the press everyday, and it would be great if they were a little more fair and not so mean. So maybe…”
“That’s a great idea!” Bush shouted, “Let’s round up and execute the press!”
“That wasn’t quite what I…”
“We’ll hold a big press conference to lead them into a trap!” Condi declared, a devilish glint in her eyes.
“I just meant that we should…”
“The streets will flow with their blood!” Rumsfeld yelled.
“That’s a little extreme. I just wanted…”
“Then it’s settled,” Bush stated, “We’ll execute the press under the ‘McClellan Murder the Press’ Act.”
“But, uh…”
Laura Bush entered the room. “Since you are all so hard at work, I made you Rice Krispie treats.”
“Hooray!” Bush squealed with glee.
Laura started handing the treats out. “So what did you all decide on?”
“We’re going to kill the press!” Bush exclaimed.
“That’s a horrible idea!” Laura shouted, “Who thought of something so evil.”
Everyone pointed to Scott.
“Then no treat for you!” Laura declared as she took away the Rice Krispie treat from Scott’s grasp.
“Aww,” Scott moaned, “I hate this administration.”