Are You Being Served?

Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up…
First floor: Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes. Going up…

Are you being served, sir?

Yes, we come from Iran. We look for freedom and democracy. You have a president? Mr. Bush? He help us, no?

I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Bush has retired.

Yes, old Mr. Bush, you fire. We know. We want young Mr. Bush.

The confusion is understandable, sir. Both old Mr. Bush and young Mr. Bush have left our service.

You have Clinton?

Yes, as a matter of fact. Mrs. Clinton, are you free?

I’m free, Captain Peacock.

No, no. Not woman Clinton. Man Clinton, he help in Kosovo.

I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Clinton has retired as well. If Mrs. Clinton won’t do, perhaps our Junior, Mr. Obama can assist.

Obama? I like name. We talk with him.

Mr. Obama, are you free?

I’m free, Captain Peacock.

These good people would like some freedom and democracy.

Freedom and democracy? Ah, I see. Well, um, it’s, um, like this, you see. Um, we don’t really provide freedom and democracy.

But neighbor Iraq get freedom and democracy from you.

Oh, sir, not from me. No, sir. Not from me. Not at all. We did have a man here recently that, I believe, provided freedom and democracy to Iraq. But that was wrong. Very wrong, sir.

But Iraq like freedom and democracy. Oh, it not fit exactly, but Mr. Bush tell them it ride up with wear. And that happen. Now we want freedom and democracy.

If I might beg your pardon sir, didn’t you have a free and democratic election recently? That seems to me to be freedom and democracy already.

We have election. But it, how do you say, not a free and democratic election.

Oh, but sir. There was a selective recount, wasn’t there? And there were more votes cast than people living there, were there not? That’s how the Democrats in my country do it.

You will not help me with freedom and democracy?

Oh, I don’t see how I could, sir. But if you would bring your leaders here, I’m sure I can charm them so that they will just ooze freedom and democracy.

I see we have come to wrong place.

Thank you for coming by, sir. We hope we can be of asssitance in the future.

Ah, young Mr. Obama. I was watching how that was handled that. You’ve all done very well!

Thank you, Mr. Soros.

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America’s Greatest Crime

Puerto Rico does not want a new monkey breeding facility. Apparently, in the ’60s and ’70s monkeys escaped from a facility and now plague a whole town there.

I had never heard of this.

In school I was taught about how America slaughtered Indians, enslaved people, and interred the Japanese, but I guess they decided to keep hidden America’s worst crime of all: plaguing the Puerto Ricans with monkeys.

And now it could happen again.

Yes, they claim the monkey breeding facility is “inescapable”, but anyone evil enough to actually breed monkeys will probably one day just release them on an unsuspecting populace just for laughs.

Call your congressman and tell them to say no to monkey breeding in Puerto Rico. This world has enough horrors already; it doesn’t need more monkeys.

(hat top to Michael J. Nelson)

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lolbama! Part 17

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at

Lots of good entries this week, so I’m sitting this one out & letting the submissions speak for themselves.

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From 667:

Also from 667:

Also also from 667:

Also also also from 667:

From Anon:

From dneff:

From LF:

From Raving Lunatic:

Also from Raving Lunatic:

From Beast:

From Colorado Right:

From Elwin:

From Peregrine John:

From Shane:

From Velvet Elvis:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

NOTE: “If I only had a brain” will probably have multiple submissions. You might want to try something else completely, or at least use a more indirect Scarecrow-related caption.

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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War Against Wall Street

My uncle, financial planner and radio show host Bruce Lefavi, has a site War Against Wall Street to try to find solutions to the mess we’re in now, who should be fined, jailed, executed… that sort of thing. He has a blog on it now to try and explain some of the financial issues going on that are a bit beyond me, like whether Obama’s socialist programs will lead to inflation or deflation. Anyway, hopefully something can fix the financial mess before we’re all back to being hunters and gatherers.

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Anger at What You Don’t Understand

Ever seen Salon’s “Ask a Wingnut” column? In it, a right-winger tries to calmly explain conservative opinions to liberals. If you look at the comments, though, you can see the problem. Liberals squeal like stuck pigs if even exposed to a counter viewpoint.

I think this one of the big problems of the conservative and liberal divide. Conservatives in general are much more capable of dealing with opposing viewpoints. We have to be. We’re constantly bombarded with liberal talking points in the news, TV shows, movies, and music. And liberal opinions are not completely foreign to us. You take a conservative and remove some values like honor and responsibility, and you get to a liberal. Since their values are a subset of our own, we can understand them.

But with liberals, they understand conservative opinions about as well as the monkeys in 2001 understood the obelisk. They shriek and get angry and want to smash it with blunt things. They try to reduce conservative opinions down to their own myopic values, but when unable they just conclude that conservative must be stupid and evil since liberals are incapable of understanding them.

So next time a liberal freaks out, try and understand why. It’s scary when things are beyond your understanding. And also punch them in their dumb monkey faces when they speak because I’m tired of dealing with them.

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Gun Laws Anger People with Guns

So Massachusetts is planning on imprisoning citizens who try to buy more than one gun in a thirty day period. I don’t know if it will be wise to go after these people, though; apparently they have multiple guns. If I were going to mindlessly pick on lawful citizens, I’d go after those who don’t buy guns, personally.

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Random Thoughts

How much do I have to pay to not hear anything more about the John Edwards sex tape?

They might as well sentence Madoff to life in prison because at his age I don’t think he’ll live 150 more years.

Perez Hilton and Rose O’Donnell should team up and do a talk show together. Then again, the larger one would probably end up eating the smaller one.

If Sotomayor is made a Supreme Court Justice, can other judges sue Obama for hiring on race instead of merit?

Can we sue America for the election of Obama as a hiring based on race instead of merit?

I think one of the reasons I feel so bad about Billy Mays dying is that I had the ShamWow guy in my dead pool.

I wonder if China will take California in exchange for debts we own. Hopefully they’re that stupid.

Dude, Slipknot, calm down. There’s no reason to scream.

Man, I wish I was in the military. If they one day plot a coup, I’ll be so out of the loop.

Even assuming Obama knows much I am unawares, why is he jumping to attention on Honduras when we had to drag him kicking and screaming on Iran?

So do I believe Honduras or Castro, Obama, and Chavez on whether the rule of law was followed?

Do you think Rep. Waxman’s face is strategic? You’re drawn to make fun of it when you really should be making fun of his intelligence.

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Obama is so useless and ineffective as president that…

…the Honduran military got a court order to depose him too.

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I Know Where This Is Going

It seems like Obama is really set on destroying the American economy with his cap and trade energy tax, his taking over healthcare, and his “stimulus” spending. But why?

I think I’ve figured it out.

In 2012, we’re all going to like super-hate Obama and be like, “Let’s get rid of the bum!” But when we get to voting booths, they’ll be like, “I’m sorry, but the country is completely out of money and we can’t afford any ballots.”

So, with no money for an election, Obama will announce, “I’m president now for forever and ever!”

Then we’ll go to get a court order to remove him like the Honduran military, but Sotomayor will be there and she’ll be like, “Wise Latina Senses tingling!” And she’ll tell us, “According to the Constitution, if there is no money for ballots, the current president gets to rule forever and ever.” Except she’ll pronounce it “Constipution” because she’s never even seen the document.

Then Obama will declare martial law and declare a number of fascist edicts, but it will be Biden who announces them and they’ll be weird and contradictory and no one will have any idea what to do. And North Korea, Iran, and the Taliban will each put one hundred dollars in a pool and whoever nukes us first will get all the money.

It will be almost as bad as the Carter administration.

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Random Thoughts

I’m interested in what’s happening in Iran but not particularly interested in Michael Jackson. Is there a news source that caters to someone like me?

I don’t want to be one of those tiresome “celebrity news isn’t news” people, but it’s not news and I’m going to repeat that over and over.

Know who Michael Jackson’s death has to hit hardest? Obama. How is he going to get back in the news?

For every terrorist we kill, we create ten more. Then we kill those ten and eventually they run out.

Perez Hilton seriously needs mental help, though what he’ll probably claim what he needs is a Twinkie.

Forget carbon dioxide; most of air is nitrogen. Do we need that for anything? Let’s declare war on that gas.

Bailouts, national healthcare, cap and trade. immigration reform: Is Obama trying to ruin too much of the economy too quickly?

It would be neat if instead of a dish at registers to take and leave pennies they had a dish to take and leave peanuts. “Take a peanut; leave a peanut.”

I have the Ghostbuster’s Theme stuck in my head because that’s what came to mind when I tried to remember what “Thriller” sounds like.

East Timor? How many Timors are there?

So Obama is basically Bush with a week lag?

I thought the government was spying on me, but it ends up cameras come standard on phones now.

It’s hard to say what’s going on in Honduras, but my guess is wheelbarrows have gained sentience and have staged a coup.

Are there other types of barrows than the wheel kind? Like skibarrows?

In the future, they use hoverbarrows. People in the future are so needlessly flashy.

With all the government takeovers, perhaps capitalism will dies with Billy Mays. Soon we will envy the dead.

I think a good name for our first child would be “Kid Awesome.”

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No, Bad Scientists

Robots that eat the flesh of living creatures; this can only go in good directions. Now, we just need to program them to shuffle around awkwardly and we can have a robot zombie apocalypse. Bulletproof zombies made from metal; awesome.

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Lyndon Baines Johnson ordering pants, submitted without comment.

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A Solution to the Politician Problem

This whole Sanford mess reminds me of the main problem with politics: Politician. Apparently, normal people don’t want to go into politics, so we mainly gets weirdos. Fred Thompson used the Sanford incident to argue for term limits, the idea being if we have to have politicians, at least let’s not keep them around too long.

Here’s my idea: Kidnapping.

The biggest red flag that you may have picked the wrong person for a political position is if the person wants it. Unfortunately, our current system only elects weirdos who want to be politicians. Instead, we we should find candidates from business and industry and just chloroformed them and have them wake up behind a mayor’s desk or something. Then he’d be like, “Wh-what’s going on here? Who’s in charge?”

And we’d be like, “You are!”

And he’d be like, “Noooooo! I have useful things to do! I can’t be a politician!”

And we’d be like, “We don’t care!” And then we’d threaten his family to get him to comply. You’ve all threatened families before; you know how that works.

Anyway, doesn’t that sound like a smarter system?

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Perez Matters

Crowder covers the important topics:

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Capitalist Propaganda: “Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine”

In 1961, Ronald Reagan recorded a spoken-word LP (that’s a 12-inch grooved vinyl disc, for you folks born after 1990 – we used to play them on our gramophones) with a brilliant diatribe against Medicare called “Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine“:

[YouTube direct link]

There’s no actual video to this video, so you’ll have to find another way to amuse yourself for 10 minutes while you listen. I recommend spending the time taking notes so you can throw Reagan’s arguments in the faces of any moron that thinks that socialized medicine is a good idea.

My favorite part is how he talks about Medicare being just an early first step toward introducing a national program of socialized medicine.

Oh, how people scoffed back then.

Oh, how they shouldn’t have.

More information on this recording here. Scroll down about 40%, or text search [CTRL+F] the word “Klatch”.

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