WASHINGTON DC (AP) – After over two years of attempting to arrest, indict, embarrass, harm, stop, stall, or even marginally interfere with the implacable forward progress of President Trump using a wide array of convoluted tricks, schemes, and scandals, Congressional Democrats are now determined to exact retribution for their continual failures from the ACME Manufacturing Company, Inc., claiming that the company’s products are both defective and hazardous, and that they have consistently allowed President Trump to get away.

During this time period, numerous Democrats have used ACME products in their political machinations, however, due to the humiliation involved, very few were willing to discuss their experiences on the record. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered the following statement.

“I remember when Trump called me into the Oval Office to discuss funding the border wall, and I had this feeling that he might try leaving before I could get on camera and cut him down with childish name-calling. So I took some ACME Wall Paint and made a fake archway into the next room. Sure enough, 2 minutes into the meeting, he runs out, but somehow he runs THROUGH the archway I painted. I tried running through the archway after him, but I hit the wall face-first and splayed out flat against it. That’s why I have this bandage on my nose. It is NOT – as some people have suggested – from cosmetic surgery. That’s the other bandage on my nose.”

Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib recalled her own encounter with the elusive President.

“I put a can of Diet Coke in the middle of the road next to a check from Russia – Trump loves Diet Coke – figured I’d take a really incriminating collusion picture. Then I remembered how he ran away from Nancy, so I strapped myself to an ACME rocket so I could catch him when he did. When he took off, I went to go light the fuse and BOOM! The rocket exploded immediately, I’m black with soot from head to toe, and Trump got clean away. With MY Diet Coke!”

At the time we interviewed Senator Chuck Schumer after his Trump experience, he had been compressed into a two-foot tall cylinder with just his arms and legs sticking out. As it was difficult to understand him over the accordion noises he made with every step, the interview was brief.

“Fell off a cliff. ACME anvil fell on me. ACME umbrella did nothing. I don’t wanna talk about it,” Schumer said before accordioning away.

By way of comment on the investigation, President Trump offered only the single brief and cryptic tweet: “Meep Meep”.

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