WASHINGTON (AP) – Hailed by its supporters as a victory for equality, Congressional Democrats passed the “Some Are More Equal Than Others Act“, which – if passed in the Senate and signed by President Trump – would give lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals specific rights not available to all US citizens.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the bill’s biggest champion, took the time to celebrate the bill’s passage.

“For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country,” said Pelosi. “No more will people be discriminated against based on who they love. Unless they love God and believe what He said about ‘shall not lie with a man‘. That stuff has always been just flat-out crackers. And now it’ll be a crime to say out loud. I’m pretty sure. I haven’t actually read the bill.”

While no one has actually read the bill, or considered all its possible unintended consequences, its proponents are certain it will hand them sugar plum dreams on a unicorn cloud of equality and acceptance, while giving them a big legal hammer to toe-smash anyone who’s allergic to government-regulated peace and harmony.

Paisley Celestia, who organized an activist campaign in favor of the bill, expressed her relief at the progress this bill’s passage represented.

“For decades,” said Celestia, “our country has known nothing but discrimination against people of different sexual preferences, orientations, choices, terminologies, tastes, and smells. Ya know, I read about how people used to discriminate by forcing people of a certain description I’m not sure if it’s OK to say out loud on the record to use separate facilities. They had to use separate doors and separate bathrooms. Ever notice that everywhere you go, there are STILL two separate bathrooms? How is that not the same?”

“Also,” added Celestia, “look over there – TWO drinking fountains. One high, one low. Even without signs, I can guess which one the patriarchy wants the ‘inferiors’ to drink out of.”

Bob Cratchit of the ‘Twice Shy Christian Bakery’ said his concern is whether the new law, if passed, would force him out of business.

“Last year,” Cratchit said, “I had a guy who wanted a wedding cake for ‘Adam and Steve’, and I suggested politely that he might want to go to ‘Bakegayry’ next door. Nope, he just sued me for discrimination. Took 200 large in lawyers fees to get him off my back. I’m frankly terrified that this bill is gonna make this a weekly event.”

“On the other hand,” shrugged Cratchit, “there IS a booming demand for gay divorce cakes. Maybe I should expand my horizons.”

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