[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]
From MSNBC’s Ed Schultz, 18 minutes before MSNBC called the election for Walker.
Archive of entries posted on 6th June 2012
Gotta Side With Letterman on This One
During an interview on CNN, David Letterman said he’s not partisan, it’s just “easier to make fun of” Republicans.
In David’s defense, Obama’s time in office IS a pretty bad joke.
Wisconsin Recall Election ‘Downfall’ Parody: I Can’t Spend a Tweet!
[High Praise! to Phil]
Ask, and ye shall receive.
[NOTE: subtitles contain several censored profanities and one milder but uncensored one]
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #17)
Link of the Day: The Real Reason Michelle Obama Backed the Disney Junk Food Ad Ban
I thought it was just because it’s her job as America’s Food Nanny, but Hope n’ Change Cartoons follows the money:
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Frequently Asked Questions: Celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week
Much like other week-long holidays that no one knows anything about (lookin’ your way, Kwanzaa), people WANT to celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week, but they’re afraid of doing it wrong and looking foolish, like a Democrat trying to create jobs by raising taxes and banning oil drilling.
So for those who have never celebrated Frank J. Birthday Week before – which, I guess, is everyone – here’s a handy FAQ:
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Why was Frank J. Birthday Week created?
To help people understand not just who Frank J. is, but WHY he is, by spreading the message of peace through nuclear explosions on the natural satellite of one’s home planet. Also, we need to force people to understand that that which does not make America more awesome must be mocked derisively and without mercy.
Isn’t “birthday week” an oxymoron?
No. It’s actually more of a temporal paradox caused by a slight calibration error in IMAO’s tachyon generator. Should have it fixed by this weekend.
Why not just have a “birthday day” like normal people?
Because if you tried to compress that much joy and celebration into one day, it would explode. It’s very similar to how a diesel engine works. We’re working on getting a billion dollar green energy grant from the administration to develop the idea.
Can people who are not Moon Nukers and who’ve never even heard of IMAO celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?
Of course! Much like the non-Irish are allowed and even encouraged to drink too much, brawl senselessly, and eat horrible food like corned leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, Frank J. Birthday Week is an open, all-inclusive holiday. Except that IMAO has a strict NO IRISH! policy.
Wait… you mean you’ll even let hippies celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?
If we didn’t invite hippies, who would we punch in the face?
What foods are traditionally eaten during Frank J. Birthday Week?
Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, beaked beans, bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon. We would also suggest Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and bacon. Beware of Vikings, though.
How is Frank J. Birthday Week related to our struggle to achieve social justice, promote environmental sustainability, and build a better, more economically equitable world?
You’re here for the punching, aren’t you?
What are the benefits of celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week?
NOW you’re asking smart questions! “What’s in it for me?” This is the kind of greedy, capitalistic, profit-mongering frame of mind that Frank J. Birthday Week exists to encourage. I think you’re already benefitting.
Is Frank J Birthday Week getting too commercialized?
Hey, we’re all tired of seeing the stores start decorating for Frank J. Birthday Week earlier and earlier every year, but since Frank loves him some capitalism, it’s hard to argue that the true spirit of Frank J. Birthday Week is somehow diminished by the shelves full of Frank J. bobble-heads, Moon-Nuker biker jackets, and IMAO-logo ornaments suitable for hanging on .50 cal machine guns. Meanwhile, we’ll work on getting a Charlie Brown Frank J. Birthday Week special produced to help keep it real.
Are there any age restrictions on celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week? Can you be too young or too old?
Generally no, although, as life begins at conception, we do recommend that you celebrate responsibly by waiting until you’ve acquired 46 chromosomes and achieved zygote status. Those that are old enough to be dead should restrict their activities to voting Democrat and avenging themselves upon those who dare to disturb their sacred ancient burial grounds.
What are the Seven Principles of Frank J. Birthday Week?
Umoja (Hippie Punching)
Kujichagulia (Moon-Nuking)
Ujima (Greedy, Capitalistic, Profit-Mongering)
Ujamaa (Fighting the Monkey Menance)
Nia (Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers)
Kuumba (Space Lasers)
Tmani (SCIENCE!)
Some people have added things to their celebration of Frank J. Birthday Week which seem to differ from its original vision and values. How should those who want to maintain the original vision and values, and at the same time allow for diversity within the holiday, respond to this?
Just rub some bacon on it.
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Hope that helps everyone to have a fun, safe, and enjoyable Frank J. Birthday Week.
I’m off to go fry me up some bacon.
Wisdom of the Day: Making Things Awkward
From Abe:
When someone tells me a boring story, I interrupt them & say, “I think we have a clip of that!”. And then I look blankly into the distance.
Has Anybody Seen This Video Yet?
Remembrance of My Life: Punching Hippies
I remember as a child my dad taking me out to the barn where he set up a scarecrow, but it had a weird colorful shirts and long hair. “I’m going to teach you how to punch hippies, son,” my father told me. “When they talk, you punch them really, really hard in the face — really put your body into it.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
My father slapped me. “That was a stupid question. So what did you just learn?”
I rubbed my sore cheek. “Not to ask it again.”
“Exactly. Hippies say stupid things, but if someone doesn’t punch them in the face after they say it, they might get the idea it isn’t stupid. And then hippie idiocy could spread. That’s why we all have to be diligent and punch every hippie we see. To keep that from spreading.”
“Okay! That sounds like fun!”
My father slapped me again.
“What was that for?” I asked, rubbing my cheek again.
“There’s just something about you I don’t like. But anyway, let’s get to practicing.” He put a tape recorder behind the scarecrow and turned it on. The tape recorded said, “We can’t hug our children with nuclear arms!” and then in response I punched the hippie scarecrow as hard as I could, knocking some of the straw loose. It felt good, and I knew I was learning a valuable skill.
Back in the day, we were all diligent about punching hippies. But at some point — I assume some time after Reagan left office — people got lazy. And then one day somewhere in our country, a hippie said something stupid and wasn’t punched in his face. And then he kept saying and others did too and now you can see where the country is. I will have to train Buttercup from an even earlier age to recognize and punch hippies, for she has much punching ahead of her if one is ever to turn this country around.
D-Day +68: How to Laugh in the Face of Evil
Being as this is a humor blog, here’s some jokes people used to tell to make fun of Hitler:
Hitler and his chauffeur are whizzing along a country road when a pig rushes out and is hit by their car. Spotting a nearby farm house, the chauffeur is sent up to inform the occupants of the demise of their animal. He returns with an armload of food and wine. Hitler is amazed.
“Why did they give you that?”
“I do not know. All I did was knock on the door and say I am Hitler’s chauffeur and I killed the pig.”
Hitler asked his astrologer on what day he would die.
“On a Jewish holiday,” the astrologer replied.
“But which holiday?”
“Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
There are two kinds of Aryans: non-Aryans and barb-Aryans
A fatally wounded German soldier asked his chaplain to grant one final wish. “Place a picture of Hitler on one side of me, and a picture of Goering on the other side. That way I can die like Jesus, between two thieves.”
Goebbels was touring German schools. At one, he asked the students to call out patriotic slogans.
“Heil Hitler,” shouted one child.
“Very good,” said Goebbels.
“Deutschland Uber alles,” another called out.
“Excellent. How about a stronger slogan?”
A hand shot up, and Goebbels nodded.
“Our people shall live forever,” the little boy said.
“Wonderful,” exclaimed Goebbels. “What is your name, young man?”
“Israel Goldberg.”
“What is the difference between an Nazi and a dog? A Nazi lifts his arm.”
A German father instructing his son on how to say grace.
“From now on you must thank God and Hitler when you pray,” says dad.
“But what happens if Hitler dies?” the boy asks.
“Then you just thank God.”
Lots more “Hitler as the butt of the joke” humor here.
God bless the men who crushed that son of a bitch and his armies.
Nuke the News: Gloat
* The left are dealing with the Wisconsin defeat in different ways. There’s depression. There’s denial. There’s anger of course — I mean, what are the left without lots and lots of anger at everyone who disagrees with them. But anyway, whatever their reaction is to grief, there’s one thing that’s similar: It’s all delicious and we love it.
I mean, they really stuck their necks out here. The dwindling unions spent a countless fortune on getting this recall election, and all it amounted to was a huge affirmation of Governor Scott Walker and the tough decisions he made. And next for the unions… nothing. That’s it. It’s over. Maybe they should go scope out a space in the Smithsonian.
Exit polls showed that Wisconsin is still out of reach for Romney… but the exit polls also showed a 50/50 race when the final count was 53% to 46%, so who knows. Democrats have to be worried about a possible landslide in November, and if you’re wondering what would be sweeter than this Wisconsin victory, it’s Obama being kicked out of office by a huge margin. “Now scram, Barry, and take your hope and change with you!”
* Some people are wondering if Bill Clinton is rooting for Obama to not be reelected. Clinton has talked up Romney’s business experience, and now he’s called current conditions a recession while saying they need to extend the Bush tax cuts for everyone. One similarity between Clinton and Obama is that both of them at their core are petulant children. Clinton’s worry is being upstaged by Obama, but I don’t see how that can happen. Clinton’s legacy is presiding over the country during a time of prosperity and peace while achieving nothing much of long lasting effect and then getting impeached for being a slimeball. No one can take that away from him. And I doubt the huge disaster that is the Obama presidency will make Clinton’s term seem any less significant than it already is — if anything, it makes Clinton look a lot better. Clinton should really support incompetent people like Obama because it really will help with the curve when people grade his presidency.
* Michelle Obama applauded Bloomberg’s soda ban — no surprises there. But it’s not right to attack the First Lady for her beliefs because she’s not an elected politician and is just a dumb broad. You should just pat her on the head and say, “It’s good you think things.” That’s being polite.
* Taco Bell made a taco with a nacho Doritos shell, and it is now the most successful taco ever in the history of the Milky Way galaxy, selling 100 million in its first week. This caused Mayor Bloomberg to scream and shake his tiny fist in anger, and he’s threatening to take away the Locos Tacos unless we can guess his real name in three days.
Next Best Thing to Punching a Hippy: Slapping a Loser Democrat
[High Praise! to Carey, via The Hope for America]
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #302)
By the way, are any of your Digital Image Rehab Artists talented enough to make an animated gif out of the sweet, sweet slappy part?
If you post it at your own site, I guarantee I’ll link it.
Otherwise just send it in and I’ll post it.
Oh, and in response to Mike’s comment, if Weepy Liberal Guy sees this video, you KNOW he’s gonna be bawling under a blanket with runny mascara in front of a rolling camera telling us to “LEAVE TOM ALONE!”
Random Thoughts: Wisconsin Recall
Don’t listen about this Venus stuff. People are just trying to trick you into looking at the sun.
And why do all the planets revolve within the same plane? Think three dimensionally, solar system.
I always get Salon and Slate confused. Which one is which?
So how will this recall election affect cheese production?
I’m in Wisconsin trying to suppress the vote. I’m throwing rocks – is that enough or should I do more?
Black Panther should join with Black Lightning to fight Black Manta.
No, that’s crazy. They’re in different universes.
A lot of us didn’t speak up for Pluto because we weren’t planets, but don’t think it ends there.
So the unions spent all this money so it could be nationally acknowledged what a successful and popular governor Walker is?
Now if any other governor wants to take on the unions he’ll have to ask himself whether he can handle all the positive, national publicity.
Tip for disappointed Wisconsin Democrats: Collect your tears into vials and sell them on eBay. Rich Republicans will want to taste them.
The unions thought they had this in the bag, but they didn’t plan on Venus interfering with the sun.
Hey, the Democrats did well in the exit polls. At least they can take some comfort in that.
I Love the Smell of Liberal Tears in the Morning – Smells Like Victory
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #16,102)
Just as a reminder, it was bitter, cranky Democrats who wanted – nay, BEGGED – for this recall election.
They have only themselves to blame.
Although personally I blame the current legal availability of 32 oz sodas in Wisconsin.
The Perfect Metaphor for the Wisconsin Recall Election
Bloomberg Busted in Huge Lie About Soda Ban
[High Praise! to Son of Bob]
Liberals can’t keep their damn math straight. Especially when it doesn’t serve their propaganda purposes.
Here’s the Size/Calorie/Sugar infographic from Bloomberg’s Facebook page:
Just at a glance, those figures seem odd, since doubling the size from 32oz to 64oz should make the calories 748, not 780.
Well, I crunched some numbers on a spreadsheet:
Basically they reduced the numbers for the 16oz drink to make it seem like a wise top-end cup size, used the correct number again on the 32oz, and then jacked up the numbers for the 64oz to make it seem more egregious.
So either someone at the Mayor’s office is abominable at simple math, or Bloomberg knows it’s a big, stinking lie, and just doesn’t give a damn.
Either way, I’m calling shenanigans.
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UPDATE: Linked by MichelleMalkin.com.
UPDATE: Linked by Doug Ross