BOSTON (AP) – Thanks in part to new evidence recently discovered in a Boston attic, historians have confirmed a new theory that the participants in the famous precursor protest to the American Revolutionary War – the Boston Tea Party – actually disguised themselves as blond-haired, blue-eyed women while tossing crates of tea into Boston Harbor.

Local historian Henry Jones, Jr. said that the discoveries overturned conventional notions of how the brave American rebels were actually dressed during their daring raids on the Dartmouth, Eleanor, and Beaver

“People have very specific notions when they hear the retelling of the Boston Tea Party narrative,” said Jones. “One of those notions is that the participants who boarded the ships, grabbed the tea, and threw it overboard had disguised themselves as Native Americans. You know – feathers, war paint, rain dances, selling cheap beads and blankets to tourists, that sort of thing. However, new evidence discovered in the attic of a mansion in a Boston suburb paints a very different picture. According to eyewitness descriptions, these ‘Indians’ were actually blue-eyed, blond-haired women. This is backed up by several pencil sketches showing that these participants had very high cheekbones.”

“The odd thing, though,” noted Jones, “was that most of the participants in these sketches appeared to be women. Which doesn’t really make sense, because crates of tea weighed an average of 100 pounds, and women have an inherent lack of upper body strength which would make them incapable of hoisting a tea crate up from the ship’s hold and then lifting it over the railing into the harbor.”

Feminist historian Peggy Sanger – less confused by the apparent conflict of facts than her peer – offered her own clarifying interpretation.

“Jones is a man. Therefore a dumb, short-sighted, oppressive tool of the patriarchy. Obviously these were actual women in these drawings. Women who used to be men, and who retained the robust physiology required to cast off the shackles of a repressive breakfast beverage. Only a short-sighted misogynist like Jones would think otherwise. Strong, proud, Aryanesque, Native-American women are indisputably responsible for the Boston Tea Party.”

At press time, tests to determine the documents’ authenticity were able to confirm that the information contained therein was at least 1/1024th accurate.

[IMAO Ace Reporter Anonymiss contributed to this story]

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