NO! NO! NO! They’re supposed to kill YOU!
…back to the drawing board…
[Via ThinkGeek]
Archive of entries posted on 4th June 2012
Obama Locks Up Equine-American Vote With Sarah Jessica Parker Ad
[High Praise! to Chris the Libertarian]
Yeah, nothing says “the common touch” like a Hollywood millionaire bragging about throwing a swanky party.
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #14,845)
But I guess we’re supposed to give her “plain folks” points for referring to the President of the United States as “that guy.” Right up there with Jon Stewart calling him “dude.”
Anyway, when Chris emailed me, he offered some good commentary:
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Does it get any better than this, on the “congruence of horse-faced liberals who don’t know anything about economics and are so out of touch with the rest of America that they think peons will be pleased to win a dinner with the Dear Leader” scale?
First off, who is she targeting with this? Doesn’t she know that horses can’t vote?
Secondly, touting the number of jobs that this man created simply by handing guns to Mexican drug lords hardly seems to be a winning theme in an American election.
Thirdly, doesn’t the phrase “we need him and he needs us” sound better as a more honest Obama slogan? For the next millennium where we praise the Dear Leader?
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Parting thought – anyone else think Anna Wintour also looks like she might be 1/32 Palomino-American?
Or possibly 1/32 Minotaur, and just changed her last name?
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UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed.
REVEALED! Mayor Bloomberg’s Kill List
[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon for whipping this up]
Ya just gotta wonder what’s next for this maniacal midget.
Oh… apologies to maniacs & midgets for that.
A Visual Representation of American Awesomeness
Frank asked about that a while back, and I think this commercial for Doritos Jacked pretty much has it covered (Frank, consider this your birthday present from me):
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #2,230,463)
Although technically I guess this is a “near miss”, since the passenger’s wearing a helmet. Although bonus points for the tree-shaped air-freshener on the rear view. Wonder if that’s a “Repo Man” reference?
Link of the Day: Science! Proves Liberals Dumber Than Monkeys
[High Praise! to Keln]
Bananas – much more related to capitalism than one might suspect.
Also, for no other reason than we’re on the topic and the picture is really cool, here’s a .45 caliber flintlock banana [via Technabob]:
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Wisdom of the Day: Past Its Prime
From Greg Gutfeld:
MTV has now become your divorced uncle trying to “shock” the nieces with his new tattoo.
Happy Birthday to Me: Remembrance of My Life
So, today is my 33rd birthday. Wow, thirty-three years is kind of a long time. Back when I was born, Carter was president and people thought it was the worst time ever because no one had heard of Obama yet. But by the time I was old enough to know what a president was, Ronald Reagan was in charge. I even remember seeing him on the TV, warning us all that the Commies were trying to parachute troops into the Midwest so keep watching the skies. He’d end every speech with, “Remember: If you see a Commie, kill a Commie.” Everyday we’d turn on the TV to see the news (people watched news on the TV back then), and along with the weather forecast we’d get chance of there being an invasion (“40% chance of Commies today, so be on the alert.”). And if we saw anything up in the sky, we’d run out and start shooting at it; the last thing you’d ever want was Commies to successfully touch ground in the Midwest because it’s a big place and it would take forever to find them. I think a few of them that did make are still there, probably as college professors.
It sucks to think that Buttercup’s first memories of a president will be of either Obama or Romney. It will be up to me to warn her to shoot at things in the sky that might be Commies. And I will tell her of great fearsome things of the past that are now long gone, like the Tyrannosaurus rex and Ronald Reagan.
This Is The New Holiday America Needs
[High Praise! to Arik]
[to the tune of Weasel Stomping Day]
Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy Ho! It’s Hippy Punching Day
Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn
Don’t you know it’s Hippy Punching Day
All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You’ll know what this day’s about
When you punch a hippy’s face right out
So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their hippy noses in half
Grap your gloves and punch your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it’s Hippy Punching Day
People up and down the street
Punching hippies right off their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it’s such a festive holiday
So let the punching fun begin
Bash their hippy skulls right in
It’s tradition, that makes it okay
Hey everyone, it’s Hippy Punching
We’ll have some fun on Hippy Punching
Put down your gun, it’s Hippy Punching Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it’s Hippy Punching Day
Hippy Punching Day
Hey!
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UPDATE: Linked by It’s About Liberty
Nuke the News: Still Bush’s Fault
* Here’s my new PJ Media column on Michael Bloomberg and the tyranny of choices. Sorry it’s like half short jokes, but when I got started, I couldn’t stop!
He just knows that without his direct control, you won’t be able to enjoy unhealthy foods in moderation, because, really, just look at how fat and stupid you all are. Actually, don’t look; it’s too depressing. Instead, keep your gaze on the health guru Bloomberg. Don’t you want a physique like his? He’s like a halfling warrior. See, Bloomberg embodies his own principles, as he’s not a wastefully large politician like New Jersey’s Chris Christie; instead, he’s fun-sized.
* So there was another jobs report Friday, and if you like jobs and an economy that is growing, it wasn’t very good news. So this is the challenge for Obama’s reelection: He has to convince people to give him another chance when he obviously sucks at everything. So what’s he doing? Blaming Bush! I mean, Bush hasn’t been president for three and a half years, but he was at the White House last week and probably sabotaged things while he was there. So that’s the Obama argument: The first term doesn’t count, so don’t judge him on it. But we should give him another four years based on how he… Okay, I don’t really understand the Obama reelection argument. What exactly has he done this first term that we’d want four more years of? Whining? I already have a toddler for that.
* Is this some sort of joke?
It’s like someone said, “Hey, we’re really desperate for a spokesperson to represent how Obama and his friends are a bunch of elitist, out of touch weirdos… Someone who would make Arianna Huffington sound like the common man in comparison.”
So, do you want to hang out with Anna Wintour, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Michelle Obama? Then defy God and break all his Commandments, because I’m pretty sure that’s what hell is like.
* So, it’s official, Green Lantern Alan Scott is now gay. Just to be clear though, he’s like the fourth or fifth most popular of the current Green Lanterns. Yes, he was the original, but like a lot of the Golden Age heroes, he’s considered pretty cheesy by today’s standards and hasn’t had his own comic book in eons. When people say “The Green Lantern” these days, they assume you’re referring to Hal Jordan (who Ryan Reynolds played in the recent movie). Then there are also John Stewart (different from Jon Stewart) and Guy Gardner, both of who are also probably more popular than Alan Scott. And for a while, DC Comics tried to make Kyle Rayner (artist from New York — but apparently not gay) the main Green Lantern, but no one liked him so Alan Scott may rank above him.
Anyway, I’m guessing Aquaman is happy they announced who the gay character so people will stop asking him questions.
* Wisconsin recall election tomorrow! This could spell the end of unions and then Democrat Party, so fingers crossed!
Random Thoughts: Job Creation Is Hard!
There was a jobs report? Was it good?
Well, Obama still has five more months to turn things around and learn how to be a good president.
Alan Scott coming out as gay should finally cause America to have a long discussion about who the different Green Lanterns are.
Superboy Prime punched through reality and now people are turning gay.
“Take that, Green Lantern! …but because I’m generally evil and not because you’re gay or anything.”
“Save me Green Lantern… and what do you think of these colors I picked out for the den?”
I’ve apparently picked up a lot of nasty gay stereotypes from my wife having HGTV on all the time.
For reference, Alan Scott is about the fourth or fifth most popular of the current Green Lanterns.
I really have no idea how people followed comic books before Wikipedia. We’re talking decades and decades of really confusing history.
Hopefully we can turn the economy around because otherwise the country will collapse and we won’t get another season of Game of Thrones.
I act like the economy is bad, but I probably feel much more secure in my job than Obama does in his.
Not sure if it’s a good idea for a corporation taking a political stand. What if a lot of the public like Bloomberg more than freedom?
This whole anti-sugar crusade by Bloomberg is going to seem really hypocritical while he’s still a member of the Lollipop Guild.
punching hippies makes them smarter or at least they seem smarter when they shut up
Obama: “So what do you guys like other than jobs? How about a magic trick?”
This would be a great time to have an asteroid hurtling towards earth to put things in perspective.
The event that really sunk the Michael Dukakis campaign was when he bit all those children.
I have trouble buying Kristen Stewart in a role where she’s playing someone I’m supposed to want to pay attention to.
I think I’d do pretty well in the Old West if I had a laser gun and a jetpack.
This may date me, but I was born in 1979.
My iPad is still cracked. So no, it doesn’t self-repair. I’ll have to look for other options.
Bloomberg has a point about how smaller portions could help the obesity problem. He should drop out of government and be a health advocate.
I want to congratulate Satan on his no-hitter, though I thought he played for the Yankees.
“How’d your dogs of war get broken?”
“I let them slip.”
I can’t wait until I’m successful enough that I can just start phoning it in.
Reminder: lolfrank! Tomorrow
Still time to submit your captioned Frank J. pictures for the round-up Tuesday.
See this post for everything you need to know.
Frank J. Birthday Week: 15 Fun Facts About Frank J.
It’s Frank J.’s birthday today, and we here at IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of his uterine expulsion anniversary.
Why a week?
Because we’re still awaiting Congressional approval to name June “National Frank J. Month”.
I blame those confounded obstructionist Republicans for keeping it bottled up in committee.
Anyway, to kick things off, here are some fun facts about the birthday boy.
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1) Although not 1/32 Cherokee, Frank IS proud to be 33/32 improper fraction.
2) A former resident of Florida, Frank once successfully divided by zero. On November 7th, 2000. You may be familiar with the aftermath.
3) Frank once peed on a cat’s head. Never made a helicopter out of one, though.
4) As an unknown blogger, Frank accused Glenn Reynolds of blending puppies. Now he’s a marginally important author. Ya gotta wonder what filthy lie Stephenie Meyer told to get where she is today. The current scientific consensus is “sparkly vampires are interesting.”
5) As a young patent clerk, Frank developed the Theory of Relativity. He gets no credit for it, since on the one day he forgot to bring his lunch money, he was forced to give the theory away to avoid a beating at the hands of that bully Einstein.
6) Frank also invented the internet. Same story, different bully.
7) Frank owns a machine that allows him to travel to a parallel universe. Most of his “In My World” stories are plagiarized from the New York Times there, where most people know him as “Jayson B.”
8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.
9) According to WhatFrankEats.com, Frank subsists primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots. But in a pinch, he’s been known to eat woodpeckers.
10) Frank once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.
11) If Frank bites you, you become Aquaman.
12) While Frank was sequencing dinosaur DNA to make it rocket-launcher compatible, a simple typo resulted in the creation of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Remember, spellcheck is your friend.
13) Frank cast the deciding vote revoking planetary status from Pluto. Just another corrupt tool of Big Planet lobbyists.
14) Frank was the second human to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race. Every night he sleeps in fear that George Lucas will make a movie about his journey to the Dark Side.
15) In 2006, Frank founded a bizarre, Bugs Bunny-worshiping cult, despite having never once personally missed that left turn at Albuquerque.
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So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?