At the end of House of Cards, Kevin Spacey adopts a puppy then looks into the camera & says, “Now this House of Cards…is a Home of Cards.”

— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015

BRING ME SCHRÖDINGER'S HEAD pic.twitter.com/qQdk60c7k0

— Nicolas Perriault (@n1k0) March 3, 2015

My plan to kill the ants in my kitchen with a diet high in sugar and saturated fats has backfired

— Shane Murphy (@Shanehasabeard) March 3, 2015

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her

— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015

So you're a magician? What's your best trick "Making a woman disappear" Let's see it *I walk up to a woman* Hi I'm a magician *she runs off*

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 5, 2015

"I wonder what would happen if we planted this dead person." ~first person to suggest a burial

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice) March 6, 2015

"Which Sigourney do you mean?" is a question that's never been asked.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 9, 2015

[DOCTOR] I'm afraid we weren't able to reattach your hands [ME] will I ever be able to cut off my hands again? [DOCTOR] what? no

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 10, 2015

Hillary Clinton: Just send my emails to, like, hillary@legit.biz. Everyone: Cool. *five years pass* Everyone: Wait what?

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 10, 2015