Hello, RightWingDuck here,
and it’s time for those Predictions for 2005.
See, I’ve always been gifted with prophecy. This last election, I predicted that California would vote Democrat, that Utah would vote Republican, and that CNN would be publishing their voter guide – Reasons to Vote Kerry.
So without further delay, let me look into my crystal ball and share with you some of the exciting changes coming in 2005.
Tara Reid will walk the red carpet at an award show and be horribly embarrassed that her clothes stayed on.
Michael Moore will suffer a stroke and recover. He will be so excited about life that he’ll create a series of workout videos like Richard Simmons. The videos will feature occasional snippets of President Bush playing golf.
John Edwards will suffer from a very nasty chemical reaction from bad hair care products. He will then go on to endorse a new line of Hair Products called “Recount”.
Jessica Simpson and, uh — that other guy, will go through a divorce. Launching a new series for Jessica — the Divorcee.
Michael Jackson will regain his fame with the Broadway hit, Alexander the Great — the Musical! Kids will get in free.
Rock Group King Missile, who once performed the hit, Detachable Penis, will perform for the UN and create a new hit — Detachable Backbone.
Puppy Blender Glenn Reynolds will announce his love for Debbie Reynolds. Indeed.
In celebration, he will add another ‘n’ to his name.
Andrew Sullivan claims he will support Glenn-n but only if he will concede that Gay Marriage is good.
Sullivan will reveal to the world that he has a secret crush on Groundskeeper Willie.
P. Diddy, (formerly Puff Daddy) will change his name to Gotta P.
When people see him, they’ll be so excited they’ll do a little dance.
Koffi Annan will announce his retirement and start a small business in the Cayman Islands with his son. For some reason, a small percentage of his inventory will disappear each month.
“Koju, have you seen it?”
” No dad, I gotta go. I’m off to buy a new bike.”
Al Gore will meet with an embarrassing accident. While at a Lumber Company protest, he will be mistaken for a tree.
India will undergo a dramatic cultural revolution when they discover that Hamburgers are delicious.
Bill Clinton will star in a series of Infommercials. He will receive fame and fortune for his new line of stain removers.
The ACLU will file a suit against Santa Claus saying that his Naughty/Nice list is an extension of the Patriot Act.
A computer virus will strike the world’s computers — morphing them into full grown elephants.
This will be taken by Democrats as a sign of the apocalypse.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse will begin their ride. They will be promptly shot down by a Federal Air Marshall. Or we think, he will be very neatly dressed and not in any ‘official’ uniform.
The ACLU will sue the Air Marshall for denying the horsemen their civil rights.
It will be revealed that Aquaman can only swim by using those little arm floaties
Paris Hilton will be shunned by her family when she gets caught videotaping another sex scene — at a Holiday Inn!!
Panic will ensue in Paris, France when American tourists assume that there must be thousands of dead bodies everywhere. Turns out they were just confused by the smell.
Michael Moore will be attacked by a very jealous, very angry Richard Simmons.
Muslim Terrorist will overtake CNN and begin broadcasting. Three days later, the first viewer notices.
Five days later the first complaint is filed.
**
Okay Readers. Your turn.
What are your predictions for 2005?
BTW, RightWingDuck will be hosting its first ever caption contest. Make sure you drop bylater today. Prizes and everything.
ooo, neat, I get to be first~!
I predict that every weather occurence, no matter the circumstances… will be blamed on global warming.
I also predict that Michael Moore will start a “documentary” attacking Green Peace after they attempt to toss him back into the ocean for the fifth time at the Cannes Film Festival. >:P
John Kerry will state that he served in Vietnam. This previously unknown fact will cause a mass uproar in the general population demanding a revote as most Americans would have voted for Mr. Kerry if they had known that he was a decorated war veteran.
Michael Moore will eat a baby.
A baby what…whale? Anything smaller than that wouldn’t ease his hunger pains!
Great Predications RWD…you very funny. My favorite was that P Diddy formerly know as Puff Daddy will now be known as Gotta P…perfect!
SarahK and FrankJ will suffer from some sort of close proximity bliss in FL….
Do predictions count if you know they are right in advance?
oops. Forgot one.
Frank J and Sarah K will marry and have a child. They will name her Elle Emenopee.
Gotta P.!!!! Too funny!!!
Osama bin laden will be found living in the basement of the UN in New York City where he’s been all along.
Ralph Nader will announce he is running for President in 2008 and no one will even notice.
I got a lot more respect for RIchard SImmons when he bitchslapped somebody in Vegas for making fun of his videos…
This is just pure gold:
[Fitness guru Richard] Simmons, 55, known for his tank tops, curly hair and exuberant demeanour, was ticketed for misdemeanour assault after allegedly striking the man across the face while in line at Phoenix Sky Harbour International Airport on Wednesday night, police said.
“He apparently said, ‘Hey everybody, it’s Richard Simmons, let’s drop our bags and rock to the 50s,”‘ said Sergeant Lauri Williams, a reference to a series of Mr Simmons’s well-known videos.
“Mr Simmons took offence and said he had to ‘bitch slap’ him.”
The victim, whose name was not immediately available, was described by police as a burly man known to compete in the spectator sport of cage fighting, otherwise known as mixed martial arts.
He told authorities that he wanted to press charges against Mr Simmons.
I just found it via google, dunno about the site.
On discovering that 2005 is not a leap year, Democrats in Washington will demand a recount. An extra day will be discovered in King county.
In a freak sleepwalking accident late next year, I predict the newly married Frank J will trip over Minerva and land head first into his gun cabinet. This will result in Frank thinking he’s Whoopi Goldberg causing him to have an immediate nervous breakdown from being surrounded by the Bush-Cheney bumperstickers covering his wall. Sarah K, the new IMAO Maternity Wear Babe, doing everything she can to win back Frank’s heart, will start dressing like Ted Danson and become the Florida chairwoman of the Hillary 2008 campaign.
-A former United States Attorney General will offer to help defend Saddam Hussein. (What, that already happened?)
-Two former Clinton administration officials will be implicated in a financial scandal that dwarfs Enron and the MSM will ignore it. (You’re kidding me. That happened too?)
-A natural disaster will happen somewhere and the United States, despite donating 75% of the relief money, will be called stingy by the UN (Again? I can’t believe this.)
-The Boston Red Sox will finally break the curse and win the World Series. (I have got to pay better attention.)
-An NFL star will retire early to smoke dope and then admit it to Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes. (Damn, this process of making up stupid crap is harder than it looks.)
I give up. Even my warped imagination is no match for reality.
Elle Emenopee. Not bad RWD, not bad at all. Elle’s brother could be Curious.
King Missle’s Mystical Sh*t is their best album if you haven’t heard it yet.
The left will blame all problems on other people.
Ahh crap, they are doing that now, okay I got nothing. 🙁
Since in all votes there are problems, and problems disenfranchise people, the National Voters Rights Institute gets voting declared illegal and begins appointing Democrat leaders instead, noting “it’s the only way we can protect people’s right to vote”
Services industry collapses when National ID card system is put in place and illegal aliens have to leave. System is revoked when Democrats discover they can’t get their lattes.
President Bush types “Palestine” into MapQuest, finds Roadmap to Peace.
Democratic Senators flee to Canada to avoid Republican 2/3 majorities in committees. Gutierez seeks warrants for their arrest for not appearing in Congress.
Rugh Bader Ginsburg’s ailing body kept alive by life support despite family’s attempt to disconnect her, so that Bush cannot appoint a conservative to the Supreme Court.
PlutosDad
http://eyesontheball.blogspot.com
News Satire that’s moderately right for you
frankly, I’m sick of all that anti-antlantean humor on this site. is this what you mean when you say “big tent?”
fight the power.
Michael Moore will be lynched by a mad crowd of combined Flint Michigan and Columbine residents. The rope will break three times until they turn to steel cable. [Wishful thinking really].
France surrenders [hardly a prediction]; proposes new national flag sans red and blue.
UN human rights counsel complains loudly over new evidence of Guantanamo prisoner torture: “The infidels keep me behind bars all day and call me names!” sobbed one terrorist.
The UN condems Israel because … because … (Think Kofi, think) well, because they’re Joooooooooos!
My predictions for 2005 are quite simple really. Looking into my crystal ball I see lots and lots of dead terrorists. I see Liberals wringing their hands all year because our government is making it too hard for terrorists to enter the country and exercise their Allah-given right to kill American infidels. The one thing I can’t see for 2005–maybe my crystal ball is a little cloudy right now–is a Fenchman taking a bath. Go figure.
This segment is a total rip off of my blog http://www.aaronstigall.blogspot.com
I made my 2005 predictions earlier… http://aaronstigall.blogspot.com/2004/12/predictions-for-2005.html
Or maybe not..
Hardee’s will be brought before a Senate subcommitee when Michael Moore chokes to death on a Monster Thickburger.
Democrats will blame Karl Rove.
Rightwing, you stole my idea…
SarahK will become SarahJ. ^_^
-007
I think Hardee’s would be up for a medal Confederate Yankee
Tupac Shakur will release a new album, even though he’s dead.
Elle Emenopee! i heart it! well, the Elle part anyway.
and i love the “Gotta P.”
PlutosDad
President Bush types “Palestine” into MapQuest, finds Roadmap to Peace.
Gotta disagree, my friend. As the former Governor of the Republic of Texas, Pres. Bush knows that any decent mapping site will show “Palestine” (pronounced ‘Palesteeen’, BTW) is in Anderson County southeast of Dallas.
http://mappoint.msn.com/(qkkvrmyndzr3pdneehafdj45)/map.aspx?L=USA&C=31.76169%2c-95.63204&A=41.56667&P=|61D3|&TI=Palestine%2c+Texas%2c+United+States
Even though sarahk is from the other side of the state, I’m sure she knows this.
007: Wouldn’t that be SarahF?
Two days after New Years,Dick Clark will be released from the hospital.That same evening,he will be seen roaming the streets of Manhattan’s Upper West Side,with a Louisville Slugger and a .38 Special,calling out “Oh Regis..Reeg?..Come out come out,wherever you arrre!”.
This Spring,George Michael and Elton John will record an inspirational album for the DNC titled,”We’ll be back on our knees in no time”.
SarahKJ
I predict I shall double the number of people who have been to my blog, bring the number up to 4
P. Diddy, (formerly Puff Daddy) will change his name to Gotta P.
Too good!! Mega blogger kudos to you, RWD!
My predictions:
Fading celebrity Madonna suffers embarrassment when it is discovered she has been accidentally reading her Kabbalah books upside down. Instead of attaining Enlightenment, she has been steadily progressing toward its polar opposite, which Torah scholars call Enmasshuginahment.
The MoveOn’ers and DU crew call for mass protests over Bush’s simultaneous cancellation and theft of the ’05 election. Eventually a spokesperson will be quoted as saying, “Every four what?”
“Michael Moore will be caught with Susan Sontag’s body.”
“Only way he could dig up date”
RWD’s site will become as popular as sarahk’s site was in ’04, but sarahk’s site will be as popular as IMAO was in ’04…so you’ll never really catch up!
Michael Moore will finally be released into the wild after so many years of captivity down at Sea World. Wait a minute, why do his orderlies keep calling him Shamoo. Must be his middle name.
Michael Moore will make an honest documentary. Nobody will watch.
The Democrats won’t attempt to steal an election.
I win the lotto.
I think the odds on the last prediction are the best.
The MSM will do it’s best to downplay (and if possible, completely ignore) the the January 30th Iraqi Elections.
The US will bomb either Syria or Iran (my bet is Syria).
Al Queda will attack another Western country other than the US. Elites will rush to blame the US for the attack because of it’s “policies”.
NARAL and Planned Parenthood will begin advocating the use of suicide bombing as a means of dealing with those infants who escape the wrath of ‘Choice’. The media will refer to these suicide bombers as ‘Women’s Health Activists’.
John Kerry will come out strongly in favor of gay marriage after he finds out how much Bill Gates is worth.
John Edwards will file a ‘fifty-kajillion dollar’ lawsuit against each and every person who did not vote for him. The suit will be quietly dropped after an incident in Melbourne, Florida, in which Edwards is forcibly reminded of the old adage, “My .45 trumps your law degree.”
Courtney Love will star in a new reality TV show called ‘Who Wants to Marry a Drug-Addled Skank?’
France will launch a new nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, the 40,000 ton ‘Esprit d’Fromage’. On its maiden voyage, it will sight a medium-sized school of herring off its port bow and the ship will be courageously scuttled to avoid capture.
Members of Moveon.Org will join forces with Al-Qaeda to overthrow the American government, but will fail miserably.
The mainstream media will refuse to call them terrorists, the Daily Kos and democratic underground will decribe them as heroes, and the ACLU will defend them, claiming they were exercising their right to free expression.
They become offended when conservatives question their patriotism.
On January 19th,FrankJ and SarahK will arrive at the Orlando Airport,to board a flight to Washington DC for the Presidential Inauguration.While standing in line to have their bags checked,they will find themselves sandwiched between HFL and Michael Moore.Much kung fu fighting will ensue.
The Ball in Times Square will be replaced by Michael Moore in a sequined jumpsuit, sliding down a Stripper pole.
My eyes! My eyes! the goggles they do nothing, some one call Edwards I am sueing Nighthawk for that imagery!
it is seared, SEARED into my brain….and, no, i’m not related to that hawk!
Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore finally throw down the gloves and fight to the death. The match is ended when they accidently merge together, creating Moorbaugh, a politically moderate supervillain. Aquaman falls first, then the rest of the Justice League. With every superhero out of the way, Moorbaugh seizes the U.S. presidency by force, where his first action as president is hampered by his own newfound political contradictions. Moorbaugh explodes at his first State of the Union Address, leaving the federal government in shambles. Each U.S. state secedes and becomes its own country. Florida and Georgia form an alliance and together become world superpowers by exporting tasty fruit. The terrorists lose!
My prediction for 2005 is that you will forget it just as fast as you did 2004, and will be thankful.
John McCain will be inspired by an elvis sighting and start dressing in a black wig with long hair and going “uh huh, uh huh, uh huh..” while preparing for the 2008 primaries.
his first CD will be in stores in 2006.
micheal moore will go to france. even the french notice the fowl odor from the tourist. they call him “la terroriste” and surrender immediately.