WASHINGTON DC (AP) – Succumbing to pressure from being behind in the polls, Democrat presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders unveiled his new plan for bringing socialism to the United States. Instead of slowly strangling America’s economy with senseless regulations and government programs that lead to bloated bureaucracies that can only be funded by hyperinflation of the nation’s currency, Sanders vowed to quickly leap to socialism’s endgame of having government forces brutally crack down on public gatherings of innocent citizens protesting food shortages.

During a recent campaign stop, Sanders outlined his vision for our nation’s future.

“Friends,” said Sanders, “our collective enemy, Donald Trump, presents us with the bleakest of futures. Everyone working at some low-wage job, like burger-flipper or political intern. I offer a different vision. I want to try REAL socialism for a change. Which, it turns out, is just like every other form of socialism that’s ever been tried, only worse. Instead of doing that ‘slowly crumbling’ thing where it took Venezuela 20 years to go from prosperous nation to ubiquitous starvation, a country under REAL socialism will plummet to disaster like a school bus off a cliff. Except you’ll have to get out and push the school bus and then jump back in once it starts rolling again because there won’t be any gasoline.”

“However,” added Sanders brightly, poking one bony finger toward the sky, “real socialism is more efficient! None of this dragged-out torture where the currency slowly becomes worthless as the government spends more and prints more until inflation is a million percent and there’s increasingly worse shortages of basic luxuries, then conveniences, then necessities, until people start rioting in the streets over crusts of bread. Nope! I plan to declare the dollar worthless on day one and replace it with trillions and trillions of Bernie Bucks which will be even more completely worthless. I expect to be able to start cracking down on food rioters before my first State of the Union Address.”

“Now, some of you will wonder why I’m saying this out loud,” said Sanders, a contemptuous smile curling his lip. “Won’t this scare people off? Get me labelled as a political pariah? Possibly a power-mad sociopath? Pfffft! Evidently you haven’t met my voter base. They’ve read history books. They’ve heard the statistics on how many people socialism has killed. They’ve read news stories about the brutality and deprivation in North Korea, Cuba, and Venezuela. They can see it for themselves any time they want. But they don’t want. So if they can ignore the very evidence of their eyes to believe that socialism is a good idea, I’m pretty sure that every ear that hears these words is getting ignored, too.”

“Until I say this part,” Sanders said, throwing both fists into the air. “Each and every one of you who believe my promises will end up with me, in the ruling elite, on the safe side of the billy clubs and rubber bullets and not one of you will go hungry. Ever! I promise you this. Socialism is the answer. The only question is ‘will you give me the power to make that answer a reality?'”

“Vote Sanders 2020. Thank you.”

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