It seems like Biden is suffering from dementia, but at least it’s not so bad he thinks socialism is a good idea.

I can’t believe Bloomberg listened to Bernie about how billionaires can buy elections. That guy doesn’t know anything.

My guess is Amy Klobuchar would have been the Democrats best shot out of all the viable candidates they had. Biden is the next best.
But they’re probably going to lose either way unless the economy tanks.

It’s funny; if you took one of those “Which Democratic candidate do you agree with most?” quizzes, you would get Bloomberg if you were anything other than a crazy lefty, but, still, nobody liked him.

Right before Buttigieg dropped out, I think I finally cracked the code on how to say his name. It’s “boot-edge-edge”, but you have to say the “edge-edge” part as fast as possible and kinda slur it together.

Life is precious and fragile and always worth fighting for.

So like millions of times a year, people engage in the reproductive act, create new life, and then just kill their offspring?
Maybe people shouldn’t do that.

Why do all these people mourn what happened to Warren but don’t say a thing about Klobuchar who wasn’t terrible?

This was the first presidential election where a major candidate was younger than me but all the candidates finally settled on are older than my parents.

I think the thing that finally did Warren in is that she’s terrible.

Does Tulsi Gabbard know she’s still in the race?

Bernie Bros need to give more latitude to Warren supporters and understand that they never really believed in progressive causes and were happy to stop Bernie.

I think a Biden/Klobuchar ticket would be pretty strong, but after 2016 I’m still pretty sure I know nothing.

I probably spend 99% of my time thinking about temporary things and only 1% on things that are eternal, but it’s a start.

I guess all the mewling about billionaires makes more sense if you think each one is walking around with enough money to make everyone wealthy when in fact their combined wealth is just a drop in the bucket of government spending.
I’m not sure this is a small point. People like Elizabeth Warren keep claiming they can pay for everything by taxing billionaires which is insane when you do the math, but maybe some people when you say “billion” they think “infinity dollars.”
Billionaires are nothing compared to government spending. If you confiscated all their wealth, that won’t even get you through one year. They can’t fund Medicare for All and all your other giveaways. They can’t even start.

If I had one million dollars, I’d give one million people one million dollars and then steal it all back and be even richer.

Mike Bloomberg has enough money to buy everyone in this country a used Xbox, so why doesn’t he? For one, there aren’t enough used Xboxes, and if one person started buying them all up that would cause their prices to inflate until they cost more than a new one.

It’s hard to quantify exactly how much wealthier we are than in the past. 100 years ago, average U.S. salary was around $1300. Adjust for inflation ($16,800) and average salary is about 3x that, so you might say we’re on average three times richer.
But if I offered to give you ten times your salary but you could only spend it on things that were available in 1920, would you take that deal? If you said no, then that suggests we’re at least 30x richer.
For the record, I would not take that deal. I like computers, and it’s possible one of my children would have died without modern health care.

The only way to prove the reason Elizabeth Warren’s campaign failed was because of sexism is for her to run again wearing a fake mustache.

The government can’t guarantee anyone anything. It can just confiscate other people’s earnings to pay for things, but it can still run out of other people’s money and run out of supply of whatever it is everyone has now decided they “deserve.”

How about a compromise: Don’t threaten to take people’s guns and then people with guns won’t threaten you back.

People are sharing that “give everyone $1 million” tweet and news report as “look out dumb this is” and yet people still keeping picking it up and missing the stupidity.
People want to believe billionaires are walking around with enough money to make us all rich.

You can’t pay for everything you want taxing the rich. We can’t even pay for the current proposal taxing the middle class.

Man, I’m worried for anyone this year whose income relies on tourism.

I work from home and we home school, so we’ve been ready for coronavirus for a while.
I also have a one year old with Down syndrome who we already worry enough about him getting sick with regular illnesses, so we’re not super cavalier here.

With this whole coronavirus thing, I’m worried about my mom. I mean, she’s not Democratic presidential candidate old, but she’s up there.

Batman came up with his persona when a bat flew in his window. I assume Green Arrow came up with his while making a left turn.

If the floor really was lava, the extreme heat would still kill you even if you were standing on a chair.

You can make a good college try to provide modern health care to everyone, but it will never be a “right.” In the U.S., people should really understand rights better than that; it’s essential to this nation continuing.
Modern health care is a privilege, not a right. Most people throughout human history lived without it. We only have it because of the labors of our ancestors. We don’t deserve it; we just got lucky what era we were born in.
I’m sure a hundred years from now, people will look back and not consider us lucky compared to what they have then, if it’s any consolation.
Thinking we “deserve” all our modern conveniences instead of being grateful for them is certainly the first step toward losing them.

Our grandchildren will be whiny and ungrateful for things we can’t even imagine.

No joke, I’m getting worried about Bernie and Biden and the coronavirus. They’re both very old and going around the country hanging out in crowds.
Can’t the rest of campaigning in 2020 be done via arguments on Twitter?

My 4yo’s new favorite phrase is “We’re all gonna die!”
Anytime anything goes wrong, she yells, “We’re all gonna die!”
It’s very cute.

Maybe it’s a little late to admit this, but while I got all the James Bond references in Austin Powers, I have absolutely no clue what his clothing and mannerisms are supposed to be parodying.

Maybe people do you think Biden has dementia but still think that makes him smarter than Bernie and more trustworthy than Warren.
I’m just saying the Democrats have a lot of terrible candidates and maybe everyone is grading on a curve.

People keep talking about Biden’s cognitive decline, but what about Bernie? People talk about how consistent he’s been, but that’s because it seems like he’s learned absolutely nothing since the early 80s. I think he has the same disease as that guy from Memento.

Maybe we should have a contest on what to call the virus and then start calling it Virusey McVirusface.

We use the alcohol in hand sanitizer to kill bacteria and viruses, but what happens if an Irish virus evolves that LOVES alcohol?
“Oh no! The hand sanitizer is just making the virus DRUNKEN AND ANGRY!”

Does it mean it’s not a crisis yet that for so many people, their reaction to the coronavirus is “This is a great way to dunk on Donald Trump!”?

Wealth of Nations was a pretty dry boring read, but man some bits of wisdom in it really stuck with me. One was really hammering the fact that a nation’s wealth is its labor and productivity. The gold money only represents that.
Smith talked about how just amassing gold would never make a nation richer — eventually all that would do is cause the value of gold to drop. Increasing wealth is increasing the productivity of the land and people a nation has.
A lot of socialists just think you can magically have whatever you want (“the money is out there!”) but the real question is how do you have the labor to make everything you want. The best answer to that, of course, is the capitalist system, the one adept at figuring that out.
Also, that all reinforces how we’re in for an economic hit with the coronavirus. If people can’t work, there’s no remedy for that. All the money in the world can’t get you goods if no one is producing them.
Anyway, just happy I learned anything from Wealth of Nations as my eyes were glazed over for 99% of it. The other real eye opening thing about it was the magic of banks, but I’ll save that for another time.

“Honey, because of the coronavirus, the CDC says we’re all supposed to stay home and play video games.”
“I don’t think the CDC recommended we play video games.”
“Well, they heavily implied it.”

“Actually, if we’re home, there’s a bunch of home improvement projects we can do. Plus some spring cleaning.”
“Um… the CDC labeled those all ‘high risk.'”

Learned a new term today. While my wife was at our homeschooling co-op, our baby got accused of being “color-struck,” which is a polite way of saying “Your baby is racist.” So then my wife is running around trying to prove he isn’t racist. Feels like a premise from Seinfeld.

“He isn’t racist. You were just loud near him and he gets scared of loud people.”
“Uh-huh.”
“He lets Emily hold him, and she’s black too.”
tries to hand the baby to Emily, but he quickly turns around and clings to his mother
“Um… he’s a bit shy today.”
“Uh-huh.”

Tough world. He just turned one and he’s already CANCELED.
Well, if he’s racist, it’s not because of me. I showed him a book of people of different races and told him, “See all these people? Don’t hate them.”
I don’t know what else you can do.

Because some people are getting angry at this, I just want to be clear it was all done humorously. It’s a Christian co-op and we all love each other.
So we don’t get smoten.
And as soon as he’s old enough to speak, we’ll have him apologize for his racism.
The lady who accused are baby of being color struck also made it clear that 75% of our kids are definitely not racist, which I think is pretty good.

My 9yo overheard my wife and I talking about the election and wanted to know more, so I told her all the basic facts about Joe Biden — VP for 8yrs, etc. This did not satisfy her.
“But is he a good guy or a bad guy?”
patting her on the head “They’re all bad guys, dear.”

With Biden versus Trump, we’re going to have a presidential debate without one single coherent sentence.
Do we even need presidential debates? Wouldn’t it be more informative if they just fight it out every day on Twitter?

I fear to ask this, but will the coronavirus affect Baby Yoda?

There are two things that get me through the darkest times:
1. My faith in God and knowing He will always look out for this children
2. The sight of Baby Yoda

Everyone should hear this EconTalk podcast with Kevin Smith (not the filmmaker) of the Surgery Center of Oklahoma that is cash only (no insurance). It sounds like libertarian propaganda how big a difference that makes.
With actual prices and the lack of perverse incentives that’s invaded most other hospitals (which he goes into detail about) you end up with both cheaper prices and the doctors making more money.
And he notes he has many times gotten Canadians who find paying a few thousand less costly than waiting possibly a few years for “free.”
It would be nice if someone prominent was pushing a free market solution to health care–a core value of our country and the same engine that got flat screen TVs from $10,000 to $200–but right now there seems to be only people pushing more socialism or just shrugging.
The free market could also help college costs, but you’d have to get the government to stop trying to “help,” and that scares people.

The only reason Bernie is still in the race is so that he can weaken Biden enough that Tulsi can win.

I’d say the most annoying thing in Red Dead Redemption 2 is the weight mechanic. I have no idea how it works. It just seems like you have to keep stuffing your character’s face full of food at every opportunity or you’ll be losing weight.
I ate a steak and a can of beans; is that enough? There’s no feedback. Just keep giving food or he’ll become emaciated. Technically, it’s supposed to be possible to become overweight, but I’d guess you’d have to spend 99% of your time eating for that to happen.
Red Dead Redemption 2 has become one of my top ten games of all time, but that part is so so stupid.

Maybe if Biden’s people sit down and carefully explain to the Bernie Bros that all their ideas are stupid, they’ll be happy they lost.

The majority of Democrats are jamming Biden down the Democrats’ throat. Bernie Bros shouldn’t put up with it.

Bernie Sanders needs to run as an independent. The Democrats may think he smells funny, but I’m sure the rest of the country will vote for him.

Does it give the left pause that their defense of Bernie has devolved into “Hey, you need to be nuanced enough to admit Hitler did some good things, too”?
There are lots of countries with literacy programs. The only reason to single out Cuba is to make excuses for its murderous and oppressive regime. Bernie Sanders is a bad person.
Someone who just shrugs about political imprisonment and murder doesn’t actually care whether you get health care or not. Bernie Sanders is just like all other politicians — it’s all about ego and power. Just keep it in mind.

An important function of liberty is to protect people from the great ideas everyone thinks they have.

Why are Democrats so focused on health care when the world is supposed to end soon from climate change?

Thought experiment: If 100 years ago, universal health care was guaranteed in this country — the best health care at the time magically available for all — but the trade off was medical innovation was slowed by 50%, how many people would that kill?

If you slow medical innovation, historical data says you’ll kill a lot of people, but the advantage is you’ll never know you did that.

You can trust the government to watch and educate your kids about as well as they do anything else.

Elizabeth Warren is such a phony she makes the millionaire socialist with three houses seem genuine.

Paul Krugman seems to be arguing that Bernie Sanders — despite calling himself a socialist for decades — isn’t really a socialist as Bernie is just so so dumb he doesn’t know what socialism actually is.
I can’t dismiss this argument.

Our 4yo daughter decided to give herself a haircut with her plastic scissors, and we have to be careful to not let her know she actually did a pretty good job.

People don’t only want to punch Nazis. They also want to punch hippies.

We have a dishonest president being reported on by an even more dishonest media and I’ve just stopped listening to anyone.

The Democrats will gain some respect from me if they stop Bernie and demonstrate they’re not just ready to roll over and die.

Knives Out was good. I had no idea where it was going.
I mean it wasn’t good enough to make up for ruining Star Wars—it would have to be the next Princess Bride for that—but it was entertaining.

Would be nice if the Democrats could find a viable candidate who wasn’t already past average life expectancy. Anyway, pay good attention to their VP nominee.

I never trusted Buttigieg since he said his name is pronounced “boot-edge-edge.” I can’t see even one “edge” in his name, and he wants me to believe there’s two in there? The guy is up to something.

“This situation we’re in seems extremely contrived.” -me, if I were in any show aimed at young children
“Also, am I only one concerned by all the things talking that should not have the ability to talk?”

With the way Bernie Bros are insulting African American voters in South Carolina, does that make them the next KKK? I don’t think anyone would argue otherwise.

“People could panic about this coronavirus.”
“I know: Let’s give everyone an impossible task to distract them.”
later
“So this is important: You all need to concentrate on not touching your face.”

Everyone loves Joe Biden, the guy who is not Bernie Sanders.

The hope is Biden’s amiable dunce persona will be a good antidote to Trump’s bullying, but I don’t know.

I think Joe Biden entered the Senate the year my parents were married (six years before I was born). For someone who was a mediocre Senator that long, I doubt he has the useful skill knowledge to tie his own shoes. Still, the Republic would probably survive him just fine.

It’s past time for Warren to drop out and endorse Trump.

If I ran a daycare, I’d name it something cute and ironic like “Child Punchers.”

Hey, Bernie Bros, if the DNC successfully steals the election from Bernie, you’re just going to have to swallow whatever horrible candidate they give you. You’re going to have to resist the urge to teach the DNC a lesson no matter how much your soul screams for justice.

Trump versus Biden would definitely be the least important presidential election of my lifetime.

Super Tuesday? More like “Pooper Tuesday” because all the candidates stink! #PoliticalHumor

So how insufferable will Bernie Bros become if Biden is nominated and then loses?

It does seem like a Bernie versus Trump contest would be a bit more cathartic. A bit more interesting, too.

Hey, Bernie Bros, I know you love sexism, but consider voting for Elizabeth Warren instead. She just like Bernie except younger, more coherent, and a huge phony. And she’s a lady.

Bloomberg had morphed from “the only guy who might stop Bernie” to the “the only reason Bernie might still win this.”

Remember to consider Warren as an alternative to Bernie or Biden.
And then go back to voting for Bernie or Biden because you then realize after careful consideration that she’s terrible.

I read Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations, and man, that was tough. It’s like 5% timeless, revolutionary wisdom and 95% how many shillings corn cost in particular decades. I think most people would be better off with the CliffNotes version.

I’m scared of guns. That’s why I keep them locked in safes that can’t be opened from the inside.

I don’t think a single person in the known universe is excited about Biden, but very large number of people are like “eh, he’s fine” about him.

As a satirist, I’m more excited about Bernie Sanders as he’s wacky and so our his supporters. Biden is just okay, though, with his incoherence and general goofiness.

The people really excited for Joe Biden are way way less annoying than the people excited for Bernie Sanders since they’re basically non-existent.

Warren is more a Native American than she is a viable presidential candidate.

The Latinx didn’t vote for Warren? What about the Bratz?

What a fun election night. Everyone I disliked did poorly and the one guy I had no strong feelings on did good.

So the majority of Democrats seemed to have a message for Bernie Bros: “Your ideas are terrible and you are terrible and we hate you all for very legitimate reasons.”
Now, will they take this as constructive criticism or lash out against their betters?

The Democratic primary is like you have a choice of desserts but it’s all weird stuff like Turkish delight and black licorice to the point you’re really happy to see vanilla ice cream as an option.

It’s pretty meaningful the Barack Obama endorsed Mike Bloomberg as Bloomberg only paid $3 million for it when Obama obviously could have held out for a lot more. That means Obama really believes in him.

I was going to photoshop Bloomberg as a Borg from Star Trek and call him “Bloomborg,” but Bloomberg just sent me $300 to not do that.

KYLO: “I can’t believe it!”
PALPATINE: “Yes! It’s me! I’ve been alive this whole time!”
KYLO: “So what have you been doing the past 30 years?”
PALPATINE: “Strengthening the Dark Side by spreading hatred throughout the galaxy.”
KYLO: “So, Twitter.”
PALPATINE: “Yes, Twitter!”

Considering how little I use my middle name, it makes sense for me to sell it as ad space.
Frank [your brand name here] Fleming
Who wants to talk price?

Bernie Sanders would be the U.S.’s Corbyn who was the U.K.’s McGovern.

I don’t even know what McGovern’s politics are, but he must have been some stupid hippie or something to lose 49 states to Nixon.
“Everything should be free, man, and have flower prints on it.”
“Shut up, hippie! We’re voting for the off-putting, sweaty guy!”

Is Bernie Sanders a hypocrite because he’s a millionaire with three houses?
Yes. Absolutely.
But does that make you dumb to support him and his unworkable plans that luckily would never in a million years get past Congress?
Yes. It’s makes you very very dumb.

To me, the best thing about Bernie is that he seems more stupid than dishonest, which I definitely put as a plus for a politician. That would probably change, though, if he ever got more power than a mediocre Senator no one pays attention to.

I love how Bernie Sanders supporters argue:
“This economy is terrible! The average man can barely get by!”
and
“Basically everyone has three houses. It’s not a big deal.”

Bernie Sanders is a Communist! If he’s elected president, I’ll be like, “The President is a Communist!” and I’ll probably write a few satire articles where he quotes Ivan Drago. Do you want that?

If Bernie Sanders medical records show he’s in bad health, that could be a plus for him.
“I can’t vote for Bernie! He’s a Communist!”
“Yeah, but he most likely won’t live long.”
“Oh. That’s not so bad, then.”

Bloomberg, one of the wealthiest people in the world, is worth $64 billion. That wouldn’t even get you through a week of government spending.
Tax the government.

Wouldn’t a good way for Russia to interfere in the election is make it known they’re interfering in the election?

I’m fine with you supporting whatever politician you want as long as you don’t pretend the person isn’t a dishonest phony. It’s when we pretend that that we get in trouble.

I’m sorry, but maybe — maybe — you can argue nothing weird is going on if the socialist had only two houses, but it feels like gaslighting to act like three houses is normal. How many people do you know who has three houses?

“It’s actually pretty average for a socialist grifter to have three houses by that age.”
Who do you people hang out with? I know one guy with three houses, and he’s like really rich.

Sorry, I’m just tired of millionaires with three houses whining about billionaires when my family of six has to make do in but one single house.

So is it now the conclusion of Democrats that Obamacare was a complete failure that solved nothing?

I had to stop being humble as I got so good at it it was giving me an inflated ego.

If I had three houses, I wouldn’t constantly whine about billionaires because I’d be too busy worrying I left the oven on in one of them.

One of the reasons the Dems can’t stop Bernie is they’re too afraid to articulate why he’s a horrible candidate other than “he can’t win.”
It would basically be like taking a good portion of their base aside and trying to convince them Santa Claus isn’t real.

Putin got Trump elected with $15 in Facebook ads and now he’s trying to do the same thing with Bernie. Bernie must be defeated in the primary and then kicked out of the Senate; it’s the only way to defeat Putin.

Really, what else does Bernie Sanders have to do other than run for President? He’s old and lonely since most of his friends are dead… killed by the US military during the Cold War.

If you think conserving conservatism involves voting for a Communist, you’ve probably lost the plot.

If you people care about getting people health care as much as you claim, you don’t have to wait for the government to get involved. You can raise the $59 trillion yourself.

A big advantage Medicare for All has over the Republican proposal is that it exists.

So are we now going to get NeverBernies who say they left the Democrats to preserve liberalism but now sound like Charlie Kirk?

Bernie supporters want to give everyone health care in the same way a toddler with a hammer wants to fix an iPad.

You can’t say “Never Trump.” What if he was running against Adolf Hitler? Are you saying you’d support Hitler over Trump?
And what if he running against a Communist?

Started watching MasterChef, and man is there a big difference with MasterChef Junior.
MasterChef: “You should go in the garbage with your food because you’re garbage!”
MasterChef Junior: “Before I go get treated for salmonella, I just have to say great effort.”

People are mad at the Miracle on Ice team for appearing at a Trump rally, but were they supposed to support Bernie Sanders? He was probably rooting against them in 1980.

I think Trump is going a great job, but the Democrats have a lot of great choices for president too. However things work out, I’m super excited for 2021!

Bloomberg and Bernie just need to admit they’re both great candidates and people should be excited for either one.

Bernie Sanders says he things everyone should get health care, but he also doesn’t care that much if people are arbitrarily imprisoned and murdered, so I’m a little suspicious of him.

guy gets charged $1000 for insulin
“This is outrageous! This can’t go on!”
guy gets shot in the head for speaking out in Cuba
“Eh. It happens.”

Seems a little crazy to act like billionaires are a problem when you’re pitching spending plans that make their entire fortunes look like a tiny drop in the bucket.

The main gun loophole is the “criminals don’t obey laws” loophole.

Last time the Dems nuked the filibuster, we ended up with Gorsuch and Kavanaugh. I don’t know what they expect to happen if they do it again.

So how is Bill Kristol prepping to campaign for Bernie Sanders?

When I write a large code change and it compiles the first time, it always creeps me out.

DEMOCRATS: “Give up your AR-15s; it’s ridiculous you’d ever need them to fight tyranny. BTW, we’ve decided to go full Communist.”

You know how old Bernie Sanders is? The shock of winning could kill him.

So much money is spent in presidential elections because people want a very specific terrible idiot and can’t just be happy with the terrible idiot everyone else decides on.

Isn’t the first level of Battletoads one of the greatest lies in human history?
“What a fun, slightly challenging game! I can’t wait for many more levels like this!”

Remember: 2020 will be the least important presidential election of your life time.

I’m glad I didn’t have to jettison all my principles to either support or oppose Trump. All my principles are still safe in a box somewhere in my closet, I think.

I pledge to not support the Democratic nominee whoever he or she is.
I also pledge to not support the Republican nominee.
Why do we pretend picking between two terrible choices is ever going to fix anything?

I really like the Babylon Bee podcast. I feel like I pay much more attention to a podcast when they sometimes mention me.

If you’re looking for the most entertainment out of the presidential election–and I don’t know what else you’d expect from it–the best outcome will be billionaire Bloomberg beating Bernie (hilarious!) followed by months of short jokes from Trump.

Inequality is the idea you can never be happy with a million dollars if the guy next door has a billion.
And it’s the other guy that’s greedy.

The #NeverTrump symbol is about to become a hammer and sickle.

My prediction for the 2020 presidential election: Fun!

I don’t really want to be involved in a campaign, but I’ll write short jokes about Bloomberg for a fee. Not even a big one.

Trump hiring terrible people he later has to fire for being terrible is part of his 8D Chutes & Ladders.

When you hit the recline button on your airline seat, it puts an invisible dust on your fingers that can be seen through black light to help police secretly identify sociopaths.

The least way a citizen influences his country is his vote.

Trump will win if people realize he’s the only thing standing between us and worse than Trump.

“Trump is a special threat to our country! Who is the other choice?”
“A Communist!”
“Oh… well… uh…”
“But he’s like senile, so he probably can’t do much harm.”
“Oh! Cool!”

I like it how when a movie is going for a Stranger Things vibe, they just go ahead and hire Finn Wolfhard.

It’s very cynical to make fun of my viewpoints which are all extremely important and well thought out.

Late stage capitalism? We’ve only utilized like 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the capital in the universe. We’ve barely started.

I’m not going to see the Sonic movie because it would be a betrayal to the 12yo me Super Nintendo loyalist.

The Rage Against the Machine ticket prices is just a reminder of what I keep saying: No one is actually against capitalism.

If when you say “socialism,” you just mean “more welfare programs,” then just say, “I want more welfare programs.” Stop invoking the name of a philosophy that killed 100 million people last century, you stupid little idiots.
What’s confusing is that so many of these dummies talk about capitalism like they want to get rid of it, but the type of “socialism” that’s just more welfare programs can only exist with the wealth of capitalism. A parasite can’t live without a host.
If anyone was actually trying to get rid of capitalism, I’d hope anyone with any concern for their fellow man would pick up an AR-15 and fight back. Worldwide, the death of capitalism would starve billions.
But no one actually wants to get rid of capitalism. There’s just a bunch of over-privileged whiny people who like to sound important.

Oh man, it would be so hilarious if billionaire Bloomberg ended up narrowly beating Bernie for the nomination. The ensuing freak out that would overtake the Democratic Party would be like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life.

So does Billie Eilish have concerts in large venues or does she just do performances to one person at a time and whispers they lyrics to them?

Here’s how my brain works: I know nothing about Billy Eyelash, but I saw a couple tweets that were like “to all the haters who say she just ‘whispers’…” so I was like “I should make fun of how all she does is whisper.”

I really liked The Babylon Bee until I started writing for it and it got all political.

I did not realize Bloomberg is as old as Bernie.

It’s not right when South Park makes fun of things I think are super duper important. It should only make fun of things other people think are super duper important because they are wrong.

Does it give Bernie supporters any pause that Bernie is an avowed socialist or that Bill de Blasio likes him?

Man, gas has been cheap for awhile… prolly because of Trump’s superior presidenting.

Just saw the stuff about Bloomberg and women; he makes Trump look like a feminist. Does that guy have one redeeming quality?
Oh yeah. Billions of dollars.

Liberty is always getting in the way of everybody’s plans.
That’s a feature, not a bug.

Just disable the seat recline in coach. Why even give psychopaths the option?

Whenever I hand over Winchester to SarahK, Winchester immediately turns around and gives me a big smile like, “Ha! I finally got who I wanted, loser!”

I guess the logic of running Bloomberg against Bernie is that even the absolute worst person in the country who isn’t a socialist is still better than a socialist.

Don’t Bernie Bros have a right to be angry?
I mean, sure, they tend to be over-privileged white people who have never face a real problem in their lives, but the pointlessness and uselessness of their existence gives them angst.

Now that Bloomberg has pointed out that Bernie supporters are basically Nazis, the question is will they be thankful for the constructive criticism or become violent and angry as is their nature?

It’s Presidents Day, the day you’re legally obligated to say something nice about the president.
Considering that Trump’s run for president was just a marketing stunt to get another season of The Apprentice, I think he’s done okay.

Is Steyer still in it in case people want a less obnoxious billionaire?

HARRISON FORD: “I’ll be in your movie, but you aren’t putting any mangy dog anywhere near me!”
DISNEY: “Fine. We’ll add the dog in post.”

If Bloomberg wins, that will prove you can buy a Democratic primary.
I don’t think you can buy the general election, though. Remember how much money was spent trying to convince people to be happy to vote for Hillary?

In the old trilogy, you just understood who the Empire was and how they were in charge of everything. In the new ones, I never had the slightest idea what the scope of the New Order was.

Death Star blows up
“The Empire’s new weapon is destroyed, but they’re still out there.”
Starkiller base blows up
“Does that mean the New Order is done for? Was that all of them? I have no idea.”

“And why are the good guys the ‘Resistance’? Aren’t they in charge now? Didn’t they see the end of Return of the Jedi?”

I’ll never for the life of me understand caring about billionaires. Don’t you have any real problems to focus on rather than spend time pretending that someone somewhere having a billion dollars is hurting you for vague reasons?

The Democratic debate today better be bloodsport.

Politics is so much fun lately. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do as a satirist. It’s all “Look at these things that are actually happening; aren’t they wacky?”

Pretty telling that the only Republican voting to convict is the one who gave people cancer and put women in binders and was a bully and put a dog on a car and [other meaningless BS from 2012].

I’ll sleep better tonight now knowing the president is innocent.

All you guys who propped up that teenager David Hogg for your political purposes: Good job, you completely broke him.

The thing that always fascinated me with the “binders full of women” Romney gaffe is that at least half the left-wingers going after him with it didn’t even seem to understand what they were criticizing him for.

The DNC is probably trying to cover up Bernie’s win in Iowa for very good reasons and the far-left need to get in line.

I think the only way for AOC to save face now is to upload a video of her trying to lift herself up by her own bootstraps to prove it can’t be done. That would really make conservatives look like idiots and shut them up.

How much is Mike Bloomberg paying influencers? Asking for an… influencer friend.

I’m not arguing Trump isn’t terrible, I’m just not buying he’s some order of magnitude worse than the other politicians.

As a Trump defender who defends Trump on absolutely everything he does, I have to say I find what Trump is doing to be very defensible.

Today’s Democratic Party is mainly a bunch of far-left white people arguing who knows best for people of color.

All the people complaining to Twitter about the Trump video are such weenies. All they have to do is look more reasonable than Trump, and every day they’re like “Nope!”

When I’m rich, I’m not going to eat ground beef anymore. I’m going to eat sky beef.

Hopefully women will spend less time shoe-shopping and more time perfecting their filmmaking skills so they’ll get Oscar director nominations next year.

Remember when everyone was like “Warren is smart and she has plans”? That was silly.

“Joker was popular. I bet people are going to want a see a movie about Joker’s girlfriend.”
When has that worked? Now that Parasite has won the Oscar, are they doing a movie about the Parasite’s girlfriend (assuming he has one; I’m only vaguely familiar with that DC villain)?

Know what might do really well? A movie about Harley Quinn’s boyfriend.

If someone can only do less that $15 in value of work an hour, it should be illegal to hire that person.

My opinion on sub versus dub is wait for the superior American version. Who needs The Seven Samurai when you have much shorter and more efficient The Magnificent Seven?
There’s even one with Chris Pratt in it!

Not going to upgrade my Kindle until they finally have USB-C. MicroUSB has to be my most despised connector.

I think Warren is my least favorite of the remaining Democratic presidential candidates, so it’s nice to see her floundering. Who is your least favorite?

I’m sorry, but I just can’t accept Buttigieg is pronounced “BOOT-edge-edge” just because that’s what they told me. That requires an explanation because in no universe are there two edges in there.

I’m pronouncing it Butt-ee-geeg, and if he doesn’t like it, spell it differently.

One thing none of the candidates are talking about are those little stickers on apples. Every time I want eat an apple, I have to pull off the sticker and wash off the glue residue. It’s 2020; is there really no other way to identify apples than putting stickers on each one?

If the name change works on Birds of Prey are they going to try it on Little Women?

I love how when I’m trying to get a quick update on breaking news Twitter fills my timeline with tweets from nine hours ago I already read.

Bernie Sanders’s magic is having gotten to 78 years old maintaining the sort of idiocy that usually doesn’t survive leaving a college campus.

I don’t know anyone right or left who hates Klobuchar. I mean, from the rumors about how she treats her staff, she probably a horrible person, but still it seems notable she doesn’t have any vehement detractors.

If I had buttons for each presidential candidate to magically transport them to prison, the only button I wouldn’t hit would be Yang’s.

If I had a billion dollars, I’d invest it. Think of how much money I could have in twenty years.

So did some people watch The Joker and were like, “He deserves his bad treatment because he’s a white male!”?

One thing we’ve gotten a kick out of while watching Legion are the horoscope-vague episode descriptions on Hulu.
“David faces a new challenge.”

If they don’t call witnesses, that could ruin everyone’s faith in this impeachment trial that no one is paying attention to.

Sure, F9 looks dumb, but it better be extra super dumb if we don’t get the Rock in this one.

So far impeachment has gone even better than I thought it would.

It’s not conservative to be ultra-conservative. How can you be a conservative if you’re not even conservative in how conservative you are?

I’m seriously considering buying that $350 Baby Yoda. What magic spell is that Baby Yoda casting over everyone?

Political debates should just be billionaires pelting each other in the face with waded up balls made from hundred dollar bills.

I trust Mitt Romney about as far as I can throw him, but that’s still more than I trust most politicians.
I can throw politicians quite far because I’m very strong.

Winchester is sick so I sat him my lap and soothed him by reading him Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations. Mixed results.

In The Wealth Of Nations, Adam Smith keeps using “shew” instead of “show.” Old timey people are cute.

Thanks to the sliding timescale of The Simpsons, Homer is almost a Millennial.

Trump is pretty awful unless you compare him to other politicians.

So the lessons of The Good Place seemed to be the limits of human intelligence on enacting justice and creating paradise.
Plus I would hope most adults would know that being able to get whatever you want is a bad proposition. We always want lots of things, but we’re bad at understanding what we need. Plus, how much duller would life be if it were limited to my imagination?

It was weird to see a song from Kanye’s Christian album used for a Fast and Furious 9 trailer.
Well, they do all often sit down and pray at the end of the movie.

“Scorcese, we want you for our Coca-Cola ad. We’ll pay you $100.”
“I have integrity. You can’t buy that.”
“We know, what you’re doing, Scorcese, but we’re not going to pay you $200. That’s too much.”
“I wouldn’t give away my integrity for any dollar amount.”
“$150.”
“Deal.”

If I wrote an ad, it would be the greatest, funniest ad ever, but no one can afford me. I’m not selling out for Scorcese-level money.

I’m trying to explain to my daughter how much feminist cred it would get me if she let me teach her how to code. Fine. Whatever. Play princess dress up, you dinosaur.

“Ha ha. Stupid Donnie Trump.”
turns to SarahK
“So where is Kansas City?”

Now I’m really confused. So what state is New York City in?

We’ve started Legion season 2. I hope it stays Twin Peaks season 1 weird and doesn’t go Twin Peaks season 2 weird.
For the first episode of season 2, I was hoping it would go “Previously on Legion…” and just show an abstract painting.

If you can’t disagree with people without hating them, that’s a good indication you’re the one with horrible political views.

The only question in the impeachment was how long would it take to get to the end we all knew it would have.

To be concerned citizens, my wife and I participated in the Idaho Republican caucus in 2012. We ended up voting for Romney as we realized it was the quickest way to get the thing over with.
The main thing I remember about the caucus is a guy in front of us taught my 1yo daughter how to high-five — a skill she can still do to this day!
Though I just asked her to do it and she left me hanging.

Much of the comedy of the left is how many of them are obvious sociopaths yet they do all this performative caring about “oppressed groups” or “kids in cages” that’s convincing to no one except their fellow sociopaths.
There are people on the left who legitimately care about others, but they’re not the ones steering the ship right now.
But this is the trick grifters on the right and left have learned: Hate is much easier way to build up political power — the kind that screams and demands to be noticed — than love. Embrace the Dark Side!

I was like a natural left-winger (‘Why can’t we just get rid of all the guns?”) as a kid and then I heard Rush and was fascinated because these were issues I hadn’t even considered there was an alternate view to. I then read his book and became a very annoying teen conservative.
I’ve mellowed since then and am trying to be a vegan when it comes to political red meat, but he will always be a part of my journey and I will pray for him in this challenge he faces.
I’ve always found the people who get really outraged by Rush to be a bit like people who go to see a stand up comedian and take everything he says extremely seriously.
“Who is this idiot proposing we make the entire plane out of the black box? That would kill hundreds!”
Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about politics, is that people like to be angry.

Of course people shouldn’t dress or behave like that in public and only a weirdo would think otherwise, but I’ve long resigned to the fact that weirdoes run the entertainment industry that I didn’t think the Super Bowl Halftime show was worth remarking on.
This was the first Super Bowl I showed my kids. I figured there would be inappropriate content, but they’re going to see it sometime. They mostly didn’t pay attention, though.

“We are the Democrats, the party of the future — the party of Science! Now stand in awe of our advanced technology as we release an app that counts things!”

I never played the first one (I’ve always been a Nintendo and PC gamer and it never came out for PC), but Red Dead Redemption 2 might make my list of all time favorite games.
The open world gameplay was great, but I was really pulled in by the writing and acting. I was surprised that I didn’t recognize a single actor’s name; I guess there’s number of good voice work actors out there.
For some reason, RDR2 on PC got absolute creamed in the user score on Metacritic. It seems to be from launch day bugs. I didn’t run into a single problem with it (after I updated my graphics card drivers on launch day).
I happened to get a new laptop for work just in the time for RDR2 that had a RTX 2060 on it. Was able to run it on ultra settings at 60 fps at 1080p resolution. Beautiful game.
Too much to do to play a game that engrossing that often. I have the new Star Wars game just sitting there, but I think I’ll have to wait a couple months before I start to have any time for it.

People, I’m an officially licensed satirist. I had to take government certified courses to make sure that my satire doesn’t accidentally become fake news. Please leave the satire to professionals like me.

It’s alarming to hear people say they want socialism, but often you find out they just want a few more welfare programs. It’s a bit like people going around saying they want Nazism but then you find out they just mean they want military officers to wear snappier uniforms.

Did we ever get an explanation of why we’ve even heard of Great Thunberg?
“So, you wont listen to random scientists, but I bet you’ll listen to those same arguments from a privileged foreign girl!”
“Wha… why would you think that?”
“Isn’t she the greatest?”
“Are you high?”

Is there any evidence Greta Thunberg has convinced anyone who didn’t already agree with her?

I moved my Fun Day Clock 10 seconds closer to midnight. We’re all really close to having a super fun day!

I’m three episodes into the show Legion. Now there is a show you need to pay close attention to or you’ll be completely lost.
I used to surf the web while watching TV, but I also used to watch a lot of junky shows. I have time for maybe one show a week night and there is so much out there I stick now only to shows worth paying full attention to.
BTW, I picked Legion because it’s has the same showrunner as Fargo. I decided I need to pay more attention to showrunners. For instance, I really like Justified so I guess I should eventually check out Sneaky Pete.

What would be funny is if they tried to make the Doomsday Clock more accurate by making an Atomic Doomsday Clock and then it exploded and killed everyone.
“Oh no! We changed the results by trying to measure them!”

MY BRAIN: “Impoochment!”
ME: “Huh?”
MY BRAIN: “It’s like impeachment, but for a dog.”
ME: “Eh… that’s almost something. But who would be ‘impooched’?”
MY BRAIN: “The President’s dog.”
ME: “He doesn’t have one.”
MY BRAIN: “Impoochment!”
ME: “Leave me alone.”

Home ownership is the most accessible way for the average American to become a crony.

Warren’s loan forgiveness plan is an unserious proposal from an unserious person. If you’re not as angry at her as that one father, it’s because either
A. You’re willfully being an idiot
B. You don’t think she serious about it

I mean, the problem are skyrocketing college costs and her solution is to start forgiving loans and remove any incentive to worry about costs? That makes Trump wall seem like Founding Father level well-thought-out in comparison.
And don’t get me started on Bernie’s national rent control. I don’t know how anyone can pretend he’s a serious person after that. The average monkey has better economic sense than that.
Of course, we demonstrated the Republic can survive an unserious President. We just have to make sure things are set up so they’re impotent to enact their stupid stupid plans.

I see a lot of people angry at Kathleen Kennedy for what’s happened with the Obi Wan show, but did she get any credit for The Mandalorian? Or is that like Mr. Burns taking credit for Daryl Strawberry hitting a home run?
“I told him to do that!”

Are the far left saying Joe Rogan is more bigoted, hateful, and close-minded than they are? Because that sounds like hyperbole.

college costs skyrocket for years way past inflation and any other industry
“Know what’s the problem: We have to pay these big loans!”
The whole college debate makes me feel like I’m in crazytown.

This whole student loan thing is like people are getting hit over and over in the face with a bat and their main complaint is bandages cost so much.

Winchester is one years old now! Here’s a rare picture where his three siblings aren’t all over him. He is the sweetest little guy and a constant blessing.

The fact that he has Down Syndrome hasn’t seemed like too much of a factor his first year other than he’s a bit small and we have therapy visits (all that early development is very complicated when you try to break it down like that). We’re ready for the adventure ahead, though.
One of the things I’ve found from fatherhood is the constant fear of failing your kids. They all have their unique needs, and you want to be up to whatever challenge they can give you. Each day is a lot of praying. I’ve had to grow more than I could imagine.
But, man, four kids. It’s a nice big family. Each day I feel so wealthy.

I’ll never forget SarahK’s reaction when she was told Winchester has DS right after he was born.
“I have some news: We believe he has Down Syndrome.”
“Okay. Can I see him?”
“I want to make sure you heard me; I just dropped a bomb on you.”
“Yeah, I gotcha. Can I see him?”
With our 3rd child, the genetic test was positive for trisomy 13. With that, she most likely wouldn’t live a year. Would have loved a trisomy 21 diagnosis instead. That’s the worst thing in my life I dealt with. Nothing you can do but wait and pray and hope you’re strong enough.
It ended up being a false positive, though. So with our fourth, we didn’t get the genetic test. Better to just not stress about and what will be will be. And so while Win having DS was a surprise (no indications in ultrasound), it didn’t feel completely out of left field.
Anyway, we’ve had some scary time and some stressful times, but we don’t go forward alone and all these blessings are certainly worth that price.

Of all the people in the world to give welfare to, why are we settling on people with high-end college degrees?

The goal is to treat all human life as precious in and of itself. The worst ideas on the both the right and left have one thing in common: They treat certain lives as problems to be managed.

Is Jennifer Rubin doing a bit? That’s the only way I can comprehend her. I mean, I can understand the extreme right and the extreme left who have lost their minds, but whatever she is baffles me.

I don’t know much about Joe Rogan, but I haven’t seen anyone condemn him as a nazi or whatnot who didn’t come off as way more irrational and hateful.

I’m getting a headache just imagining watching Birds of Prey.
“This looks like complete and utter garb… Ooh. Ewan McGregor.”

We had Winchester’s birthday party on Saturday.

The theme was “Baby Shark” because you need a theme but he isn’t really into anything yet. SarahK got a bit stressed on what to get Win, but he’s also not very materialistic yet. He just likes attention.

We found out he does not like getting frosting on his fingers.

He also does not like having a mustache. Who knew?

By the end of the day, he was quite tuckered out. Here’s to many more years for him.

MY BRAIN: “Hitler Sonic Youth!”
ME: “Come on.”
MY BRAIN: “It’s a combination Hitler Youth and—“
ME: “I get it, but what am I supposed to do with that? And what’s it with you and Hitler?”
MY BRAIN: “Hitler is funny.”
ME: “He really isn’t.”

ME: “Do you even know who the Sonic Youth are?”
MY BRAIN: “I think they’re a band from the 90s.”
ME: “You’re so useless.”

I’m thinking of being a political grifter. Is there any complex issue you’d like to be made extra angry about? I’ll do so for a moderate fee.

I don’t get taxpayer funding for NPR. When Firefly got canceled, the government didn’t swoop in with funding. And nothing on NPR is as good as Firefly.

“I have one question about these mutant ninja turtles you’re pitching: How old are they?”

Rico will return… soon.

The new cover for Superego is by Allison Barrows and Romas Kukalis (http://midsizemedia.com). The cover for the sequel is currently being painted.

If I was president and got impeached, I’d be like, “You can’t impeach me! I quit!” but before I’d quit, I’d mess up the WH direct deposit so I still got paid.
That’s right, I’d still get paid to be president but not even have to do the work. Suckers!

The best pitch I’ve heard for Bernie Sanders is that he’s authentically as dumb as a post. Authenticity in politicians is so rare these days and I value it highly.

Man, I really don’t care who wins in 2020. I think the least interesting scenario would be Biden wins the primary and then loses the general since there aren’t a bunch of Biden stans that will have an entertaining breakdown.

My wife is a great cook, but I have to be careful with her. I once tried to give her some constructive criticism on the mashed potatoes she made, and she didn’t make me mashed potatoes again for ten years.

I found that CNN clip kind of endearing because they’re now like “No one is even watching us; we can do whatever.”

Without looking it up, my assumption is that flying in a helicopter is statistically safer than driving in a car.

Was reading the Old Testament to my kids and I came to a section that threw a bunch of names and places that meant absolutely nothing to me, and my thought was “This is almost as bad as The Silmarillion.”
The passage was Judges 4:11, BTW. It was cute, because while I was reading the chapter, my 4yo came over to look at the Bible because she wanted to see a picture of Deborah. Maybe she can obsess on her instead of Rey.
Rey is fine, though. We’re planning a Disney World trip later this year and will give the kids a choice on the things that cost extra. When asked to choose between a princess makeover or build a lightsaber, she didn’t even have to think about it. “I want a lightsaber like Rey!”

It doesn’t matter how bad Trump is if the other side makes it clear they despise half the country and wants bad things to happen to them.

If Hollywood types want to demonstrate how much they believe in saving the planet, they should do the entire Academy Awards show over Skype.

I learned not to make political predictions after the 2016 presidential election, but I’ll make one for 2020: If Trump wins reelection, regardless of what the margin is he’ll claim it’s the “biggest landslide ever.”

The risk with Bernie is he’ll be McGovern 2.0 and give Trump a Nixon-esque landslide victory… except that if it’s found out in Trump’s second term he covered up a burglary, we’d all kind of shrug and go “Sounds like Trump.”

I lived through a booming economy in the 80s in my early childhood and another in the 90s just before I entered the workforce. This is the first one during my adult life. It’s not bad.

My mom got me a weighted blanket for Christmas but I’m really really strong so it just feels like a normal blanket.

I don’t have to worry about my job being replaced by robots because I do one thing robots can’t: be a really cool dude.

There are two types of socialism: The totalitarian, seize the means of production one that everyone should be willing to grab a gun to fight and the Scandinavian one which is more a parasite on capitalism and its success is based on not making the host too sick.

Weirdly, what a lot of people mean by “socialism” these days is “I want the government to guarantee me all the fruits of capitalism.”

If I have to choose between dumb, unserious plans made by idiots, a $22 billion plan to build a stupid wall does sound more appealing than a $54 trillion plan to further ruin health care.

Funny seeing conservatives react to how Bernie Sanders has been treated despite him being like a Commie. We all know the sting of unfair media bias.

People are like “Can a woman win the presidency?” and I’m like “Of course a woman can win the presidency” and they’re like “Really? Of the United States?” and I’m like, “Oh. I didn’t know we were talking about the U.S. No. Never. No girls allowed.”

Is there any scientific explanation for why they keep remaking Doctor Dolittle?

A lady James Bond? Come on.
“Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?”
“I was kind of hoping you’d finally shut up.”
“No! We’re talking!”

For voting for convicted felons, I fall back on that, for clarity, I think it’s useful to tie voting rights and gun rights. Whenever you’re ready to let him have a gun again, he can vote.
And I think all rights should be restored when you’ve served your time.

Know who deserves their money less than a billionaire? A career politician who is a millionaire like Bernie Sanders.

If I were a supervillain who wanted to starve billions, I’d lobby for government to declare food a right.

“Feeding people is too important to leave in the hands of greedy capitalists. Government needs to guarantee food for everyone.”
“You make a good point… but why are you in colorful spandex with a skull-shaped mask?”
“I’m just a concerned citizen named Dr. Destructo.”

It’s starting to feel like if you didn’t change any of the Nazis’s tactics but hand-waved them to be about “stopping racists,” the far left would be all on board.

What’s rap in favor of gun control going to sound like?
“I’m going to grab a Glock and kill a pig… unless sensible gun control makes legally purchasing it through a gun dealer prohibitive.”

Space Force camouflage should be black with white dots.
“Do you see anything to stop our evil, fellow Space Commie?”
“Just the blackness of space and stars… Wait! It’s SPACE FORCE!!!”

The Women’s March always seemed to me to be “We’re Democrats who don’t like Republicans but we’re trying to pretend we’re something more significant than that.”

Sounds like this gun rights rally could cause as much violence as the Joker movie.

MY BRAIN: “Crandalorian!”
ME: “Wha… what is that?”
MY BRAIN: “It’s like a promotional juice box for The Mandalorain.”
ME: “I can’t do anything with that. Stop obsessing on stupid puns I can’t do anything with.”
MY BRAIN: “Hatler!”

Any endorsement of Elizabeth Warren that doesn’t start with, “Sure, she’s a liar and a huge phony…” feels like a used car salesman trying to pull one over on you.

One of the amazing things in America is there are a group of people known for being armed and what they’re mainly feared for is that they vote.

Anyone who turns against gun rights because they’re scary will turn against all your other rights.
Because they’re all scary.

You essentially have two options with guns: Everyone gets guns or some people amass lots of guns and use the the threat of them to try and keep other people from having guns.

The only way realistically to get rid of the electoral college would be to secede and start your own country.

When the Founding Fathers made the electoral college, did they understand that one day idiots would be confused when it worked exactly as intended?

Was trying to give my 4yo an easy Bible question to make sure she got one.
“So does one of the Ten Commandments say you should murder or not murder.”
“Murder.”

I really love the calculator Windows comes with. Programmer mode is so so useful.

I pronounce all “silent” letters. If you don’t want me to pronounce them, don’t put them in there. Simple.

If you don’t like talking to people, don’t wear a Baby Yoda tshirt.

I wonder if we’re going to see a surge in Christian humor as Christians are becoming more the counter-culture and the left are focusing more on enforcing conformity.

The only way Hillary can clear her good name is to run for president again.

President Trump being removed from office is fine. Him being re-elected and serving another term is also fine. I’m not pretending either one will lead to great change in our ailing political system.

Here’s some of my favorite lines from Rise of the Skywalker:

“This new Death Star will be twice as big as the one that was twice as big making it DOUBLE TWICE AS BIG!”

“Looks like we got ourselves some wars up here in the stars… some real STAR WARS.”

“That’s how we’re gonna win. Not by fighting what we hate. But saving what we love.”
“Stop saying that or I’ll fight you because I hate you.”

“Why are you tweeting trollish things as Luke?”
“I’m trying to get a RISE OF THE SKYWALKER.”
“But he’s dead.”

“He took everything from us! Our hopes! Our dreams!”
“Emperor Palpatine?”
“No, Rian Johnson.”

“I’m Poe Dameron, cocky, hot shot pilot. Anyone have anything for me to do? No? I’ll just stand around and wait, then.”

“What are you going to do now, General Leia?”
“I have to go now. My planet needs me.”
“But your planet was blown up.”
NOTE: Leia died on the way back to her home planet

“Okay, Bernie. Here’s a marshmallow. If you can resist eating it now, you’ll get a second one in 10 minutes.”
immediately scarfs up the marshmallow
“I want another one.”
“You can’t because you ate that one now.”
shakes fist in the air
“Billionaires!”

The Last Jedi fixed Star Wars like Obamacare fixed health care.

Trump’s been impeached. Hopefully that will motivate him to take a hard look at himself and figure out why he’s just so awesome that everyone can’t stop hating on him.

So much of the cultural stuff now is people running around yelling “Two plus two equals five!” and regular people deciding whether it’s worth the headache to say, “No. That’s stupid.”

“As long as they’re not teaching my kids math, whatever.”

Biological sex is something religious fundamentalists made up in the 1950s.

Maybe I don’t understand impeachment but when does Merrick Garland become president?

Nothing I love more than hearing millionaires complain about billionaires.

One of the important thing billionaires do is get useless people to obsess about them instead of some other dumb thing.

If I were a billionaire, I’d tweet that biological sex is a real thing and watch the world tear itself apart.

As terrible as Trump is, you’d think it would be easy to be a critic of his and not be worse than him, but apparently that’s very hard.

goes to cancel Humble Monthly subscription
“I literally have 300 unplayed Steam games and about an hour of game playing time a week.”
“We’ll give you $3 off if you stay.”
“Well, I’d be stupid not to.”

Star Wars Episode VII: Here’s a Bunch of New Plot Threads
Star Wars Episode VIII: Those Plot Threads Are Dumb
Star Wars Episode IX: No, You’re Dumb

A version of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” where the threats about figgy pudding become increasingly detailed and violent.

“The cops won’t be in time to save you!
The cops won’t be in time to save you!
The cops won’t be in time to save you!
So do as we say!”

John says “God is love.”
It’s interesting to think that God’s central power is one accessible to us.

I think it was a good idea for Disney to do Star Wars stand-alone movies, but the problem was they accidentally labeled one “Episode VIII.”

Disney+ should add an “Are you sure?” prompt when anyone attempts to play one of the Star Wars prequels.

“Rose, are you going to come with us?”
“No, General Leia says I need to stay here to study Star Destroyer specs and I have to wear a soundproof bag over my head so I can be neither seen nor heard.”
“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”

Rose had way too much screen time in Rise of the Skywalker. They should have killed her off in the opening crawl. Should have just added to the end: “BTW, Tico Rose fell down the stairs and died. It was a while ago, so no one is going to mention it.”

I was actually rather indifferent to Rose in TLJ except for that last part where she rams Finn and gives a speech about love. That was one of the worst things in all of Star Wars. It was like a rejected line from the Holiday Special.

To be honest, even when I thought Little Women was part of the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” universe, I still wasn’t that interested in seeing it.

Watched Ford v Ferrari which is about the rivalry of Henry Ford and Enzo Ferrari and how they decided to settle who was the best car maker with a no-holds-barred cage match. Essentially, it’s the story of the invention of the piledriver.

“It’s like the plot from Cats, but instead of being about cats, it’s about little women.” -pitch for Little Women

“Market research for our Women movie is really positive. The main complaint is that regular-sized women are kind of intimidating. If we can find a fix for that, I think we have a hit on our hands.” -brainstorm that eventually led to the movie Little Women

Palpatine is always saying “Give into your hatred and strike me down!” which is a total trap. Me, I’d kill Palpatine with my lightsaber, but I’d kind of shrug as I did it. See, I’m not giving into my hatred; I don’t even really care.

Nice how The Mandalorian has given us two ways to abruptly end a conversation: “I have spoken” and “This is the way.” The second seems more polite as it involves an implicit agreement between both sides.

I assume season 2 of The Mandalorian will introduce Baby Yoda’s arch-nemesis, Baby Palpatine.
“The attempt to make me take a nap has left me scarred and deformed.”
“Spank me, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.”
“UNLIMITED CANDY!”

The most intellectually rigorous writers on the other side are the ones who most agree with me.

spends a century in conflict so your kids don’t have to deal with nazism or communism
KIDS: “Look at these brand new ideas we’ve never heard of, nazism and communism!”

If people want to defend themselves with guns, it’s extremely tyrannical to threaten government force to prevent that.

Everyone believes a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun and it’s dumb anyone pretends that’s controversial. If anyone disbelieved it, anti-gun people would start by trying to disarm the government.

Anyone who get scared about you having a gun will get scared at you exercising your other rights as well.

It’s extremely dumb to ban guns from a place unless you’re going to enforce that ban with metal detectors and armed security.

I had completely forgotten about the part of Benghazi where the Obama administration lied to us and told us it was because of some YouTube video no one saw.

The 00’s and 10’s don’t seem to me like distinct decades in the ways the 80’s and 90’s are.

I saw Little Women. It was well done, but I got confused by the time jumps and just a bit bored by the — I don’t know how you say this — lack of Die Hard-ness… if you get my meaning.
I mean, the Civil War was going on, but there wasn’t one action sequence. Who wrote that?

Democrats say they want to stop people from shooting up a church but they’ll settle for disarming Jack Wilson.

If Iranians don’t want to lose their supreme commanders, maybe keep them in Irania.

I remember seeing the pilot to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and thinking “Wow! How is she going to start her stand up comedian career while being a single mother taking care of two kids?” Ends up, step one was forget she has kids.

It’s kinda funny thinking of a bunch of Millennials getting drafted to fight a war.
That’s another comedy premise, like Donald Trump being elected president.

I didn’t know Soleimani and he didn’t owe me money so I’m kind of neutral on this whole thing.

The problem with chanting “Death to America!” every day is how do you up the ante when America blows up your general? “Death to America… and we mean it this time! Totally not perfunctory!”

So on the scale of “millions will die,” is Trump blowing up that general as bad as ending Net Neutrality or is it as bad as the tax cuts?

I’m reading this parenting book that’s all about validating your kids’ feelings and I’m like if this is what it takes to get kids to behave, it ain’t even worth it.
“Here’s a little life lesson, boy: Ain’t nobody care bout your feelings, so learn to get over yourself.”

My national security doubts about the Soleimani killing are failing to persuade. So as a farm boy let me offer a different analogy. Growing up, we’d catch badgers in a sack. I hated them but I learned that sticking my face in the sack and yelling at them makes the problems worse.
Now, I wasn’t a very good farmer. I could never help with the crops because of all my badger related injuries.
The others would say to me, “Can’t you just leave the badgers alone?”
And I’d say, “No. Because they started this. They started this by being badgers.”
So I decided to try something new and got a sledgehammer. It’s not easy to hit a squirming sack full of badgers, though. I accidentally just tore the bag and they got out. And they were mad.
Long story short, the farm went bankrupt and I had to learn to code. Anyway, I hope this all clarifies how we should handle Iran.

Little baby Winchester has learned to fake laugh and does it all the time now. It feels like I’m part of some really early Joker origin story.

Star Wars Episode I is so bizarre. The humor seems like it’s aimed at 4 year olds, but the prominent words in the first paragraph of the opening crawl are “taxation” and “trade routes.”

I hope Hollywood can survive being told exactly what everyone thinks of them.

I liked the Mr. Rogers movie, but it was distracting that I kept seeing shades of David S. Pumpkins in Tom Hanks’s portrayal of Fred Rogers.

But no WWIII means Trump wins.

As an important influencer with a blue check mark, I think one of the most important services Twitter can provide is protecting us from the opinions of people without blue check marks.

I know Tom Steyer and Mike Bloomberg are unlikely to win, but the most hilarious outcome of the Democratic primary would be Bernie Sanders losing to a billionaire.

Did Paul Krugman really win a Nobel Prize? He just seems like the sort of guy who regularly gets tricked by squirrels.

Oh, he won a Nobel Memorial Prize.

I’ve watched 3 seasons of The Crown and I still don’t understand in the slightest what’s going on with this whole Meghan Markle business.

I think delaying the impeachment really taught Trump a lesson. He’ll probably be a very good president from here on.

It’s good to get a living wage. The worst is a kill-you-instantly wage. As soon as you get your paycheck, you drop dead.

I think Democrats can ride “It’s Trump fault Iran accidentally shot down an airplane since Trump killed that terrorist” all the way to the White House in 2020.

My 6yo son’s commentary on Jar Jar: “That frog never helps anyone.”

My 6yo son’s commentary on The Last Jedi: “Luke is mean.”

I think the best acted parts of The Irishman were the parts where they were acting like they were very old. Quite convincing.

My favorite part of The Two Popes where was the one guy exclaimed, “I’m seeing double… four popes!”

The Two Popes is the sort of movie that can only get made with a company like Netflix who gives directors a lot of freedom. All the major studios wanted at least eight popes.

The way the British vote is they gather around two microphones — one for Labour and one for Conservatives — and they try to harumph the loudest into them.

If Labour does poorly this election, they’re going to lose their ‘u’.

If the Conservatives win, they’re going to sell the NHS. The Democrats should jump on that; maybe they can get used national health care really cheap.

The Greta Thunberg thing is very stupid and you’re all quite silly to pretend it isn’t.

Everyone had given up trying to convince anyone and just wants to feed their id.

It feels so good to go a whole night without having to take your kid to the hospital.

The far left doesn’t care about anti-Semitism if they can’t blame it on people they already don’t like.
But maybe you can say that about any bad thing they sometimes rail against.

Daily reminder that proving Trump is terrible is not the same as proving he’s worse.

As for MCU vs DCEU, I think Batman Versus Superman, Suicide Squad, and Justice League are all worse than even the worse MCU film — as the worst MCU gets is forgettable but still somewhat enjoyable at the time.
Man of Steel (which at least was interesting) and Aquaman (really stupid, but fun) was maybe better than some of worst MCU — I might rather rewatch than Thor: Dark World.
Shazzam would be a top tier MCU film — it was really enjoyable. Wonder Woman is up there against the best of the MCU.
I haven’t seen Joker, but I don’t think it’s part of the DCEU and is kind of its own thing.

Kinda chuckling at the far left screaming at Buttigieg as Biden just walks away with it all.

I don’t think I want to watch Marriage Story as I’m not sure what to do while watching someone else’s marriage fall apart. I guess say, “Ha ha! Idiots!”

I probably won’t understand a thing about what this British election means until it’s an episode of The Crown.

through tear-filled eyes
“But don’t you hate capitalism and the Jews?”

If you can’t understand the good reasons people voted differently than your own politics, it’s good you lost.

This UK Election stuff is like hearing about a historic game that just happened in some sport you know nothing about.
“He did two knicker-dillies in a single set!”
“Wow. Epic. I guess.”

Judging by my feed, it was going to be a Labour landslide as all these people who never vote were voting Labour because it was just so so important and it was all I could do to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head.
Good rule of thumb: People only get really worked up and loud about dumb, unimportant things now.

Well, here’s my UK election explainer for people who don’t follow things there.
The UK is an island somewhere off France. It has water on all sides to keep out the Irish. It’s divided into several regions like Scotland, Wales, and the Shire.

The UK is a Constitutional Monarchy. That means they get to vote like normal people, but they still get to have royalty to use as a tourist attraction.
It was a very heated election this year, the main issue being the white wigs judges wear. Conservatives wanted to keep them the same length, but Labour wanted to make them an inch longer — something considered too radical by the working class.
Does this have any implication on American elections? No. Thanks to voter id, we should be able to stop any Brits from voting here.

Finished The Irishman. Wasn’t sure if at the end they were using old people makeup or just stopped using makeup.

One of the problems of the left is they think the way they’re super duper sure they’re right about everything and can’t imagine anyone disagreeing with them for any other reason than that person is evil is something that separates them from the Nazis.

The left are going to be an angry menace until they finally bother to understand why good people could disagree with them.

Since Brexit predicted Trump winning, I guess this UK vote is predicting a 1984 type landslide for Trump in 2020. California is in play!

Solid episode of The Mandalorian, but whenever Baby Yoda isn’t on screen, all the characters should be saying, “Where’s Baby Yoda?” Definitely my question for the first 20 minutes.

How can they impeach Trump when there’s no evidence he’s even president. Didn’t Hillary win the popular vote or something?

With how much people scream about how horrible things are, it makes you wonder how people would deal if any of us had actual problems and not just all the made up ones we screech and cry about.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, but he does treat fellow politicians with the respect they deserve.

The frozen nuggets I’m cooking in the oven for the kids has the recommended internal temperature for them when they’re done like I got some sort of chicken nugget thermometer on me. I hate when frozen food gets all uppity.
The worst is when the microwave instructions tell you to put it at 50% power like anyone has any idea how to do that. I mean really, Mr. Burrito, you’re just too good for the same microwave power that 99% of other frozen foods use?

Just for fun, here are my top 5 Simpsons episodes in no particular order. These are very open for debate.

Deep Space Homer
You Only Move Twice
Marge Versus the Monorail
A Star Is Burns
Homer at Bat

Maybe “Cape Feare” should have replaced one of those. 5 is hard.
Just a little bit of trivia: Matt Groening took his name off “A Star Is Burns” because I guess he saw it as crass publicity for The Critic, but it is a solid solid episode with many classic moments.
I think “You Only Move Twice” might be my all time favorite episode of The Simpsons. I love love that episode. Just the right amount of pure insanity in it.
Other episodes that maybe should have made my list:
Lisa the Iconoclast (a perfectly cromulent episode)
List the Vegetarian (“It’s still good! It’s still good!”)
Much Apu About Nothing (“Book him on one count of being a bear and him on one count of…accessory to being a bear.”)
And maybe another Sideshow Bob episode: Sideshow Bob Roberts. So odd now to think someone could do an episode about partisan politics that’s funny to everyone.
Oh man. I somehow forgot about the Stonecutters episode (“Homer the Great”). That has to be top 5.
And I forgot about the Australian episode (Bart vs. Australia), definitely one of my favorites. It makes fun of Australia so bad, and I never quite understood why (I think The Simpsons were really big in Australia).
Oh yeah, and special mention needs to go to Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie for predicting how eventually I’d stop watching The Simpsons (“Aw, classic Itchy & Scratchy… what else is on?”).
I thought The Simpsons had gotten really bad for a number of seasons, but got better about the time they went HD and almost felt like classic Simpsons… yet I faded away as a viewer soon after.

I tried to honor how Scorcese wanted us to view The Irishman — I watched it in four parts using VidAngel to take out all the swearing.

My review of The Irishman: It’s exactly what you’d expect if you were told you were getting a 3hr plus mob film by Martin Scorcese starring Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, and Joe Pesci. You can decide if that’s a good thing. I liked it!

Watching 6 Underground (with VidAngel). It’s like the opening chase sequence is cut to induce nausea in as many people as possible. Not sure that’s a criticism.
I swear a magazine stand they hit just exploded in fire. It’s like Goldeneye for N64.
I rewatched. That happened.
Fast & Furious exposed to me why car chases tend to be boring (as opposed to car races where the objective is clear), but that one kept me pretty engaged by being so over the top insane.
So the backstory from one guy is he wanted to fire on a UN van but they wouldn’t let him. That’s similar to the general from that Robin Williams movie Toys.
They’ve featured both Red Bull and Monster prominently. Isn’t that like product placing both Coke and Pepsi?

Should I do a best movies of the decade list? Well, I really liked that last Spider-Man movie. Also, I’ve watched half of 6 Underground so far and I’m really enjoying it.
This is hard.

You don’t think Kristen Stewart should be named the best actress of the decade? Can you name a better actress?
Oh, you can name 23 off the top of your head. That’s a lot.

To help promote the new Star Wars movie, we only have to wait until Wednesday for the next episode of The Mandalorian.
I NOW LOVE THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE!

If Disney needs someone better to run Star Wars for them, I can do it. If I saw The Mandalorian, I’d say, “This is good. Do more of this.” But when I’d see The Last Jedi, I’d say, “This is bad. You shall be cast into the outer darkness for making this.”
And here’s my innovation: When making a trilogy, I’d plan out a cohesive story line.
Think about it.

All the clothing options in Grand Theft Auto V and Red Dead Redemption 2 seems to make this odd assumption that there’s a big overlap between people who want to run around shooting people and people who want to play dress up.

lives in the most prosperous time in human history with no real problems
“I have an idea for radical change!”

“I don’t know if I’m going to watch Rick & Morty anymore. It’s vulgar and nihilistic it doesn’t leave me with a good feeling.”
watches the heist episode
“You son of a bitch, I’m in!”

Ranking of the Star Wars movies:
1. The Empire Strikes Back
2. Star Wars
3. Return of the Jedi
The rest of the movies are on some list far away from these.

Revenge of the Sith was the least dumb of the prequels but it was still pretty dumb.

So in like 40 years, should they do another Return of the Jedi special edition since Hayden Christensen will be the same age as Sebastian Shaw was and can refilm all those scenes?
Of course, by then, we’ll have the technology to replace Hayden Christensen in the prequels with a young Sebastian Shaw.

I need to get in better shape. How do I get cast in a Marvel movie?

I think the fade in support of impeachment is people expected the impeachment hearings to lead to some more coherent charge than “He’s Trump!” and it hasn’t really happened.

My main criticism of Red Dead Redemption is that as I’m riding through the countryside, I’m just constantly hearing pigs squealing. I guess there are boars off in the woods or something (I’ve yet to encounter one), but why are there loudly squealing pigs everywhere?
I mean, I’m trying to have a lovely stroll through the countryside and it sounds like I’m touring an abattoir.

Wanting other people to pay more taxes is unAmerican.

I’m okay with the Red Letter Media guys having their fun with Star Wars fandom, but it kinda looked like they made fun of Baby Yoda.

Wow. William Shakespeare sure wrote a lot of memorable lines — not as many as John Swartzwelder, but a lot.

My reading of the mainly positive first reactions to Rise of the Skywalker is that the thing is a convoluted mess that couldn’t figure out what to do after Rian Johnson hacked apart everything from Force Awakens.
I figured worse case was that Episode IX would need to basically ignore Episode VIII and then be both VIII and IX in one movie, and it’s kinda sounding like that’s what happened.
Many are making the movie sound like it’s a direct rebuke to The Last Jedi, so maybe I’ll like it.

I hope all reviews for Rise of the Skywalker start with whether the reviewer liked The Last Jedi so I know whether to read any further.

The people who loved The Last Jedi seem to hate Rise of the Skywalker, which seems like a good sign. It would be nice to have a Star Wars everyone could love, but TLJ stans have gone too far to the dark side; there’s no saving them.

There hasn’t been a lot of analysis of The Last Jedi, so I thought I’d talk about why it fails specifically as the middle part of a trilogy. I thought the Force Awakens was a fine start and was excited to see more, but TLJ killed that enthusiasm. Let’s look at why.
First, Force Awakens posed a number of questions that intrigued me: Who is Snoke? Who is this Rey and why does she have such powerful force powers? What’s Luke been up to and how will he help? TLJ just dismissed most of those questions.
I was also intrigued by the character Finn as he didn’t seem to have any analog from the original trilogy (not really a Luke or a Han Solo) and was curious where his character ark would go. In TLJ, he just ran around in a circle and now I don’t care about him.
Not only did TLJ get rid of the questions that intrigued me, but it also defanged the main threat. Snoke was threatening because he was powerful and mysterious. Kylo and Hux are just two young goobers, though, and the Empire seems 100x less threatening now that it’s run by them.
I mean, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be worried about at the end of TLJ. They had the resistance in tatters (after lots of poor decisions), but things just seemed less scary with Snoke gone. Are you really supposed to fear Hux?
And Luke just seemed wasted. His death could have been intriguing for the next entry if it seemed like only Luke was powerful enough to take on the main threat—but there was no main threat left. Instead, he annoyed Kylo and died.
There are other criticisms of TLJ (Holdo, Rose and “war is about love”), but those would have been just minor annoyances if TLJ had at least kept up the momentum of Force Awakens. It’s main crime is it was the middle part of the trilogy but left nothing to care about in the end.
In conclusion, the failure of TLJ as the middle part of a trilogy is so objectively obvious that anyone saying they thought TLJ was great is obviously a Russian troll and part of some plot to hurt Baby Yoda. Don’t engage them. Protect Baby Yoda from Putin.

So The Mandalorian had a strong first three episodes, but in the next three it kind of became this episodic, Xena: Warrior Princess-esqe show. I mean, I’ll keep watching because Baby Yoda, but I’m hoping it gets back to the greatness of the beginning.

I missed that Admiral Ackbar was killed in The Last Jedi the first time I saw it. You really had to pay attention to see he was in the room when it blew up and I was correcting my son from putting his feet on the seat in front of him so I missed the line saying he was killed.
That one really felt like a slight against the fans. “He’s insignificant and you’re dumb for having liked him so I’m killing him off screen!” Ackbar had to go to make way for Holdo so we could learn the important Star Wars value of never question your commanding officer.
How cheesy/awesome would it be if it was Admiral Ackbar who did that stupid Holdo maneuver, with one of the Imperials yelling “It’s a trap!” just before it happened?
BTW, they really needed a throwaway, hand-wave line to make it clear you can’t just do Holdo maneuver all day every day. “There is a bliby-blooble particle stream going through the command ship. That never happens, and it gives me an idea for something I normally could not do…”

Rise of the Skywalker is PG-13 which means it gets one f-word, which it used as the very first word of the open crawl followed by “Rian Johnson.” I thought this was an effective use, but I’m guessing others will see it as divisive.

That’s it. I’m done ranting about The Last Jedi.
At least until someone mentions Star Wars again.

To try and compete with Disney who keeps putting out all those live action remakes, Netflix has released a live action remake of Team America directed by Michael Bay.

“I think I’ve finally turned a corner on this sickness!”
spends all night shaking from the chills
“I think I’ve finally turned a corner on this sickness!”
spends all night throwing up
“I’m terminally ill and this is the best I’ll ever be!”

I finally saw Peanut Butter Falcon. I think I was putting it off for a bit because I knew it would hit close to home, but in the end I think it was a good reminder of where my priorities need to be.
t’s easy to fall into fear when it comes to the future of your kids, because you don’t have a lot of control there. I just try to walk with faith and remember we’re not alone here.

I’ve never been big on “owning the libs” but for some reason I’d still really like a GIF of Baby Yoda where the cup he’s drinking from says “Liberal Tears.”

Stop pretending anything interesting happened in the impeachment hearings. You’re only encouraging it.

I can’t believe that one impeachment witness threatened to murder Trump’s child or whatever.

Here’s a good review of Ethan Nicolle’s book Brave Ollie Possum: My three older kids quickly paused their new video game they were playing when I offered to read them another chapter.

You’d think by now someone would do a “Actually, Baby Yoda Is Bad” hot take article just for the hate clicks, but I think his draw is too powerful that not even the most jaded clickbaiter can bring himself to say anything bad about the little guy.

Watching an original Scorcese film and in a week or so I get to see an original Michael Bay film. Netflix is really earning its keep.

We really need a national conversation on what rights are and how they work to combat this sort of stupidity. The right to bear arms is actually a right, but people don’t argue that the government must buy everyone an AR-15 as that isn’t how rights work.
When you argue you have right to something someone else must provide, you’re saying you have a right to take from someone else. At that point, you’re no longer arguing for freedom; you’re arguing for tyranny.

I expected all this impeachment stuff to be more interesting, but we all know how this is going to end and the lead up is just tedious with a bunch of people pretending what’s happening is momentous.

My kids are watching Elf, and it got me thinking that Jon Favreau doesn’t get enough credit. You don’t hear him mentioned among the great film makers, but he’s made a number of lasting cultural contributions such as Elf, Iron Man, and Baby Yoda.

If Pete Buttigieg isn’t homophobic, then why was he raising money to help the homeless?

I now want to impeach Trump and everyone behind the impeachment hearings.

Congratulations to the Cowboys on staying #1 in the NFC East! Why overexert yourself getting a win if you don’t need it?

They shouldn’t release The Baby Yoda Show in the morning because I can’t watch it in the morning and now I’ll be spending all work day thinking “I wonder if anything happens to Baby Yoda!”

I always tell GeForce Experience to update my drivers, forget, and then freak out for a second when my screen goes black.

Why do appeal assume a reusable bottle is better than single use plastic? Reusable means you need to clean it with soap and water which will all go into sewage. Doesn’t seem like an obviously better trade off.
I usually get the best of both worlds: When I’m out and about, I refill my reusable bottle using single use bottles.

BTW, I’m no fan of the environment. It committed genocide against the dinosaurs.

Is there a term yet for the constantly angry, constantly online left-wing white people that sunk the Beto and Harris campaigns when they tried to appeal to them? I think I’ve heard “Chapo” or something before.

So this upcoming Richard Jewell movie is a dramatization of the Trump impeachment?

Maybe The Mandalorian should also watch Mrs. Maisel’s kids; he seems much more attentive.

Saw a Truth ad on Juul that was like “Maybe it’s bad. We’re not sure.” Who is burning this money?

Of course porn is bad and it’s silly people pretend it isn’t.
But I’m a libertarian so that’s not an argument for laws or anything.

The impeachment is so boring. It really needs a breakout character like Baby Yoda. Or they should at least call Werner Herzog as a witness.

“So who is cuter: Baby Yoda or our little Baby Winchester?”
“Daddy, don’t make me choose!”

So is Trump still president? I haven’t really been following impeachment.

The episode descriptions for The Mandalorian are things like “The Manadalorian helps protect a village” and “The Manadalorian assists a rookie bounty hunter” when it should be things like “Baby Yoda drinks from a cup” and “Baby Yoda gets scared by a loud noise.”

“I mean, it’s one banana Michael. How much could it cost? $120k?”

“Robert De Niro is bitten by a radioactive leprechaun and becomes… THE IRISHMAN.”

“Wow. Since being bitten by that leprechaun, I look younger! I don’t move or sound any younger, but I look a bit younger.”

I hope she kept the gift receipt for all the gifts except the five golden rings.

The new Ghostbusters trailer looked good, but there were some women in it, so I’m wary.
Had the same problem with the new Wonder Woman trailer.

Did everyone finally give up on pretending Kwanzaa is a thing?

Little Winchester had his first ambulance ride. He has croup, and it got so bad they wanted to transfer him to a children’s hospital for observation. He’s back home now and doing well.

In the Down Syndrome forums I’m in, I see so many big health problems, but he’s done really well. Other than that first week in the NICU and this, he’s been pretty healthy.

Since ultimately all laws are enforced by people with guns, the question to ask when determining whether something should be banned is this: Am I willing to shoot someone in the face over this?

When did it become the job of whoever runs advertising to fact check all of it? When did you weirdos come out of the woodwork on that one?

Straight talk: Your problem isn’t advertising on Facebook. Your problem isn’t FOX News. Your problem is you’re horrible people with awful ideas. Until you face that, you’re never going to convince anyone other than other horrible people.

And you know if these idiots were successful in their dummy quest to get Facebook to factcheck political ads, they’d scream like a stuck pig the first time one of their favored morons got an ad pulled for being inaccurate.

“We’re going to have to pull Elizabeth Warren’s ad where she says she’s an ‘honest politician with great ideas.’ By any objective measure, she’s extremely dishonest and all her ideas are dumb.”

“Bernie Sanders, in your ad you say you won’t utterly destroy the economy. Is that a typo?”

Can you believe the 80s were actually more hopeful than now when we had the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging over us? That was a real threat that could kill us any day; not like climate change where we’re all going to roll over and die because the world got 2 degrees hotter.

If we don’t impeach the president, he could steal the election again when Russia runs $12 in Facebook ads.

Watching The Irishman, and it got me wondering whether Jimmy Hoffa was the most high profile assassination where people completely got away with it? At least, until Jeffrey Epstein.

This Brexit stuff is going to make for a great 8th season of The Crown or whatever.

Cool. Special parking for rich people.

Winchester is having a grand old time at the hospital. Lots of wires to grab and stick in his mouth.

“Trump has nuked Minnesota. This is the most evil, malicious thing a human being has ever done.”
ten minutes later
“Yeah, I guess Obama did nuke Minnesota twice, but it didn’t seem worth reporting at the time.”

Now before I tweet anything clever, I always try to remember to ask myself, “Could this be a Babylon Bee article.”

Poor little guy. He has what’s known as “E.T. toe.” Only way to cure it is to send him back to his home planet.
But it ain’t happening! He’s ours!

Time’s Person of the Year: An orange. Eat one, and you won’t get scurvy. Yay oranges!

If I ran a fire station, I’d put up the slogan “Fight fire with fire” on it just to freak everybody out.

When has “fight fire with fire” ever been good advice? Certainly not while playing Pokémon.

I’m really worried about Trump.
No, wait, I’m thinking of spiders. I’m really worried about spiders. Why won’t Congress impeach spiders?

I like how in the hospital they mark which sockets are backed by a generator so I can rest assured that, no matter what, my Air Pods will be charged tomorrow.

That Trump executive order on Judaism seems weird, but I love the way the left are approaching it.
“What’s the absolute worst way of interpreting it? DOUBLE THAT!”

Man, they really need something worse than Nazis to compare Trump to so they can finally turn things to eleven.

My wife just asked me what was going on in a Hallmark type Christmas movie playing on the hospital TV like I’m even physically capable of paying attention to such a thing.
The sum total of all my knowledge of all the Hallmark Christmas movies I’ve been exposed to: I remember someone wearing a red sweater.

People who already believe the same as Greta Thunberg thinks she’s really influential and everyone else is baffled that anyone would think she’s influential.

“I bet if we had some foreign girl repeating all the exact same rhetoric, then you’d believe us!”
“Why… why would you bet that?”
“She’ll be sailing on a yacht.”

Journalists just want to destroy random people in peace without having Clint Eastwood make movies about them, you guys.

in as whiny a voice as possible
“Well, yeah, that all really happened, but it’s really mean to point that out right now, you guys.”

Democracy may die in darkness, but from the reaction to the Richard Jewell movie, it seems like journalism is allergic to sunlight.

Really enjoying The Irishman, but I bet it’s better to watch in the theater where the audience is really getting into it and yelling things like, “Look out, Pacino, he’s Irish!”

I can never tell if something is actually happening or if this is the usual “Something is happening!” that happens multiples times each day and is promptly forgotten about.

“Come quick, everybody! Them Democrats is debating!”

Thought the showstopper for Frozen 2 was pretty uninspired.
“Let it go. Two point oh.
We’re doing this a second time.
Let it go. Two point oh.
Not altering the paradigm.”

“Kids are gonna repeat it over and over anyway.”

I don’t know how many episodes of The Crown I’ve seen now, but they’re sure taking their time in building up to her saying her famous phrase “Off with his head!”

My 4yo pulled off a perfect “Hug!” and then punched me in the belly as soon as I opened my arms wide. I didn’t see it coming at all. I’m very proud.

“I’d like to introduce the Cybertruck!”
“Jim Wallace, Associated Press. Is this a joke?”
“Far from it, Jim. This the future of trucks.”
“Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No really, is this a joke?”
“No more questions about whether this is a joke.”

I’ve heard a rumor that a bloated, mediocre blockbuster has a still bloated but slightly less mediocre cut by the original director. This is important to me.

I could see driving the Cybertruck on Mars, but on a U.S. highway we’d have a slew of auto accidents as drivers died from embarrassment.

Still, if you know any cyborg rednecks, they might love it. Hopefully there’s an optional laser rifle rack you can add to the truck bed.

The Crown makes me not want to read about history. Like I looked up Lord Mountbatten on Wikipedia and got a huge spoiler for next season.

The Cybertruck: The only commercially available truck that can be used as product placement in The Mandalorian without completely taking you out of it.

I swear Elon Musk made the Cybertruck because he loves memes so much.
“This will make the internet hilarious!”

What is the “cyber” in “Cybertruck”? It’s this. It’s already improved the internet from all us dunking on it.

I’m pretty much a free speech absolutist with just one exception: Things I disagree with

Know who I never cared for?
Adolf Hitler.

Some people are saying I stole this from Norm MacDonald, but I checked and he wasn’t even the first person to express disapproval of Hitler.

Looking through the seasons of The Simpsons, 1st season they’re figuring things out, 2nd season start to gel, and third season on it’s pure home runs where I can remember multiple great gags every episode.

I’d say the first great gag (and you can certainly dispute me on this) was in the last episode of the 2nd season.
“Hello. I’m Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.”

There is one joke from the very first episode that’s always stuck with me, though. That when Marge is writing the Christmas card.
“Lisa got straight As again, Maggie is walking, and Bart… we love Bart.”

I didn’t realize it until today, but one of my parents was actually Silent Generation (born the year before the cut off, just like I was for Gen X). I just assumed I was raised by Boomers.

The problem with out political system is you can only punish one party per election when what we need is a way to constantly punish both parties.

It’s like someone mugged you and someone stole your car and you have to choose one to go to prison and one to get $10,000. That’s not going to convince people to stop robbing you.

Man, the Baby Yoda animatronic is pretty crucial to the success of The Mandalorian. If were a Disney executive, I don’t know how I’d react to the pitch of the whole series being about Boba Fett protecting a puppet.
And I wonder if we’ll find out more about Jango Fett. The Mandalorians make a big deal about never taking off their helmets, but obviously Jango did not share those concerns. Were he (and maybe his clone Boba) outcasts?

Whoever came up with the concept of Baby Yoda needs to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Just realized what Carl Weathers calls the Mandalorian — “Mando” — is just one letter off from “Manco” — what the bounty hunter Man with No Name was called in For a Few Dollars More.

As much as I thought The Last Jedi was a terrible misstep, I’m not against Rian Johnson still getting his own Star Wars trilogy. He was horrible at doing the middle part of a trilogy, but he might do something interesting out on his own.

Was discussing how complicated a modern controller is with sixteen buttons, and I told my daughter how in my first video game system, you had one joystick and one button.
“What? How could you do anything?”

It is weird they didn’t immediately realize how limited that was.
“So, there’s one button, which can be either jump or shoot.”
“What if in a game you wanted to be able to both jump and shoot?”
“The human brain would not be able to handle such complex possibilities.”

Anyway, I started Red Dead Redemption 2 on PC with an XBox controller, and it makes use of all sixteen buttons, with sometimes a tap being different than a long press and it making a difference what they do based on the situation you’re in (combat versus riding a horse).
I feel like a need a giant cheat sheet to hang on the wall to know what to do. They give you a little tutorial the first time you do something — like hand to hand combat — but then it’s like a day before you’re back in that situation and it’s like “Wait; what do I do again?”
“Okay, what button calms the horse? I tried all the buttons and accidentally shot a rock. …Oh yeah, the joysticks are also buttons.”

For the record, here’s my sixteen button count: Four face buttons, four shoulder buttons, start and select (though they’re not called that anymore), the four digital pad directions, and the two joysticks which can be pressed as buttons.

“The Cowboys are playing the most evil team in the NFL.”
“What do you mean evil, daddy? Teams are just teams.”
“Oh, naive little girl…”

Gotta hand it to Jon Favreau; he’s given Star Wars fans exactly what they’ve always wanted, and with Baby Yoda, given them what they never knew they needed.

my daughter is playing with the Swift Playgrounds app which teaches you basic programming and starts laughing
“What if I had a function call itself?”
“Oh, dear sweet child, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to ask me a question like that.”

It seems like 90% of a toothpaste tube’s life is spent on its last 10%.

What I liked about shows when I was a kid is that they’d have ridiculous premises but there’d be no origin story and we kids never thought to ask for one.
“It’s a bunch of teenagers in a van with a talking dog solving mysteries. Any questions?”
“No. That seems reasonable.”

“He’s a sort of cyborg inspector with a bunch of gadgets inside him fighting badguys or something. Are you curious about how he came about or anything?”
“No.”

I’m not sure how I’d pet a hero dog any different than a regular dog. I’m all in every time I pet a dog. They’re all the best.

Politics no longer interests me now that I’ve found all the correct views on all the politics.

Does Warren have a plan for everyone realizing her plans are dumb?

Some people say you should avoid talking about The Last Jedi at Thanksgiving, but if any of your relatives think it’s a good Star Wars movie, it’s your moral duty to explain to them what horrible people they are.

Just keep trying to find ways to work it into the conversation.
“Wow. These mash potatoes sure are good… unlike The Last Jedi, which was bad.”

How to talk to your relatives about impeachment at Thanksgiving:
1. Put on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
2. When Trump appears on screen, yell, “That’s the guy! That’s the guy I want to impeach! Bob Trump, or something.”

“Thanks to Disney+, we can now watch all three Star Wars movies in 4K HDR.”
“Daddy, there are eight Star Wars movies.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

My favorite Star Wars moment with my kids was my daughter seeing Anakin get turned into Darth Vader and she exclaimed “Anakin got turned into Star Wars!”

“Hey, we need to hide Luke from his father.”
“Okay. Let’s give him to his father’s step family and have him keep the same last name of his father.”

I prefer the original version of the Han Solo/Greedo confrontation where Han sneaks into Greedo’s room and shoots him in the head while he’s sleeping.

My 4yo really loved the Gargoyles show and keeps running around saying, “I’m Goliath!” For some reason, she doesn’t want to pretend to be the one girl gargoyle.

If you really do feel a compelling need to talk politics at Thanksgiving, that’s very good evidence you’re a horrible human being and thus all your politics are bad.

De Niro? As a mobster? This I gotta see!

No. Wait. It’s by that guy who said a talking raccoon teaming up with a tree wasn’t “cinema.” Boycott!

Did the media figure out whether the Trump boxing image was doctored and what the purpose of such subterfuge would be?

I don’t know what I think of the way The Crown takes some liberties with history to increase drama, like the way the 3rd season ends revealing Hitler is still alive and seeking vengeance against the royal family.

Watching the Netflix’s The Knight Before Christmas with my wife, and judging by the writing, this is how it came about:
“We need you to write a movie called ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ — but it’s Knight with a K.”
“Okay, how long do I have?”
“We start filming in 10 minutes.”

I don’t have strong feeling on the Chick-fil-A thing, but I find it a bit sad if they abandoned the Salvation Army because of the urging of a bunch of people who like to yell and scream but were never going to help the homeless.

On Dagobah, they have all these fantastical creatures but also snakes. Always seemed a little lazy to me.
Is that the only regular animal in Star Wars (other than humans)?

I keep being surprised networks still have TV shows. Who watches those?

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Know what’s a small thing Apple could do which would have a big impact? Make stronger charge cords. But as far as I know, they make all their money selling replacement cords.

journalists reacting to the Trump photoshop
“This photo of Trump — he is so powerful in it! We will never defeat him! …Wait, this photo is a deception! Does Trump’s treachery know no bounds?”

Our 4yo said our baby is even cuter than Baby Yoda which was sweet of her to say, but come on.

I hear Rian Johnson’s movie Knives Out is really good but it also somehow further ruins Star Wars.

I kind of want to be done with the Cowboys now but they’re still number one in their division.

If you think Lincoln was better than Trump, then how come Lincoln never made a billion dollars?

I hope VidAngel has The Irishman so I can remove any scenes involving Italians.

“But Palpatine, aren’t the Jedi good and the Sith bad?”
“Anakin, things aren’t quite that black and white.”
“Hmm. Good point. So should I murder all the kids at the Jedi temple?”
“Oh… wow… sure. I really thought this was going to take more convincing than that.”

“Only the Sith deal in absolutes… other than the absolute that the Sith are the only ones who deal in absolutes, as that is an absolute accepted by lots of non-Sith, but any absolute beyond that is just the Sith.”

“Anakin, your journey to the dark side is complete.”
“Yep, I killed all the kids at the Jedi temple.”
“Wait… you WHAT?! Why?”
“‘Cause… ‘cause I’m on the dark side.”
“We shoot lighting out our fingers; we’re not serial killers. What is wrong… I’m calling the police.”

How can they find so many people willing to kill Baby Yoda? Even Anakin wouldn’t have been willing to kill Baby Yoda.

Trump is brash and crude, but he’s likely to win in 2020 because people are going to look at him and say here’s someone who is tough enough to protect Baby Yoda.

The special edition change to Star Wars that annoys me the most is the loss of the Yub Nub song. It’s the one big subtraction from the changes.
I get thematically why it was done—you want to show it’s a galaxy-wide celebration—but the Yub Nub song is just gone and that’s wrong.

And while we’re talking about ROTJ, why would you bring C3PO on a stealth mission?

Also, if rescuing Han from Jabba went exactly as they planned, what would have happened?

Biden unveiling his “No Malarkey” slogan is a bit like a Trump tweet in that I had to check and recheck and recheck again to make sure I wasn’t falling for a parody tweet.

“Malarkey is a gateway to shenanigans… and if you don’t put a cork in that, soon you’ll be drowning in horse feathers.”

Greedo is going on a “No Maclunkey” tour.

Probably the best thing Warner Bros. could do with Superman is sell him to the MCU.

The heavy lifting of the 4th episode of the Mandalorian is making an AT-ST seem intimidating. The Ewoks in Return of the Jedi kind of ruined that.

I really love the theme for the Mandalorian. Starts kind of westerny and ends with a more epic adventure feel like you expect from Star Wars.

Yeah, 4th episode was weakest so far, which isn’t to say it was bad. How can anything be bad with that much Baby Yoda in it?

My problem with the 4th episode of The Mandalorian clicked into place when I saw it compared to an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess. It just felt cheaper and the sort of filler conflict you’d have in a 22 episode season. Liked the character development, though.

I don’t think that stationary bike ad was very good as that woman didn’t look any thinner at the end.

I don’t know who Lisa Page is or what that’s all about and I’m just too tired to look it up. If it’s important, it will be in the critically acclaimed movie about these events 10 to 20 years from now.

“Hmm. All these apes speak English. I wonder if I just came back to Earth in the future. I’ll keep an eye out for blown up landmarks as further evidence.”