OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – Early in this dicey presidential election season, a Democrat party in disarray holds debate after mind-numbing debate, looking for leadership that everyone can feel confident in. A survey of likely voters among the nation’s liberals indicates that no one wants to commit to any one candidate this early in the process. The only name that comes up consistently as a favorite is the name of the last Democrat to win a general election debate against a Republican – Barack Obama. A man, who, unfortunately for his supporters, is constitutionally ineligible to run again.

However, there is another candidate who once stood toe-to-toe with a formidable – some would say “legendary” – Republican. And this candidate not only held his own, but was actually declared the winner by serious progressive news organizations like the New York Times, MSNBC, and even in an editorial in The Weekly World News by Batboy himself.

All of which explains why it is no surprise that The Chair debated by Clint Eastwood during the 2012 Republican Convention is showing unprecedented momentum in the polls, to the point of opening up 6 to 12 point leads in the majority of recent surveys.

“I’ve always had great respect for The Chair for the way he stood his ground against Eastwood on that stage,” said Joe Biden. “It was really an unfair situation. Eastwood had a teleprompter, plus a podium to grip and hide behind. The Chair had to stand alone on that stage. No teleprompter, no podium, no notes. Basically naked and alone, as he was mocked in front of a hostile audience who kept laughing as Eastwood belittled him over and over.”

“But you know,” said Biden admiringly, “The Chair, he didn’t blush, he didn’t flinch, he didn’t stammer, he didn’t shift his weight from one leg to another. He just stood there. Firm, proud, confident, heroic, shining and lustrous, polished with the fabric of a thousand pants-bottoms.”

Elizabeth Warren, who’s been struggling to stay tied with Biden in the polls (now battling for second behind The Chair) said she’s always “admired” The Chair.

“The thing about The Chair,” said Warren “is you have to admire him more for what he doesn’t say. He’s never apologized for Sanctuary Cities, he’s never compromised a position on gun control, and most importantly, he’s never even come close to saying that socialism is the wrong path for this country. Stalwarts like this are too few and far between on our side of the aisle, and if – heaven forbid – I lose this nomination, I can’t think of anyone more noble than The Chair to give my concession speech to.”

While The Chair’s momentum seems unstoppable at this point, it should be noted that, even while leading the Democrat pack, polling indicates that The Chair would still lose in a general election matchup with Covington Catholic High School’s “The Hat.”

—–

< After Minimum Wage Hike, Labor Day Will Be Replaced by Cheaper, More Efficient, Robot Labor Day