Latin night. Also known as Producers Hate SarahK Night #34,847. Oooooh! The cast of Drive, including Nathan Fillion! I heart him.
That’s about all I care about on this show anymore — Nathan Fillion being in the audience. Gina is gone. Chris Sligh is gone. Melinda should win but probably won’t, because some people will be distracted by LaKisha’s Breasts, Jordin’s Smile, Sanjaya’s Hair, Pennywise’s Reflective Head, and Haley’s Hoo-Hah. Oh yeah, Blake’s my 2nd fave, voice wise, but I don’t want to buy the crappy electronikka CD he’ll want to put out–if he would just sing and look nice and stuff, I would be happy, but he really likes the digital, yo. Jordin could be my 3rd favorite of those left, but I’m afraid she’d want to do bubble-gum pop, and, um–ew. Chris R is probably my #2 (based on the fact that I wouldn’t like Blake’s and Jordin’s CDs) of those left, but he’s been in the bottom two so often and makes bad song choices (according to America) often enough that Haley’s Hoo-hah will flash him right out way too early anyway.
So yeah, I don’t care. Bring on Sanjaya’s bad hair decision of the week so I can throw up my dinner already.
Oh, and for Latin week, it’s Jenny from the Block. J-Lo. Didn’t she grow up in the very Latino Bronx? Just for clarification purposes. I mean, I’m too lazy to google it (google it), but y’all can if you want. I’m going straight from rote. Whew, big words! I have to occupy myself somehow with this boring show now that there’s no one to get excited about.
For the record, I like J-Lo as an actress, don’t care for her as a singer, and avoid her tabloid shenanigans like the plague, because oh my.
Why not say who is your favorite, Miss Lo? Please! Do something interesting before I change the channel!
Oh, um–Latin music? Yeah, not so much. Please keep it in Latinastan and don’t subject me to it. Oh, I guess I said that in my first line.
01 Melinda is singing “Sway”, an incredibly boring Latin song. She did her hair up like a grama. J-Lo told her to be sultry and sexy, and Melinda says that will be hard for her, because she’s so not sexy. I’m a little tense until she comes out. She’s obviously going for sexy this week. She is sexy in a sleek black dress, but she’s still modest. Kudos there. Say, Melinda, there’s this girl named Haley. You should give her a tip about how to be sexy without flashing the goodies to the world. This is sultry and whatnot, but incredibly boring, but it’s Latin music, so I suspect one of the best of the night. We’ll see. She almost doesn’t hit the end note right, but she just makes it, barely. It was a yawner but mostly spotless. Other than the hair, she looks fantastic, probably the best she’s dressed any night of the competition. RANDY: Yeah, dawg. Not one of your best, but yeah. PAULA: Sultry, sexy, you look lovely. You didn’t have to wow us. SIMON: Well it had to happen, Melinda. I didn’t like it. I’ll tell you why. That song is all about personality. You appeared much older than you are. At this stage, you have to put on a wow-factor performance every week. I think you’re better than that. RYAN: Were you worried what Simon would say? MELINDA: Actually, I’m happy, because he really wanted to say something bad, and he got the chance. (Even Simon can’t help himself, he laughs.) SARAHK: BTW, your lipstick is way too red.
02 Wow, that is a DWTS dress that Kiki is wearing tonight with her giant breasts bursting out of the seams. My bad, I only saw the boob part of it while she was sitting. It’s just loud like the DWTS dresses. Ok, so we’ve had all these legends on the show–Tony Bennett, Diana Ross, Lulu, et al–and LaKisha has ignored every bit of advice from them (no, I’ma do my own thang, because I’m Kiki tha Great). Now we have J-Lo… J-LO!!! And LaKisha is all over that advice! Show me how to move, I’ll do it. How do I pronounce conga, Miss Latina from the Block? Oh no. I was wrong. She didn’t take the advice on how to pronounce conga. Would it be wrong of me to advise her on not wearing dresses that accentuate the backfat? Sorry, but I have backfat, and I don’t wear dresses in which the backfat spills out over the back edge of the dress. At least not on purpose. No, I just can’t let it go. Bad form. The song, the song. It’s Latin crap. I hated it when Gloria and the Miami Vice or whoever did it, and I hated it this time. Yuck. Nothing good about it, nothing special. Boring and safe and frankly, I was too distracted by the above to even hear the mediocrity. Please, where is Gina? RANDY: Yo, check it out, whatever we were missing with Melinda, here it is, you brought it, that was hot, welcome back. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: You look lovely. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: I didn’t love it as much as Randy did. I felt it was very safe. I’m ready for you to bring it again. We love ya. SIMON: Do you agree? KIKI: Not so much. SARAHK: Come again? SIMON: I agree with Pauler. It was safe. The dancing wasn’t very good. (Kiki looks shocked by this.)

Rascal Flatts, Annie Lennox, Il Divo, EW&F, Josh Groban (i think), Kelly Clarkson will be on the charity event this month.
BTW, Paula is not wearing a lace doilie on her bodice tonight. A change from the last few weeks. The collagen and lip-gloss factor is high, though.
You know… J-Lo is one of the better “mentors” they’ve had. She’s involved and giving advice and correcting the children and everything. Who knows, by the end of the night I may be saying, “Can we have her on every night?” while also repeating for the 1,247th time, “Please let’s never ever ever do Latin night again!”
03 Chris R is doing “Smooth”, which is a total copout, if you ask me. Yeah sure, it’s guitar by Santana, but he’s doing it because of the Rob Thomas vocals. This song does not scream “Latin flair” to me. Whatever. Right away Jenny (we’re old friends, because I’ve seen every one of her movies, including Monster-in-Law, and that’s saying something, though truth be told, I did that for Michael Vartan and struggling against Hanoi Jane the whole way–it sucked, in case you’re wondering)… Anyway, Jenny right away corrects his pronunciation of a word lest he embarrass himself in front of his voting base of Latina girls and they withhold their votes. Then she takes the song up a whole step for him. Hmm, see when he strains at the top edge, he can sound whiny, so I hope she’s not sabotaging him on purpose. We’ll see. Chris is onstage with the drummer and guitarist. Oh goodness. If she hadn’t raised it, he wouldn’t have been able to get most of the song out, because it was still way too low as is. The whole song, he sounded hoarse and like he was struggling. Frank wasn’t looking when the song started, and when he looked up, he was surprised to see it wasn’t Sanjaya. Ouch. That is so RUDE, Frank! He’s got the Bobbing Microphone Disease yet again. I’m going to beat him over the head with a microphone one day if he doesn’t permanently attach that thing to within an inch of his face. RARRR! I have to rewind after hearing the judges’ vast praise. No, it was still pretty mediocre the second time. Not worthy of the confetti parade being thrown by the judges. RANDY: Really good job, very cool. PAULA: It was a hot, hot performance. What am I gonna say? It was sexy! SIMON: I’m not gonna say it was the best vocal I ever heard, but it was more contemporary than the first two. The first two were a bit hotel cabaret. I liked this better.
04 Hoo-Hah is singing “Turn the Beat Around”. Blake came in during rehearsal to provide beatboxery so Haley could keep beat without the drummer. So no internal rhythm for that one. Oh wow. I was already having seizures before she started, and after that horrific performance of a song that should be boxed like a bad Cylon, I imagine things will only get worse in SarahK’s Neuronland. Awful awful awful. Wow. Need I even describe the outfit? I’ll just skip it. RANDY: Oh wow. Keepin’ it real, being honest, dude? That was very karaoke for me. Could have been anywhere, any bar. PAULA: It’s not a singer’s song, but it’s a fun song. You were having fun up there. SARAHK: I was not having fun, Pauler. SIMON: I think you have a very good tactic at the moment, Haley. Wear the least amount of clothes possible, because you can’t compete in this competition as a singer. It was so rushed at the end. SARAHK: Let’s rush her out this week, can we?
Only half-way done? Good grief. This is the part where I would curse if I were the cursing type.
WH Pennywise the Clown is singing “Maria Maria”. I don’t remember what advice J-Lo gave him. I was tuning out, because I don’t enjoy him. Plus I was looking for a poster to link for you. I cannot believe I’m going to say this. Until the end when his voice cracked, that was actually one of his best performances, and maybe the best of the night. Because no one else is doing anything exciting. Did I mention it’s Latin night? I hope Sanjaya does the Macarena. That would be so freaking awesome. Please, Sanjaya. Do the Macarena. Please. Pretty please. Oh please. RANDY: A’ight, so, I don’t know if it was your best. Jennifer was right, I don’t know if you connected with the passion, and you had some cracks at the end. It didn’t all come together for me. What you think, Paula? PAULA: Other than the cracks at the end, I thought it was a really good vocal. SIMON: Phil, you’re a nice guy. SARAHK: Come again? Did you miss when he skipped out on the birth of his baby to audition for American Idol? That excludes him from the Nice Guy Club. SIMON: Your voice cracked towards the end, there’s nothing I can get particularly excited about. Sorry. PHIL: I’d just like to say my daughter just got a stuffed animal cow, and she calls it Simon Cowell. SARAHK: Don’t bring up the daughter. It’s a reminder that you weren’t there for the birth, you idiot. That just knocked you down a couple of notches on the night. Stupid.
06 Jordin. Inane Viewer Email. If she were in charge of choosing next week’s theme, what would it be? ’80s music. Oooh! Me too, and Haley could sing “Like a Virgin”! It would be snarktastic. Let’s do it. She’s singing “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You”, because the contestants apparently think that Gloria Estefan is the only Latin artist ever. J-Lo says she’s doing it with a Michael Jackson flair. Oh yes, I can’t wait for that. Gloria Estefan and Jacko tied up in one. Shoot me first, ok? I hated it. Because I can’t stand Gloria Estefan music. Remember Gloria Estefan night? Hated it hated it hated it. Boring, Latin, and dumb. What’s with all the contestants telling the fans “I love you!” when their telly numbers are being said tonight? Is that a new Nigel requirement? Ew. Stop it. RANDY: That was the YO Factor on BLAST! PAULA: I love that you don’t care about anything except you. You’re adorable. SIMON: I feel the same way I’ve felt all night. So-so. Too many ad-libs. No progression.
07 Blake is singing “I Need to Know” by J-Lo’s hubby. J-Lo tells him to actually feel the song or something like that. He looks awful, like he just stepped off a Caribbean cruise with his 75 year-old wife. That hat was bought off a women’s hat rack. The singing was the best so far, and since only Sanjaya is left, I’m gonna go with best of the night. The dancing was atrocious. RANDY: So check it. Best song choice of the night. Hot. PAULA: Very smart performance. Just captured who you are. Excellent. SIMON: Best choice of song of the night. Best performance so far. SARAHK: Agreed, but let’s put it into perspective: it’s Latin night, and Latin night is just reason #348 we should invade Mexico and Venezuela. gasp Did I type that? Bad SarahK. Oh well. Anyway, yes, you win the night. Woopee. Get a stylist.
08 Sanjaya is singing “Besame Mucho”, a song which I hate with almost as much passion as I hate las cucarachas. Are we still on Latin night? Ugh, if I close my eyes, it’s not awful. Excuse me, Sanjaya? You got something on your face. Right there above your lip and under your otherlip. Here, I have a napkin if you’d like it. No, really, don’t borrow it, you can just keep it. No need to return it. Anyway, eyes closed, it’s not terrible, almost good even. Maybe he should try ballads sitting down and never move not a tic on the stage. Because when he moves, he loses his breath quickly and I fear he’s going to pass out immediately. Oh no, SarahK, don’t type it. Don’t. NO! I must. He was one of the better ones tonight, if I ignore the Fudgesicle on his face and the horrible song. Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya, SarahK. RANDY: You’re one of the smartest contestants I’ve ever met. That was really good! It was! PAULA: Smooth. That was very nice. It was. Very nice. SIMON: Right. I couldn’t understand a word of it. SARAHK: You mean the Spanish? SIMON: You sang like a fourteen year-old. SARAHK: And wore a mustache and goatee like a ten year-old. Holy crap, that Atomic Fireball is smoking hot. SIMON: And I’m gonna hate myself for this. It wasn’t horrible. (Sanjaya’s neckid-guitar-playing sister is so happy in the audience. Welcome, google hits.) RYAN: Do you realize how painful that was for him to say? SANJAYA: I’m sure it was horrifying for him. RYAN: And Simon, he’s completely unaware of the cameras. (Ryan impersonates the Sanjaya camera-ahem-hump.)
Latin Snoozefest order:
07 Blake, the clear winner*, even though Latin night total stunk worse than my colon, and I have celiac disease.
08 Sanjaya, and no, I can’t believe it either. I’m going to hell for it. Straight to hell. Buy our t-shirt to keep me out of hell.
WH Phil even though his voice cracked. It kept me sort-of awake.
01 Melinda
03 Chris R
06 Jordin
02 LaKisha and her backfat
04 Haley and her Hoo-Hah
Bottom three prediction: Haley, Chris, Phil. Going home: finally Haley.