Straight Line of the Day: In Order to Boost Slumping Sales, McDonald’s… Posted by Harvey on 6 May 2015, 12:00 pm Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments. In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… have asked Justice Roberts about “Mandates”. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… are in discussions with Anonymiss about cookie distribution. Reply to this comment
…are offering free selfies with Ronald. …are considering selling Michelle’s Cajon-style Burritos, pre-wrapped for easy disposal. …has decided to crowd-source it’s minimum wage increases. …is sponsoring “Purge Tuesdays”. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… will stop catering to the majority of people who eat meat and try to cater to the much smaller cohort of people who are strict vegetarians. Reply to this comment
…has secretly reintroduced transfats into all their menu items and free colonoscopy clinics out back. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… real ingredients, real food, real sales. Reply to this comment
…replaced their overpriced minimum wage employees with robots that are programmed to wash their hands after using the restroom. Reply to this comment
…is negotiating with John McCain about removing the ‘Mc” from his name – either that or providing a McEndorsement. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… is going back to selling hamburgers (horrible hamburgers, but hamburgers). Reply to this comment
…has rejected all of its Executive Renaming Committee’s suggestions: McSlop McToxin McBarf McSepsis McTrots McRuns McSquirt … Reply to this comment
…finally switched to a slightly above average Joe sauce. …introduced the drive-by shooters window. …now just delivers a cow and a truck load of fries to your residence. …bought all those unused Mexi-Cannons as a cure for the too fat to chew epidemic. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… … is advertising that customers’ upcoming coronary embolisms are covered under ObamaDontCare. … is offering free Minnesota Timberwolves playoff tickets with every combo meal. Reply to this comment
……began accepting EBT cards (with cash back) and selling Colt 45 and Swisher Sweets. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… . …will tax you even if you don’t buy …will lower expectations for the next quarter so that revenues look a heck of a lot better. Reply to this comment
…changed the toy selection in the Happy Meals to Molotov Cocktails. Sales brisk in Baltimore. …have put meters on all the bathroom doors. Profits soar! Reply to this comment
…has announced they will now cater gay weddings. …is introducing Dog McNuggets in the hope it will generate the same publicity they had the last time a sitting president was known for frequenting their restaurants. Reply to this comment
Will also sell McArby’s and McBurger King sandwiches. McPizza Hut pizzas and McTaco Bell tacos. For a limited time only. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… …is rehiring the guy who was selling “crack” with drive thru orders. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… ..is putting Closed Captioning at the drive thru so you can understand what the employee is saying. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… …has put out a “hit” on the Burger King. Reply to this comment
… will scuttle its ill-conceived ad campaign for drive-through servce featuring Leo Getz from “Lethal Weapon Or, perhaps, start such a campaign. … will emphasize that Hillary and The Grimace are not one and the same, really. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… …Shamrock Shakes will now be made under a license agreement with Jameson’s. Reply to this comment
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s… ..will roll out a new marketing campaign that Hillary NEVER has been seen in a McDonalds. Reply to this comment
…is encouraging open carry inside their restaurants to help put down the ongoing riots. Reply to this comment
…replaced the “Happy Meal” with the “No Longer Hungry Meal” which becomes immediately true when you see it. Reply to this comment
….replaced all their human workers with robots but promised to pay them at least $15/hr. Reply to this comment
…is providing on-site medical personnel to treat those pesky food poisoning cases. Reply to this comment
…the assistant manager will hold your trays while you and your friends stomp on the white person’s head. …will no longer let the creepy guy with the Aerosmith tats handle your Egg McMuffin. …are bringing back heat lamps, doing away with green energy arm pits. In selected red states. Reply to this comment
… gets its Happy Meals from Colorado, wink wink nudge nudge…
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
have asked Justice Roberts about “Mandates”.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
are in discussions with Anonymiss about cookie distribution.
…have introduced a ‘sad meal’ to aid parents in disciplining unruly monsters.
…changed their name to MacDonald’s to claim Scotch heritage rather than Irish.
…are offering free selfies with Ronald.
…are considering selling Michelle’s Cajon-style Burritos, pre-wrapped for easy disposal.
…has decided to crowd-source it’s minimum wage increases.
…is sponsoring “Purge Tuesdays”.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
will stop catering to the majority of people who eat meat and try to cater to the much smaller cohort of people who are strict vegetarians.
…has secretly reintroduced transfats into all their menu items and free colonoscopy clinics out back.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
real ingredients, real food, real sales.
…replaced their overpriced minimum wage employees with robots that are programmed to wash their hands after using the restroom.
…quietly removed the notice about McBarf Bags on their menu boards.
…has offered to pump any stomach for free!!
…is negotiating with John McCain about removing the ‘Mc” from his name – either that or providing a McEndorsement.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
is going back to selling hamburgers (horrible hamburgers, but hamburgers).
…has rejected all of its Executive Renaming Committee’s suggestions:
McSlop
McToxin
McBarf
McSepsis
McTrots
McRuns
McSquirt
…
…finally switched to a slightly above average Joe sauce.
…introduced the drive-by shooters window.
…now just delivers a cow and a truck load of fries to your residence.
…bought all those unused Mexi-Cannons as a cure for the too fat to chew epidemic.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
… is advertising that customers’ upcoming coronary embolisms are covered under ObamaDontCare.
… is offering free Minnesota Timberwolves playoff tickets with every combo meal.
……began accepting EBT cards (with cash back) and selling Colt 45 and Swisher Sweets.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
.
…will tax you even if you don’t buy
…will lower expectations for the next quarter so that revenues look a heck of a lot better.
…..has replaced the statue of Ronald McDonald with one of Ronald Reagan.
…changed the toy selection in the Happy Meals to Molotov Cocktails. Sales brisk in Baltimore.
…have put meters on all the bathroom doors. Profits soar!
. . . introduced a new menu item: Big @$$ Fries!
…has announced they will now cater gay weddings.
…is introducing Dog McNuggets in the hope it will generate the same publicity they had the last time a sitting president was known for frequenting their restaurants.
…is convincing Congress to draft a bill called McDonaldscare.
… is pandering to the college crowd by discontinuing its micro egg-rations.
Will also sell McArby’s and McBurger King sandwiches. McPizza Hut pizzas and McTaco Bell tacos. For a limited time only.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
…is rehiring the guy who was selling “crack” with drive thru orders.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
..is putting Closed Captioning at the drive thru so you can understand what the employee is saying.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
…has put out a “hit” on the Burger King.
… will scuttle its ill-conceived ad campaign for drive-through servce featuring Leo Getz from “Lethal Weapon
Or, perhaps, start such a campaign.
… will emphasize that Hillary and The Grimace are not one and the same, really.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
…Shamrock Shakes will now be made under a license agreement with Jameson’s.
In order to boost slumping sales, McDonald’s…
..will roll out a new marketing campaign that Hillary NEVER has been seen in a McDonalds.
… one word…. LARD
…is encouraging open carry inside their restaurants to help put down the ongoing riots.
…replaced the “Happy Meal” with the “No Longer Hungry Meal” which becomes immediately true when you see it.
….replaced all their human workers with robots but promised to pay them at least $15/hr.
…is providing on-site medical personnel to treat those pesky food poisoning cases.
…the assistant manager will hold your trays while you and your friends stomp on the white person’s head.
…will no longer let the creepy guy with the Aerosmith tats handle your Egg McMuffin.
…are bringing back heat lamps, doing away with green energy arm pits. In selected red states.
…will start selling food