Straight Line of the Day: How Can You Tell If Obama’s Been In Your House?

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?

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  1. Only my “fair share” of my belongings is left.

    The name on my mailbox has been changed to “The People’s ATM.”

    There is a smell of barbcue in the backyard, and my dogs are missing.

    My cold Cokes and bacon are missing from the refrigerator, which now contains only arugula and food stamps.

    Some citizens of Mexico are living in my master suite, and the local cops have been told they are not allowed to arrest them (or question them, or make direct eye contact with them).

    My absentee (mail-in) election ballot, which I had not yet filled out, is missing.

    The baby-sitter has joined a union, and demands $50 an hour, a recreation room for rest breaks, a pension and health care benefits.

    The foundation of my house has been mysteriously weakened.

    There appear to be urine stains on my framed copy of the Constitution.

    Someone sewed seven extra stars on my flag.


  2. Well easy, you make it sound like he would leave the house and by proxy leave you alone at some point. He’s still there telling what to do, what to eat, etc. So pretty easy to tell since he’s now intertwined in EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.


  3. You find the remains of your dog wrapped in bacon & with an apple in its mouth.

    Publishers Clearinghouse shows up with a billion dollar check signed “George Soros”.

    The TiVo’s been reprogrammed with to record Chris Matthews, Rachel Maddow, & the NBA.

    The ceiling is now beige & smells of hemp.


  4. How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?

    * There’s a Koran on the coffee table with a presidential bookmark in it

    * There a note on the counter that says “I.O.U one dog”

    * Some of the capitalism he squashed under his shoes has stained the carpet

    * Freedom and liberty are chained up in the basement

    * On the mailbox, under your name, it now says “c/o U.S. Government”

    * There’s a copy of “Job Creation for Dummies” on the floor that someone obviously tried to tear up, but was too weak to do it

    * There’s wilted aragula in the sink

    * Upon walking in the door, you suddenly realize you’re gay

    * “Bitterly clinging to guns and religion makes Jack a dull boy” is spray painted over all the walls.

    * You open your Bible and find that every “Jesus” has been crossed out and “Barack” penciled in

    * A torn-up copy of the constitution is clogging the toilet, and above it on the wall it says “Constitution? I don’t need no stinking constitution!”

    * He’s still on the sofa crying, moved by the beautiful recording of the Muslim call to prayer he was listening to

    * There’s lingerie & Secret Service agents passed out all over the place, and you hear someone in the shower singing “Oh, Canada!”


  5. How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?

    Your couch is at the neighbors, your dog is missing, your beer is gone, and 3 cops are in your living room acting stupidly.

    Your house smells like democrat.

    Your shrine to Ka-les is missing.


  6. My dog has been BBQ’d
    There is a dead SS agent with dog bites on his neck
    the bathroom mirror is in the livingroom with coke residue
    my gunsafe has been replaced with a bong
    The whiskey has been switched for vodka
    my bible is gone but I have a new copy of Mao’s little red book


  7. your house has been redecorated by Tim Burton

    you think there’s a horse’s head in your bed but then realize it’s just a passed out Sarah Jessica Parker

    all your knives and forks have been removed

    it takes you 3 hours to drive 8 miles to get home after work

    there was a natural disaster and I live in a swing state

    that unmistakable smell of freshly printed money lingers in the air

    that unmistakable smell of sulfur lingers in the air (thanks Hugo Chavez)

    my neighbors climbed over my fence and helped themselves to my pool, hot tub, and fridge and the cops won’t do anything about it except tell me that complaining is a hate crime and it’s my responsibility to make sure nobody drowns or runs out of drinks.

    an impromptu putting green has been dug in my back yard

    I catch Chris Mathews spanking it in my living room

    …in all seriousness, Obama would NEVER be in my house. In my entry, there’s an 11×14 framed autographed picture of Ronald Reagan. It HAS stopped liberals from entering my house before. Also my dog is a 70 pound German Shepherd and she’s handled worse than anything Obama could throw at her…


  8. Every bit of personal text has been edited. Like, your kid’s Little League trophy now reads “BOBBY JONES, Batting Title Champ” and underneath, “Barack Obama also provided initiatives to help kids get more exercise and live a healthier lifestyle.” Your plaque that said “JOHN JONES, Employee of the Month, August 2011” says on the bottom, “In a similar way, Barack Obama created or saved 78 squintillion jobs and has been America’s Employee of the Month since January 2009.”


  9. My computer has been hacked and the desktop image is now a picture of Tiger Woods.

    The cops knock on the door and apparently I’m under arrest for suspicion of harboring an illegal foreign national in wartime.


  10. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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