I was thinking since I’m like a professional writer now whose columns are widely read and has books out by important publishers, I should start giving out writing advice as that would really inflate my ego.

Anyway, my first bit of advice is on getting the right conditions for writing. Now, you need a nice quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. My favorite place is the nearby Starbucks.

Now, yes, that place isn’t always quiet, which is why you have to let people know you’re writing so they’ll be respectful. For instance, anytime someone starts getting loud there, I just yell out, “Quiet! I’m busy writing an article for a major newspaper!” I often have to yell that out many times. And other times people will try to talk to each other and I’ll have to say, “Now, what’s more important here? You’re silly little conversation or my article which will be read by like a million people? Come on!”

It also helps to be writing on a laptop with a glowing Apple logo so people are well aware you’re a creative person. And you should also have a creative type hat like a beret — preferably one that says “IMPORTANT WRITER” on it — so people know you’re an intellectual who needs his quiet. And even if everyone is leaving you alone, sometimes you still want to yell out, “Hugely creative writing going on here!” every so often so people continue to give you your space.

And if you ever get kicked out of a Starbucks, there’s always another one nearby.

From Michael Graham:

Middleboro, MA voted “yes” to banning swears in public, but “no” to Voter ID. So when you see an illegal leaving the polls–don’t cuss!

According to James Carville’s polling firm, no one believe the economy is recovering. So Obama was elected because the economy was in bad shape and they wanted it fixed, and he didn’t fix it. So how do you make an argument for reelection? It’s like someone bought an Obama brand blender and it never successfully blended anything, so how do you convince them to buy another one?

You could try inflating expectations for the next one. “Yeah, that first blender was completely worthless, but buy another Obama brand blender and — even though it’s the exact same blender — I guarantee it will totally blend the hell out of everything this time!”

You could scare them about other blenders. “If you get a Romney brand blender, you’ll get your hand stuck in it and it will chop it up and you will die.”

You can just depress the consumer so they don’t expect anymore. “Well, there isn’t such a thing as a blender that actually blends. The Obama brand blender is the best there is, so never expect anything more.”

And you can call them racist. “You’re a racist.”

I’m not sure how well these ideas work because I’ve never sold broken blenders or incompetent candidates.