Archive of entries posted on 20th June 2019

Don’t Make Me Quote Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology At You

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[How optical illusions trick your brain – Nathan S. Jacobs] (Viewer #973,542)

Optical illusions are often used by shyster philosophers to prove you can’t trust the evidence of your senses. However, it’s precisely because you CAN trust them that optical illusions work, because the shortcuts your senses take to process information quickly and efficiently are consistent and universal.

[title reference link]

Zuckerberg Buys Alcatraz Island to House Violators of New Facebook Hate Speech Policy

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You can bet these guys will never compliment Chick-Fil-A in public again

MENLO PARK (AP) – As part of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s plan to have the most aggressive anti-hate speech policy on social media, the billionaire entrepreneur purchased the entire island of Alcatraz, including its prison facilities, with the intention of housing policy violators there.

Zuckerberg explained his decision to finally put some much needed “teeth” into a policy that is often just words and air on other platforms.

“Facebook opposes hate speech,” said Zuckerberg. “Also hate agents, hate statements, hate signals, hate ideologies, hate entities, hate symbols, hate slogans, hate paraphernalia, and neutral statements about the aforementioned hate items. However, until now, all we’ve been able to do is deplatform violators. But then they just go to Gab and go right on hate-speeching, because the stupid government won’t let us control everyone’s speech even though it’d be best for everyone.”

“Then I thought, well, they sure couldn’t do what they wanted if they were in prison. Epiphany! I’ll just buy a prison and put all the people I don’t like in it.”

But where to find a prison? Zuckerberg considered several possibilities. The first of which, a penal colony on Devil’s Island, had recently been taken off the market after being purchased by a former prisoner who’d turned it into a butterfly sanctuary.

Second choice was Gitmo, but after brief consideration, Zuckerberg decided against it.

“Gitmo is already full of falsely accused victims of racism,” Zuckerberg said, “and I didn’t want to traumatize them by putting a bunch of alt-righties in their midst. I couldn’t risk them getting hate-speeched. Which is just like waterboarding, except with words instead of water. They’d probably call it ‘wordboarding.'”

“Finally, though, I decided on Alcatraz,” said Zuckerberg. “San Fran didn’t want to sell because it’s the only place in the Bay area that’s not hip deep in homeless people, but I just shoveled more cash into the back of the ol’ money truck. That did the trick. Man! California politicians just loooove their money!”

Alcatraz’s first inmate of the Facebook era – an unrepentant thug known on the street as “Tiny Tim” – protested the injustice of his 20-year sentence.

“All I said was I hate eggplants. I’m five years old! I hate ALL vegetables!”

As of this writing, Tim had been sentenced to an additional 20 years for disparaging Comatose-Americans.

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< Liberals Furious Over Trump’s “Secret Russian Ties” Men’s Neckwear Line

Instant Drama (Song Parody)

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(To the tune of “Instant Karma” by John Lennon)

♫

Instant Drama’s gonna get you
Take you out to the woodshed
You better get yourself together:
Pretty newsreaders’ll mock what you said.
What in the world were you thinking of?
Laughing in the face of Gov?
What on earth are you tryin’ to undo?
We’re bigger than you
Yeah, you . . .

Instant Drama’s gonna get you:
Gonna look into your case;
Better get yourself together, media darlin’
Everything’s about race!
CNN, MSNBC
And all the other tools agree:
Who on earth do you think you are?
A media superstar?
Well, play it right, you are . . .

Well we’ll all chime in
Like Che, Mao, and Stalin
Yeah we’ll all chime in
In any case, we win!

InstaTrauma(™)’s gonna get you
A Ford or not, win or defeat.
Better recognize your betters
Or you’re just gonna be Red meat
.
Why in the world should we care
Level playing field or playing fair?
Why on earth are you here
When you’re not even queer?
Come on, pretend you like beer . . .

Well we all have skeletons
Illegitimate affairs or sons
Yeah we all hide tons —
Compromise when you’re compromised
It’s on on and on . . .
Yeah yeah . . .
“Alt-right” . . .
Uh huh . . . Ah-Hah!

♫

Because This Is How You Can Get Your Name Included in a Newsish Fakery Post

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I’m gonna try an experiment.

I’ve seen other blogs run direct-contribution fundraisers through Paypal, and I’ve thought about doing it myself, but straight-up begging felt weird. The classier joints that do this usually offer something in exchange. Like artwork or a novel or something. Well, I don’t have anything spiffy like that.

But it occurred to me that what I *could* give to contributors is the opportunity to have their names appear in a Newsish Fakery post as an interviewee. Your choice of being either on the side of goodness and light, or evil and darkness in one of my little one-act satirical morality plays. Real name, screen name, nickname… your call.

Or if you don’t want your name in the piece, I could just list you at the bottom as “IMAO Ace Reporter [your name] contributed to this article”

Generally, I reserve Ace Reporter status for people who inspire some aspect of an article, and I find having money thrown at me to be very inspirational.

Now the caveats:

1) I only write one of these per weekday, and none on weekends. Depending on how many sign up, it could be a while.

2) The creative process is a harsh mistress, and – this sounds weird, but it’s true – I don’t have 100% control over where my muse goes, and sometimes the integrity of a particular piece might demand that there be no interviewee. So some days, there will be no names, and no progress on the list.

3) In the event of non-performance on my part, your remedy is to ask for and receive your contribution back, (or maybe we can talk about it and come up with another mutually satisfactory arrangement).

Suggested contribution? I’m not really sure. Let’s try this scenario…

Imagine you bump into me at Dairy Queen, you find out I’m Harvey from IMAO, and you say “Hey! Great to meet you! Let me buy you a…”

Ice cream cone?
Lunch?
Blizzard cake?
Blizzard cake for me AND one to take home to the family? (Yeah, I’m gonna eat the first one here. I like ice cream. Every man has his weakness)

So, there’s the experiment. Maybe this turns out to be more trouble than it’s worth for me, and I never do it again. Maybe I bring it back at a future date to be determined. We’ll see.

Hit the PayPal “Donate” button below if you’re so inclined, and I thank you.






Oh, and if the PayPal button is missing, that means I had so many people contribute that I took it down to keep myself from being swamped with work orders.

IMAO Reader Survey #32

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National security is always an important topic. How the various candidates for president feel about security is of great importance to the voters.

What does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez see as America's greatest security risk?

  • Newspapers that print whole sections marked "Classified" (86%, 38 Votes)
  • Other (Provide details in the comments) (9%, 4 Votes)
  • Declassifiying documents (2%, 1 Votes)
  • Foreign hackers (2%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 44

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