Straight Line of the Day: How Can You Tell If Obama’s Been In Your House?

Posted on June 27, 2012 12:06 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?

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63 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: How Can You Tell If Obama’s Been In Your House?”

  1. Jerry says:

    The windows are fogged and dripping with condescension.

  2. Danny says:

    By the faint but sicking odor of marxism lingering in the pantry.

  3. Danny says:

    I miss typed, sickening.

  4. Exile says:

    Your dog is missing and so is your dijionaise

  5. zeeman says:

    All my weed and blow is gone.

  6. Mrs. Campbell says:

    The locks are changed and you have a note thanking you for your kind donation to his reelection.

  7. James says:

    my change is all over the floor because he was looking for his

  8. T-dog says:

    There’s b.o. Left all over the place.

  9. Went West says:

    All my hope is gone.

  10. Crabby Old Bat says:

    Only my “fair share” of my belongings is left.

    The name on my mailbox has been changed to “The People’s ATM.”

    There is a smell of barbcue in the backyard, and my dogs are missing.

    My cold Cokes and bacon are missing from the refrigerator, which now contains only arugula and food stamps.

    Some citizens of Mexico are living in my master suite, and the local cops have been told they are not allowed to arrest them (or question them, or make direct eye contact with them).

    My absentee (mail-in) election ballot, which I had not yet filled out, is missing.

    The baby-sitter has joined a union, and demands $50 an hour, a recreation room for rest breaks, a pension and health care benefits.

    The foundation of my house has been mysteriously weakened.

    There appear to be urine stains on my framed copy of the Constitution.

    Someone sewed seven extra stars on my flag.

  11. DarthLevin says:

    There’s the faint smell of stale Marlboros and teleprompter indentations in the carpet.

  12. Michael says:

    Your sick grandma’s been euthanized and your grill smells like dog.

  13. Solo4357 says:

    Well easy, you make it sound like he would leave the house and by proxy leave you alone at some point. He’s still there telling what to do, what to eat, etc. So pretty easy to tell since he’s now intertwined in EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.

  14. Vanderleun says:

    Your dog is eaten and your garbage is pregnant.

  15. Brian says:

    There are armed illegals in the basement.

  16. aelfheld says:

    It’s not your house anymore.

  17. Sick Twisted Freak says:

    He is in our house and I want him out!

  18. BillyRayBob says:

    Your Teleprompter is still warm.

  19. hwuu says:

    He describes a completely different ‘composite’ house in his next autobiography.

    The toilet is clogged and Moochele is asleep on couch surrounded by twinkie wrappers.

  20. phreshone says:

    It smells like a Klingon brothel

    (sorry, thats if Michelle Obama has been in your house)

  21. Mxymaster says:

    China and silverware gone; distributed to poorer families who are mad because what are they supposed to do with one spoon and a tea saucer?

  22. phreshone says:

    There are pawn reciepts where all your wedding presents were…

  23. henryflower says:

    The Secret Service have removed all your cutlery

  24. Katie says:

    My gravy bowl is missing and my Desert Eagle has been replaced with a $25 gift card to Earth Fare.

  25. phreshone says:

    There are divots in your living room carpet

  26. Crabby Old Bat says:

    My mortgage is suddenly three times the value of the house.

  27. DamnCat says:

    Your choom stash is empty.

  28. tomg51 says:

    Best Comments Ever!!!

    my humble offering….

    My cat is playing with a bloody shirt cuff with a presidential seal cuff-link

  29. phreshone says:

    You go to play solitaire and all you draw are race cards…

  30. phreshone says:

    Your portrait of George Washington has been replace with one of Chairman Mao

  31. phreshone says:

    There’s no change left in the piggy bank, and there’s no hope of finding your dog

  32. tomg51 says:

    There’s a hamster wheel where your electric meter used to be.

  33. ComradeChairmanObama says:

    There are sparkly rainbows in the air and unicorn hoofprints in the carpet

  34. Jimmy says:

    Your dog’s leftovers are in the fridge with a thank-you note also reminding you of a clogged toilet.

  35. blarg says:

    his face print is on the patio door.

  36. blarg says:

    the kitchen’s been remodeled and there’s a brand new car in my garage.

  37. blarg says:

  38. Snarky says:

    You find the remains of your dog wrapped in bacon & with an apple in its mouth.

    Publishers Clearinghouse shows up with a billion dollar check signed “George Soros”.

    The TiVo’s been reprogrammed with to record Chris Matthews, Rachel Maddow, & the NBA.

    The ceiling is now beige & smells of hemp.

  39. Son of Bob says:

    Your money’s missing, you’re dog is terrified, the place smells like choom, and a delivery man is waiting for you to pay him for the pizzas.

  40. Captain Obvious says:

    You have the uncontrollable urge to shout “YOU LIE!”

  41. ComradeChairmanObama says:

    How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?

    * There’s a Koran on the coffee table with a presidential bookmark in it

    * There a note on the counter that says “I.O.U one dog”

    * Some of the capitalism he squashed under his shoes has stained the carpet

    * Freedom and liberty are chained up in the basement

    * On the mailbox, under your name, it now says “c/o U.S. Government”

    * There’s a copy of “Job Creation for Dummies” on the floor that someone obviously tried to tear up, but was too weak to do it

    * There’s wilted aragula in the sink

    * Upon walking in the door, you suddenly realize you’re gay

    * “Bitterly clinging to guns and religion makes Jack a dull boy” is spray painted over all the walls.

    * You open your Bible and find that every “Jesus” has been crossed out and “Barack” penciled in

    * A torn-up copy of the constitution is clogging the toilet, and above it on the wall it says “Constitution? I don’t need no stinking constitution!”

    * He’s still on the sofa crying, moved by the beautiful recording of the Muslim call to prayer he was listening to

    * There’s lingerie & Secret Service agents passed out all over the place, and you hear someone in the shower singing “Oh, Canada!”

  42. Captain Obvious says:

    By the President shaped hole in the window?

  43. Jimmy says:

    Your waffle iron is out and there’s a mess in the sink.

  44. tomg51 says:

    Your belongings have been moved to an upstairs room, there are 15 peasants living on the first floor, and there’s mail addressed to Zhivago.

  45. Jimmy says:

    Odd looking braziers are found in your children’s beds along with beer cans on the nightstands. The Secret Service were too drunk to pick-up.

  46. plentyobailouts says:

    How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?

    Your couch is at the neighbors, your dog is missing, your beer is gone, and 3 cops are in your living room acting stupidly.

    Your house smells like democrat.

    Your shrine to Ka-les is missing.

  47. Tin Man says:

    Your dog is missing and your wok is in the sink.

  48. Fizz says:

    There’s arugula in your fridge.

    There’re coke lines on your arugula.

  49. Yosoff says:

    There’s a huge stack of food stamps and a bill for them addressed to your kids.

  50. Bob in Feenicks says:

    There’s a gift left for you on the coffee table along with a thank you note signed by Bill Ayres

  51. Charon says:

    35. blarg! Brilliant!

    Only tools left in the garage are a hammer and sickle.

  52. NJ Mike says:

    ……………..he leaves Michelle.

  53. Rayfan87 says:

    My dog has been BBQ’d
    There is a dead SS agent with dog bites on his neck
    the bathroom mirror is in the livingroom with coke residue
    my gunsafe has been replaced with a bong
    The whiskey has been switched for vodka
    my bible is gone but I have a new copy of Mao’s little red book

  54. Zach says:

    You can’t tell for sure. But if the ladies at the local brothel have had customers with suits and sunglasses, watch out for drones.

  55. blarg says:

    your house has been redecorated by Tim Burton

    you think there’s a horse’s head in your bed but then realize it’s just a passed out Sarah Jessica Parker

    all your knives and forks have been removed

    it takes you 3 hours to drive 8 miles to get home after work

    there was a natural disaster and I live in a swing state

    that unmistakable smell of freshly printed money lingers in the air

    that unmistakable smell of sulfur lingers in the air (thanks Hugo Chavez)

    my neighbors climbed over my fence and helped themselves to my pool, hot tub, and fridge and the cops won’t do anything about it except tell me that complaining is a hate crime and it’s my responsibility to make sure nobody drowns or runs out of drinks.

    an impromptu putting green has been dug in my back yard

    I catch Chris Mathews spanking it in my living room

    …in all seriousness, Obama would NEVER be in my house. In my entry, there’s an 11×14 framed autographed picture of Ronald Reagan. It HAS stopped liberals from entering my house before. Also my dog is a 70 pound German Shepherd and she’s handled worse than anything Obama could throw at her…

  56. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Your Winston Churchill bust has been replaced by Karl Marx and your thermostat wont go over 64.

  57. Dohtimes says:

    Thank you note left on kitchen counter tries but fails to explain the government backed loan left in the government mandated low flush toilet.

  58. Mxymaster says:

    Every bit of personal text has been edited. Like, your kid’s Little League trophy now reads “BOBBY JONES, Batting Title Champ” and underneath, “Barack Obama also provided initiatives to help kids get more exercise and live a healthier lifestyle.” Your plaque that said “JOHN JONES, Employee of the Month, August 2011” says on the bottom, “In a similar way, Barack Obama created or saved 78 squintillion jobs and has been America’s Employee of the Month since January 2009.”

  59. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Your bathtub is missing because the EPA declared it a ‘navigable waterway’.

  60. Bbbco says:

    A hybrid vehicle has crashed into your living room with a roseBush planted in the front seat.

  61. Jimmy says:

    My computer has been hacked and the desktop image is now a picture of Tiger Woods.

    The cops knock on the door and apparently I’m under arrest for suspicion of harboring an illegal foreign national in wartime.

  62. Captain Obvious says:

    Only tools left in the garage are a hammer and sickle.

    … and Joe Biden

  63. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    […] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?“. […]

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