More Pledges for America

Posted on September 23, 2010 11:01 am

The GOP has unveiled “A Pledge to America”, listing their agenda when they take back the House. It’s pretty good, but I can think of a few things to spice it up and really help the Republicans win in November:

MORE PLEDGES FOR AMERICA

* Our nation’s borders will be protected by giant robots.

* Foods will no longer get FDA approval unless they contain bacon.

* To help stimulate the economy, people who whine about the rich will be fired out of cannons.

* We will have a new manned mission to the moon and build a libertarian utopia there.

* We will keep reducing the federal government until it can be run out of some guy’s garage.

* Anytime there is a tax increase, one of the people who voted for it will be randomly chosen to be a human sacrifice to Moloch, god of taxes.

* Obamacare will be destroyed, and all perpetrators of it will be hunted down and forced to battle to the death in the Thunderdome.

* Any new spending increases must receive written permission from all voters.

What do you want added to the GOP agenda?

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39 Responses to “More Pledges for America”

  1. FormerHostage says:

    Any “moderate” Republican that breaks and votes for a liberal agenda item will be forced to go though the gauntlet (using baseball bats, not those sissy knotted ropes!)

  2. MBwithCRC says:

    Dance offs. Lots of dance offs.

  3. DamnCat says:

    * Members of congress receive no tax deductions of any kind.

    * Members of congress are taxed at the highest rate applied to any citizen.

  4. MoogieP says:

    Hey — you reached perfection with “bacon.” (Even so, the human sacrifice angle is a nice touch.) But here’s one:

    — All Liberals will henceforth be required to wear full clown regalia anytime they appear in public. No squirting flower accessories will be permitted, however.

  5. Iowa Jim says:

    A new car for me, containing the Korean women’s gymnastics team. Actually, I’m willing to skip the car itself.

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    * “If we break any of these pledges we will be draw and quarter ourselves.”
    * “It’s time to pay back England and burn down Westminster.”
    * “We will eradicate the House Sparrow from America.”
    * “FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!”
    * “We will clone Johnny Cash.”
    * “We will govern according to the Constitution of the United States.”
    * “We will speak frankly on the financial state of America. It will be depressing, but you deserve the truth. Learn to live with it.”
    * “Any Republican responsible for the debt will not be a part of our way of governing.”
    * “You are the ruling class.”
    * “We will govern in a way that will honor our veterans.”
    * “We will have a new manned mission to the moon and build two a libertarian utopia penal colonies there. One for communists and hippies and one for regular criminals. Johnny Cash’s clone will do a concert at the regular criminal colony and it will be awesome.”

  7. Burmashave says:

    * No pledges to American longer than 2 pages. (Is their new pledge longer than the Constitution?)

    * A special Congressional Ombudsman who will respond to any stupidity by taking a board and whacking the offender in the head.

    * A ban on naming anything after a sitting or former elected official. (H/T Victor Davis Hasnon)

    * Pizza for lunch on Fridays.

  8. Son of Bob says:

    Umm…I couldn’t help but notice that the pledge contains no mention of “term limits”. Was that an oversight Mr. Boehner?

  9. storm1911 says:

    Death penallty for all marxists.
    Elimnation of all red light cameras.
    Elimnate the Departments of Energy, Education,and European vacations, any spending involving “rights” or “art” or Science!.
    These will be replaces witht eh Departments of Awesome, Space-Age Science, and Hippie Face Punching.

  10. Russ says:

    * Any new spending increases must receive written permission from all voters taxpayers.
    (why should those who don’t pay taxes, aka: Obama appointees, have any say in how it’s spent?)

  11. Carolyn says:

    Why should the libertarians have to go to the moon? Hellsno. Libertarians take Earth and the whiny liberals can have the moon.

  12. Bantha_Fodder says:

    “This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.”
    or
    “SUCK IT!!!”

  13. Scott says:

    Fair Tax!

    That is all.

  14. DamnCat says:

    Tuna Tuesdays!

  15. ussjimmycarter says:

    A tax code written on a 3×5 card!

    A constitutional amendment that no douche bag shall become POTUS!

    Europe – you are on your own!

    If you run your company into the ground, you will go to prison and your company shall cease to exist.

    Mandatory daily masturbation!

  16. MarkoMancuso says:

    I don’t like the Fair Tax. There are too many words involved. I can write an income tax policy in ten words or less.

    Flat tax. Ten percent for everyone. That’s it. Enough said.

  17. Deafdog says:

    If they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they make my shoes smell good?

  18. shiggz says:

    On a serious note one party has to do something about Internet speeds and monthly costs. We invented it and are way way way behind. A strong internet infrastructure would allow more people to work from home and thus bring new life into small towns that have been dying all over America since the 80’s.

    It would also stop more people from moving to cities where living like sardines in a cement can they become atheist earth worshiping leftists. Of course they would our minds want balance and their lives lack it. If you live around more people then trees and animals combined you are out of balance and will act accordingly by voting for democrats.

  19. shiggz says:

    BTW youth who aren’t real political hate the internet infrastructure of America and the 80$ a month bills turn them off to capitalism. They should be turned off to government enforced monopolies but they aren’t taught the difference in school.

    If republicans went on a crusade for fast cheap internet through free market reforms they would go along way to leveling out the youth vote for the first time in generations.

  20. Joe says:

    A new Homestead act: any citizen who promises to improve the land, or drill for oil, may lay claim to 100 acres of federal land, onshore or offshore, or on the Moon, excluding the national parks.

    A modified version: any citizen or private company that promises to improve a government service, such as the Postal Service or the FDA, may lay claim to it.

    Third: the NSF will be staffed with selected experts from the science fiction and video game industries, and they shall decide what forms of research merit federal funding.

  21. ussjimmycarter says:

    At least 2 Nukes shall be utilized yearly at our most hated adversaries. If you don’t want to be hated, start acting like it!

  22. Ernie Loco says:

    After every election, everyone who voted democrat is either deported or shot. Or both.

  23. plentyobailouts says:

    The federal government will pay for nothing it isn’t supposed to — Especially tofu

    The epa will be given a choice — death by edict, executive order, or budget. same with all federal agencies.

    Registered democrats will be used for fuel in africa. john mccain and newt gingrich will be forced to register as democrats.

    Gollum Kucinache will be loaded on the next shuttle mission and left at the ISS to wait for the mothership.

    The name harry reid will be outlawed.

  24. Scott says:

    Marco, I would accept the idea of a flat tax, but I like the idea of the FairTax, in that it taxes consumption, not production. It promotes saving, and makes April 15 just another fine spring day. It is also completely voluntary. If you don’t want to pay federal taxes, don’t buy anything new. Also gone is the idea of using the 60,000+ page tax code as a social engineering experiment.

  25. ussjimmycarter says:

    How about no tax! We send pols to the street corners to beg for hand outs and that’s all they get. Of course we will all pay our fair share for the military who will have their budget doubled for cool new killin’ stuff! But we will sit down every month and write a check to the military only! We we also write a check to our own Social Security savings account which will be private and cannot be raided by greedy pricks in congress!

  26. ussjimmycarter says:

    Months to be renamed
    January = Smokers month
    February = Drinkers month
    March = Gun owners month
    April = Hippie Punchin Month
    May = Seal Clubbin’ Month
    June = Contribute to Gobal Warming Month
    July = Cut a tree down for Mother Earth Month
    August = Drill baby Drill Everywhere and Anywhere Month
    September = Recycle a plastic bottle – shove it up a liberals butt month
    October = Nuke someone that we don’t like Month
    December = Worship the Lord God Month

  27. Idahoser says:

    government busybodies will be responsible for the decisions they make. NOBODY will be exempt from ANY law. Congress wants universal lack of health care? They will be standing right there in line with you. Tax raise? Everybody pays the same rate. Raise my rate, yours goes up the same percent. That’s the definition of FAIR. And is required by the Constitution where it says “apportioned”, and it’s still in there.

  28. slapout says:

    Combine the Census with tax returns — if you don’t pay taxes then you don’t get counted when it gets spent.

  29. Corona says:

    “Any Republican voting ‘aye’ on any socialist program or agenda or bill etc. will be put in a transparent space air-lock and depressurized till they explode and it must air on prime time TV…and then you will blow me.”

  30. Burmashave says:

    @Scott: The prob with the fair tax is that as income increases, the percentage of income spent on goods decreases. The fair tax is fair in that everyone pays the same consumption tax rate; however, under such a plan, poorer folks would expend greater portions of their income on taxes. Creating a “prebate” to try to deal with this only perpetuates the awful progressive system we have now. The fair tax is not necessarily simple, and would require new collection and enforcement systems (think of the massive new black market opportunities).

    * Flat tax: Same rate for everyone. Same tax effect for everyone. Dead simple.

  31. Russ says:

    Anyone voting against domesting oil drilling, natural gas production, coal mining, or nuclear power plants will have a giant windmill erected in their front yard. They will then be drawn and quartered on said windmill. Video of the event will be broadcast on YouTube.

    Maximum fees for lawyers in personal injury suits and class action suits is 1% of the award. And they have to pay all court costs. If they lose the case – they have to pay.

    Instead of being decided in the courts, all cases involving endangered species should be decided by special election. If we don’t like the species, its a gonner. Do 60% of the US really care about the snail darter?

    Special subsidies for bacon, ice cream, beer, and bourbon. The subsidies are to be paid by taxing the UN.

  32. Scott says:

    @Burmashave: I would be cool with a flat tax, if there were no deductions at all. The problem I have with a flat tax, is that it’s still too easy for the politicians to manipulate the tax code for “special interests” like realtors, and “social engineering” like if you work for the “right kind’ of industry,” you can deduct a portion of your income. If the FairTax is passed as written, then any tax on income will become unconstitutional. Including Social Securty, Medicare/Medicade, etc.

    Just my two cents.

  33. 4of7 says:

    National Stupidity Tax (i.e. National Lottery) to replace Income Tax.
    The rest of the Federal budget to be financed by Piracy.
    (we’ve got like 12 Aircraft Carrier Battle Groups, right? We could be the greatest pirates in history! Arrr!)

  34. Veeshir says:

    At the beginning of ever session, at least three Tea Party Senators get to slap Voinovich and Graham and unplug whatever camera McCain’s talking to.

  35. Burmashave says:

    @Scott: I agree. A flat tax only works well if it is flat, no exceptions, ever.

  36. ussjimmycarter says:

    We test out our latest military tool that nobody knows about. It’s a single building Nuke which will vaporize just one building without harming anything near it. This will be utilized on the UN the afternoon that Sarah Palin takes office! We might forget to give notice, but hey, it’s on our land…

  37. ussjimmycarter says:

    Or better yet, we notify everyone of a suspected terrorist attack at the UN, then we nuke it and blame Iran. Then we nuke the Bejeebers out of Iran! A win-win as they say!

  38. Deafdog says:

    This reminds me, America is far to dusty! (“Pledge” – get it?)

  39. Scott Greene says:

    This country has been indoctrinated into thinking that the Income Tax system is the way to fund the government.

    But the Income Tax system is a corrupt mess and only gets worse as time goes on.

    Eventually the whole Income Tax system is going to collapse on itself as it gets larger and larger, more paper intensive, more confusing and mind numbing.

    If you add in the fact that the Income Tax code itself is close to 70,000 pages long plus the hundreds of thousands of pages that make up Income Tax Revenue Rulings, Private Letter Rulings, Tax Memorandums, Tax Publications and Tax Court cases, you can see that the whole system has turned into a complicated and unintelligible mess.

    The Income Tax system is also extremely inefficient.
    That’s why there has been and always will be a “tax gap”.

    According to President Obama’s tax commission, citizens of this country pay close to 140 BILLION DOLLARS in tax preparation fees on a yearly basis.
    They also spend over 7 BILLION HOURS in Income Tax record keeping.on a yearly basis.

    And on top of all this, Treasury Secretary Geithner (who is in charge of the Income Tax) and Congressman Rangel (who writes Income Tax policy) both don’t know how to correctly fill out their own Income Tax returns.

    So when those who write Income Tax law and those who are in charge of administering Income Tax policy don’t know how to correctly fill out their own Income Tax return, what hope is there for the rest of us?

    In a recent survey of foreign companies, 80% of them would build their next factory in the United States if the Income Tax system was abolished and another 20% of them would would relocate their whole company back here entirely.

    That means jobs and manufacturing coming back to the United States.

    The current and corrupt Income Tax system does NOT work.

    It is made up of complicated, confusing, paper intensive and mind numbing rules and regulations that are explained in hundreds of thousands of pages that nobody actually understands.

    It needs to be replaced now

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