I love Weird Al.
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Archive of entries posted on 14th June 2019
Extinction Isn’t Always a Bad Thing. Looking at YOU, Smallpox…
A new report shows that there are a “frightening” number of plant extinctions occurring worldwide.
Is it wrong that every year I keep checking this list hoping that dandelions will show up on it?
5 Eyes Doesn’t Seem Logical, But Technically, It’s Symmetrical, So I Guess…
[When Earth Was In Beta | The Cambrian Tier List] (Viewer #762,725)
Interesting… the only one of these I’d even heard of was the trilobite.
Link of the Day: A Flag Gets Folded Ceremonially With 13 Folds. They Each Have a Meaning…
[High Praise! to the American Legion Auxiliary Blog via Anonymiss]
The symbolism of the 13 folds of the U.S. Flag
Bonus Link from Ammo.com:
Flag Day: The Forgotten History of America’s Flag Day and What It Commemorates
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
The Quotable PatriotRetort: Not Really Outraged
From: “Answering a hypothetical question is not illegal” via Whatfinger.com [High Praise!]
Here’s a little inside baseball for you. The media talking heads and Democrat politicians who are well-I-nevering over Trump’s answer to this hypothetical question? They really aren’t outraged at all.
Their outrage is like a rip tide. The purpose is to drag unsuspecting people out away from reality and into the tumultuous deep waters of delusion.
Trump Truths: Flag
President Trump issued a reminder to Democrats this Flag Day that the official American holiday for setting things on fire is Independence Day.
Socialism and Garfunkle (Song Parody)
(To the tune of “America” by Simon and Garfunkle)
♩
Let us be losers, we’ll marry all fortunes together
Taxes on real estate, beer, and on blogs
So we taxed each pack of cigarettes
Venezuela-like
And set out to knock off the middle class
♩
“Gatsbys,” I called them, as we boarded up downtown Pittsburgh
“Revenue seems like a stream to me now.”
We took our pages of tax hikes to Washington
And we’ve come to loot all America
♩
Laughing at the rubes
Playing games
In their faces.
She said the man in the gabardine suit looked alt-right
I said, “That’s too bad, his audit shows really high income.”
♩
Taxes more vigorous . . .
I think there’s one on a raincoat.
We hiked the last one an hour ago.
So I looked into usury, and she read a 1040.
As demands rose over our cash supply…
♩
“Fascism costs,” I said, though I knew we were slipping;
“Coffers empty and aching, and I don’t know why”
Count all the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike:
They’re all taxed to fund our America
Income? Good luck, America
Outflow, well good luck, America
♩ ♩ ♩♩ ♩♩
This Is Why We Need Affirmative Action!
As Democrat Presidential Candidates Promise to Tax the Rich, Democrat Voters Continue Telling Themselves That This Time It Won’t Include Them
“Tax hike? Nah! This time I’m totally gonna dodge that bullet.”
Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, while mired in low single digits in polling, roared out his plan to balance the budget on the backs of the rich like a mighty lion.
“Fundamental to this experiment, to America, and our democracy, is ensuring we don’t have princes and princesses, kings and queens, a concentration of wealth and power and privilege. That is exactly what we have in this country right now. A wealth tax on the richest Americans would generate revenue for our common benefit, such as infrastructure projects and health care,” said O’Rourke, before driving away in a limousine with his billionaire heiress wife, Amy.
Kelly Bundy, a long-time Beto fan, expressed her enthusiasm for his message.
“He’s absolutely right, we have to remove the power and the privilege from the wealthy. I remember when President Obama did it by taxing tobacco and tanning beds. I thought, ‘Yeah! Stick it to the man!’ Then I remembered that I smoke and I like fake-baking. So weird. I mean, I’m just a cashier at the local Kroger. I’m not rich. But, ya know… I just TRUST Beto. He wouldn’t let that happen to me again. He’s a good man.”
Front-runner Joe Biden didn’t mince any words when it came to laying out who should pay for what in our great nation.
“I’d crack down on polluting companies, which disproportionately harm communities of color and low-income communities. I’ll fund clean energy research by reversing the excesses of the Trump tax cuts for corporations, reducing incentives for tax havens, evasion, and outsourcing, ensuring corporations pay their fair share, closing other loopholes in our tax code that reward wealth not work, and ending subsidies for fossil fuels,” said Biden before driving away in a limousine with his wife, Jill, and getting 3 miles to the gallon all the way home, which was only slightly less than the entourage of Secret Service agents tailing him were getting in their up-armored SUVs.
Harry Dunne, who considers Joe Biden “a genius,” placed himself foursquare in the 76-year-old Democrat’s camp.
“Joe’s absolutely right, and he’s been right for years. It’s the fault of corporations that I don’t have more money. I Facebook that or something like it nearly every day from my iPhone when I go out for a Starbucks and a lottery ticket. Where’s the justice? Where’s the fairness? I still remember when Bill Clinton was President. He ran on a middle class tax cut, then BAM! turned around and socked the rich real good that year! They never saw it coming. I had a few taxes go up that year, myself. Don’t remember why. Anyway, I’m glad we’ve got ol’ Uncle Joe around to really nail those rich suckers while protecting little guys like me from higher taxes.”
Still hanging onto 2nd place with barely doubLe-digit polling, Bernie Sanders made a pitch familiar to members of his political base.
“Healthcare, yeah, is a right, making sure that our kids can get a higher education is a right, that we rebuild our crumbling infrastructure is a basic need,” Sanders said. “That’s going to cost money.”
“But at a time when the people on top have so much while the middle class shrinks and we have so many people living in poverty, if your question is am I going to demand that the wealthy and large corporations start paying their fair share of taxes, the answer is – darn right I will. People say, where are you going to get the money? Where are you going to get the money? THAT’S where we’re going to begin getting the money,” said Sanders before driving away in a limousine with his wife Jane to one of the three mansions that he owns.
Self-described “Bernie groupie” Biff Tannen said that he was “relieved” that the wealthy would finally pay their fair share.
“Those stupid wealthy always seem to weasel out of things. I remember when Obama said that if you make less than $250,000 a year you ‘will not see your taxes go up one dime.’ When he said that, I thought the key word was ‘not’. Turned out it was ‘one’. I’m STILL paying a lot of extra dimes for my health insurance. But I’m sure it was a lot worse for those rich guys. Anyway, Bernie’s smart enough to know how to keep anything like that from happening to me again. Ya know… somehow… I just believe in the guy.
“Figure if he was a con man trying to pull a fast one,” mused Tannen, “he’d have a more trustworthy-looking haircut, like Jon Lovitz.”
[IMAO Ace Reporter Anonymiss contributed to this story]
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Straight Line of the Day: Asked Who She Thought Should Be President, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Said…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Asked who she thought should be President, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said…
Flag Day, 2019
On June 14, 1777, the Second Continental Congress adopted the United States flag. We now know this day as Flag Day.
Our country’s flag has flown proudly since Revolutionary War. During this country’s expansion across the continent, the flag flew. As the nation was torn apart by a civil war less than 90 years after its founding, the flag flew. During this country’s defense of liberty in the two world wars, the flag flew. When man broke free of the earth and landed on the moon, the flag flew. When the rebuilding began after Islamic terrorists attacked this nation, the flag flew. And, despite many objections by those on the left, the flag still flies.
Traditionally, the president issues a proclamation observing Flag Day, and has done so this year.
We joint in encouraging everyone to show proper respect and allegiance to the flag of the United States, in accordance with the proper rules of etiquette.
The flag represents this great nation. Fly it proudly.
The Illustrated Frank J: It’s Not Even an Absolute, It’s Just Relative
15 Fun Facts About the American Flag
(Reposted from 2012)
Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.
Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
______________
Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]
3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”
4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01” door decals.
5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 59 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.
6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.
7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.
8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.
9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.
10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.
11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.
12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.
13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.
14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.
15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
______________
And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.
To Be Fair, There Was That Empty Space Between Flag Day and Father’s Day That Desperately Needed Filling
Dozens of liberal groups around the country are setting June 15th as #ImpeachTrump Day of Action.
Meh. All these new Hallmark Holidays. Why, it seems like just yesterday it was #WipeHerServer Day.
U. S. Army: 244 years
June 14, 1775. The Second Continental Congress established a unified Army of the colonies. George Washington was named commander-in-chief.
Today marks the 244th anniversary of that event.
Happy birthday, Army!