Archive of entries posted on 7th June 2012

Why Is Michelle Lying About This?

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From Naked DC via American Digest

On the Daily Show, Michelle Obama said Barack straightened up after his father died.

“That was one of those click-in moments,” she said. “And he really buckled down, he transferred schools, went to Columbia and thought about how to use life to the fullest.”

One problem with that story:

According to Barack Obama, he was already at Columbia when he got the call that his father died. He actually detailed it in his book.

Ok, next question for Michelle: when did Barack quit smoking?

Essential Tool For the Zombie Apocalypse?

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[via There, I Fixed It]

Your Apocacycle™ awaits.

You may now commence nit-picking its design flaws.

I’ll start: no Plexiglas shield to keep the zombie-blood droplets from flying into your eyes and infecting you.

Is Barack Obama Really the Male Kim Kardashian?

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Rush Limbaugh said that with the President increasingly turning to celebrities for support, “he’s becoming the male Kim Kardashian.”

Ya know what would be a big improvement? A male Barack Obama.

Now This Is a Pro-Romney Bumper Sticker I Might Put on My Car

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[High Praise! to Jim R.]

It’s not necessarily the cleverest thing in the world, but I really like it because, subtextually, it’s just another reminder that liberals can’t take a shot at the right without it blowing up on them like a short-fused firecracker.

Remember when Tina Fey thought she was oh-so-clever, mocking Sarah Palin with “I can see Russia from house”?

Boomerang, baby.

If the left had any sense, they’d just keep their mouths shut and save themselves the humiliation.

If we’re lucky, though, they’ll just. Keep. Talking.
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UPDATE: Linked by I Own the World.

Link of the Day: This Isn’t Even an Honest Question

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[High Praise! to Carey]

Forward this to any Republican who’s running for office, because this liberal-media trick-question is NOT going away, and they need to understand that answering with a simple “yes” or “no” is a trap for suckers:

The Myth Of The ’10-To-1 Spending Cuts To Revenue Deal’

Personally, I say “10-to-0, period” because the problem is not, and never has been, that Americans are undertaxed.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Bizarre Brain Disease Makes Wisconsin Liberals Keep Singing After Recall Defeat

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[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon via Weasel Zippers]

Mostly just watch this for the schadenfreudey goodness only attainable via the sweet, sweet lamentations of spirit-crushed socialists:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #18,146)

Now, the guy at the 20-second mark saying “we… we DIDN’T lose…” – what immediately pops into my head is the reaction of doomsday cultists finding themselves cold and dew-bespecked on the hilltop the morning after their flying saucers failed to transport them to heaven: “everything I believe is still true! We just got the date wrong! Or maybe they had a flat space-tire! WE WERE RIGHT! THIS CHANGES NOTHING!”

As for the “why are you leaving?” lady at the 55-second mark (and conveniently captured in the video stillframe above), well, I have to agree with the commenter who noted that she bears a striking resemblance to Vera de Milo:

So why are they singing? My guess is they’re hoping it’ll trigger some sort of magical transformation:


[YouTube direct link]

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UPDATE: Linked by I’m a Man, I’m 41

10 Things to Give Frank for Frank J. Birthday Week

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I know what I’M getting for him.

Well, I’m not really GETTING it for him, since it’s kinda spendy.

But I have good intentions, and intentions are thoughts, and it’s the thought that counts, so technically, I’m getting it for him.

As for the rest of you, you can probably get him something from this list:
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Lil’ Mad Scientist Dino-DNA Kit (Rocket Launcher Not Included)

1) Jar-Jar Binks’ head on a pike.

2) A “get out of jury duty free” card.

3) Official Richard Castle “Writer” kevlar vest.

4) Patchouli-proof hippy-punchin’ gloves.

5) His very own bacon-bot.

6) An “Engineers know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force” t-shirt.

7) A left-handed monkey-wrench (for beating up left-handed monkeys).

8) Have Adam and Jamie test the “Mexi-Cannon” (they’ve only tested the Mexi-Pult), so that when it fails, they’ll keep building larger and larger versions until they finally get it to work.

9) Is there an app to make Siri say “Klaatu barada nikto”? Because I don’t think Frank’s going to able to get the Necronomicon without a little help.

10) A shrubbery. Yes, I know he already has a shrubbery, but he wants to be able to put another one next to is, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle.
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But seriously folks, can we all agree we need to chip in and have the XKCD guy give Frank some stick figure art lessons?

10 Ideas to Help Obama Increase Confidence in His Administration

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No one thinks Obama can solve the nation’s problems anymore, and even Obama’s biggest supporters are starting to lose faith in him. If he’s going to have any chance at reelection, he’s going to need to take some measure soon to make people have confidence in his administration. Since I like being helpful, I came up with some ideas:

WAYS OBAMA CAN INCREASE CONFIDENCE IN HIS ADMINISTRATION

* Start and end every speech with the phrase, “I’m very, very smart.”

* Replace Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner with a eleven-year-old who knows how to use a calculator.

* Make Joe Biden wear a helmet and mittens at all times.

* Demonstrate an understanding of the middle class by publicly being seen reading an article about them in The Economist.

* Put Harry Reid in a retirement home. One he can’t get out of.

* Announce he won’t rest until he create some jobs or at least understands what one is.

* Take an interest in public health by banning large sodas and children.

* Dump a bucket of water on Nancy Pelosi so people can see she doesn’t melt.

* Wear a mortarboard hat at all times so people know he’s smart like that owl in the Tootsie Pop commercial.

* Be publicly seen with dogs while very conspicuously not eating them.

Can I Borrow $31,800 for the Perfect Gift?

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[via Regretsy]

Imagine how happy Frank would be to get this for his birthday.

Remembrance of My Life: Dinosaurs

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I remember in my second grade class learning about dinosaurs in science class. “Dinosaurs were giant lizards who ruled the earth,” the science teacher said. “But they are all dead now — killed by a comet or some other science thing.”

I looked at the picture of a T-Rex in my science text book (people used physical books back then). It has fearsome teeth and looked quite formidable. It’s back was smooth, though, and it seemed like that could be more intimidating by having spikes on it. Or perhaps some weaponry, I thought. “Maybe in the future,” I told my science teacher, “we could put weaponry on dinosaurs and use them in the military.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” the science teacher yelled. “Dinosaurs are all dead, and nothing is bringing them back! Plus, science has already determined what the future of warfare will look like. It will involve tiny robots that climb in people’s noses, go into their brains, and then blow up.”

“Won’t people just wear nose plugs to defeat that?” I asked.

“Fool! Eventually the enemy will have to smell something and then they will be vulnerable.”

“But…”

“Quiet! I am a science teacher — the mightiest of teachers — and I shall not be questioned! I am subtracting you a letter grade for DEFIANCE OF SCIENCE!”

But my science teacher was wrong, and the nose crawling, brain exploding robot program stalled because of advances in nose plugs that allow people to both smell things and block out tiny robots. But my idea of putting weaponry on dinosaurs is still alive and well. In fact, I think I’ll make a Kickstarter project for it soon.

Is This the Best Star Wars Parody Ever?

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A scene from “The Empire Strikes Back”, edited and subtitled as a Mexican soap opera.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #106,809)

For me, the most priceless moment is Leia’s subtle, yet fortuitously-timed downward glance at 1:29.

Best line? Han at 1:31.

The Attack Against Obama

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Forget the dog-eating and the crazy Wright and Ayers stuff — I agree with Allahpundit that the main attack against Obama in this campaign is that he went after Obamacare at the expense of the country’s economic recovery. The country needs a pragmatist — and not an inept one — and our problems of unemployment and high gas prices are just never going to be that interesting to Obama. Instead, he’s always going to want to focus on making a legacy of left-wing accomplishments that the country doesn’t even want. That the message that will win and needs to be hammered over and over while ignoring all other distractions. Obama has demonstrated he just won’t ever focus on our country’s real problems when he has other, shinier issues to go after.

Plus, he may eat our children’s pets.

Random Thoughts: Koch Payout

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Groupon for Boise is 56% off a Nickelback concert. Hitting myself in the head with a hammer is still cheaper, though.

I remember reading Fahrenheit 451 in school an envisioning a world with no books for school to make me read.

I already forgot: Was the Democrats’ and unions’ attempt to recall Governor Walker successful?

Every time I make fun of Obama, the Koch brothers send me a dollar. I’ve made about $133,000 so far.

Pro Tip: If you want to write about the president and make it clear you’re a crazy person, write his name this way: “Barack HUSSEIN Obama”

So who has been in charge of determining who the worst person in the world is since Keith Olbermann died?

My new earbuds make the music I stream at work sound too tinny 🙁 #FirstWorldProblems

Predicted Future: Communication dominated by video phone calls. Actual Future: Communication dominated by text messages.

To apologize to Estonia, Paul Krugman is going to hire kids to run around Estonia breaking windows to stimulate the economy.

So when did peanuts become this dangerous bio-toxin? Did we just not care about people dying of peanut allergies a decade or two ago?

Perhaps back in the 80s when someone ate a peanut and died, it was attributed to evil spirits.

Apologies to Redwings Horse Sanctuary

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Perusing the IMAO referrer logs, I noticed a hit from Redwings Horse Sanctuary.

What the…?

Turns out the Twitter widget on their site appears to be set with the keyword “equine”, so it pulled up a recent IMAO post where I used the word while mocking Sarah Jessica Parker.

[Screenshot here]

I feel kinda bad about that, since horses are definitely one of the things that make America awesome (can you imagine a Clint Eastwood Western without horses?), and Redwings fulfills an honorable mission in rescuing abused and neglected horses.

So I just wanted to apologize to them for gunking up their Twitter feed with my unrelated political buffoonery.

God bless you, and keep up the good work, Redwings.