OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – During a recent political rally in Iowa, former Vice President and current Democratic Presidential Candidate Joe Biden promised to give America the “cure for cancer”, but vowed that the only way he would release it was if the country acquiesced to his demand to be made President.

“I promise you if I’m elected president, we’re going to cure cancer,” Biden told supporters at a rally in Ottumwa. “But if I’m not elected, then all your loved ones who have cancer will die from it. Is that really what you want to have happen? Do you really hate the people closest to you that much? Does your puny little vote mean so much to you that you would trade human lives for it rather than give it to me? Are you some sort of monster? Do you kick puppies for fun, too? Think it over carefully, people. The deaths of millions would be on your head. Make the right choice. Make the smart choice. Vote Biden, 2020. That way nobody has to die.”

At a hastily-called press conference, President Trump said that the Biden “hostage situation” was “a national security issue” and that all options were “on the table.”

“Obviously,” said Trump, “our goal here is to free the cancer cure with as little collateral damage as possible, but America has a policy of not negotiating with terrorists. If we can get it out with a few smoke bombs and a SWAT team, we’ll do that. If it takes a tactical nuclear strike… well, we’ll probably ‘miss’ and hit Iran’s uranium enrichment facility, that way we’ll have plausible deniability. Nevertheless, the forces of good will prevail. Stay strong, little cancer cure! We’re coming for you!”

Asked to provide proof that the cancer cure was still alive, an embarrassed Biden admitted he couldn’t, since nobody makes print editions of newspapers anymore to use as evidence that the picture was taken on today’s date.

[IMAO Ace Reporter Anonymiss contributed to this story]
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